Kat rubbed her temples where she was perched on a rickety desk in the back of the store. Nothing made sense anymore. It had only been a few days and so much had happened. Things not even relating to the mess that used to be her and Spike's friendship. Tara had been brain sucked by Glory after the hell God thought she was the key. Buffy was dropping out of college which Kat understood completely but was still sad about for her. And Dawn was skipping school again. She felt like a hypocrite every time she lectured the young teen but she didn't want to listen. It reminded Kat of Spike the last time they'd dealt with this. Dawn had been receptive to him but it wasn't like she could ask for his help. Not now. He'd stopped being quiet about her attitude towards him and now it really was like they were back at square one, the pair of them fighting all the time. It hurt her how mean he was being but she'd expected it. She was doing the same after all. It didn't mean it didn't hurt any less though every time he was unpleasant to her. She wished it could be different. This was what she wanted though, wasn't it? For him to hate her? She just wished it hurt less.
She was hiding out in the back for a bit, everything getting too much for her. She felt bad for Tara being targeted by Glory like this and she felt bad for Willow having to watch her girlfriend seemingly act like a child. It was awful. She could feel it in the air that things were getting worse and soon things would come to a head. She dreaded to think about it. The door from the sewer opened and her head snapped towards it, gritting her teeth when Spike sauntered in. Just like old times, it was easier to channel her anger and direct it at him rather than have to deal with everything falling apart around her.
"Oh… it's you," she snarked, barely giving him a glance before she looked away.
"Who else would it be? Expectin' someone?" He bit out with a glare. She ignored him knowing that it really got under his skin when she did it.
"So, what you hidin' out back here for? Let me guess… you don't wanna deal with all the drama so you're pretending it's not happening? That it?" He smirked knowingly. She clenched her jaw as she shot him a dirty look.
"Why are you even here? Pretending you actually give a shit about what happens to any of us," she seethed, hopping off the desk.
"I do care… about some of you," he growled with a mocking smile. She felt a stab of something hit her right in the chest.
"Right… you come here acting all helpful unless it's me, then you're just a grade A asshole," she huffed as she turned to leave.
"Excuse me, hypocrite much? You're the one that started actin' all high and mighty and bein' a bitch," he fumed. She knew he was right yet she still turned around to look at him offended.
"What? Now you've found your soulmate, you think you're better than the rest of us? Than me?" He asked harshly. Her eyes widened. How the hell would he know about that?
"Yeah… Willow told me. Told me you found your person. So now you got no use for me, yeah?" He spat.
"Spike… you don't understand," she started tensely. He seemed… jealous. But then again he apparently had feelings for her so why wouldn't he? Wouldn't she feel the same if the roles were reversed?
"No, I understand perfectly. Act like we're friends and drop me as soon as someone else comes along like I meant nothing. Pretty typical of you, really. Self absorbed like always," Spike started to go on and on about how selfish she was and even though she knew he was hurting, his words hurt her just as much that he thought her to be so selfish. Something she always thought of herself.
"Spike," she interjected, eyes widening when he took a looming step closer.
"No! Where do you get off-" he yelled, making pain and panic seer through her.
"It was about you!" She shouted. She hadn't meant to say it but she'd wanted him to stop. Wanted him to stop feeding her own insecurities and twisting the knife where it lay buried in her chest.
He looked startled, eyes wide as he stared at her for a moment. The barest of smiles touched his lips but it was gone as quick as it came, a frown taking over instead. A mirthless laugh left his lips as he took a step back and shook his head.
"Right… shoulda known," he bit out, bitterness coating his words.
"What?" She asked, confused. Her voice sounded small even to her own ears.
"Red told me how freaked out you got. Left the shop right quick. And now I know why," he chuckled, but once again it was pained.
"'Cause I've got no soul, yeah? 'Cause I'm a vamp? You found out we're connected and it disgusted you so much you had to leave," he accused. Her mouth floundered for a moment before she managed to speak.
