Kat glared at the microwave as it warmed up the cup of pigs blood. She hated it. Well, no, she didn't. She enjoyed it and she hated that she enjoyed it. She disgusted herself. She'd been at the Hyperion Hotel for two weeks now and she didn't feel that much better. She and Angel had many heart to hearts in that time and he hadn't sugar coated how hard it was to be a vampire with a soul. She was glad though. She didn't need babying, she needed the truth. She knew she was lucky though to be turned with a soul. She was a first in that respect. Angel called her a miracle. She called herself a monster. He'd explained everything in a vampire 101 style fashion and he'd even gone into their lineage since he was technically her great grandfather. Something that freaked her out to no end. But he hadn't given up on her despite her constant despondent mood and her fluctuating emotions. He was the king of brooding though so maybe he just got it.
The microwaved beeped and Kat sighed, opening it and picking up the mug. She just stared at the red liquid, hating the fact she needed it to stay alive. Unalive. Whatever.
"That's not gonna drink itself," Cordeila murmured wryly. Kat hadn't even noticed her there. She gave her a look with an eye roll but there was no malice behind it. Kat hadn't ever gotten on with her in the past. She was a stuck up bitch that drove her insane. But this Cordelia wasn't the same girl. It seemed that time working with Angel had changed her for the better and now she even had a direct line to the Powers That Be. She was still quite shallow and materialistic though. Some things don't change.
Kat gave her another look, waiting for her to leave. She wasn't about to change into game face and drink in front of her. She hadn't mastered controlling it well yet so she couldn't just drink it normally. Her face would change involuntarily as she fed. Cordelia rolled her eyes this time as she put her hand on her hip.
"You know I'm not gonna judge you. I've seen plenty of vamp faces, Kat. It's not a big deal," she shrugged. It was a big deal to Kat though. Angel was the only one she let see her face so far. But she knew everyone back home would have had a glimpse when she'd fed after waking. It made her skin crawl. Thinking of the others depressed her. She still wasn't over what they did to her and the betrayal stung like a bitch. She hadn't spoken to any of them although she was quite sure Buffy had been calling Angel everyday to check on her and no doubt passing it along to the others and Spike.
"I'm not ready yet," Kat admitted tensely. She didn't think she'd ever be ready. She knew she'd be hideous and it wasn't even a superficial shallow thing. Her vamp face was now her true face. Her real nature. The nature of a monster. At least when she had her normal face she was closer to her old self. Her very dead self.
Cordelia gave her a sympathetic look before she moved over and gave her a hug.
"You'll get there. You're strong, Kat," she murmured before she moved away. Kat gave her a weak smile and watched as she scurried off and left her in peace. With another heaving sigh, she drank the blood quickly to get it over with. No matter how nice blood might taste to her now, she didn't relish in it. Her face changed back and she moved to wash out the mug as if to hide the evidence she'd fed at all. The shame ran so deep inside of her, she couldn't make it go away. She was going to go to her room but she ended up standing near the door looking longingly at the nice bright day outside. She missed the sun. Missed it so deep that she felt it in her bones. She longed to just feel the warm rays on her face once more. Now she was just a creature of the night. Before she knew it, the tears were threatening to break free and her lower lip was wobbling. Great. She really couldn't keep her emotions in check now. She loathed it. Pushing her feelings down had been her speciality and now she couldn't even stop her little outbursts even if she tried. It was the worst.
She jumped when she felt a heavy hand on her shoulder and whipped around to see a concerned looking Angel.
"Come on," he murmured, grabbing her hand and leading her to his office. He let go of her hand when they got there and moved to sit behind his desk and she moved to sit in the chair on the other side.
"Talk to me," he said softly. She was waiting for the day when he was rolling his eyes and sighing as he asked her what the hell was wrong now. He never did though. He had the patience of a Saint.
"It's stupid," she muttered, wiping her eyes furiously with the sleeve of her hoodie.
