A/N: this one is a long one, guys. I was going to split this up but then I just figured I'd keep it all together, so enjoy lmaooo
Denial
"I'm just saying… she's not cried or anything. It's a little weird, right? She's acting like nothing happened. But it did! Buffy is dead. Doesn't she care?" Anya asked emphatically, confusion all over her face.
"Of course she cares, you daft bint! She's grieving!" Spike snapped harshly, defensiveness flaring. It had been only two days since Buffy had died but the dark cloud looming over them hadn't eased any. Everyone other than Dawn and Kat were gathered in the Magic shop. They'd had to set some plans in motion since the Slayer was gone. They'd managed to get a robot version of Buffy so the demons were unawares the girl was dead. It would only incite a riot if they knew. On top of that, everyone had been all hands on deck to help poor little Nibblet and her older cousin. Kat though… Spike was worried. Anya wasn't wrong. She hadn't cried. Not once. She'd been in shock and then the next day she went about like nothing had even happened. Denial. She was grieving alright, but he was worried she'd happily live in this stage of grief until it swallowed her whole. And he didn't know what to do about it.
He knew it'd be hard, losing yet another loved one in her life. He couldn't imagine what pain lay under her mask of denial. He'd tried to be there for her, tried to get her to talk about it. But all he'd get was an "I'm fine" and that was it. But she wasn't fine, he knew that. He just didn't know how to bloody fix it. It hadn't gone unnoticed by any of the others about how poorly Kat was handling the whole thing. The only one not really grasping the denial part of it being the ex demon.
"You don't think she might… do something stupid do you?" Willow asked in a whisper. Uncomfortable silence took over them all then. Kat was unpredictable, she was. That was the issue. She didn't let anyone in, ignored her own problems. It was hard to tell if she'd get through this or try throwing herself off a damn building and it worried him.
"I'll keep watch. Won't let anythin' happen to her," Spike muttered firmly. He meant it too. He was sure her dream had been about this. All this talk of her going through something hard and him being there. He wanted to be there but she wasn't letting him. So he'd do it from afar because he'd be damned if he let something happen to her. It had been bad enough seeing her injured like she was after the fight. Luckily the witches did a healing spell to fix her right up. Sadly, it only worked on the physical stuff though.
Kat stared blankly at the packed backpack on her bed. It was for the best, she knew that. She was almost positive she'd been cursed as a child by a rogue witch or something. Everyone close to her wound up dead. Her mom, her dad, Joyce, now Buffy. The pain she felt was like nothing she'd ever experienced in her life. Something had snapped inside of her, like a thick wall going up and making her feel oddly numb. But it didn't help much. She didn't want anything to happen to the others. She didn't want to get Dawn killed, or Spike. One more death and she was sure she'd crumble into nothing. She needed to leave. She was bad news and everyone would be better off without her there. She knew people would be upset with her when they found her gone, but they'd get used to it. She wasn't that important anyway, they'd soon get over it. They'd thank her in the long run when they all lived full and happy lives.
She heaved a large sigh as she swung the bag around her shoulder, quietly leaving her room and then the house. The air was cold, even through her leather jacket, but she ignored it as she set off walking down the street. She didn't get far when she heard heavy footfalls behind her. She stopped, turning around to see a furious looking Spike.
"Goin' somewhere, pet?" He asked lowly, eyes darting to her bag.
"Didn't realize I was being locked away," she replied coolly, gripping the strap of her backpack tightly. His eyes narrowed a little as he took a step towards her.
"You can't just walk away from this, from Dawn. Not this time," he argued tensely. She clenched her jaw and shook her head.
"I can do whatever the hell I want!" She snapped at him, turning away from him as she started stomping off.
"The girl needs you, and here you are, runnin' off like it won't hurt her to lose another person!" he yelled, catching up to her. He grabbed her arm and whirled her around to face him.
"They're all gonna die because of me!" Kat bellowed brokenly. Spike's hand let her go as he took a step back with wide eyes at her outburst. It was too late, the bandaid was ripped off and she couldn't stop herself.
"I'm cursed, Spike. Everyone I care about ends up dead! I can't… I can't do it again. I can't keep losing people. I mean, who next? Dawn? You? Giles? I'm like a disease and I poison everything I touch. They're better off without me," she sobbed brokenly, bringing a hand to her mouth to stifle the pitiful noises leaving her lips.
Spike's face softened, a sad frown gracing his face as he quickly moved to wrap his arms around her. She cried into his chest as he held her tightly, a hand stroking her hair soothingly.
