Kat's boots thumped as she jogged down the stairs to the basement of the school. It had been three whole weeks of visiting Spike in the basement and there wasn't any change. Giles had told her there wasn't anything they could do. They had to wait it out. And there was a chance he'd never go back to normal after such an ordeal. She'd announced Spike's new soul at a Scooby meeting. Buffy had been absolutely speechless for once. Willow had gone on and on about how much he must care about her, inadvertently furthering Kat's guilt. Xander actually apologized. He told her he didn't think he'd ever be able to like Spike after all he'd done, but that he must have been wrong about him when it came to their bond.
Buffy had been extra motherly lately. She'd noticed Kat's lack of sleep and how stressed she'd been so she'd been taking extra care of her. Even Dawn was being extra sweet. She yawned before she pushed open the door, frowning as her eyes swept the room. Spike wasn't there. Dread filled up her entire being as she kept looking around the small room like he might just pop out. Spike on the loose wasn't good. It wasn't that she thought he'd do something bad. Not only was he still chipped but he had a soul now. But he wasn't quite right and he was vulnerable. She hurriedly made her way out of the basement and before long she was barging into his crypt. It was the only other place she thought he could be, thinking maybe he wanted something more comforting and familiar. He wasn't there either though and nothing had been moved. Her next stop was the demon bar and after asking around, she came up empty handed. Even Clem didn't know where he was but said he'd let her know if he found out. He was just gone. As she walked home, the heavy realization weighed her down. Did he just leave again? For good this time? She was confused and if she was honest, hurt that he'd just up and leave. Not after last time.
Days went by without anything from Spike and Kat was stuck in a deep depression. What if something bad had happened to him? What if he'd been hurt or if he did something to himself? An image of a pile of dust settled in her mind and she struggled to get rid of it. The only person who knew Spike had left again was Buffy. She didn't want to tell the others, not yet. She didn't want to deal with Dawn and the witches' disappointment or have Xander be all self righteous and smug again. She just didn't get it. Had he realized it was all her fault, that she wasn't worth it? She had so many questions and no answers. Would she ever even see him again?
She was curled on the sofa, having time off work since Buffy basically told Giles she needed it. The TV was on but she wasn't paying attention, her head too busy to concentrate. Buffy would be home later since she was patrolling and Dawn was staying with Willow and Tara. She was glad for time alone to mope but she also felt lonely. The door knocked and she sighed. She really didn't feel up for visitors at the minute. Buffy had told the others she was sick to make sure they'd leave her alone. The last thing she needed was Xander and Anya showing up. As another sharp knock hit the door, she sat up, groaning as she got up and swung the door open. Spike stood on the other side, duster and all. She just stared at him for a moment, idly wondering if she'd finally gone insane.
"You gonna let me in, Kitten? Might catch a cold," he smirked. Spike was here and he was being… normal?
"I… uh… right," she muttered, completely bewildered. She moved aside to let him in and he sauntered inside, eyes drifting to the TV.
"Don't tell me you've been watchin' this tripe. Passions is way better. Your taste is slipping," he huffed playfully as he sat down heavily, boots going to rest on the coffee table. She could do little else but stare at him, not understanding what was going on.
"Spike… are we not gonna talk about it?" She asked flatly. He gave her a look and shrugged.
"Nothin' to talk about," he answered, flicking through the channels with the TV remote. She felt a spark of anger ignite in her then at his flippant attitude
"Nothing to- How about you getting a goddamn soul!" She snapped.
He pursed his lips, still not looking at her.
"Is what is it," he muttered. After the week she'd had, she really didn't appreciate his attitude now he was back.
"You didn't need to do this, Spike! You went and got your soul shoved back into you and now you turn up like nothing's changed!" She frowned. He growled as he stood up and the look he gave her made her tense up.
"Right. I went and got my soul back and here you are bein' ungrateful about it," he snarked.
"Ungrateful?" She scoffed incredulously. He chuckled mirthlessly as he shook his head.