"It's not stupid, Kat. Turning is a big adjustment. Especially for you being turned with a soul. I can't even imagine what it's like," he frowned. He wasn't wrong. Usually, when someone was turned, they didn't care about the trivial things they'd miss out on. The things that made them human. They had no soul so all they cared about was what they gained and murdering people. Kat wasn't like that though. She was turned with her soul. She was still her but she wasn't at the same time. She felt like her soul was stuffed in the body of a monster.
"I miss the sun," she whispered as embarrassment crept up her spine. If she was still alive her cheeks would be cherry red. Angel watched her for a moment with that sad puppy face he always had when he was around her. He always seemed genuinely affected by her situation. She didn't know why since they'd only just become kind of friends. She'd asked him about it and he'd reminded her that she's important to Buffy which means she's important to him. Something which led to an argument given what Buffy did to her and she hadn't wanted to listen to anything he had to say. He soon learned not to say the B word in front of her again. He'd also revealed he felt somewhat responsible and protective of her. They were kind of related in the weird sireline kind of way. He turned Dru, she turned Spike and he turned Kat. He felt like it started with him.
"It's something you get used to. Besides, the sun's overrated anyway. Who needs a tan? I heard pale is in this year," he teased. She felt her lips quirk up ever so slightly, appreciating his light approach to her sadness. She knew he couldn't really help her with this anyway. He also missed the sun, something he'd also revealed to her.
"Did you finish the book I gave you yet?" He asked. She was glad for the distraction and change of topic. She felt like she'd gone back to school since coming here. He'd given her mountains of books to read about vampires. None of which made her feel any better about the whole thing and none of them really held any information for her special circumstances since she was the first vampire to be turned with a soul. He still felt it was important though. He'd even given her a few volumes of old text of what he, Darla, Dru and Spike had gotten up to in the evil days. It hadn't been pleasant to read and she'd told herself Spike was different now since he had a soul. He'd changed. But then she remembered he'd turned her and she got mad all over again. She missed him horribly despite the betrayal. She wasn't sure if it was the bond or just how much she cared about him, but it was eating her alive to be this far away from him without seeing him once. Not even hearing his voice. But she still felt raw over what he did to her.
"Almost. I was gonna go upstairs and read it," she shrugged. He nodded as he gave her a small smile.
"I'll let you get to it then," he said.
Hours later she finally finished the book and tossed it to the floor before sprawling on the bed with a heavy sigh. She was sad and fed up. She wanted to go home. She wanted to see the people she cared about. She was still hurt though. Why was everything so complicated? She wondered what it would have been like if they'd have let her go. She remembered her dream where she got to see her parents and Joyce again. She'd be with them right now and she'd be at peace. Now she'd never know that. She was broken out or her morbid thoughts when the door knocked.
"Come in," she called out, still laying on the bed. The door opened slowly and Angel walked inside.
"I wanna show you something," he said simply. She quirked a brow as she sat up.
"What is it?" She asked curiously. He just gave her a smirk before leaving her room. He liked to do that. Just walk away. It was weird. She pushed herself up from the bed and walked out of her room where he was standing in the hallway. He was silent as he led her up to the roof and she had no idea what he was doing. The sky was dark now and she stepped out onto the roof wondering if he was planning on staking her to stop her incessant whining. She wouldn't blame him.
"Do you remember this?" he asked softly, sitting down and gesturing for her to do the same. She sat next to him, looking out at the view. She did remember. She sat here all that time ago when Buffy had died and she'd come to tell him. When she tried to console him. Oh, how the tables had turned.
"I do," she murmured thoughtfully. The wind whipped her hair but she didn't feel the cold. The view was different now she could see better, more vividly.
"It might not be the sun, but the night is beautiful in its own way. I know it's hard, and it's so simple to just think about the things we've lost or can't do now. But you're still here, Kat. Just like I am. We can still make a difference. Help people. I know it's not what you wanted but maybe it happened for a reason," he contemplated. She stayed quiet for a moment as she let his words ruminate in her brain. He was right. It was easy for her to just dwell in the misery of all the things she'd lost out on. But there wasn't anything she could do about it now. Would she just live in her cave of angst and sadness forever and let it haunt her? Or would she drag herself out of it and do something useful like Angel was doing? She was faster now, stronger. She could do things she hadn't been able to do as a human. She'd thought herself weak in the past, hated that she felt like dead weight to Buffy when they got rid of demons. She was practically useless in a fight. Now she wasn't. When she'd wished for super strength, this hadn't exactly been what she had in mind though.