"You're not cursed, luv. Yeah, you've had your run of bad luck but sometimes bad things just happen to good people," he murmured softly. He moved her away and cupped her cheeks, his thumbs swiping away the rivulets of tears that streamed her face. She blinked up at him with damp lashes, shaking her head forlornly.
"And even if you left, I'd bloody follow you. Can't just let you go. Told you I'd be here and I meant it," he assured.
"I feel so lost, Spike. I have no idea how to deal with this," she admitted tearfully, letting the hold he had on her face comfort her.
"I know, pet. But I'm here every step of the way. Let me help you through this," he implored, his blue eyes shining in the moonlight. She still felt unsure about everything and she wasn't completely sure she'd be able to make it through the other side. She wanted to believe Spike, she really did. And it did make her feel a little better that he was there for her.
"Come back, yeah? We need you," he murmured. She swallowed thickly, nodding at him. He led her back inside, Dawn still fast asleep and none the wiser that she'd tried to leave. He stayed with her until she fell asleep and she was thankful that no dreams plagued her that night.
Anger
The door of the Magic Box slammed roughly behind Kat as she entered the store. Anger was her new best friend it seemed. She couldn't shake the unbelievable rage that had her in its clutches. She was angry at the universe for taking another loved one away from her. She was angry at herself for being nothing but a weak human who was unable to save her cousin. She was angry at Buffy for being such a martyr and sacrificing herself. So what if all hell would have broken loose with the portal open. She'd rather they all go down together than have Buffy die alone. The past few days had her snapping at everyone, including Spike and Dawn. Then she'd feel guilty about it and it would only morph into more anger. She really couldn't get a grip on herself. The worst part was how patient Spike was being. Every time she snapped at him, he'd just murmur soft encouraging words and let her have some space.
She walked over to the table where everyone gathered for a Scooby meeting. One that didn't feel right when the main person wasn't present anymore. It was just another bitter reminder of what she'd lost. She set the tray of coffees and hot drinks on the table that she'd picked up on the way, roughly sitting in the chair and ignoring the wary eyes on her. Spike's burned the most with his concern and care. It felt like her skin was about to peel off.
"A cappuccino? Is this an evolved form of the latte I asked for?" Xander asked jokingly. Kat's eyes snapped to his then, such fire behind them it felt like the air got sucked out of the room and Xander's eyes widened.
"Not that I'm complaining. I mean… cappuccinos are better anyway, right?" He chuckled awkwardly.
"Maybe next time someone else can volunteer to be errand boy. It'd be nice to sit on my ass instead of trying to do nice things for unappreciative people," Kat muttered hotly, her chair scraping horribly on the floor as she scooted back before standing up.
"I'll be in the back taking inventory," she huffed.
"Kat… the meeting hasn't started yet," Giles said softly as he cleaned his glasses.
"I'm sure I can get the abridged version later," she replied coolly as she stomped off into the back.
She was only in there for a moment, roughly handling the merchandise with little to no regard for how expensive it was, when Spike walked in, gently closing the door behind him.
"Kat…" he started in that annoyingly soft and patient voice he seemed to always use around her lately.
"Leave me alone, Spike," she scowled, not even looking at him as she shoved some jars on the shelf.
"You need a moment to cool off. Ain't no use in upsettin' everyone like this. They're hurtin' too," he murmured with a frown. Her head whipped around to face him, jaw set and eyes blazing.
"I don't remember asking for your goddamn opinion," she growled. Hurt flashed behind his blue eyes but he tried to conceal it on his face. Not well enough though.
"Doesn't mean I won't give it. All it's gonna do is make you feel worse. You don't want that," he implored.
"What I want is for you to go the fuck away! I don't want you here!" She yelled angrily.
"You can use me as a verbal or physical punchin' bag all you want, I'll still be here for you," he said firmly. She felt like someone kicked her right in the chest at his words and she looked away quickly as her eyes burned. She knew she'd been difficult and snappy lately but his words reminded her what a grade A bitch she was being to everyone. She was hurting them, punishing them for something that wasn't their fault and she'd been punishing Spike the most.
"I don't wanna use you as any kind of punching bag," she murmured with a shaky voice, gripping the edge of a shelf as she took a long breath. He was silent for a long while before she heard him step closer and then he took her hand, peeling it from the shelf.
"Come on," he instructed. She gave him a look but he was undeterred as he led her out from the back and into the training room.
"What are you doing, Spike?" She sighed, being tugged further into the room near a large punching bag. Even looking at it made her chest burn hot.
"Workin' through your anger, luv," he replied before he dropped her hand. He gestured to the punching bag and she rolled her eyes.
"You want me to beat up the punching bag?" She asked dryly.
"It'll help get it out of your system," he explained with a shrug.
