A/N: Howdy! So, not only am I taking a trip soon but I'll be dealing with apartment lease stuff. Updates will probably be more spaced out beyond just every couple of days, but nothing drastic. Emotional partial coming out scene ahead with mentions of past physical/emotional abuse and suicidality (you'll see what I mean by partial). I've written and re-written this about a thousand times, and I'm okay with this right now, but please please show some mercy as this is my first fanfiction. Trying to put some of my own personal thoughts and feelings into a narrative form has been a strangely difficult experience.
Chapter Theme Song: Columbia by Oasis
The next few days were…unusual. For one, my classmates weren't going out of their way nearly as much to make me miserable and/or injure me. The thrill of the upcoming announcement of who had won spots to Stockholm was all everyone was focusing on. I wasn't sure if this had spread to my teachers, but no one commented on my absence. It was ignoring me more than usual. Before we at least interacted a tiny bit here and there, but now the total lack of contact at least made compartmentalizing my memories away easier.
I didn't have my music, other than in my head. While I'd memorized countless songs over the years, my temper still noticeably worsened. I was not used to having this much sustained contact with the world around me. Even though they'd been shocked initially at the change in mood and confidence, I did still get a few bruises for making snide remarks to people in school. They were decent insults though. John Mayfield really hadn't appreciated it when I told him about how I thought his family tree was shaped like a wreath, while using his and his family members' physical appearances as evidence. I was still proud of that one.
Far more exciting was that the honey-wildflower scent followed me when I was walking to and from school. I'd taken to leaving my window open a crack at night to catch it. I never saw Heidi but knowing that she was around somewhere beyond the trees was more than enough. I'd stuck to baggier clothing to hide the signs of (newly lessened) harassment, and it didn't seem like she directly followed me into school or home. Whatever. I'd lived with it long enough that it was mundane. She was still here. That's what mattered.
There we were,
Now here we are.
All this confusion,
Nothing's the same to me.
Soon it was Wednesday. The day that the other 14 applicants were going to be chosen. I'd of course kept my mouth shut about already being given a spot. I was a little nervous as to what the reaction would be when my name was announced. Hopefully no one got too jealous, or at least not too angry at me. I wasn't deluded enough to believe that I'd not get negative attention at all, though, for being picked over others. It'd get harder to keep it from Heidi if things escalated.
Thinking of her again, I wondered if she'd be at school today? She'd given the presentation, so I was almost certain. She'd explained to me that the announcement would be made today, but not who'd make it. Luther and the others seemed to just do leg work for Heidi so I doubted that they would. With an extra spring in my step heading to school, I thought of a buzzy, loud song to get me there.
I can't tell you the way I feel,
Because the way I feel is oh so new to me.
Making it past the entrance and to first period American History I didn't run into any problems. Sitting near the door I listened as Mr. Samuelson ramble on about the Civil War. I wasn't a historian by any stretch, but I was sure that he was portraying it in a fairly racist way. I mean, he even went on a tangent about how it had also been called "The War of Northern Aggression" and defended the name at points. We lived in Oregon for Christ's sake. Maybe he had Confederate ancestors, the jackass.
After first period the school announcements went out over the intercom. The principles' voice, as nasally as ever, ran through shit we'd heard a thousand times before. She finally ended with, "And today at 12:05 all seniors will be excused from class to meet for an assembly in the gymnasium. The 15 lucky seniors selected for the Lansing Travel Agency trip will be announced!". A cheer erupted in the classroom, and I flinched at the sound. I still felt the thrill of maybe seeing Heidi in a few hours, even if we couldn't act like we knew each other.
Walking out after the bell rang, I strolled past the front office to turn down another hall for second period. I stopped in my tracks when I saw Heidi already standing right beside the office window. There were a few people not so subtly gawking at her, but that didn't matter as she immediately locked eyes with me. Her lips moved upwards in a smile briefly, but then returned to a look of disinterest. I shook my head and continued with a slight blush off my face.
I can't tell you the way I feel,
Because the way I feel is oh so new to me.
On the dot at 12:05 I was sitting on the now pulled out gym bleachers. I was off to the side near the doors as always when I couldn't avoid being here. Heidi, Luther, and the other workers stood out in the center behind a table. Heidi was in the center with a microphone in front of her. She looked over the crowd and wore a bemused expression at my seating choice before starting, "Hello senior students. As was explained to you last week we are representatives from the Lansing Travel Agency. As part of a scholarship opportunity, we will be sending 15 of you to the lovely city of Stockholm with all expenses paid for."
At that, students started cheering and interrupting Heidi. She didn't look impressed at all. Coughing into the microphone, "Yes. I appreciate your enthusiasm. However, to continue we will shortly be announcing those among you who have been chosen. After careful review of your essay submissions", I almost snorted, but that wouldn't have impressed her either, "we have decided on the following students. Refrain from speaking or clapping until I have read through all of the names".
