Buffy was stressed. She was more than stressed. There needed to be a new word for how she felt because stressed didn't even cover it. Kat still hadn't woken up and the doctors told them there was a chance she never would. If she did, she'd probably have brain damage. Her internal injuries were bad and the doctors told her Kat's chances weren't very high. She couldn't lose someone else. She didn't think she'd be able to deal with it. She had no idea how Kat and Dawn had managed when she was gone herself. Sacrificing herself so Dawn could live was the only option in her mind at the time. But she hadn't really thought about what would happen to them when she was gone. The grief they'd have to go through once again. Kat dying wasn't an option. Buffy wasn't going to let it happen. Kat was the sarcastic weird glue that held the group together, not that she'd ever think that of herself. She'd vowed to herself after her mom died that she'd never let anything happen to Kat and Dawn. She'd save their lives no matter the cost.
Luck wasn't on their side with how bad Kat was. She felt like she was just practically waiting for her to die. She hated it. She hated feeling so helpless. But there was one thing they could do. Something she'd already brought up to Spike. He'd refused and Buffy had been a little shocked. She figured he'd jump at the chance to do something to keep her around but he'd given her a firm no. She wouldn't lie, the fact he was being so selfless about the whole thing, not turning Kat because she wasn't consenting to it, she did respect it. But it didn't help her with her goal of keeping Kat alive so she wasn't happy with it. Despite his refusal, she knew she could get him to cave. Or at the very least, if something happened to Kat when he was there, she had a feeling he might end up turning her out of fear at the last minute.
She couldn't have Kat come back without a soul, of course. Then she'd have to stake her and she wasn't sure she'd be able to do it. She had Willow and Tara working hard to come up with something that would help her keep her soul. It wasn't wrong. Sure she'd be a vampire but she'd have her soul. She'd still be her. Buffy was sure Kat would thank her for it in the end. Everyone knew about her plan except for Giles. No matter how much Giles loved Kat like a daughter, she knew he'd never agree to such a thing. Soul included. So they'd kept him in the dark as the witches worked tirelessly. Everyone else was on board. She'd had to talk Xander into it as he was a little unsure. But once she reassured him she'd have a soul, he was fine with the plan. Dawn wasn't supposed to know but she'd overheard them all talking. She was the biggest supporter of the plan and Buffy felt the weight of not letting her down crush her. She didn't want Dawn to have to grieve yet again. She'd already been through so much.
She hurried to the magick shop after a phone call from Willow. They'd found something that could work and Buffy wasn't about to waste time Kat didn't have. She'd been on her way to the hospital. Spike would already be there, he was always there. No one really knew how to handle him lately. He was either intensely withdrawn or incredibly angry. She didn't blame him though. Losing Kat would kill her, she was family. But she was Spike's soulmate. She felt for him. She had no idea the pain he'd go through if Kat died. Just another reason why him turning her would be a good thing.
"What have you got?" She asked hurriedly as she burst through the door. Willow looked up from her book and gave her a wary smile, handing her a bracelet. Buffy took it, examining it in her hands. It was nothing fancy. Just a simple silver bracelet.
"It's charmed. We-We found a spell and if she wears it then she should keep her soul," Willow explained softly, looking worn out. Buffy smiled as her body sagged in relief.
"This is great guys, thank you," she breathed as she looked at the two witches.
"It's uh… We can't be sure it'll work 100%. You know how magick is… She still might come back… not herself," Willow murmured with a frown. Buffy pursed her lips as she glanced back down to the bracelet. Okay, so maybe it wasn't a completely sure thing, but it was better than nothing. It was more of a chance than she had right now.
"It's fine, it's better than nothing," she replied, giving them a meaningful look. Everyone had been suffering with Kat in the state she was in the hospital. It was hurting them all.
After leaving the magick shop, she quickly made her way to the hospital. When she got there, Spike surprisingly wasn't in the room but she made quick work of putting the bracelet around Kat's wrist. She wasn't taking any chances if things were as bad as the doctors were saying. She sat in the chair next to the bed and took Kat's hand carefully as she heaved a sigh. Honestly, she hoped she wouldn't have to use the bracelet. She hoped Kat would wake up and be perfectly fine. But she knew it wouldn't happen like that. She'd grown cynical after all she'd been through. She looked up as Spike walked in the room. He gave her the same awkward look he always did as he moved to Kat's other side and took the other chair.
"Where were you?" She asked curiously. It was rare to see him not beside Kat. He licked his lower lip as he sunk further into his chair, only giving her a passing glance.
"Had to nip out. Find somethin' to eat," he murmured. She nodded. It was still icky he drank blood but it didn't skeeve her out so much anymore. She'd grown used to it with him being around so much and also from her time with Angel. That was another person she hadn't told her plan to, knowing his holier than thou attitude would tell her not to do it. She didn't need him getting involved and messing things up and if she was honest, she didn't want him to be disappointed in her. She still loved him. She always would. But after he helped with the Ethros thing, she started to feel like maybe someday soon they'd have a real chance together.
Spike felt uncomfortable as he sat there occasionally feeling the Slayer's eyes on him. Her words from a few days ago wouldn't leave his mind and it left a sour taste in his mouth.
"The reason I won't turn her is 'cause I do care. It's her choice to make and she's in no condition to do it. I won't do that to her, not when I know she wouldn't want it," he blurted. He couldn't help it. The words had been on the tip of his tongue for days and he just needed to get it out there. Her insinuation that Spike didn't love Kat was offensive and downright ridiculous. He chanced a look at her and she was staring right at him. After a moment, a sigh blew past her lips.
