A/N: Bit of a shorter one but this one is pretty important.
Spike sat on the couch in his crypt, a bottle of whiskey in his hand that didn't do a damn thing to help numb his current feelings. He'd been drowning in his misery and self loathing since his interaction with Kat the night before. It didn't really change anything that Kat hadn't written the list herself. It wasn't like it was lies. He'd felt a lot of things over his years. Felt love for Dru, felt admiration yet hatred for Angelus. Remorse, however, wasn't something he was used to feeling. Now it was smothering him. He'd never cared about the things he'd done in the past. He was evil, he took what he wanted and damn the consequences. But now it felt like every bad deed he'd ever done was mocking him. Laughing right in his bloody face. It was bad enough that Kat knew of his sordid past and the things he'd done, but now he felt like he'd never be able to wash himself clean. To scrub the blood staining his hands.
He'd been reduced to an evil soulless monster on that list and past Spike would have relished it in. It's what he was, after all. But Kat had changed him. Made him want to be a better man for her, so he deserved her. He never would though, would he? Nothing he did would ever erase the pain and suffering he'd caused in the past and now it was killing him. If someone would have told him a year ago he'd find himself right here, he'd have laughed in their bloody face. It was ridiculous. Bad enough he'd been chipped like a sodding puppy. That was out of his control, forced him to not feed on or hurt humans. Something he had no say in. But now he wanted to be good. Wanted to be better. And what would happen if the chip ever stopped working? The thought of her being disappointed in him if he went back to his old ways made his chest hurt. He couldn't. Old Spike was long gone. Out of commission. He'd rather stake himself than have Kat give him that disappointed look.
He was doomed, that's what he was. He was a changed man yet he felt stuck in this limbo. No longer completely evil, but never able to be truly good either. He loathed it. He'd never be good enough for her, but he was changed enough that it bothered him. He didn't just want to pursue her without a care of his past. His evil past was glaring at him in the face like a damn neon sign and he couldn't ignore it. The Powers That Be or whoever the hell decided to connect him to Kat were off their bloody rocker. Girl deserved a decent bloke. Someone that hadn't spent more than 100 years slaughtering innocent people without a care in the world. And though he was technically on the side of good now, wanted to make Kat proud of him, it wasn't like he could just ignore his nature. Because he didn't have a bloody soul. No amount of trying to be good would ever make him a real good man. He was lacking a key component for that.
Kat didn't seem so concerned about his lack of soul and he wasn't surprised given all she'd been through. But it was important, even if she tried to convince herself it wasn't. She deserved nothing but the best and maybe she couldn't see that, but he could. He wouldn't let her settle for less. For him. He really had changed. When had he become so damn selfless? He barely recognised himself. He wasn't so sure it was a good thing now he was sitting alone and being tortured by his own evil nature. Would he turn on her if his chip stopped working? He loved her. He knew he did. But what if they were ever in a situation where he ended up drinking from her again and he didn't stop? Where the bloodlust got to him? If he had a soul it would prevent him from doing such a thing. The chip was almost like a synthetic soul in a way, but even with it, it still wasn't enough.
Why couldn't things just be simple? Why couldn't he just have the girl he loved? She might not love him, maybe she wasn't quite there yet, but she did care about him. And they were meant to be. Why couldn't they just be together? For the first time in a long while, he felt envy swell up inside of him. Why did Angelus get a soul? After all the atrocities he'd done, far worse than Spike himself. He got a bloody soul. Spike would have taken it at this point, bloody curse and all. It'd be worth it just to know he'd be at least someone worthy of having Kat as his. Of being her other half. Still wouldn't make up for all he'd done, but it would level the playing field a tad. He wouldn't just be this soulless thing.
He polished off the rest of his whiskey before he threw the bottle at the wall, watching as it shattered into a million tiny shards. Felt like his bloody heart. Nothing but pulp in his chest. He couldn't live with her, couldn't live without her. He knew there was only one thing he could do to be the man she deserved. To ever have a chance of being able to be with her. Wouldn't be easy by any means but there wasn't a damn thing he wouldn't do for that girl. He'd bloody stake himself if she asked him to, and that was terrifying. His mind was made up. It was the only thing he could do. Maybe he wouldn't even make it but at least then he could say he tried. He couldn't just give up on them, on her. He didn't have it in him. He'd do this and then finally she'd see him as a good man. Someone worthy of having her.