A/N: Thank you to those who have liked, commented etc so far! I love hearing when people enjoy my stuff!
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Kat's fingers drummed restlessly on the counter of the Magic Box, her head too messy to think straight. She was the only one there and the silence left far too much room for her thoughts. It had been two weeks since she'd seen or heard from Spike. He'd not been to the meetings, hadn't turned up for patrol. Even when things hadn't been great with them he'd at least show up so she didn't have to patrol on her own. She'd half expected him to just turn up but he never did. She'd been by his place but he wasn't there. When she checked the next day, the place was still empty. Not a thing out of place. She'd been by every day for the whole damn two weeks and he hadn't been there. She was confused and hurt. It seemed like he'd just left. She knew he was upset about everything but she didn't think he'd just abandon her. She'd thought he cared too much for that. So much for the bond.
Her and Xander weren't really on speaking terms. It was his stupid list that started this mess and instead of apologising, he'd given her a whole 'I told you so' speech. She was starting to wonder if she ever really knew Spike at all. Everything was a mess and she felt like she was missing half of herself. She couldn't wrap her brain around the fact he was just gone. It didn't make sense. She shuffled her cards for the millionth time, and just like the last times, the same cards came up. The Lovers and Two of Cups, as they always did. But since she'd been reading after Spike left, the Tower was replaced by Death. It sounded scarier than it was as it represented the death of something to make way for something new. Usually something more positive. She knew the reading related to Spike as the first two cards only ever repeatedly came up last time about their connection. But she couldn't figure out this new card, especially not when he'd up and left.
The phone on the wall started ringing and part of her wanted to just let it ring out. She didn't care about work, about customers, she didn't care about any of it anymore. She was just miserable without Spike here. The phone stopped ringing but soon after it started again. The noise started to grate on her last nerve and she stood up, stomping over to it as she angrily picked it up.
"Magic Box," she bit out.
"Kat, it's me. You need to get over to the school right now," Buffy said hurriedly down the phone. She'd started working at the school recently which was a move Kat hadn't seen coming but it was good for her.
"What is it? Is it Dawn?" Kat asked as panic punched her in the gut. She wasn't sure how much more crap she could take before she snapped.
"Not Dawn. Just hurry, I'll meet you out front," Buffy said firmly before she hung up.
Kat blinked at the phone for a moment before she hung up the receiver. She hated people being cryptic. She grabbed her jacket before she locked up the store and made her way to the school. Buffy was standing out front waiting for her, a weird look on her face.
"Do I get to know why I'm here now?" Kat asked with a sigh.
"Come on," Buffy muttered, taking her hand and practically dragging her into the building. Kat was confused. More so when Buffy led her to the basement of the place.
"Is this where I find out you're possessed and you're gonna kill me?" Kat asked half joking. With the way she was feeling, she wasn't sure if she'd even bother to fight back. Buffy scoffed and gave her a look as they got to a door.
"You need to see this," she murmured in a hushed tone, pushing open the door. Kat wasn't sure what she expected to see but it definitely wasn't a disheveled Spike huddled in the corner.
His hair was curly, no longer gelled back as his roots started to grow out. She blinked dumbly at him, completely taken over with shock as she quickly glanced back at Buffy. She gave her a shrug and looked just as perplexed as Kat.
"I was dealing with some vengeful spirit thingies, found him like this. He's not making sense. I don't even think he recognised me," Buffy explained with a frown. Kat's chest seized and when she looked back at Spike, he was standing now, watching her with a strange look on his face. He reached his hand out to her face slowly before retracting it quickly like it burnt him just being near her.
"Spike… do you know who I am?" She asked softly, her voice wavering. What the hell had happened to him?
He laughed but it wasn't pleasant. It was the sound of a deranged person and Kat felt herself tense. But suddenly his laughter abruptly stopped and his tearful eyes pierced right into her.
"Sweet little kitty. An angel," he murmured in a whisper, his blue eyes wide and imploring. She hadn't thought much of her dream, it had gone when Buffy died. But his words struck a chord in her as his song came to mind.
"Will you be okay here? I need to get back up there," Buffy asked quietly. Kat almost forgot she was there.
"Yeah, I'm good," Kat replied without looking at her, watching Spike carefully. She heard Buffy's footfalls get further away as she and Spike just watched each other. As she took a step towards him, he took one back, pressed against the wall as he stared at her with wide eyes. His shirt moved as he did, revealing deep scratch marks all over his chest. She felt her heart squeeze painfully at the sight of him. Something very very bad had happened, that much was obvious.
"Spike, what happened to you?" She lamented with a frown.
"Tried to cut it out," he muttered, shaking his head frantically.
"Cut what out?" She asked, confused, watching as he moved further away from her.
"Can't get it out. It burns, can't make it stop," he whined pitifully. A broken sob left his lips as he slid down the wall and curled in on himself. She felt a lump lodge in her throat, her lower lip wobbling as she tried to keep her emotions in check. It was hard though seeing him like this. She wiped her eyes quickly as she sat down against the wall opposite him. He clearly needed space and she'd give it to him.
"The angel weeps as she looks upon a monster," Spike whispered desperately, clutching his head. She felt her heart breaking all over again.
"You're not a monster," she murmured sadly. She watched him with wide eyes as he sobbed into his hands. She felt helpless and at a loss on how to help or what was wrong with him.
"Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight," she started quietly. During their many talks and stories, he'd told her his mother used to sing Brahms lullaby to him as a child. She'd asked him to sing it to her but he'd refused. But after she taunted him over the fact he wouldn't sing because he wasn't good at it, he'd done it just to spite her. And she found out that he indeed could sing, just like her dream. He looked up from his hands as she continued to sing.
