Chapter 16: Conversations…and card games

"Are you sure you're okay, Mai?"

The copper-haired Maia sighed as he did his best to wriggle away from Ilmarë's determined embrace.

"Yes, I am. But I won't be for long if you keep trying to hug me to death. I am okay, Ilmarë. Truly. Do you really think Lord Námo would leave me alone, or let me come to Lórien by myself, if I wasn't? Do you think Olórin would not be here if I wasn't okay? You know what he is like where I'm concerned. It took me hours to convince him he didn't have to smother me to death to make it all better, that I was fine. And I am fine. Truly."

The female Chief of the Maiar did not look convinced, though she did release him from her embrace.

"I do know Olórin, rather well, actually. Though his judgement can be questionable at times, so I wouldn't believe something just because he said it or acted in a certain way. He is far too trusting and innocent, even after all these years. I don't know Lord Námo personally, so I can't say anything regarding him. All I know is what my brother told me about his time with the Doomsman. And Eönwë hasn't ever said much. But what he has said, and what I've observed, makes me think there is more to Lord Námo then what meets the eye."

Mairon nodded.

"Yes, there is. He – is unlike any other Valar I have ever met. He-he makes me feel safe, and loved, and wanted."

Both Maiar fell silent, neither knowing what to say next. Finally, Mairon broke the awkward silence.

"Ilmarë – why did Eönwë serve Námo for a time? I know it happened not long after Valinor was created, but don't understand how or why it happened. I – had left before that happened."

The Chief sighed.

"In simple terms, he did some things he shouldn't have. Eönwë – has always been impulsive, and doesn't always listen in the heat of the moment. It was worse when we were younger, and one time he took things too far. Whether he'd meant it to be or not, it was pretty serious. He was punished by being sent to Lord Námo to learn patience, obedience, and discipline."

Mairon nodded slowly.

"I won't ask what he did, but it must have been serious for him to be removed from Lord Manwë's service. It's not generally the custom of the Valar to remove us from the service of our Lord or Lady without it being our choice, is it?"

Ilmarë shook her head.

"No. In fact, Eönwë and Urunírë are the only ones it has ever happened to. In both cases, they openly defied the Valar on a level that cannot be ignored." Ilmarë smiled at Mairon's dumbfounded expression. "I did say Eönwë was impulsive. Still is. Though, he has learnt to think before he acts these days. Most of the time."

Ilmarë sighed, giving the smaller Maia a smile.

"And it is thanks to Lord Námo he is like that now. While he never talks about it, I know he doesn't regret the time spent in your lord's service. Lord Námo made quite the impression on him."

Mairon gave a small smile in return.

"He does tend to do that, whether you want him to or not. Though it took a while with me. I – wasn't exactly receptive to what he was trying to do."

Ilmarë's eyes softened.

"From what I know, you had no reason to be. Not back then. I am glad you do now."

Mairon nodded.

"I owe Námo a lot. Nienna and Irmo as well. And Vairë. I –" Mairon sighed, pausing to gather his thoughts. "I can never hope to repay them for all they've done for me. W-when I first came back, I had lost all hope. I truly just wanted to stop existing."

Ilmarë's vision was becoming suspiciously misty, but she didn't say anything while Mairon talked. She just listened carefully to every word, wondering (not for the first time) just what had happened to Mairon while he'd served Him. She knew he hadn't exactly been willing (and her memory of him dropping to his knees and cowering before her expecting to be hurt simply because she'd raised her voice would never fade), but the level of damage he was still exhibiting what something Ilmarë had never seen in anyone before.

Not even Elenfirië was like this, and the psychological damage she'd taken in one of their earliest wars against Him had left her with the mentality of a child. Calimandil, while his mind was strong, had been severely crippled to the point he would never be very strong physically. Ingamírë, Ilmarë's fellow Maia in the service of Varda and one of her close friends, still bore the marks inflicted on her from the time she'd fallen briefly into His clutches. And the list of those who'd been hurt in some way by Him, both directly and indirectly, went on and on…

"They – gave me a reason to live; made me realise maybe living isn't such a bad thing. I – I had given up, Ilmarë. They could have destroyed me without any effort at all. But – they didn't."

Mairon twisted his fingers together as he talked, keeping his gaze firmly on the ground. When he said no more, Ilmarë spoke carefully, but with utter conviction and faith.

"The Valar aren't in the habit of destroying someone for no reason."

Mairon laughed brokenly.

"They had plenty of reasons to destroy me. I will never understand why they didn't, but I am grateful for the mercy. I never realised before that life didn't need to be full of pain and suffering. It – was all I'd known since not long after we left the Timeless Halls."

Mairon sighed, lifting his head to focus on the Maia sitting next to him.

"I am sorry to burden you with all this. I don't know what came over me. These are my problems, not yours. You shouldn't have to carry my burdens."

