A/N: This is a pretty long one, just to warn you loool
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Spike sat in the armchair, his eyes glued to the dead body of his lover who was lying on the floor amidst a pile of blankets and pillows. No heartbeat, nothing. He didn't know how to feel about it. Part of him was relieved she'd rise again. Life would be unbearable without her. But there was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind that told him things wouldn't be smooth sailing. Everyone was hovering around as they waited tensely. Rising times could vary with vampires and they'd all been waiting through the day and now the night. Nibblet was sitting on the couch. Girl could barely keep still with her restless energy and Spike was getting annoyed with it. He'd been annoyed to find out they'd all been in on the plan. He'd been nothing but a mere pawn in Buffy's game. A puppet with her pulling the sodding strings. She'd gotten what she wanted though, hadn't she? He felt used. Now all he could do was wait for Kat to rise and hope she wouldn't hate him for it.
Dawn got up for the billionth time and moved to adjust Kat's head on the pillow. She seemed like she didn't know what to do with herself.
"Dawnie… Maybe you should move away a little. We don't know if the bracelet will work yet until she wakes up," Willow murmured with a frown. Spike's head whipped up to look at the witch who was huddled in the corner with her girl, the whelp and Anya.
"What?" He asked flatly. Willow's brows furrowed deeper as she gave him a confused look.
"You know… the bracelet? It's not a sure thing, until she wakes we won't know what she'll do," she explained.
"What happened to it being 100%?" He asked in a growl, his back straightening as he glared at her. Willow looked at Buffy then looking bewildered.
"I feel like we were really specific that this might not work," she muttered.
"It doesn't matter," Buffy huffed dismissively, making Spike jump from his chair as pure rage flooded his body.
"It bloody well does! You told me it would work! You bloody told me!" He yelled, pointing an accusing finger as panic welled inside of him. If any of these bastards thought they could lay a hand on Kat, even without a soul, they had another thing coming. He'd prefer her to wake up with her soul. She'd fully be herself then. Or mostly, as close as she could be. Without her soul she could be a completely different person, just like Angel was when he turned unto Angelus. For all he knew, soulless Kat didn't love him at all.
"You didn't tell him?" Willow asked accusingly and Buffy gave her a glare.
"It doesn't matter," she ground out again with finality before turning to face a glowering Spike.
"It's gonna work. And if it doesn't… we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But it will. It has to," she muttered tensely as her eyes drifted down to Kat. Spike felt his disdain for the Slayer come back with a vengeance. Not only had she manipulated him into getting what she wanted, but she'd lied to him too. Here he was, thinking the worst case scenario would be Kat hating him for turning her. And all along it was a very real possibility she'd come back wrong. Without a soul. Memories of his mother creeped in and he quickly pushed them away. She couldn't come back wrong.
"Go sit with the others," Spike said harshly as he gave Dawn a firm look. He wasn't taking any chances. Even if she did come back with a soul, she'd be hungry. They had pigs blood ready to go. It'd be easier for her that way, never knowing what human blood tasted like. He'd need to help her control her bloodlust. If she did have her soul, which he damn well hoped she would, it would be the only thing stopping her ripping the throats out of the idiots huddled on the other side of the room. Dawn scurried over to them but Buffy didn't move from where she stood pacing near Kat. Spike wasn't sure he'd care too much if Kat did rip her throat out.
"Stop looking at me like that," Buffy scoffed at the others who didn't seem very impressed with her either.
"It's just a little crappy, Buff. He had a right to know," Xander murmured awkwardly. He'd hardly expected the whelp to jump to his defense. Buffy huffed, rolling her eyes a little.
"I didn't tell him because-" she started, getting cut off by a still angry but now sitting Spike.
"'Cause you knew I'd say no. I'd already told you I wouldn't do it and you knew if I knew there was even a small chance she'd come back wrong I wouldn't do it," he ground out.
"Wait? You said you wouldn't do it? You told us Spike was on board!" Anya frowned, her voice growing shrill. Well well, he wasn't the only one Slayer lied to, it seemed.
"I've already said, it doesn't matter! What's done is done!" Buffy protested defensively.
"It does matter, Buffy. You've lied to all of us. Me and Tara only did the spell because you told us everyone was okay with it," Willow frowned, looking a little hurt.