With that she read on, her tone crisp as if to remind everyone not to speak. My name was near the end, and she used "Violet May" to my immense joy. Despite her intimidating presence some students gave shocked and even disgusted looks around to find me. I started to shrink back, looking to the doors so I could dart out at the end. There was absolutely no way Heidi missed that, and her grip even tightened on her paper. I doubted that I'd get out of a conversation about this in the future.
Is this confusion,
Am I confusing you?
Despite this, the students clapped at the end despite the clear dismay on many faces. "Thank you, and congratulations to those who have been chosen. We realize that some of you may be disappointed, but please be sure to support your fellow schoolmates. I am certain that they will serve as fine representatives of your school. Those who were chosen please remain behind to receive further details. The rest of you are dismissed". Dang I hadn't counted on a meeting after the assembly.
I felt a bit of glee at seeing the principle's disgruntled look at Heidi's authoritative instructions. Students and the few staff present began filing out talking loudly with each other about the choices made. I didn't escape a few shoves and insults, but I quickly made it over to the table before too many noticed me. Heidi gave me a long look after glancing at each person individually who had harassed me. I turned my eyes to the side, and thankfully she couldn't talk about it here.
Everyone else joined us, and again there were not-so-subtle glares at me before Heidi spoke. "Once again, congratulations to all of you. As was explained in the presentation this trip will be taking place one month from today, and last for two weeks. Your teachers are all aware, and you will largely be exempt from assignments during the time you are gone. Accommodations will be made should that change".
Based on their glazed looks with repeated "uh huh's" nobody was really listening. I guess I couldn't blame them given the excitement and Heidi's beauty. I was standing with a stiff posture a few feet away from the others. It was a fine line here between paying attention and placing myself in a good spot to leave right after. I wanted to avoid a conversation with Heidi, as well as my classmates already passing judgment on me after the assembly.
"Ms. May are you paying attention?...Excuse me Ms. May?" Evidently not well enough, and I wasn't used to hearing my real name at school. Heidi gave me a hard look, and I felt my heart start to drop down into my stomach. "The rest of you are dismissed. More information will be given to you to take home to your parents regarding preparations by the end of the school day. Ms. May please stay behind".
Her words said "please", but her tone said otherwise. Soon only the vampires and I remained in the gymnasium (now there's a hell of a thought). Heidi turned to Luther, "You and the others clear everything up and return to the secondary house," now to me, "Violet come with me. We'll find an office to meet in and discuss some concerns I have". Well, there went my attempt at avoiding her.
She only had to turn her charm on one of the secretary staff and not only was I dismissed from class, but soon we were also alone in a tiny conference room close to the main office. She closed the door and gestured me to a seat right next to her. Fixing me with a look, "So. From what we've spoken about and what I've observed thus far, it seems that there are more problems than I was aware of. I will honor my commitment to waiting until you are ready to talk about the reasons why, but please tell me more about what has been going on". Her "please" seemed more sincere this time, and I was relieved that she wasn't going to try and (still unknowingly) force me to out myself.
Is this confusion,
Am I confusing you?
It did feel like I was more under the gun, though, because now that my name had been chosen she'd likely start hearing about it from everyone else. Yet again these people were taking away my autonomy. I took solace in that Heidi was different, and that I still might be able to control the pacing of all this.
"O-okay. So... h-how long do we have in h-here?". Heidi waved dismissively at the door, "As long as you need. No one will force us to move, I won't allow it". Breathe in. Breathe out. I can do this. "So…", and with that I launched into a broad account of how I'd been treated for years. I hadn't yet explained the "why", but I knew that was coming next. Although the worst incidents were left out, judging by her darkening eyes what I did tell her was bad enough. My tone became flat as I recounted the stares, the words, the threats, the bruises; what felt like the constant, every day punishments for continuing to breathe. My home life's problems were kept even more vague. The only thing I didn't touch on at all was how I'd on and off thought of ending my life.
Finishing up what I could get out, I returned to my breathing exercises and closed my eyes. I hadn't started crying yet but I was shaking and needed to get a hold of myself. God this was pathetic. I felt her gently pull me into her lap, one hand around my waist and the other behind my head in my hair. I couldn't get enough of her touch, a lifetime of loneliness desperately overriding my instinct to shy away from contact. My inner thoughts ridiculed how easily I gave in, but I was just too damn tired to fight right now. She began to hum and it helped me get my breathing under control.
"O-okay, there's s-something else I need…need t-to talk about...about w-why". "Violet, as I said you do not need to if you are not comfortable yet". "No…it's f-fine. You'll hear a-about it anyway". I felt her nod and I got up to sit back in my seat. I squeezed her hand again to ground myself.
Looking her in the eye after a deep breath I started with, "W-well…I mean…do v-vampires think about…g-gender?". She nodded at me with a neutral look, although the gears were already turning.