Ilmarë hugged him hard when she heard that, placing a gentle kiss on his head before speaking. She was secretly pleased when he cuddled into her, laying his head on her chest and letting her just hold him.

This is what she was made to do after all. Lead and guide the other Maiar. It was why Atar had created her and Eönwë first. They had a very specific, and important, job to do in Eä.

"I am your chief, Mai; it is my job to hear these things. Believe me, I know more people's dark secrets then you could believe. Eönwë does as well, yet you will never catch either of us saying anything about what we are told, even to each other. Atar created us first for a reason;: so we would be able to help those of you whom came later in his thoughts."

Mairon did not move.

"Really? I didn't know that. I though the Valar appointed you to be our Chiefs?"

Ilmarë shook her head.

"No. Atar did, before any of you guys came along. As for our Lord and Lady…they did appoint as to be their chiefs. And Eönwë had the role of Lord Herald bestowed upon him by Lord Manwë. Those roles are additions to our primary ones, however."

"Our primary ones are to look after and lead the rest of you Maiar. Don't ever feel you can't come to me if you ever need to talk, please Mai. Or you can go to Eönwë. Both of us are always ready to listen."

Mairon sighed, absently running a finger over one of Ilmarë's jewel-encrusted bangles.

"I will keep that in mind. Your bangles are pretty. Where did you get them from?"

Ilmarë smiled as she looked down at her wrist.

"From many different places. Some I brought from elven craftspeople, some were made for me by Aulë's Maiar, still others were given to me for different reasons. This one here," Ilmarë pointed to a beautifully decorated silver one, "was a present from Ingwë and his family. And this one," she pointed out a gold one with embedded diamond flecks, "was a gift from Eönwë. He commissioned Urunírë to make it. You like jewellery then?"

Mairon nodded.

"Yes, I used to enjoy the challenge of making pretty and delicate things."

Ilmarë's eyes grew sad.

"You can still do that now, if you wanted to. I know Lord Aulë would love to have you back in the forges, even if it is only short-term."

The younger Maia sighed.

"I know. I just don't feel the drive to craft things right now. I have been in the forge exactly once since I returned, and feel no inclination to go back anytime soon. Though I do want to make something for Námo. I have a few ideas sketched out. Lady Vairë has been helping me. I would like to make something for her as well, but don't know what.

Ilmarë frowned thoughtfully.

"I'm not the best person to ask there. Eärwá is. She knows her lady better than almost anyone else. Quentalë does as well, but I somehow don't feel he will be very helpful in the jewellery making department."

Mairon's lips twitched.

"Probably not. I like him, a lot, but jewellery is not his area of speciality. Maybe I could ask Urunírë for help in ideas. He understands a little bit about jewellery making…"

"I understand Finrod paid you a visit the other day?" Manwë looked at Námo with a raised eyebrow. "I must say, I'm surprised it took him as long as it did to confront you. How did that go?"

Námo's tone gave nothing away.

"Surprisingly well, actually."

Vairë rolled her eyes, while Irmo tried and failed to stifle a giggle. Both of them knew what had really gone down with Finrod (Irmo due to the fact the elf in question was currently spending some time in the solidarity of his Gardens, and Vairë because Námo did not keep anything a secret from her unless he had a very good reason to) and found Námo's dry tone to be very amusing.

Glancing at Irmo (who was still giggling like a maniac), Manwë put on his best no-nonsense look before turning to Námo.

"Obviously, there is more to it then you are saying. Care to share what Irmo finds so funny?"

Námo raised an eyebrow.

"How would I know what he finds funny? According to him, I don't have a sense of humour. I –"

Nienna, whom was sitting next to him, suddenly leant over and punched him in the arm. Námo abruptly stopped talking, instead looking at her with boggled eyes.

"What in Arda was that for?"

Nienna looked smug.

"To get you to shut up. I know you are happy with things right now, but please answer the question."

Manwë looked between the siblings with an unreadable expression.

"You know what happened? I would dearly love to know why Finrod is in self-imposed seclusion in Lórien."

Nienna shook her head.

"I don't know the answer to that, but can hazard a pretty good guess. We'll see if I'm right in a moment. Námo. Talk."

Giving his sister an annoyed look for spoiling his fun, Námo relented and told the other Valar about what had gone down between Finrod and Mairon. When he finished, they were silent for a time. Tulkas spoke first.

"Well."

He then fell silent, not knowing what else to say. Estë spoke up next.

"So Mairon is okay after all that? It didn't upset him too much?"

Námo shook his head.

"No. The only thing he was upset by was Finrod's reaction. He thought he'd done something wrong to cause it." Námo sighed heavily. "His habit of blaming anything remotely bad that happens, or he views as being bad, on himself is wearying. Morgoth really did a number on his self-esteem and self-worth. And, despite how well he's going, he is still severely lacking both."