"If Spike was so against turning her, I gotta say, I'm not feeling so comfortable about all this. I mean… if she comes back soulless, then what?" Xander asked incredulously.
"Then I take her far away and you lot leave her well enough alone," Spike bit out hotly. No matter what version of herself she ended up being, no one was taking her away from him. Ever. He'd burn the whole world to cinders before he let that happen. Everything seemed to descend into chaos as everyone started arguing among each other. Buffy had a lot to answer for.
Kat peeked around the corner as she tried to figure out what she should do. She found herself alone in the school as Spike and some vampires terrorized everyone. Buffy was off somewhere and somehow she wound up all on her own and she was terrified. She didn't even have a stake on her. If she could just get to the door… It wasn't like she'd be much use here without a weapon and maybe she could go and get help or something.
"And what do we have here?" The British lilt from behind her had her back snapping straight, the hairs on the back of her neck prickling up. Shit. She didn't look back at the bleached vampire and took off running quickly. It wasn't quick enough though as he gripped the back of her neck and pulled her into an empty classroom. She almost fell when he let go of her, kicking the door shut with his boot as he gave her a predatory grin.
She stumbled backwards and squeaked when her back hit the wall, watching helplessly as he advanced on her like a lion with its prey.
"It must be my lucky day," he smirked. She whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut when he was right in front of her, his hand darting out and gripping her jaw tightly.
"Cat got your tongue, pretty girl?" He chuckled. Her eyes fluttered open, finding him uncomfortably close to her, his body practically caging her in.
"Buffy's gonna kill you," she muttered. She didn't sound so threatening when her voice shook like that though. His smirk widened and he looked amused.
"Maybe. But maybe I'll kill you first," his eyes gleamed wickedly and she swallowed thickly. Her heart was beating so fast she was scared it would beat right out of her chest.
He tilted her face up more so all she could do was stare into his endless blue eyes.
"I'll turn you and watch as the poor little Slayer has to ram a stake through your chest," he continued slowly. She felt like she couldn't breathe.
"Or maybe I'll turn you and keep you for myself," he purred with a menacing smile. She pushed against his chest but he didn't budge an inch. Only chuckled as he buried his face in her neck and alarm bells were screaming in her head. His nose brushed along her neck until he got to her ear.
"Think I like the last option the best," he murmured sinfully. She hated what a treacherous bitch her body was being when she blushed despite the dire circumstances she found herself in. She jumped with a gasp as the door flew open. But instead of her savior in the form of Buffy Summers, it was another vampire. Spike growled in annoyance as he gave the newcomer a dirty look.
"Can't you see I'm busy?" He drawled exasperatedly. The new vampire looked a little nervous as he shifted on his feet. She shrank further into the wall when his eyes landed on her and Spike let out another, yet louder, growl. The man heeded the warning as his eyes snapped back to Spike.
"The Slayer… we've got her cornered," the vampire muttered sheepishly. A jolt of fear ran through Kat until she remembered how good Buffy was. She was sure any vampires cornering her cousin would be dead by the time Spike got there.
"I'll be right there," Spike grinned. Kat watched the other vampire leave and wondered what Spike was going to do with her.
"Guess we're taking a rain check," he smirked at her, finally stepping back and allowing her to breathe. At least he didn't just kill or turn her before he ran off to find Buffy. She didn't move an inch as he made his way over to the door. She didn't want him to change his mind.
"See you soon, pretty girl," his voice held promise in his tone as he gave her a look that told her he meant it. She felt a chill go down her spine and her body sagged as he left the room. She really hoped she didn't see him again at all.
"Let me go!" Kat growled as she wriggled in Angelus' grasp. He only laughed at her futile attempts. He was too strong and they both knew it. Both her hands were held behind her back by one of his hands and his other hand was around her throat.
"Nah, I don't think so," he smirked, dragging her up the path to a large house.
"Buffy's gonna stake the shit out of you and I'm gonna watch," she seethed. She didn't want him to know just how scared she was, although she was sure he could smell it on her or hear how fast her heart was beating. She struggled to no avail as he pulled her into the house, calling him as many colorful names as she could think of. They were all stupid to think Angel was safe. He wasn't safe at all. Not now he'd lost his soul. Damn Buffy for banging him.