"I doubt it," she muttered.
"Worth a go, ain't it?" He asked, quirking a brow at her. She blew out a large breath, looking back at the punching bag that Buffy used to train with. She punched it, not too seriously, and Spike shook his head
"Channel your anger, use it," he prodded firmly. She clenched her jaw as she let another punch fly, this one harder and making the bag jostle around.
"That's it. Focus on how you're feelin', let it out," he encouraged.
She started nailing the bag, punching at it and getting more vicious with each swipe. She didn't know when but at some point she'd started screaming in frustration as she beat the holy hell out of it. She did it until she was exhausted and her throat felt raw and Spike was right there to wrap his arms around her before she collapsed. He was silent for a moment as he stroked her hair soothingly and she felt her heartbeat start to slow back down.
"Feel any better?" He asked hesitantly after a long while. She moved away from his arms and moved the stray hairs from her face.
"A bit," she admitted quietly. She meant it too. While it didn't solve her problems, she did feel much better after letting out her rage in a controlled way.
"Good. We'll make it a regular thing," he nodded as he looked at her. She nibbled her lower lip and glanced up at him as shame crept in.
"I'm sorry… for the yelling and the being mean and stuff," she frowned, cheeks heating up.
"Don't have to be sorry, Kitten. Told you, I'm here," he gave her a small smile, taking one of her hands and squeezing it. She really had no idea what she did to deserve Spike in her life but she was glad she had him.
Bargaining
Kat slipped her leather jacket on before she made sure she had her stake and dagger on her. After releasing her tension with the punching bag, Spike ended up training her. Buffy had shown her a few moves in the past but Kat wasn't a Slayer. She didn't have the finesse and grace of one either. All those fancy flips and twirls made her head spin. She was much more of a brawler, something Spike seemed to notice. He was the same. Spike did have grace, often reminding her of a predatory lion when he fought. But he was raw and passionate in his rage. He taught her how to lean into her strengths and guard her weaknesses and she was better off for it. She progressed quite a bit. She was still a fragile human and nowhere near perfect, but she'd gotten a lot better. She'd been patrolling every night. Not alone, as if Spike would let her. They all had to pick up the slack with Buffy gone. They had the Buffy bot, which Kat loathed, but if the demons knew Buffy was gone then Sunnydale would descend into insanity. So while the Buffy bot was out there as a stand-in, every one else was taking up the gauntlet and patrolling to keep Sunnydale safe. Even when the others patrolled, Kat found herself out on the prowl to rid the place of demons.
She wondered to herself often if the Powers That Be would bring Buffy back to them one day. Sure another Slayer was sure to rise, as it always went, but Buffy was special. And Sunnydale was a hellmouth, they needed her here to protect everyone. Maybe if they tried, if she tried, to step in Buffy's shoes for a little bit then Buffy would end up being given back as a job well done. Far fetched? Yes. But it didn't stop her mind clinging desperately to that hope. It wasn't like Buffy hadn't ever died before. She'd come back before, why couldn't she now? Why would Angel, after all he'd done, get a free pass to come back but Buffy had to stay dead? It didn't make sense. She had to come back. So maybe if they all played along and pleased the Powers That Be, they'd get what they want in the end.
She jogged down the stairs and swung open the front door, seeing Spike already at the front, smoking as he waited for her. He gave her a look she couldn't read as they fell into step together on the way to the cemetery.
"You sure we need to patrol tonight? Xander and Anya are out tonight. We've been patrollin' every night for a soddin' week," he muttered, giving her the side eyes. She pursed her lips, the stake tight in her hand as she glanced at him.
"You know you don't need to come with me," she shrugged with a shake of her head.
"Right… let you go off on your lonesome and get buggered 'cause you suddenly think you're super girl. Sounds like a great plan," he drawled sarcastically. She chose to ignore his comment as they kept on walking.
After patrolling for a bit, she felt restless as they came up empty handed and the tense silence between them and weird looks he kept giving her didn't help.
"Guess there's not much to do tonight," Spike murmured. She huffed and rolled her eyes, walking away a little as she glanced around. She was about to make a quip when someone suddenly jumped out from the shadows. She whirled around to face them, stake at the ready, but it was kicked out of her hands.
"Kat!" Spike roared as he rushed over. She swung wildly at the vampire. Her hits landed but since a vampire was much stronger than her, it wasn't like it did too much. The vampire grabbed her by the jacket and she was airborne for a moment before her back hit the floor, an oof leaving her lips as it forced the air from her lungs. The vampire turned to dust as Spike violently staked him. He crouched next to her, fussing over her as he muttered to himself and she swatted him away as she stood up.