Vairë spoke softly, laying her hand on Námo's arm. She was sitting on his other side.

"But we will fix that, my dear. When we feel despondent, just think back on how far he's come already."

Námo subconsciously placed his own hand over hers, squeezing it as he looked into her eyes.

"You are right, dear one. He has come a long way. However, things like this serve to remind me how far he still has to go. I – don't want him to be hurt again, in any way." Námo sighed, turning to look at Manwë, though he kept his hand entwined with Vairë's. "Which brings us to what we are here to discuss. Nehtartúra and co."

Oromë winced.

"I still can't believe one of my own would do something like this. I am very sorry for it all, Námo."

It was Manwë whom shook his head.

"The only person to blame here is Nehtartúra. He is the only one guilty for his actions. You are not, Oromë. Now, if Námo is finished –", The Doomsman nodded as Manwë caught his eye. "we can get down to the reason I called this meeting. Which is – what on earth are we supposed to do with Nehtartúra, and those he coerced into helping him?"

It was almost dark when Námo and Vairë made it back to Mandos. Far too late to start doing anything productive. Despite the fact the Valar did not sleep nor need much rest to function (and mostly did it out of habit), those in their service did. While they could run on much less rest then the Children, the Maiar still needed down-time in which to sleep and/or rest. While the fëar required round-the-clock supervision (night-and-day not existing in their part of the Halls), it was always done in shifts so everyone got plenty of time off.

The Maia whom were currently off-duty had mostly already settled down for the night. Though many were still up, they were all relaxing doing their own things. As soon as they arrived, Vairë went off to check everything was in order in her workshops, while Námo went to the inner garden to check up on his Maiar. A group of them were sitting in a circle on Vairë's cushions, playing a card game. Lómindil was just dealing out the cards when the Vala walked in, and looked up at his lord with a smile.

"My lord! Just in time. Would you like to play with us? I can deal you in."

Námo smiled at them as Mairon jumped up and ran over to throw his arms around the Vala. Hugging the small Maia back as best he could from this angle, Námo nodded.

"I would like that. What are we playing?"

Lómindil grinned.

"King and Peasant. I'm the Peasant for this round, hence the dealing. I lost the last round really bad. Alassë is the King for the second round running. She is WAY too good at this."

The grey-eyed Maia gave the blonde female a mock-glare. Alassë gave him a smile that was all teeth, before sticking her tongue out at him.

"I can't help it that the rest of you are hopeless. The only one whom came close to beating me last round was Mairon."

Mairon grinned as he plonked down on his spot on the cushions, resting his back against Námo, whom also sat down.

"I would have won as well, if you hadn't pulled the jester card. I hate that card."

Marilwë, whom was sitting on Mairon's other side, laughed.

"That's because you lost three games straight to that card. For only being two of them in a deck, they sure cause a shit-load of trouble. Reminds me of certain fëar, to be honest."

Mairon shrugged, arranging himself so his back was resting comfortably against Námo's side.

"Doesn't change the fact I hate them. Are these cards mine?"

The shenanigans of the previous round were quickly forgotten as everyone focussed on the current game. Through sheer force of will alone it seemed, Lómindil managed to win it, though he came second last in the following round. At some point during their games Elenfirië, who'd been quietly playing nearby with the stuffed dolls Eärwá had made for her, crawled into Námo's lap and went to sleep. By the time they'd played several more games, several others were yawning and looked ready to drift off. As they finished the last game with Námo coming second last and Mairon being first (the Maia was remarkably good at this game, and grinned happily at finally beating Alassë, whom was third) the Vala looked around at them.

"I am going to turn in now. Mairon, where do you want to sleep tonight?"

The Maia gave a sudden yawn before answering.

"With you. It that is okay, my lord?"

"Of course it is." Námo smiled at Mairon before looking down at the top of Elenfirië's head. The child-sized Maia did not stir, not even when the Vala made to get up. "Though I think we may have more company tonight."

Mairon smiled back as he too, stood.

"Does this happen often?"

Námo gently herded Mairon ahead of him as they headed for his and Vairë's bedchamber. Marta, who'd been sleeping curled up between Marilwë and Mairon the whole time, padded silently along next to him.

"Not frequently, but it has happened before. I don't mind. Neither does Vairë. We love having our children with us, and do whatever we must to ensure you are happy. Our bed's plenty big enough for four of us."

"Five. Don't forget Marta."

Námo sighed.

"Five then. I don't know how I forgot her, especially seeing her favourite sleeping spot is on my face."

"She likes you."

Námo looked down at the cat trotting along next to them. Her tail was stuck straight up in the air as she walked with purpose. Probably already planning which part of his face to use as a pillow tonight, the Vala felt.

"If you say so. Come on, let's get you lot to bed. Morning will be here soon enough."