"What the bloody hell is goin' on out here?" Spike's voice carried through the foyer before he came into view in his wheelchair. He stopped dead, his eyes going to her and then Angelus who was still tightly holding on to her.
"William! I'd ask you if you wanted to join in the fun, but you're a little… incapable right now," Angelus laughed cruelly. She didn't miss how Spike's face hardened.
"Is there a reason why you've brought the Slayer's cousin here?" He asked, disdain coating his every word.
"To kill her, duh. Figured I'd have some fun first though," he grinned. He leaned right down to her ear as he pressed himself against her ass and she tried to move away from him but failed.
"I really wanna hear this one scream," he whispered darkly, making her panic more.
"Great. Before you do that, Dru wants you a mo. I'll watch the girl," Spike huffed. Angelus looked at him before a mocking laugh left his lips. Then she was free from his grasp.
"Don't let her get away. She might get the jump on you in your condition," he teased. Kat stood still as Angelus walked to Spike, clapping him on the shoulder harshly before he disappeared behind a large wooden door.
The second the door shut, Spike wheeled over to her and his face was unreadable.
"Come on," he growled, gripping one of her wrists as he used one hand to wheel himself to the door.
"What are you doing?" She asked frantically, unsure of where he was taking her or what he would do.
"Shut up!" He hissed at her, making her mouth clamp shut. He glanced to the door that Angelus left through before back at her. He opened his mouth to speak but then the sound of Dru's delighted moans of ecstasy seemed to echo throughout the whole house.
"Aren't you and Dru…?" She trailed off confused as she glanced down at him.
"Yeah," he muttered, face like thunder. With that, he was pulling her along again until they were outside. He let her go and she watched him completely bewildered as he stood from the wheelchair, dumping it behind a bush. She definitely needed to let Buffy know about that one. If she made it that was. He came back over and once again gripped her wrist. It was so tight she winced as he dragged her down the path.
"Where are we going?" She asked worriedly, almost falling over with how fast he was pulling her.
"You're going home," he muttered.
"What?" She asked baffled, feeling like she had no clue what was going on. He stopped and she almost fell over again, looking at him as he rolled his eyes and gave her an unimpressed look.
"I'm taking you home," he explained slowly as if she were a child.
"I got that part… but why are you helping me?" She frowned, feeling unsure. Maybe it was a ruse. Some kind of sick prank before he handed her back to Angelus. He grabbed her again, this time her hand, and pulled her along as they quickly walked down the street.
"You're mine, that's why," he growled, his hand tightening uncomfortably around hers.
"I'm… what?" She squeaked.
"Mine. You belong to me," once again he spoke like she was a child and she felt defensiveness flare up.
"I don't belong to anyone," she huffed, still being pulled along.
"Keep tellin' yourself that, pretty girl. But the only one killin' you will be me. Right before I turn you," he spoke so matter of factly and she felt her heart pick up a little. She tried to tell herself it wouldn't ever happen. She'd just be grateful he'd gotten her away from Angelus.
She stayed silent for the rest of the way until he stopped just a few houses down from hers.
"What, you're not gonna walk me to the door?" She scoffed jokingly, feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
"Don't really feel like getting jabbed with a pointy stick, so this'll do," he shrugged.
"What's Angelus gonna do when he finds out I'm gone?" She asked, concerned.
"Be pissed off. He'll get over it. Though maybe don't try and get snatched again. Only so many times I can save you," he huffed, as if she'd offended him by getting kidnapped.
"Right … Well, thanks I guess. This has been… unpleasant," she muttered.
"Off you go, then," he said firmly. She didn't like the way he was talking to her but he was a vampire who was capable of killing her and he did technically just save her. She just gave him another awkward look before she hurried off home. When she got to the door, she glanced back only to see he was gone. She blew out a breath before she pushed the door open.
"Buff!" She called out. She had a lot to fill her in on.