"You didn't need to do that. I don't need saving," she huffed, making him scoff.
"Looked that way," he snarked. She shot him a dirty look before she started stomping off, but Spike caught her wrist and whirled her around to face him.
"This needs to stop," he growled.
"What does?" She asked confused and annoyed, yanking her arm from his grasp.
"You're pushin' yourself too hard and puttin' yourself in danger. You're still human, Kat," he frowned.
"We need to keep on top of it now Buffy's gone," she bit out.
"And we are. We got the bot and everyone's all hands on deck. You don't need to be out here every night actin' like you're the next bloody Slayer!" He argued.
"I'm not acting like a Slayer! But if we don't keep it up then Sunnydale will fall apart," she protested hotly.
"Won't be much use to the people if you're dead, luv," he sighed, blue eyes shiny and sad as he gazed down at her.
"I'm not going to die. I'm just filling in and keeping things right for when Buffy comes back!" She blurted, her body sagging as soon as the words left her lips. Spike blinked at her for a long moment before he frowned.
"What do you mean, comin' back?" He asked suspiciously.
"She's died before, right? And she came back. And Angel came back too. Why wouldn't they bring her back? We all need her here, Spike. And if the Powers That Be can see us all trying, then maybe they'll let her come back," her voice cracked and she knew somewhere inside of her that her words were stupid but it was muffled by the rest of her.
"You think they'll bring her back?" He asked slowly, sadness lacing his tone.
"They have to," she whispered forlornly. Spike heaved a sigh, stepping closer to her as he settled her heavy hands on her shoulders.
"Kat… Buffy's not comin' back. No matter what you do, she's gone. I know it's hard, but you need to accept it. If you don't, you'll end up hurt or dead… and you'll leave the Bit all alone. She can't lose you… neither can I," he said imploringly. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, his words only confirming that little voice on the back of her head.
"This can't be it, Spike. She can't just be gone," she lamented. His face was etched in concern and pain for her.
"She is, pet. I'm sorry, but she is," he whispered. She pressed her face to his chest as his words washed over her, as if it had only just really set in. Buffy was gone and she wasn't coming back. No otherworldly occurrences or the Powers That Be were going to bring her back, not this time.
Depression
Kat lay in bed, a dark cloud smothering her and eating her alive. She could barely get out of bed these days, she didn't really see the point. The tears seemed never ending lately. Every time she thought she had no tears left to cry, her body just seemed to produce more. She'd tried to spend more time with Dawn but it had been hard. The teen didn't seem to know how to deal with Kat and Kat figured it was best to hide away so the young girl didn't have to see her break down every five minutes. Everything reminded her of Buffy. Making breakfast, watching TV, patrolling, being at the magic shop. No matter where she went or what she did, all she could think about was Buffy and it felt like someone twisting the knife buried in her chest. So she just lay there in bed, thinking over all the times she'd shared with Buffy. Clinging onto those moments like they might float away. She remembered the time Buffy taught her how to ride a bike since Kat couldn't seem to grasp it. She remembered when Buffy beat up a boy for her when he'd been mean and called her names. She remembered all their late nights as they gossiped and Buffy would do her hair. Before she was a Slayer. They'd been so different yet complimented each other all the same. Like two halves to make up one whole.
She heard knocking at the front door but she didn't move at first. But as the knocking persisted, she heaved a sigh and climbed out of bed. She was in sweat pants and an oversized tee, her hair up in a messy bun. When she got to the door, she swung it open to see Spike, Willow and Tara.
"Hey, guys. What's up?" Kat muttered, not able to muster up even a small smile.
"Thought you could come with me for a bit. To mine. Get you outta the house," Spike shrugged.
"I can't just leave Dawn," Kat replied monotonously.
"That's where we come in!" Willow shot her a grin and she grasped Tara's hand.
"W-We're gonna stay here with Dawn for the night," Tara said with a soft smile. Kat looked from the witches to Spike and he gave her a lazy grin as he shrugged a shoulder.
"I'll get my shoes," Kat muttered, missing Spike's frown as she went back inside and slipped on some well worn converse. Spike loitered at the doorway as the witches came inside and made themselves comfortable on the sofa.
"Have fun," Willow said with a hesitant smile. Kat nodded and walked back over to Spike before they both left.
The trip to the crypt was silent and Kat's arms were wrapped around herself the entire way. She kept feeling Spike's blue eyes drifting to her but she couldn't bring herself to care. Once they got there, she moved to sit on his couch.
