A/N: Similar to the last chapter this one has content warnings for suicidality, a depersonalization/dissociative episode, and brief references to violence/blood.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 800-273-8255
I can't seem to post a link to the above organization's website here but it's a ".org" URL with their name.
Chapter 5 Theme Song: Numb by Portishead
At some point I vaguely realized that it was the weekend. I couldn't tell if I had slept well, or even slept at all the night before. I wasn't sure how long I had been in my bedroom. I suspected it may have been at least a day or two. Maybe the thing I lived with had called my school to give some reason as to why I wasn't showing up. That would have been an unusual amount of effort, but I suspected that It would have wanted to prevent any sort of negative attention. A social reputation was one of the most important things a human could have in a small town.
I was thankful, on some deep unconscious level, that I had obsessed over listening to music for so long because I could at least still clearly hear it in my head. I wouldn't go so far as to say it comforted me, but it at least help stave off a small piece of the crushing silence.
I'm ever so lost.
I can't find my way.
Been searchin', but I have never seen
A turnin', a turnin' from deceit.
If I felt the motivation to move, I might have been able to look at the clock and tell what time of day it was, but the darkness in my room pointed to it at least being night or early morning.
I can't understand myself,
Anymore.
'Cause I'm still feelin' lonely,
Feelin' so unholy…
A lady of war.
A lady of war.
I didn't know what it was, but at those final words a fog settled over me. It grew thick like smoke, and I felt my essence pull back away from my body.
The body got up and it felt like I was now staring at it from above. I wasn't a part of it anymore. I was something else, something lesser. I wasn't a lady of war; more so a free-floating spirit unable to pass on to whatever awaited the dead. I had a sense that looking at the body it looked terrible. That sense could see the greasy hair and sunken eyes.
For some unknown reason the body decided to make its way to the bathroom. Hair was washed, teeth were brushed, bladder and bowels were emptied. All the while I stared at it in bemusement. After it returned to its room, it looked out the window and saw a faint light beginning to crawl across the darkness. Early morning before sunrise then.
Next, the body even managed to clothe itself. Evidently it was determined to do something. It walked down the steps and outside into the back yard, all the while I followed it. It didn't look once at the now ruined firepit and wandered towards a familiar trail I knew like the back of my ethereal hand. I wondered if the body had enough consciousness to remember it as well. It seemed to at least possess a deeply ingrained muscle memory that was guiding it.
After a while the sun began to peak over the horizon, although the trees still shielded the body and I from its direct sight. The pines seemed to relax it, and I started to feel a barely lingering connection between it and myself strengthen. Perhaps we'd come back together again soon into a broken whole. I didn't know how I felt about that because even I saw how pathetic it was, shambling around the forest floor. Oh well. Maybe we'd throw ourselves off one of the taller trees to a strangely poetic death. Dirt returning to dirt. A bloated, rotting meatsuit feeding the wildlife.
As we grew closer together and my senses began to return to me I started to feel…something. There was something here. Something not natural, or at least not normally present in the forest. A silence had fallen all around, even the wind was stilled. Maybe this was a lingering effect of the body-mind separation, but it persisted even as I mostly came back to myself. There was a small clearing surrounded on all sides by the tallest of pines and firs almost a mile ahead of me. Whatever it was that gripped the forest was drawing me closer to it.
Cause a child, roses light.
Tried to reveal what I could feel.
I'm lonely,
It just won't leave me alone.
The hairs stood up on the nape of my neck as I became acutely aware of the fact that I was prey. I was not at the top of the food chain. I did not hold dominion over the earth. I was not going to replenish and subdue the earth, for there was something else here that held a station far above my own. A predator over the fish of the sea, the fowl of the air, the cattle, every creeping thing that crawlith upon the earth, and especially me.
They were all lesser, no different in the eyes of whatever the hell was now inhabiting this forest. I felt a strange thrill at this knowledge, rather than outright fear. I came out from the path into the clearing and was greeted with a sight unlike that which I had ever seen.
A woman a few inches taller than me stood on the far side of the clearing opposite me. I could recognize that she had brown hair and a bit of muscle, but beyond that she was too far away. A cry rang out near her and in a flash she dove down with a growl. It wasn't a growl I was familiar with. Moreso a sound that shouldn't exist in nature. Somehow multiple pitches all blended together into a sharpened, auditory blade, slicing through all other frequencies. I stood still watching her, now vaguely aware that the cry had been human. I was with it enough to realize that whatever she was doing was not for the health and wellbeing of whoever was underneath her.