Kat hurried through the cemetery. She knew it was a risky shortcut home but she had a stake in her pocket and she wasn't afraid to use it. It was dark and a little cold and she just wanted to get home. Home was weird now Buffy was at college and living at the dorms with Willow. It made Kat feel a little out of the loop if she was honest. But it wasn't like any college would take a high school drop out. Nor did she have any desire to go to college to begin with. She wasn't watching where she was going, trying to get home as quickly as possible. Maybe she'd have a hot bubble bath when she got there. It sounded appealing. Suddenly, someone barged right into her and she almost toppled to the floor.
"Watch where you're bloody going!" The person growled angrily.
She stood dead still, eyes wide as she quickly looked behind her. She thought he'd left Sunnydale. This wasn't good. He blinked at her for a moment as he recognised her and then he looked annoyed.
"Great. Just what I bloody need. Is this just to rub it in my face?!" He yelled, looking up at the sky. Her eyes glanced upwards uncomfortably, feeling like the words weren't really meant for her. Her eyes drifted back to him then and she noticed how stressed he looked. He heaved a sigh, moving to slump into a fallen tree as he ran a hand through his hair and made it unruly. She took a step back, wondering how he'd react if she just bolted. She had her stake but if it wasn't just some fledgling vampire she wasn't much good. She didn't think she could defend herself against someone like Spike.
"Why is this happening to me?" He lamented. She thought he was talking to himself again but then his eyes landed on her expectantly.
"Because you're a bad person?" She supplied, having no clue of what he was referring to.
His face lit up a little then and her brows furrowed in confusion.
"You really think so?" He asked hopefully. She rolled her eyes with a huff.
"I really don't have time for… whatever the hell this is. So… bye," she muttered. She was about to turn on her heel when he jumped up and she grabbed her stake from her pocket, holding it defensively. He smacked it out of her hand with ease and she watched it clatter way out of reach forlornly. Great. She was ridiculous.
"I just wanna go home and take a bath," she whined under her breath. She really didn't want to have to deal with this.
"I can join you, if you want," he smirked leeringly at her. She shot him a dirty look but he didn't seem bothered in the least. He took her hand and she tensed up, wondering how she was getting out of this one. Suddenly, he twirled her around as if they were dancing and then tugged her to him. She gasped, her hands splaying on his chest as she fell towards him.
"You've always been my favorite, you know that?" He murmured, a hand winding around her back as the other brushed her hair from her neck. He leaned in, lips brushing the sensitive skin on her neck and fear gripped her tightly. This was it, wasn't it? He'd always said he would turn her and now he'd come back to do just that.
That's not what happened though. She felt his arm tighten around her and she braced herself. But instead of pain, she felt nothing. Spike cried out in pain, stumbling away from her clutching his head. She blinked warily at him as she quickly took a few steps back. She knew better than to run from a predator this time.
"Oh, come on! Not even a little snack?!" He yelled, kicking a headstone so hard it broke and went flying.
"I just want to eat, goddammit! What kind of torture is this? Not bein' able to feed off humans?! It's barbaric!" He ranted as he paced like a deranged man.
"Wait? You can't feed off humans?" She asked slowly.
"What I bloody said, ain't it?" He muttered scathingly. The laughter bubbled from her lips before she had the chance and he stopped his pacing, his jaw slack as he looked at her incredulously.
"Are you… laughing at me?" He scoffed.
"I'm sorry, it's just… this is great. I don't know what happened but this is the best news I've had in a while," she admitted, biting her lip to try and stifle her grin. Maybe she got too much of a kick out of it, but she didn't care.
"Right. That's it, laugh at poor Spike. Vampire's been bloody declawed, laugh it up!" He muttered in offense.
"Do you really expect me to feel sorry for you about this? That you can't go out and murder people?" She asked with a snort.
"Well… yeah," he said simply. She rolled her eyes at him. He was a lot less scary now he couldn't hurt people.
"I'm going home. Have fun not killing people," she scoffed, turning her back and making her way through the cemetery. She heard him in the distance. It sounded like he was trashing the place in a fit of rage. She couldn't wait to tell Buffy about this.
Kat sniffled, wiping her eyes with her jacket. She was sitting on the curb outside the house just wallowing in her misery and fear. The hair on the back of her neck prickled up and she lowered her head with a sigh.
"I'm really not in the mood for your bullshit right now, Spike," she muttered weakly.