"With lilies o'er spread is baby's wee bed." He blinked slowly at her, a strange look on his face. But the singing had the desired effect of calming him down.
"Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed. Lay thee down now and rest, may thy slumber be blessed," she sang softly, watching as his body relaxed a little.
"Lullaby and goodnight, thy mother's delight. Bright angels beside my darling abide. They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast. They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast," by the time she'd finished the song, his eyes were shut and his head was slumped against the wall. She wasn't sure if he was fully asleep or just resting, but she was scared to move and set him off again. She had no idea what was wrong with his mind, but whatever it was, it was tormenting him. She rested her head against the wall, watching him sadly. She needed to speak to Giles so they could figure out how to fix him. Before long, her own eyes fluttered shut, feeling mentally exhausted. When she woke up again, it was hard to tell how long she'd been asleep with the dark of the basement. She blinked tiredly and could hear Spike from the corner of the room talking to himself.
"I'm sorry. Make it stop, make it stop," he muttered desperately.
"Spike?" She asked softly, her eyes trying to adjust so she could see him.
"Don't look at me!" He yelled, making her jump as it startled her.
"I'm unclean. Defiled and all wrong," he continued in a whisper. He burst out laughing again in that terrifying way Kat wasn't too fond of.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. Be sure to get lashes for what I've done," he frantically mumbled. She'd really hoped that he'd magically be a bit better by now. It was foolish and she knew it.
She pulled her phone from her pocket and saw it was late. She didn't want to leave him but she needed to get home. As much as she wanted to stay with him, she needed to figure out what the hell had happened to him so they could put him right again.
"I need to go. Will you come with me? I could take you home or you could stay with me?" She asked hopefully as she stood up, frowning at the sight of him hugging himself in the corner.
"I live here, this is my home. Cheers for stoppin' by," he muttered, not looking at her. She heaved a sigh, her chest feeling heavy with the weight of it all.
"I'll come back tomorrow," she promised. He wasn't listening though, too busy muttering nonsense to himself. She left reluctantly, her body feeling like she was moving through molasses with every step she took.
The next day, Kat made her way to the school, a plastic bag with containers of pigs blood in hand. She wasn't sure how long Spike had been down there but he needed to feed. She'd spoken to Giles earlier that day and he'd promised to look in his books to see what was going on. She was dreading seeing Spike again, not sure how he'd behave or if he'd gotten worse. She knocked on his door before she opened it and he was huddled in the corner where she left him. He looked up at her as if he was shocked she came back and she tried to stuff the pain in her chest down as she moved to sit next to him, leaving some distance between them.
"I got you food," she murmured, taking one of the three containers out of the bag. She opened the lid and gingerly handed it out to him. She didn't expect him to smack it from her hand, the blood splattering all over the floor and wall as she yelped.
"No more blood. Blood on my hands, the walls, the people. No more pain. No more death. Innocent, all innocent," he muttered, pain lacing his every word.
"It's pig's blood, Spike. No one was hurt," she explained carefully, still shocked by his outburst. His head snapped to hers then, eyes narrowed distrustfully.
"Promise?" He whispered.
"I promise," she nodded, slowly getting another container and opening it. She held it out to him, anticipating another outburst. This time though, he took it, staring at it before he sniffed it. Seemingly satisfied, he guzzled it down like a man starved. She hurried to open the last container for him as she wondered just when the last time he fed had been. He took that one a lot more readily and it was gone in seconds.
"Better?" She asked softly. He nodded as he wiped his mouth, blinking slowly at her.
"Will the angel sing for me again? Soothes the burn. Makes the noise stop," he asked quietly, his blue eyes wide and imploring. She gave him a sad smile as she nodded. This time when she sang, he shuffled closer. She tried to act like she didn't notice, as if he'd spook like a skittish animal. She was more than shocked when he moved to lay his head in her lap. She kept singing as her hand slowly reached out, testing the waters as she stroked his hair. Instead of freaking out, he seemed to relax more.
When she stopped singing, she kept playing with his hair as the pair stayed in silence for a while.
"Spike… where did you go?" She asked softly. She knew that would be the key into what happened to him.
"To find the missing piece, to be whole again," he replied quietly. She frowned in confusion as she gazed down at him. He was laying on his side, head in her lap with his eyes closed. She wanted to press him for more information but wasn't sure she'd get any sense out of him. She also didn't want to break the moment when he seemed somewhat at peace.
"Will the monster ever get the girl? Will he ever be worthy of her love? Her heart and soul?" He muttered thoughtfully.
"You're not a monster, Spike," she frowned, her fingers rubbing his scalp soothingly. He chuckled darkly as he moved to lay on his back. His face changed, vamp face on display as he blinked up at her.
"Monster, demon, murderer," he bit out.
"Not anymore," she shook her head. She brought her hand to his face, tracing the bumps on his head. He watched her looking perplexed and confused as her hand trailed to his cheek. His hand came to move over hers as he watched her carefully.
"Always unclean," he muttered sadly. She really didn't know how to get through to him.
Suddenly, he sat up abruptly and moved away from her, his face changing back.
"You should leave. Too busy for company today, sorry," he said with a shake of his head. She frowned before sighing and she stood up.
"Will you come with me?" She asked even though she knew the answer.
"Monster stays in his hole. Stays away from the world. The girl," he muttered. She wanted to hug him. Wanted to tell him she was working on helping him and that things would be better soon. But she knew he wouldn't listen. He wanted her to leave and so she did. But she'd be back tomorrow. She'd come back as long as she needed to until they could fix it.