"You should forgive Spike," Angel murmured after a moment of silence, breaking her out of her thoughts. Her head snapped to him, shock coloring her face at words she'd never expect to come out of his mouth.
"What?" she blinked slowly. He sighed, moving to look at her better.
"I love Buffy, I do but… what she did was wrong. She's the Slayer and she knows better. But Spike… even with his soul, he's a vampire. He can't change that. And to top that off you're his soulmate. He didn't choose to turn you, he was talked into it and he was scared of losing his only true love. I think you should at least talk to him, hear him out and hear his side," he suggested seriously.
"Didn't think I'd ever hear you vouching for Spike," she murmured, a small frown gracing her face as she thought of his words.
"Me neither. But I know you miss him. I can practically feel it radiating off you. And things here aren't so black and white. At least with Spike's involvement," he muttered. She didn't really know the full story of her turning, she hadn't stuck around for the details. She'd gathered that Buffy had somehow got Spike to do it but it still hurt that Spike went along and did it anyway. Since when did Spike do as he was told? By the Slayer, no less. But she had a feeling Angel knew far more about her turning than she did. And if he of all people were suggesting she speak to Spike, she figured she could at least think about it.
"I do miss him. It feels like it physically hurts being away from him. I wanna talk to him. I need to. I just don't know how we're supposed to fix this. I don't think I could ever get over this," she admitted sadly. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and she leaned her head on him with a sigh.
"You won't know unless you try," he replied.
"I'll think about it," she murmured. She wasn't sure how she'd feel the next time she saw Spike. The last time she'd been consumed with pure pain and anger. And while Angel had been trying to help her keep her emotions in check, it was proving difficult for the fledgling vampire.
Much like last time. They stayed out on the roof for hours until they both went back to bed. Vampires didn't really need to sleep, though she did find it helped her feel more refreshed if she did. But it was more of a human habit she didn't want to break. Like holding on to little bits of her humanity were enough to change the fact she was a monster. She wondered if Angel did the same for the same reason. She got up the next day around noon. They mostly kept human hours since they were running Angel investigations and they needed to be there if people needed help. Not like Angel could do much in the day other than research. She hadn't really helped much other than hitting the books too. She hadn't left the damned hotel since she got here two weeks ago, too scared of what she might do if she did. Even with her flimsy bracelet soul. She spent the day how she always did. Feed in secret as the shame ate away at her, stare out the door longingly and hide in her room until late as she read another book Angel had given her for homework. She was going out of her mind with boredom locked away like this but she just wasn't ready for the alternative yet. She snapped the book shut with a sigh as she heaved herself off the bed to go and tell Angel she'd read it. She was wearing what she always wore these days. Black sweat pants and a slightly big t-shirt. Spikes t-shirt. It was the one he'd given her that time he'd patched her up after they'd fought and she turned up at his place injured. She was pissed at him but it was like a comfort blanket for her. As a human, his scent had faded on it long ago but wearing it had still made her feel safe. But now she could still detect wisps of Spike on the shirt. It hurt and comforted her all at the same time.
She padded down the stairs slowly with the book in hand. Things seemed nice and quiet. One thing she had managed to master in her time here was controlling her super hearing. Mostly because it had been driving her batshit crazy and she'd begged Angel to help her with it. Everything had been far too loud, feeling like someone was ramming needles into her ears. But now she could tap into it when she needed and be blissfully unaware when she didn't. She mostly opted for the latter because when she switched it back on, things were still too loud and it was disorientating for her. She could still hear better than your average human with it off but it wasn't as overwhelming as when she tapped into it. As she got into the foyer, Cordelia flashed her a grin.