"What's wrong?" He asked softly. She glanced up at him then and he was just standing there, hands in his pockets as he frowned down at her. Her throat constricted as more tears burned her eyes and she looked away quickly.
"Like you care," she whispered, angrily wiping her eyes again. She was hoping he'd walk away, yet instead he sat next to her. A weird silence settled over them then and she was surprised he wasn't being a dick. Since he'd started being more of a part of their group, he'd gotten more and more unbearable.
"If you wanna talk about it…" he offered. If she wasn't so stressed and upset, she'd be weirded out over it. She didn't want to tell him anything, yet her mouth opened anyway.
"Joyce might be sick. They found something on the scan and she has to go in for tests," she murmured sadly. He was silent for a moment. The only noise was the leather of his jacket as he shifted where he sat.
"I'm sure she'll be fine. She's a strong woman," he replied quietly.
"Right. Or she'll wind up dead like everyone else I care about," she scoffed brokenly. She felt his eyes burning into her and when she looked at him, he was staring right at her. He had a weird look on his face she couldn't really figure out and she was sure he'd never given it to her before.
"I'm sure they won't find anything. And even if they do, she's a fighter. You Summers lot are a strong bunch," he murmured.
"Doesn't feel like it," she bit out as she looked away.
It went silent again as her inner turmoil only increased.
"I just… I can't lose her. I can't lose another person…" she trailed off as her sobs started again. She was mortified to be crying in front of him yet she was powerless to stop it. She covered her face as she cried and was a little startled when she felt him pat her back, somewhat awkwardly.
"You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Kitten," he said soothingly, his hand now rubbing her back. She couldn't be like the others right now. She'd had to put on a brave face for Buffy and Dawn. The only reason why Spike was witnessing it was because he'd stumbled across her in a moment of weakness. So she cried it out and he rubbed her back and let her. Once her tears dried up, she was left with nothing but emptiness inside of her. She cleared her throat and stood up, now feeling more than uncomfortable.
"I uh… thanks," she muttered awkwardly. He gave her that look again as he nodded. She turned her back and quickly made her way back inside. She'd already embarrassed herself enough for one night.
Kat sat up with a gasp. Everything was loud, people yelling around her. Things were bright and sharp and it made her wince. Suddenly, it went very quiet yet she still felt like it was too loud. The lamp went on and the light went off and her eyes stopped burning so much.
"What… What happened?" She croaked out. She was met with more silence as everyone looked at her weirdly as she tried to grasp at her memories.
"I remember the… the building. It came down on me," she murmured with a frown. When she glanced down at herself, she seemed perfectly fine.
"What happened?" She asked again. She looked at Spike who was looking at her strangely but his mouth stayed firmly shut which she found weird. A sudden and deep hunger pain hit her and she clutched her stomach.
"Why am I so hungry?" She frowned. Dawn came over then with a mug in her hand.
"You uh… need to feed," she murmured sheepishly. The words didn't register at first as the smell of the contents of the cup had her moving on instinct. She snatched it out of her hands and drank it in one go. The warm and coppery liquid slid down her throat as she guzzled it greedily. It was only after it was all gone the words got to her brain. Feed. She glanced at the cup to see remnants of blood. No. No, no, no.
"What…?" She trailed off as she felt panic take hold of her. It couldn't be. She wasn't.
"You were really injured. You weren't gonna make it. I… I asked Spike to turn you," Buffy explained soothingly. It was anything but soothing though to Kat and she whimpered, clutching the cup so tight it shattered and she jumped.
"You-You still have your soul! Buffy asked us to do a spell and we charmed the bracelet you're wearing," Willow added quickly. When Kat looked at her, she moved back rapidly and it sent a pang through her chest that she was scared of her. Kat was in shock. She was a vampire. And the people who were supposed to love her the most did this to her.
"How could you do this to me?" She lamented as she jumped up. Everyone seemed to tense at the movement and it only made her angrier.
"Kat-" Buffy started with a frown.
"No! This wasn't your choice to make!" She yelled. It wounded her that they'd betrayed her like this. This wasn't trivial. It wasn't some childish drama. They'd turned her into a monster.
"That's what I said," Spike finally spoke up and she gave him a withering look, seeing he was standing next to her.