"What d-do…vampires think…of someone whose…g-gender is…not...not the s-same as...what p-people say their b-body...I mean..." I was not articulating this well at all, but in my defense I'd never actually sat down and had this conversation. I'd had to learn what I could from the internet, and I could barely ever find the confidence to read online for more than a few minutes before my anxiety became too much. When I tried to talk to my teacher years ago, I'd barely made it past the same questions I'd asked It before being loudly and publicly shut down. I choked up as I felt my chest being squeezed tighter and tighter, not even completing my sentence.
Is this peculiar?
We don't want to fool ya.
Deeply concerned at my reaction, but picking up on what I was asking about, Heidi responded "Well…I can say that a common trend among vampires is for us to, in a sense, stay connected to the time period that we were turned in. While our human memories fade, the social conditioning can endure long after we're changed. The views we had on ourselves and the world still influence us unconsciously, despite our very essence being radically altered by the transformation process".
Her eyes glanced to the side, deep in thought. I could tell that this wasn't typically discussed wherever she came from, but it wasn't here either.
"In terms of gender, I've not personally seen many vampires describe or express their gender in a way that wasn't in line with their human life's time period. You might think of most as externally looking and acting "typically male" or "typically female", based on their human biology and history. It's not to say that there are no exceptions or that there is any sort of absolute law on gender. We are still capable of change as we live on, both individually and as a species.
Vampire laws are governed far more by things such as territory and maintaining secrecy. Coven leaders could insist on certain behaviors and presentations I suppose, but that would only be specific to within their coven. Stigma certainly exists, but our kind is generally able to avoid each other when necessary. As I understand it, in the human world the situation is…", she trailed off as a look of realization came over her.
Is this peculiar?
We don't want to fool ya.
I stared at the floor. Here it was.
"Oh…Violet May", she stroked my hand. "Are you saying that...forgive me if my phrasing is incorrect, but are you saying that your gender is not in line with your body's sex?", I nodded mutely. "I see…Know that this changes nothing for me".
My head shot up. While my neck was going to feel that later, I was too busy holding my breath to notice. What was she saying?! Did she really still...
"I feel the same as I have this whole time. Your gender is part of who you are, my dear, and I am here for every part of you". Could I allow myself to hope? As imperfect as this whole thing had been, could it...could she...?
I stared at her, trying to find any signs that she might be lying. "R-really?", my voice cracked horribly. "Yes", she said with conviction. Blinking tears back, I felt myself finally start to shut down from the sheer emotional overload of what had just happened.
"T...t-thank...thank you", I could barely get out a whisper. "C-can we…leave it there? I...there's m-more...but...".
I was done trying to function for the day, and week if I could get away with it. Heidi nodded, thankfully seeing how spent I was. "Yes. I shall speak with your principal, and you will be excused for the day", she left the room. I appreciated having space, and if she was going to insist on something then it could be far worse than getting me out of here. I doubted she'd let them call home after our conversation, although that might be worth asking her about. She appeared again after a few minutes, having maintained what I assumed was a normal human speed.
"Come. I took care of it, and I will bring you back to my house. Your mother will not be called. My car is in the parking lot outside. Here are your things". She looked like she simultaneously wanted to hug me tightly and punch a hole in the wall. Hearing about my past had clearly been upsetting, and wanting to get out of here with her I hurried myself. "I'd carry you if I could, but that'd raise questions from…those people", she sneered. Her protective side was endearing, and I relaxed a little at the comfort it brought.
Now, having never driven I could barely tell a nice car from a hole in the ground, but walking into the lot hers was obvious enough even for me. I liked the dark blue color, and it looked large enough to fit at least 4 people comfortably. Past that I had no idea what to think of it. Heidi opened the passenger side front door and put her hand on the small of my back as she gently helped me into the car. Getting in behind the wheel through her door she started the car and drove out of the lot, completely ignoring the stop sign at its entrance.
Nothing was said as she drove at the speed limit back to her house, despite clearly wanting to go faster. Finally, I asked, "Can I...p-put on…the radio?". "Certainly, pick any station you like". I went through the stations, hoping that I'd find one I could enjoy. Having depended on CDs for so long I'd forgotten most of the local ones. I coincidentally managed to find a community college station from one town over playing the song I had stuck in my head. The lyrics drew out a tiny smile while I looked at the passing trees through the window beside me.
I can't tell you the way I feel,
Because the way I feel is oh so new to me.
I can't tell you the way I feel,
Because the way I feel is oh so new to me.
Chapter Theme Songs Used So Far:
The Passenger – Iggy Pop
Grinnin' In Your Face – Son House
Get It On (Bang a Gong) – T. Rex
Breakdown – Guns N' Roses
Numb - Portishead
Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
Sprained Ankle - Julien Baker
Level - The Raconteurs
Columbia - Oasis