"You've got it all wrong," she shook her head vehemently, not understanding how he was twisting this so much. She hadn't planned on telling him ever but this wasn't how she thought it would go if it happened.
"Have I? Seems to me I'm good enough to swoop in and save you, good enough to be a shoulder to cry on when you need it. But the thought of bein' with me repulses you that much, you couldn't stand it," he growled, his blue eyes flashing with pain. She felt a lump lodge in her throat. Did he really think so little of her? He had it completely wrong.
"Spike," her voice quivered as she took a step closer but he quickly moved back. The look he directed at her broke her heart. A mix of heartbreak and complete betrayal. She never wanted that look aimed at her. Before she could say anything else, he left right out of the door he came in through and she was left standing there with her lower lip trembling.
She'd been working hard at pushing him away but this hurt. This wasn't what she wanted. She never wanted him to think that about her, to think she thought she was better than him. She didn't want to hurt him like this. She slumped back against the desk as a broken sob left her lips, her hand slapping over her mouth to stifle it. She thought things were bad enough but now it was just worse. She had no idea what to do.
A few days passed and Kat was in a rut. Spike hadn't been by at all to any meetings or even to just bug people and she missed him. She hated how they left things between them. She sat at the counter of the store, only Willow there, Tara in the hospital. Willow would be heading out soon and Kat would be alone until it was time to close. Everything was ramping up with the Glory thing. Kat tapped the counter restlessly as her brain replayed her fight with Spike over and over on a loop. Sure she was a little curious and confused on how a relationship with someone without a soul might end up, but she didn't think it was that big of a deal. Spike was a good guy even without a soul and her ex very much had a soul and was a monster. She was just scared to take that leap and end up losing him. So she'd pushed him away first before it could happen, on her terms. But of course it blew up in her face. It bothered her that he really thought she felt that way, it didn't sit right with her at all.
"So, I've been thinking…" Willow started as she moved to the counter. The witch looked worn down from everything she was dealing with because of the Tara situation and Kat's heart broke for her. Willow was now aware Spike was the one in the spell. Kat decided to fill her in. Mostly because Willow had been the one to find her in the back room after her fight with Spike. It wasn't often Kat broke down like that, so naturally Willow had pushed until Kat told her everything.
"I mean, it's normal to be upset in this situation. But this depression you've got going on… I think it's made worse with the kinda soulmate bond. It can affect people in different ways with their emotions and with this being a little… half on the soul side of things… I'm not really sure how it'd affect you. But I think it might be making you feel worse. I figured maybe reading this could help," she explained softly, plonking a book on the counter that looked centuries old. Kat grabbed the book, glancing at it.
"Thanks, Will," Kat murmured quietly. She really was depressed. Since she'd not seen Spike at all and knew he was so upset with her, she felt all upside down.
"You sure you'll be fine on your own?" Willow asked softly, concern etched on her face.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I might just lock up early and head home," she shrugged. Willow nodded, clutching the strap of her bag. She'd be going to see Tara in hospital and Kat felt sorry for her.
"Give Tara my love," she said sadly. Willow nodded, swallowing thickly.
"I will," she said before she left.
Kat, being alone, decided to sit at the counter and read some of the book. It went into soulmate bonds and the different ways they affect people. She had no idea what would apply to her or not but some of it made sense. Things about change in moods when apart. She glanced over a part that stated if one of them died, the other would go mad. She didn't even want to think about it. She wasn't sure how long she was reading when the bell chimed. She glanced up and her heart stilled as she saw Spike waltz in. The meeting had been canceled for the night but clearly no one had told him. No one had expected him to show up. He looked around for a moment, confusion on his face before his eyes landed on her. His face hardened and her stomach dropped as he walked over to her.
"No meeting?" He asked curtly. She tucked some hair behind her ear as she shook her head, closing the book quickly.
"No," she answered softly. His eyes drifted to the book and how protective she was being over it, his eyes narrowing.