"I did it so I could be a real man, not a monster. To be good enough for you. I shoulda known. Of course it's not enough. It'll never be enough for you. Nothin' I ever do will be good enough, will it?" He asked harshly. He didn't even give her a chance to reply before he was storming out and she was too shocked to go after him. What the hell just happened? She stood there blinking at the door for a while before her anger ramped up. She didn't even grab her coat as she stormed out of the house and made her way to his crypt. She wasn't even sure he'd be there but she'd goddamn wait if she had to.
She didn't even knock when she got there. She shoved the door open harshly. Spike was standing there taking his duster off and he looked at her in shock at her entrance.
"Kat…" he started softly.
"No! You shut up and listen for a minute!" She demanded as her emotions started swallowing her whole. His mouth snapped shut as he looked at her warily.
"I know… I know what you did to get your soul. I'm not ungrateful, I feel guilty! You did it because you thought that's what I wanted or needed but I didn't. I wanted you for you. I didn't give a shit about your soul or lack of one. I don't see you as a monster and I haven't for a long time. I'm hurt that you think so little of me. Like you think you're beneath me or something. I'm not better than you, Spike and I never thought I was. I thought you knew me better than that," she rambled, her voice cracking. She was struggling to keep herself in check.
"Kitten…" he murmured with a frown, taking a step towards her. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears and she hated the fact her lower lip trembled.
"You left. You just… left. I didn't know if you'd be coming back and you left me all alone. All for a soul you didn't even need," she lamented as a sob broke free. He hurried over to her and gathered in his arms, holding her tightly as he stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I just left. And you have nothin' to feel guilty for," he said firmly.
"You did it for me. All I've done is keep you at arms length and you went and got your soul stuffed back in your body," she mumbled into his chest.
"There's not a damn thing I wouldn't do for you. That includes gettin' all souled up so I can be a better man for you," he replied into her hair. She moved away to look at him, his blue eyes gazing down at her softly.
"You didn't need to do that. You were perfect the way you were," she whispered. His brows rose, a shocked look painting his face. His hands reached out, cradling her face softly.
She turned her brain off for once and let her heart lead her as she leaned forward, carefully catching his lips with her own. His body tensed as he moved away.
"Kat," he breathed softly.
"Shut up and kiss me," she muttered. He did exactly that. His lips crashing to hers as he kissed her fervently. One of his hands wound around to her back, pressing her body flush with hers as he deepened the kiss. His tongue massaged her own as she melted right into him. It felt good letting go like this. Like she'd finally knocked down that wall that was keeping him out. When they broke away, she was panting for air as he stared at her like he just found a rare gem.
"I want this. Us, you," she murmured, feeling exposed and vulnerable at her words. He tucked some hair behind her ear as his face softened even more
"It's the soul, isn't it?" He asked with a wry smirk.
"No. I actually realized it before but when I went to tell you, you'd already left," she replied honestly. He blinked at her for a moment, the hand on her back flexing a little.
"I don't deserve you," he frowned.
"I think you severely overestimate how amazing I am," she snorted, not wanting to get into this whole thing again.
"I remember… my time in the basement. Remember you comin' to see me. How you sang for me, comforted me. Remember it all," he admitted quietly. She lowered her head, cheeks tinging pink. She wasn't sure why she felt embarrassed by it. She mostly thought he'd forget about it or that his memories of that time would be fuzzy at best. He cupped her cheeks and made her look at him.
"I don't deserve you, and nothin' you say will ever convince me otherwise. But it doesn't mean I don't know a good thing when I got it. I want this too," he murmured, leaning in and resting his forehead on hers. Her fists clutched his shirt as she soaked in the moment. Before long his lips were on hers again. It was a huge step for them, for her. She didn't regret it though. Him leaving and her not knowing if she'd lost him forever had made her see what was important. She didn't want to waste anymore time with them, not when she never knew what was around the corner. It was time she stopped running away from her feelings.