Kat hummed to herself as she checked on the lasagna in the oven. She'd had the day off from work and enjoyed a simple day just lounging around. Buffy and Dawn would be back soon and Kat decided to cook a home cooked meal for once. It felt like they were living off take out or toast these days. It was a little late for food, darkness blanketing the sky outside. But she knew they wouldn't have eaten much during the day and she wanted to take care of them. What better way than with food? She heard a knock at the door and she made her way to the door, swinging it open to see Spike. Usually she saw him when she was at work, he didn't often just turn up to her place like this unless it was arranged beforehand.

"Hey. This is unexpected," she smiled, stepping aside to let him in. He flashed her a grin as he came inside and she shut the door.

"Can't I come see my favorite girl?" He asked with a teasing smirk. She felt her cheeks flush as she snorted.

"Well sorry to disappoint, but Buffy's not here," she said playfully, a joke she loved to use since she knew he hated it. He shot her a look and she just gave him a cheeky grin, making him smile as he rolled his eyes.

"Something smells good," he commented, eyes drifting to the kitchen before he started making his way in there. Her eyes drifted to the coffee table, seeing the pad where Xander scribbled his stupid list there. Her eyes widened and she ripped the paper out of the pad hastily, shoving it down the side of the couch cushions before she scurried after Spike.

"I'm making lasagna," she shrugged, trying to calm her heart rate so he wouldn't notice.

"Look at you, a regular little housewife. Didn't know you had it in you," he grinned.

"Excuse you! I can cook," she muttered defensively, pouting a little as she breezed past him to check the lasagna again. She could feel his eyes burning into her back and she started to worry he knew something was going on.

"So… what brings you here?" She asked, closing the oven and looking at him.

"I missed you," he admitted honestly as he walked over to her. His candid words made her stomach do somersaults and she found a stupid smile painting her lips that she couldn't even help.

"I missed you too," she confessed, feeling bold since he'd said it first.

"You did?" He asked. She wasn't sure why he sounded so shocked and she snorted a little with a shrug.

"I always miss you when you're not around," she wasn't sure just why those words left her lips but she couldn't exactly take them back. Maybe she didn't want to. He blinked at her for a moment, an almost shy smile toying on his lips as he stepped even closer to her. His scent overwhelmed her as she looked up at him and he tucked her hair behind her ear as he gazed down at her. The moment felt charged with something she couldn't put her finger on and then suddenly he was leaning in. Her heart ramped up, beating so hard she felt like it was about to burst right out of her chest. She didn't feel the need to move away though, her heart overruling her head as she closed her eyes and leaned closer to him.

The shrill sound of the timer assaulted her ears, making her jump out of her skin. Spike chuckled, hanging his head a little and she gave him a sheepish smile as she hurried over to the oven and grabbed the lasagna out.

"I'll go wait in the living room, let you finish your cookin'," he murmured.

"You are quite distracting," she snorted with pink cheeks as she set the food on the counter. He gave her a dirty smirk that made her feel breathless and then he was out of the room. She gripped the counter as she inhaled a deep steadying breath. She'd been ready for him to kiss her again. She'd wanted it. The universe had other plans it seemed. Maybe things were starting to progress with them. She remembered Buffy's words from the night before. Maybe she could be happy with Spike. Maybe she could make him happy. Maybe it was time to finally let him in.

Spike sat on the sofa and leaned his head back. That damn timer. He wanted to break the sodding thing. She'd been willing too. Leaning in, waiting for his lips to touch hers. She hadn't recoiled or made an excuse. It was progress. It gave him hope that he wouldn't have to wait his whole unlife for her to be ready for a relationship with him. Not that he wouldn't if he had to. He'd wait forever for her. He shifted in his seat and glanced to the side of the sofa when he heard a weird crinkling noise. He spotted a piece of paper poking out of the side of the couch cushions. Curiosity bit at him as he grabbed it, unscrewing the paper. He'd expected a shopping list or something but he'd been very very wrong.

Dating Spike

Pros

Neutered, no feeding

Cons

No soul = EVIL MONSTER

Unfaithful. Cheat the first chance he gets

His hands shook as anger swept right through him, his blue eyes glaring at the offending paper in his hands. The pain in his chest was like nothing he'd ever felt before. He wasn't just angry. He was hurt. He was utterly devastated. There was only one person who'd be writing a list like this, the same very person he'd almost kissed. He was so bloody stupid. A downright idiot. All his thoughts about them making progress and how she seemed to be warming up to the idea of a relationship and here she was, making a list like this. He couldn't believe this is what she thought of him. He knew he wasn't a good man, not by any means. But to see her thinking he was nothing but a soulless monster hurt like a bitch. The overwhelming urge to flee took over him and he tossed the paper on the table before he hopped up and left swiftly, the door slamming behind him.

Kat jumped at the noise and frowned as she moved out of the kitchen. She presumed it'd be Buffy, but Buffy wasn't there. Neither was Spike. Her eyes landed on the paper on the table and her heart stopped beating all together.

"Oh no. No, no, no," she muttered as she quickly ran out the front door, bare feet and all. She saw Spike just down the street and she took off after him.

"Spike!" She called out frantically, panic worming its way in. Stupid Xander and his stupid list.

"Leave me alone," he bit out, not even turning to look at her. She caught up to him and quickly intercepted him, standing in front of him. The look on his face made her stomach tie in knots. He looked mad but she could see the hurt shining behind his blue eyes.

"Just hear me out, please?" She begged, ignoring the cold bite of the pavement underneath her feet.

"Not much to say, is there? You think I'm a soulless, evil monster who's gonna cheat on you the first chance I get," he muttered tensely.

"That list wasn't mine. Xander wrote it. Buffy asked about us and Xander got weird and made the list. I don't think any of that stuff, I swear," she rambled imploringly.

"Doesn't matter anyway, does it? It's not exactly wrong. I don't have a soul. I'll never be the man you deserve, never be whole," he frowned as he shook his head.

"You don't have a soul, so what? You know that doesn't bother me. It doesn't change anything. Things aren't always black and white," she said softly. She tried to take his hands but he snatched them away from her with a pained look on his face. She couldn't shake the pain in her chest at his action.

"I'm not a good man. I'll always be fightin' to be good and it'll still never be good enough. Like walkin' up a bloody mountain with weights tied to me. It'll never be enough. Not for you," he argued. She scoffed as her jaw clenched, standing taller.

"You're already good enough for me, Spike! Having no soul doesn't change that," she insisted. He didn't seem to listen to her words though as he shook his head once more.

"Maybe you should listen to the whelp. I'm evil. Ain't nothin' I can do to change that, not even this soddin' chip in my brain. You deserve better than that," he muttered. She was about to argue her case some more but he walked around her and stomped off.

"Spike! Please don't do this. Just talk to me!" She implored, hurt lacing her words. He didn't say anything, didn't stop or even turn. He continued to walk off in the dark of night and left her standing in the street as her heart broke.

She didn't know what to do. He wouldn't listen to her. That goddamn list had gotten into his head and now nothing she said seemed to matter. Had he been thinking this the whole time? Had this just brought up insecurities he already had? She frowned as she watched him retreat into the darkness before she made her way back inside. She really didn't know how to fix this. Just as she'd decided she was ready to take the leap with him, something had to go wrong. How the hell were they fated to each other when this was how things were going? She angrily grabbed the list from the table as she got inside and shoved it in the trash can. She hated that she'd forgotten about it in the first place. She should have thrown it out last night. She sat on the sofa and heaved a heavy sigh. She really had no clue how to make this better.