"What's that? How to be a bitch 101?" He asked snidely. She frowned and gave him a look.
"None of your business," she stated slowly. He smirked then. The kind of smirk that made her stomach twist up in all kinds of ways. Suddenly, the book was snatched from her hands and she stood so fast the stool she'd been sitting on clattered to the floor.
She watched with wide eyes as he scanned the front cover, confusion once again taking over his face. He pursed his lips then, chucking the book back on the counter roughly.
"Don't know why you're even botherin' to read it. Tryin' to find a way to break the bond?" He asked cruelly. Her heart ached as she grabbed the book, moving from around the counter. She stuffed the book in her bag at the table before she turned to look at him again. He was already watching her apprehensively.
"Sit down… please," she sighed, gesturing to the chair next to the one she sat herself in. He squinted at her but he seemed curious enough since he did as she asked. She didn't like things being like this. Her plan of never telling him and pushing him away flew right out the window now. She at least could explain to him what was going on in her chaotic brain.
"I don't care that you don't have a soul. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but souls don't always make a person good. And not having them doesn't always make them bad. I told you, Spike. You're a good guy," she started. He clenched his jaw as he stared at the table in front of him.
"My last relationship… it was really really bad. So bad that I spent years gluing myself back together when it ended. And now… relationships just scare me. I can't go through that heartache again. I care about you… I did before the spell, that's why I did it in the first place. I freaked out because I just… I don't want things to go wrong. I don't want to lose you like that. And just because some spell tells me we're destined to be together… doesn't mean I want this to be forced with us," she admitted shakily.
He hadn't been able to look at her, sure that whatever she said it'd be lies. But as his blue hues scanned her face, he saw no deception there. It felt like the compressing weight on his chest had been lifted, his face softening as he turned in his chair to look at her better.
"I feel it too, but I understand you're scared. I'd never hurt you, not like he did. Wouldn't dream of it," he murmured. Her cheeks flushed a pretty pink color as she looked down, looking unsure of herself. He'd been heartbroken to think she was repulsed by him and his lack of soul. Completely wounded by it. But now he could see how wrong he was. She didn't care about that. It was just her past haunting her and he wanted to show her what real love was like. That it didn't have to hurt. He respected the fact she didn't want to force it because of a spell. He didn't want it either. Whatever was between them was real and he wanted it to grow organically, at her pace. He reached out, his hand caressing her cheek and making her look at him again. So much vulnerability behind her beautiful blue eyes.
"We don't need to rush it. I'll wait for you. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here, Kitten," he said softly. He meant it too. He'd wait as long as it took if it meant he'd finally get to have her willingly. He felt overwhelming hope bloom in his chest that maybe they did have a chance after all. Maybe all of Red's talk about fate wasn't all bullshit.
"Really? You'll wait? Even though I'm a mess and scared of commitment?" She asked with a wry smirk. He could hear her worry though. Unsure he'd actually wait for her.
"As long as I have to," he said sincerely. She smiled then, full of relief and it felt like someone cracked open his ribs and let his heart spill out. My god, he loved her. He loved her even when he was hurt and tried to convince himself he hated her. It had been the worst few days of his unlife. Her hand came up over his that was still on her cheek and he felt the rift between them heal completely. Everything was out in the open now. Their feelings on the table. It was comforting in a way, to know it wasn't unrequited and to know it was meant to be. It wasn't just another person he fell for that was wrong for him. They were made for each other. So he wouldn't rush it. Wouldn't scare her off and push her away because of impatience. She was scarred from her past so he'd allow her to overcome it and let them grow closer at her pace.
"Want me to walk you home?" He asked after a moment. He was relieved they weren't fighting anymore. Staying away from her had been torture.
"I'd like that," she nodded, smiling somewhat shyly. She was embarrassed he knew of her feelings, he could tell. She felt vulnerable over it. But she could trust him with her heart completely and he'd keep it safe. He'd never let anything happen to it.