"Funny how you turned me anyway," she growled. He hung his head, remorse coloring his face. It wasn't enough though. Her head was spinning and she was reeling from the level of betrayal she was feeling. She felt all upside down but she needed to get out of here.
"I'm going home," she muttered. The level of anger she was feeling was scaring her and she couldn't even look at any of them.
"I'll come with you," Spike murmured.
"No, you won't. I need space," she bit out. He looked hurt but he nodded, looking away from her. She didn't have it in her to feel guilty right now though. She was the victim here.
"Kat…" Buffy frowned as Kat reached the door.
"Leave me the hell alone," she seethed, leaving before she ended up killing someone. It wasn't so far out of the realm of possibility now, was it? Everything was too sharp and loud and she could hear the buzzing of the streetlights. She hurried home, scared she'd come across someone and kill them without wanting to. Was this really what they thought she wanted? When she got home, she hurried upstairs as the tears started and headed to the bathroom. She was struggling to keep her emotions in check. She felt so out of control and she hated it. She splashed some cold water on her face as she tried to calm herself. She'd still not settled in this new body and she was breathing shakily despite not needing to. When she glanced up, it felt like a punch to the gut seeing nothing staring back at her in the mirror.
She roared, her hands smacking the sink and the porcelain cracked and fell in a heap, the water sloshing on the floor. Broken sobs left her lips as she stumbled out of the room and collapsed on the floor. She didn't want to be here. She couldn't be here. It was all too much. The world was too bright and loud and she was too emotional. She needed to get out of here. There was only one person she knew could help. A vampire with a soul. One that hadn't turned her into a monster. Before she knew what she was doing, she was rummaging to find a phone. She didn't exactly have one on her but she knew hers had to be around somewhere. She knew she was right when she found her cell in the bedside drawer.
"Kat?" Angel asked softly after only a few rings.
"I… I need help," she cried down the phone. It was an odd experience. If she was human, she'd be struggling to breathe with how hard she was crying. It was strange to cry this hard without feeling lightheaded.
"What is it? Are you hurt? Is it Buffy?" He asked frantically. A delirious laugh left her lips as she squeezed her eyes shut.
"I'm a vampire. Buffy had Spike turn me. I… I have a soul but… Angel, please help me. I can't be here," her voice was desperate and pleading and his shocked silence on the other end worried her for a moment.
"I'll set off now but it might take me a couple of hours," he murmured after a moment. She felt relief sweep her entire being.
"That's fine," she replied quietly, wiping her eyes.
"Kat…" he started, sounding concerned and confused.
"We can talk about it when you get me. I just really need to leave," she explained quickly. She couldn't have this conversation on the phone.
"Alright. I'll be there soon. Buffy's or yours?" He asked.
"Buffy's," she answered. After saying a quick goodbye, they hung up. She couldn't look at the guys but she wasn't a dick. She'd tell them she was leaving so they weren't worried she was off murdering people. The thought made a bitter pang smack her in the face.
She didn't want to go back too soon, since she only intended on saying her goodbyes. She knew they wouldn't be happy about it but they couldn't talk her out of this. So she busied herself with packing a bag. She was pointedly ignoring the flimsy silver material on her wrist that was her only hope of not becoming a complete monster. By the time almost two hours passed, she swung her bag over her shoulder and made her way back to Buffy's. She was surprised no one had come to check on her. Mostly Spike. She was confused why he'd done this to her. Obviously, Buffy had asked him to, and from what he said, he'd known it wasn't their choice to make. Yet he'd done it anyway. Was that any way to treat someone you loved? By the time she reached Buffy's, her eyes were red and puffy. She was sure the waterworks would start again before she left too. For someone who normally could stuff her feelings in a box and ignore them, this was pure hell for her. She could hear frantic conversation behind the door before she even opened it, but it went deathly silent as she walked inside.
"Luv… you're back," Spike murmured, hurrying to stand. But as he stepped towards her, she took a step back with a cold look. Once again, he looked hurt. His blue eyes were shiny and sad as he gazed at her.
"Where are you going?" Dawn asked, sounding panicked, spying her bag.
"Angel's on his way to pick me up," she replied tensely. The silence that took over was so loud it was deafening.