"I know you care. It wasn't fair of me to say that to you. I just… I can't lose her. I can't," she frowned. Spike gave her a sympathetic look. He knew that pain. Sitting here just watching Kat waste away like this was killing him. He hadn't really come to terms with the impending grief that would be coming his way. He knew it logically. Knew the girl was too far gone to bring back. But his brain just couldn't accept what was coming. He wouldn't be able to face it until it was staring at him in the bloody face.
"I can't even imagine what you're going through. Honestly, I think you have it worse than any of us," she murmured after a moment.
"What'd you mean?" He asked with a raised brow. Of course he thought his own grief would be worse than the others given the nature of his relationship, but he'd hardly expected the Slayer to agree with him. Being family and all. She gave him a sad look. Her eyes all large and pitiful.
"I just mean… you're her soulmate. I can't imagine how alone you're gonna feel when she…" she trailed off and Spike felt a pang deep in his chest and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"And then there's the 'what if' you have to live with after. Which is forever for you. I don't want you to regret not turning her and having that linger over you. Kat wouldn't want that," she sighed. Spike glanced to his girl, all pale and motionless with that damn tube shoved down her throat. His lower lip quivered at the very notion of her not being around anymore. Not waking up to her snuggled into his side. Not seeing her pretty pink cheeks when he complimented her or gave her a lewd remark. Not hearing her beautiful laugh that always made him feel like his heart had started beating again. He would live with the what ifs. He knew he would. He'd always wonder what it would have been like if he'd just turned her. He felt the temptation gnawing at him. To keep her by his side for all of eternity. It was his version of heaven. But he had to remind himself that it wasn't hers. There was more to a vampire than not having a soul. Things Kat would miss. It was a big deal and he wouldn't turn her unless she asked him to. And she couldn't. She couldn't ask, couldn't tell him how she felt about the matter. So this was it. Nothing but pain, misery and overwhelming grief in his future.
"I… I know you said no. And I get it. But just in case you changed your mind, Willow and Tara did a spell," Buffy spoke up, wrenching him from his depressing thoughts. He glanced over to see her fingering a silver bracelet on Kats wrist and he wasn't sure how to feel about it.
"They charmed this. If she gets turned, she'll keep her soul," she said firmly as she looked at him.
"And it'll work?" he asked quietly. The temptation still there in the back of his mind at the news. The more he thought about his future alone without Kat, the more tempted he was to give into Buffy's demands.
"100%," she nodded. He nibbled on his lower lip, taking Kat's hand in his own. Could he do that to her? It was selfish, fueled simply by his pain of potentially losing her. Would she want it? They'd never had the talk about it so he didn't know. He felt torn in two, knowing the noble thing to do yet knowing Buffy was right with all she'd said. A shrill constant beep filled the air and both he and Buffy jumped out of their chairs. No. No, no, no.
"She's flatlining!" Buffy panicked, looking at him with wide eyes. He was as still as a statue, the bloody noise burning into his brain as he stared at Kat heartbroken.
"Spike, please! Do something! She wouldn't want this!" Buffy pleaded tearfully. He could hear the doctors and nurses in the hallways as they rushed to the room and everything felt chaotic in his head. This wasn't the kind of thing you decide in a split second and his brain felt like it was ready to implode in on itself. He growled, quickly biting his wrist and holding it over Kat's mouth beside the tube. A good few drops went in her mouth just as the door burst open and he quickly moved his arm away.
Both he and Buffy were ushered out of the room as the staff tried to save Kat. Spike felt a lot of things. So much in fact that he couldn't tell what was what. He'd actually done it. He'd gone and bloody given her his blood, just like Dru had said. He prayed to a God he knew didn't exist that the doctors could save her. That she wouldn't die and be turned. It wasn't that he didn't want her here. Of course he did. But he knew in his heart it was wrong and the idea of hurting her in any way caused him pain. Damn Buffy getting in his head, making him panic. He paced outside of the room as Buffy stood there anxiously, biting her fingernails. The door finally opened and Spike knew before he opened his mouth.
"I'm so sorry… She didn't make it," the doctor frowned sympathetically. Spike stumbled back until he hit the wall, shock and fear and a whole host of things gripping him tightly. God, he'd gone and turned her. He'd bloody done it.
Buffy listened as the doctor spoke and she tried to wrap her head around her plan being put into action. Now it was in full swing, she felt nervous. Spike was leaning against the wall looking like he was in shock and she couldn't look at him.
"We can arrange for the undertakers-" the doctor started softly.
"No need. We uh… we can transport her ourselves. We have a… a wake. At the house. The family comes to see her. I know it's a little weird but… it's tradition," she lied, giving the doctor a smile as he looked at her quizzically.
"Sure," he nodded, giving her another weird look before he went off to fetch the paperwork. It was the best she could come up with. She hadn't really thought of this part. They'd need Kat at home where she was safe when she woke up. It would be scary and disorientating and she'd be hungry. But at least she'd have her soul. Maybe. Now faced with the reality, she felt her stomach twist in knots. If the bracelet didn't work, she'd have to kill her. She knew she couldn't do it. Couldn't look her cousin in the eye as she murdered her even if she didn't have a soul. Would she let Spike take her somewhere? Somewhere where she couldn't hurt people? What would she tell Dawn? Maybe she didn't think her plan through after all.