"Kat, can I have a moment?" Giles asked a very tired Kat as she sat at the counter. It had been a few days since she found Spike in the basement. They'd established a routine. She'd turn up after work with blood for him that he'd eagerly drink. He'd ask her to sing for him and she would. Instead of shying away from her, now he wanted to be close to her. Always lying with his head on her lap. He'd babble his usual nonsense and she'd always try to reassure him he wasn't the monster he seemed to think he was. She'd told Giles every little thing Spike said to her, not sure just what would be helpful.
"Sure," she murmured, moving from around the counter to the table where he was. It was only the two of them there.
"I believe I know what's happened to Spike," Giles said gravely. Kat suddenly felt wide awake.
"What is it? Is it bad? Can we fix it?" She asked rapidly.
"I think… I think he may have gotten his soul back," he said carefully as he took off his glasses. Kat's brain seemed to stop working for a moment as the words sunk in.
"I… what? How?" She asked slowly.
"The demon trials. A demon has to go through a series of tests to prove he's worthy of being restored with his soul. Based on the information you've given me, I believe this is what Spike did. And now he's being tormented by his past deeds, just like Angel was," he murmured. She didn't know what to say for a moment.
"But why would he…?" She trailed off, not fully grasping the situation.
"I think that's obvious," Giles replied. At her confused look, he continued.
"You. I believe he went out seeking his soul for you. To be the man he thinks you deserve. Everything he's said, the fact that he left right after your altercation with him. That's my hypothesis anyway," he said quietly as he cleaned his glasses. Overwhelming guilt started bearing down on her then. Spike was like this because of her. Because of that stupid list Xander wrote. She should have tried harder, she should have chased him down until he listened. She didn't care about his lack of soul and now he was suffering. And how long would he be tortured by his past? It took Angel a long time to come to terms with it and even now he still wasn't quite right.
"I need to… I need to speak to him," she murmured as she stood up, shock and guilt eating her alive.
"Kat… if this is true then… the demon trials are no laughing matter. He'd have gone through unspeakable horrors to gain his soul back. Not many live to receive their soul at the end of it. As much as I don't think me and him will ever see eye to eye… I think it speaks volumes on how he feels for you that he went through this," he said softly, watching her carefully. She nodded, the lump in her throat rendering her mute. She needed to see him, to ask him. She hoped Giles was wrong. Maybe this was just some kind of magic that could be reversed so he didn't have to keep suffering like this. She couldn't face the fact he gained his soul and that he did it for her.
After grabbing some blood for him, she made her way to the school earlier than usual. She couldn't sit idly and wait with the new information weighing her down. When she walked inside of his room, he was sitting in the corner like she usually found him. His face lit up when he saw her and she felt like someone had a vice-like grip on her heart. She set the bag on the floor as she moved to sit down, watching him carefully as if the answers would be written on his face.
"Spike… did you get your soul back?" She asked hesitantly, wanting to rip off the band aid. He started laughing before his face turned sombre and he stared at her with a nod.
"They put it back. My missing piece," he said quietly. She bit down on her lower lip to stop it from wobbling.
"Why?" She asked helplessly. Maybe he did get his soul shoved back inside of him but maybe it wasn't like Giles said. Maybe it was something Spike just wanted to do. Maybe this wasn't all her fault.
"To make me a better man. A good man for her. To make me worthy," he explained simply.
She hung her head as a sob bubbled up in the back of her throat. She'd done this to him. She'd made him think he wasn't good enough. Wasn't worthy of her. She hated it.
"Missing piece doesn't fit right. I'm still a monster," he seethed as he stood up angrily.
"No you're not," she argued through her tears.
"Then why does the angel weep?!" He bellowed, making her jump and clamp a hand over her mouth. She couldn't help it, the overwhelming sadness and guilt smothering her. What had she done to him? She couldn't stop her sobs even though she tried. She jumped again when she felt hands either side of her face and opened her eyes to see Spike kneeling in front of her as his hands cradled her face.
"Why does the angel weep?" He asked softly, his face sad and confused.
"Because you're hurting," she replied brokenly. He looked even more confused at her words, his eyes softening as his thumbs swiped away her tears.
"I deserve to hurt. I'm a monster," he whispered with a frown.
"Not a monster. A man," she bit out firmly, her lashes damp from her tears. The look on his face was one of wonder.
"I'm a man?" He asked. He sounded so vulnerable, like a small boy. It only served to make the tears start all over again.
"A good man," she assured with a shaky voice.
His hands recoiled from her face quickly as he hopped back up.
"Lies! It's lies!" He screamed, moving to the wall as he started hitting it and headbutting it. Her tears only increased as her helplessness reached new heights.
"Stop! Please stop hurting yourself!" She begged through her heaving sobs. She felt unable to breathe. In a flash, he was on the floor next to her again and gathering her in his arms. She clung to him desperately as he moved her to sit on his lap straddling him.
"Don't cry. Please don't cry," he lamented desperately. She couldn't help it though. She pressed her face to his neck as she clung onto him like he might float away. This was all her fault and they couldn't even fix it. She stayed there in his lap for a moment as he held her and she wanted to pretend everything was okay. That Spike was fine and just holding her.
"I got the missin' piece. Will the angel want me now?" Spike asked after a long moment of silence. She clutched him tighter as she willed away the pain.
"She always wanted you," she murmured against his neck. She moved away to look at him, his blue eyes wide and damp. She wished she could take all of his pain and guilt and carry it herself. He'd done bad things in the past, she knew that. But he'd changed and she didn't want him tormented like this.
"But I'm a-" he started confused.
"If you say you're a monster one more time, I swear…" it came out harsher than she intended and she winced at his shocked and slightly scared face.
"You're a man. You've always been a man to me. Soul or no soul, I don't care," she said firmly. He blinked at her for a long moment before his hand reached out and cupped her face gently.
"You're radiant. You glow from the inside out," he marvelled as his eyes swept over her face. She felt her cheeks heat up as her gazed softened, her body relaxing a little. She really hated going in circles about the whole monster vs man thing.
"So do you," she countered. He chuckled a little, looking at her like she was the mad one.
"What color?" He asked curiously. She couldn't help but smile at his childlike face. It was better than a crying and angry Spike.
"Blue. Bright blue, like your eyes," she answered without hesitation. Said eyes lit up, a smile curling on his lips like she told him the best thing in the world.
"You glow gold," he murmured, his hand trailing down her cheek. She smiled and he moved his head forward and leaned it on her chest. She stroked his hair without even thinking about it.
"What does your heart beat for?" He asked quietly, his ear pressed against her chest.
"It beats for a lot of things. Buffy, Dawn, the guys and Giles… you," she said softly, vulnerability creeping in the second the words left her lips. His hands wound around her middle, his hands clutching the back of her shirt.
"If my heart could beat, it'd whisper your name," he murmured. Her heart kicked up at his words and she knew he noticed the change. How could he not?
"Are you afraid of me?" He asked warily, his hands holding her shirt tighter.
"Not in the least," she answered honestly. He moved his head back up as his eyes scanned her face. His face changed to vamp face but she remained unmoving. Unphased.
"Not even now?" He asked as he stared at her.
"Not even now," she replied, leaning in to kiss his cheek. When she pulled away, his face changed back and he was giving her that confused but wondrous look again. She wasn't sure just how long they'd have to do this dance but she'd do it forever if she had to just to help him. This was all her fault after all.