"What?" Buffy asked slowly, looking dumbfounded.
"I called him and told him what you all did to me. I asked him to take me back to LA," Kat explained flatly.
"What the bloody hell do you need that ponce for?" Spike glowered, standing up straighter.
"I'm a new vampire that's been turned with a soul. I need help," she replied dryly.
"Hello? Vampire with a soul right here!" He yelled, gesturing to himself.
"Your soul is in there and it's not going anywhere. You don't have to worry about losing it. I mean, come on guys. A bracelet? Do you know how easy it would be for it to break or something?! It's bad enough you did this to me but now I have to constantly worry I'll end up soulless!" Her voice grew in volume and shrillness with each word.
"Kat, we just-" Buffy started with a frown.
"No! Do you even have any idea what you've done?! What you've taken from me?!" She bellowed. The anger she felt was like nothing she'd ever felt before.
"I'm never gonna feel my heartbeat again. I can't go enjoy the sun without bursting into flames. I'm not gonna blush at stupid shit. I'm not me anymore!" The tears started again and she hated this mix of pure anguish and rage she seemed stuck in.
"Of course you're you, pet," Spike breathed sadly.
"No, I'm not. And do you know what the worst thing is?" She turned to Buffy then who was watching her with wide and wary eyes.
"If you let me die, I would have gone to heaven. I'd have been with mom, dad, aunt Joyce. But now you did this to me, where do I go when I die?" She asked pointedly. Buffy shifted uncomfortably as she crossed her arms over her chest.
"You're not going to die," she said defiantly.
"Everything dies. Just because I'm a vampire now doesn't mean I'll live forever. It might be a week, a year, 800… When I do die, I'll end up in hell because of what you did. It doesn't matter if I have a soul or don't feed off humans, I'll still go to hell. You ripped away the only chance I'd ever have to be with the people I love when I die. I'll suffer eternal torment all because you were too goddamn selfish!" She seethed. Buffy had her hand over her mouth, tears in her eyes. She looked like she hadn't even considered that and it only pissed Kat off more.
"I-I was scared. You weren't gonna make it," Buffy sobbed pitifully.
"When you died, it was hard. I was hurting more than I'd ever hurt before but I got through it. And when these assholes asked about bringing you back, I said no. And you couldn't even do me the courtesy of letting me go peacefully. You might have been ripped out of heaven but at least you were there. I'll never know that luxury because of you. Out of everyone, I really didn't think you'd be the one to do this to me," Kat lamented tearfully.
Buffy lowered her head as she sniffled, wiping her eyes.
"Kitten, just sit down so we can talk about this," Spike's voice was shaky as he reached out to her. The betrayal was too deep though, from both Buffy and Spike. Buffy might have asked him but he could have said no. She pushed him away without much force but he went flying into the wall. He looked shocked, blue eyes wide as he stared at her. She felt the briefest pang of guilt under all the other mess of emotions but she pushed it away.
"I can't look at you right now," she muttered, hurt lacing each word. His face scrunched up in pain as he stood back up properly.
"I can't look at any of you. I thought you'd have learned your lesson to not play god, but apparently not," she glowered. Right on cue, there was a knock on the door. A tear stricken Dawn quickly ran to the door and opened it.
"Hey, Angel," she murmured quietly.
"Hey," he answered, looking uncomfortable as his eyes swept the room. The look Buffy gave him was scathing but he looked away from her and turned to Kat.
"You ready to go?" He asked softly. Sympathy was etched on his features and she was grateful he'd come through for her. He didn't owe her anything.
"You're not takin' her anywhere. She's not one of your bloody pet projects," Spike growled with a feral glint in his eye. He took a step towards Angel but the callous look Kat shot him made him stand still.
"You've made enough choices for me, don't you think?" She asked in contempt.
"Why are you doing this? She's better off here with us," Buffy protested weakly as she looked at Angel.
"Buff… she doesn't wanna be here. It's best she just… has some space to cool off. Being turned, it's a big deal. It's a lot to adjust to. She needs to do that where she feels safe," he explained apologetically.
"She's safe here with us!" Buffy argued.
"Am I?" Kat asked pointedly. Buffy looked hurt at the insinuation but Kat found it hard to care.