"I uh… thought we could watch somethin' different than Passions for a change. Picked up some movies you said you liked," he murmured as he moved towards the TV. She wasn't really paying attention, her mind was loud with depressing thoughts. But then he came back over and the movie started. It was Romeo and Juliet. The one with Leonardo DiCaprio in it. This was hers and Buffy's movie, they'd watched it a billion times and gushed over Leo. She felt like she couldn't breathe and her hand slapped over her mouth as the tears started all over again. She heard Spike mutter a 'bugger' as he quickly paused the movie and turned to her.
"Kat? What is it? Is it the movie?" He asked, a slight note of panic in his voice. If she wasn't so depressed she'd feel bad for him dealing with her. She was like a time bomb.
"It's just… me and Buffy used to watch this all the time," she blubbering through her tears pitifully. She willed them to stop but they didn't.
He quickly wrapped his arms around her and she melted into him, her fist tightly clutching the front of his shirt.
"You need me to turn it off? I can put somethin' else on or we could just play cards or…" he trailed off sounding unsure of himself but she shook her head with a sniffle. One of his hands smoothed up and down her back soothingly as the other cradled her head to his chest. She wanted to just climb inside of his shirt and stay there. Hide from the world.
"S'alright, pet. Just let it all out," he murmured softly.
"I'm so weak and pathetic," she wailed weakly into his shirt, her voice a little muffled.
"There's no shame in grieving," he argued, making her look up at him with her sad and damp eyes.
"You can always be yourself with me. Don't need to hide it," he said sincerely. Warmth bloomed through her chest and without thinking, she leaned up and kissed him. He seemed caught off guard at first, his body tensing only for a second. But then he kissed her back. They hadn't kissed since that time just before Buffy …
She felt the overwhelming need for him hit her, mixing with the need to feel anything other than this gut wrenching pain she was living in. She moved over, straddling him as she deepened the kiss. He groaned into the kiss, his hands pawing at her hips and she could feel his body reacting to her. But suddenly he was holding her shoulders and pushing her away carefully. She blinked at him with her still wet lashes in confusion.
"Not like this," he shook his head, brows furrowed.
"What?" She asked confused, trying to not let the sting of rejection seep in.
"I want to. Lord knows I bloody want to. But you're not in your right mind, luv. I wanna be with you when it's right and because you really want it, not 'cause you're hurtin'. Wouldn't do that to you," he frowned, his voice soft. It took a moment for his words to really soak in and she felt gratitude. He was right. She wasn't really ready to take that step with him yet, she was doing it for all the wrong reasons. It wasn't fair on Spike and it wasn't fair on herself. It touched her how much he cared. He could have rolled with it easily, taken what he wanted from her. She gave him a smile and leaned closer to him, burying her face in the crook on his neck. His fingers traced lazily circles on her back as he nuzzled her hair.
"Thank you," she said quietly, her cheeks a little hot at her coming onto him like that.
"Don't need to thank me, Kitten," he replied, placing a soft kiss on her head.
Acceptance
Kat's hand tightened around Spike's, her other hand clutching a single white rose. Her chest felt heavy as she started down at the words carved out in stone.
BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS
1981-2001
BELOVED SISTER AND COUSIN
DEVOTED FRIEND
SHE SAVED THE WORLD
A LOT
She blew out a shaky breath, letting go of Spike's hand as she crouched down and placed the rose over the grave. She swallowed hard at the lump in her throat but allowed the stray tear to escape as she stood back up. It had been a whole month since Buffy had died. Since she left a gaping hole in Kat's life. It had been a roller coaster but she knew she wasn't coming back. There wasn't anything that she could do. She was just gone. It was a bitter pill to swallow.
"Goodbye, Buffy," she whispered, the words floating in the air around them. It was raw and painful but she'd finally accepted it. She reached out for Spike's hand, needing the comfort. He stayed silent out of respect but squeezed her hand in a way to let her know he was by her side. He'd been there the whole time no matter how crazy she was being. They'd bonded in a way like no other this past month. He'd seen the worst of her and he hadn't left. Hadn't turned his back on her. If Buffy was watching down on them, she knew her cousin would approve. It would earn her respect.
Buffy was really gone and there was nothing she could do to change that. It still hurt but with time she'd learn to deal with it as she had with every other loss in her life. But she wasn't alone. She still had Dawn, her family, her cousin slash little sister. She still had the guys who had also been with her the whole time even when they had no idea how to handle her. And she had Spike. She wasn't exactly sure what they technically were to each other right now, but it didn't matter. He was loyal and caring and nothing like she'd expected him to be. She was grateful to have people around her who cared. And while it would be hard to move on from this and close this chapter of her life, she needed to so she could keep living. She'd do it for Buffy. Make her proud of her. She wouldn't lay down and die because of this. She was strong. She'd make it through in the end.