I was almost put back together but I could not yet make a sound. How on earth could I process this? This aberrant form clothed in human skin? If I had ever thought that being trans placed me in the category of "other", this thing was clearly something else entirely. Even I, as removed as I was from my town's norm, could at least have been described as genuinely human.
Finally, after stressing the muscles in my throat to produce some sort of response I gasped. It wasn't loud, or particularly notable. More of a slight inhale than a gasp really. Somehow it was enough to still the woman (creature?) and she turned around. Even from here, hundreds of yards away, I could see the black pits that her eye sockets held in place. That prey-meets-predator sensation squeezed my chest even tighter than before.
But something else changed in the moment my eyes met hers. Grey-blue to black. I was still her prey, but I felt a mental chain grip me to her.
Disregarding all known natural laws, she was suddenly now right in front of me only separated by a few feet. I was not unfamiliar with a height difference as blatant as ours, but unlike the local cavemen who dressed in varsity football uniforms the difference of a few inches here seemed to stretch out into a few hundred feet.
Her wavy hair, now the richest mahogany instead of a mundane brown, flowed down past her shoulders to her breasts. Skin was paler than snow. Her lean, but clearly toned, form looked like more than enough to crush me into the ground. Her eyes, however. The edges of her eyes were somehow blacker than I had seen before; but now there was a red glow buried in the center depths, like embers smouldering at the end of a long tunnel. She was wearing ripped, tight jeans and a form fitting black t-shirt, but it might as well have all been armor for how intimidating she was.
As I took this all in I realized that the long chain that had connected me to her had been pulled taut, almost to the point of pain. However, it wasn't pain that I felt, but a potent feeling of connection. Not the sort that could exist between two people, or at least I didn't think it was. It was as though now my instincts had an electric current running through them, tying me to her, and I was more connected to my body than I had ever been previously.
She opened her mouth, those gorgeous, full lips parting, and simply uttered the word "Mine". I had no choice in my response, but something in the back of my mind decided right away that I didn't really want a choice. Whatever this was between us, whatever she was, I wanted it. I wanted her.
"Yours", I breathed out with no hesitation, as if we'd rehearsed these lines for a play. I felt her arms wrap around me softly, but soon her grip tightened like the chain. I felt a sense of security unlike anything else. I knew that I was safe. I knew that I was…loved? Was this love? Was this companionship? Was this everything I had been craving for so long, and more? Words escaped me as I drank in whatever it was. Maybe it wouldn't last, as good things tended to fade, but I could at least make the most out of this moment. I could cherish this, and die having held a piece of true belonging.
She eventually pulled away to look down at me and seemed to take me in as if I were a precious jewel. I didn't understand why, given my undoubtedly still rough appearance; and in comparison to her I was less than nothing. How on earth could I compare to perfection? To the purest form of beauty?
"My mate".
Wait what the hell?
Those words shook me enough from my stupor to notice a few more things as I looked up. One was that her lips and even her teeth were stained with a bit of blood. Another was that her smile was anything but inviting, or at least inviting in the way that someone might show benign kindness. Hers showed me that she was every bit the apex predator I instinctively felt her to be.
Oddly enough, I didn't mind though. I still didn't understand what the hell was going on or what she had just said. While still a convoluted mess, my darker thoughts had begun to dissipate slightly. Here was someone that made me feel like I should stick around. At least for a little bit longer. Besides, I was already getting the distinct sense that she had no intention of letting me go. Again, I was somehow okay with this.
"Uh..w-wait…what do y-you…um…mate?". She chuckled, one that came from a rich, smoky alto. The sound ran over me slowly as if it were the smoothest honey, and I almost let my eyes roll back into my head. I did hum softly and lean into her again, her scent intoxicating me. As with her voice, her scent was sweet like honey, mixed with the brightness of wildflowers. How could a creature that seemed to be from hell be heaven-sent? I didn't care enough to ponder that further.
"We have much to discuss, my dear. Come. We will retire to somewhere far more appropriate. I'll carry you". She spoke all of this in a tone that left no room for objection. I felt myself being picked up bridal style, and then the wind flowed around me. I had no idea how any of this was happening as I kept my eyes closed, my head in the crook of her neck. Even if I never returned from wherever we were going I knew that something monumental had happened here. She had happened, and I would never be the same.
A lady of war.
A lady of war.
Chapter Theme Songs Used So Far:
The Passenger – Iggy Pop
Grinnin' In Your Face – Son House
Get It On (Bang a Gong) – T. Rex
Breakdown – Guns N' Roses
Numb - Portishead