"I'm leaving and unless you want a pissed off vampire to deal with, I suggest you leave me alone. Let's hope my little bracelet doesn't snap along the way and I lose my soul," she muttered, moving to the door. Angel left first and as she hurried after him, Spike intercepted her.
"Don't do this, please. I can help you if you let me," he pleaded desperately with tearful eyes.
"You know, it's funny. Dru was right after all. All this time you wanted to turn me and I guess you got exactly what you wanted. So much for your soul," she laughed mirthlessly.
"I didn't want this for you, I swear it," he grieved.
"Yet here I am, anyway," she retorted. She couldn't look at him without the pain and betrayal intensifying. She stepped around him and quickly made her way to Angel's car. The door shut behind her and she glanced out of the window to see Spike watching her forlornly, the others standing on the porch. Angel took off and she finally felt some relief. She felt tightly wound like a coil about to snap. She couldn't believe she was a vampire now.
Buffy watched the car drive away with a heavy feeling in her chest. This wasn't how she expected things to go. Spike whirled around from where he stood, a murderous look on his face.
"I told you! I bloody told you this would happen!" He roared accusingly. He was right of course. She wasn't sure if Spike knew her cousin better than she did, a thought that she didn't like, or if she was just so consumed by her own pain that she hadn't cared. Kat was right about her being selfish. She had been. Not for one second did she think about the repercussions. About the things Kat would miss once she turned. About where she'd go when she met her end. The only thing that had been on her mind was Kat living, to some degree. She understood now why she was so upset but she hated it. Her and Kat rarely fought and never like this. She had no idea if she was even going to come back. She'd been so scared of losing her and she ended up losing her anyway.
"I told you I didn't wanna do this to her and you wormed your way into my soddin' head and now she hates me," he seethed. Behind his anger, Buffy could see his pain though.
"Would you rather she be dead?" She asked flatly, her voice holding no inflection about the many feelings consuming her. He went silent real quick and she turned around and made her way back inside, ignoring the looks from the others. She really had messed up but she didn't regret it. Kat was still around and that was all that mattered.
Kat wasn't sure how long Angel had been driving with an uncomfortable silence as he didn't know what to say. But then it happened. She burst into tears, gut wrenching sobs as she covered her mouth. She felt Angel swerve before the car stopped suddenly. But then his arms were wrapped around her and she felt a slice of comfort as he held her.
"How could they do this to me?" She wailed into his chest. He rubbed her back soothingly as he sighed.
"I… I really don't know. But I'm gonna help you, Kat. I mean it," he soothed gently. She sniffled and wiped her eyes before moving away. She would have blushed if she was capable of it.
"I feel… everything. All at once. It's too much," she whispered.
"Everything's heightened for you now, including how you feel. You get used to it," he remarked softly. She nodded, hoping she'd get used to it real soon.
"Did you… eat?" He asked uncertainly, seemingly choosing his words wisely. She lowered her head as she nodded.
"They gave me a cup of pig's blood," she answered tensely. She'd been getting hunger pains again already on the drive but she was too ashamed to speak up. He reached into the backseat, messing with something before he produced two cups of what she could already smell was pigs blood. She looked away with a frown but he handed it to her until she took it. She felt a deep shame claw its way into her chest but she watched as his face turned and he drank his own. She wondered if her face had changed before. How hideous she must be. She didn't want her face to change and it wasn't like she could look at herself to see. With another gnawing pang of hunger, she reluctantly brought the cup to her mouth. She didn't want to end up killing someone because of her little hunger strike. She felt it then, her face changing. It was a weird feeling and she loathed it. She gulped it down, chugging at it to get it over with. It was cold and it made it unpleasant. She figured he'd stored them in a cooler. When she was done, he took the cup from her hand. She felt her face change back and she was relieved. The silence came back then as he started the car but this time it wasn't so uncomfortable. She had no idea what life would be like for her now but she trusted Angel to help her come to terms with it. She knew if Buffy would have told him her plan he'd have been firmly against it. She guessed Giles was too given his absence earlier and just knowing him so well. The thought of her stand-in father made her feel sick. Would he hate her now? Would he even be able to look at her? Everything was wrong and as long as she was technically dead but still walking, they would stay that way.