"Angel wants to speak to you in his office," she mentioned casually. Kat nodded, already planning on going to see him anyway. But now she was worried. She always was when he called her into his office. It was usually nothing. Stuff like asking her to help with research and talking about a case they were working. Or just to see how she was doing. But she dreaded the day he called her in and told her she needed to leave because he was sick of her and her depressing vibes. That he couldn't help her. She was lost in her own mind as she often found herself since she'd turned and lost the ability to stuff it all down and didn't hear the talking behind the large wooden door. She pushed it open, wishing she was still able to hide and ignore her feelings. It felt simpler than being forced to face them.
"You wanted me?" she asked anxiously as she moved into the room. She stood dead, the book falling from her hand with a thud as her eyes landed on Spike who was sitting in the seat she often sat in opposite Angel. Her throat suddenly felt tight as a wave of every negative emotion known to man washed over her. Spike stood quickly, blue eyes wide and tearful as he just stared at her like he'd seen a ghost. She moved her eyes away from him and they landed on Angel who was sitting in his chair watching her carefully.
"Why is he here?" she asked tensely. She missed the hurt look that passed on Spike's face as she was pointedly not looking at him.
"You said you wanted to talk to him," Angel supplied calmly.
"I said I'd think about it," she bit out, her fingers digging into her palms painfully. Emotions had always terrified her which was why she'd opted not to deal with them at all in the past. But now they were even more terrifying because she couldn't control them. She felt far too much and to a much greater extent than she ever thought possible. Lack of control was horrifying, especially when that was all that separated her from the demon she now was. Everything was amplified. The hurt, the anger. And she didn't know how to calm it down.
"You did. But two days ago you also said you trusted me, so I decided to make an executive decision. You can't run from your problems forever, Kat. You need this," Angel implored. She pursed her lips, her whole body rigid as she tried to get a reign on the many things she felt. She glanced back to Spike then who was watching her like she just told him his puppy was dying. The lump in her throat got bigger and she hated the relief she felt at seeing him after being without him.
"Fine," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest like a child. Angel got up and moved around them, giving her arm a squeeze on the way past.
"Just hear him out," he murmured quietly to her before he left the room and shut the door behind him.
The air was thick with tension and silence as she moved to sit in Angel's chair, hoping the space of the desk between them would help calm her frayed nerves and emotions. She took the glass paper weight from the desk, toying with it out of nervous habit. Spike sat back down too and his sad eyes weren't helping her. Her hand twitched out of habit to reach over and comfort him but she didn't move. She didn't speak. Waiting to hear what he had to say.
"Kitten…" his voice cracked and he lowered his head. She was waiting for the excuses. Maybe some apologies. What she hadn't expected was for him to start crying. He was full on crying with his head in his hands as he struggled to get a word out. And she was sure if he'd needed to breathe he'd have passed out already. She blinked dumbly at him, her chest aching fiercely at watching him this upset. She didn't think she'd ever seen him this upset before. He was an emotional guy, even if he had once been the big bad. But this was different. He was utterly heartbroken and she felt like she could feel it. It made her own eyes prick with tears that she blinked rapidly to clear.
"Spike," she muttered, not knowing how to deal with the situation. She wanted to comfort him but she was still upset with him.
"M'sorry… I'm so sorry," he lamented brokenly through his tears. He reached out his hand as if to grab hers but then withdrew it like he thought better of touching her.
"I know you don't believe me, but I never wanted this for you. Not when you didn't choose it," he continued. She glanced down, feeling her own conflicting emotions swirling around inside of her.
"Buffy… she got in my head. I'd told her no when she asked me, told her you wouldn't want this. But she kept on and on… she told me I'd spend an eternity askin' what if, wonderin' what it woulda been like. That I'd regret it. She told me how alone I'd feel… that the only good thing about me was you and that without you I'd be nothing," he wept painfully. She felt anger prickling at her. How dare Buffy manipulate him like that, knowing he was already in a bad place. She'd remembered when she thought she was going to lose Spike because of his chip, how scared she'd been. He was vulnerable and Buffy had used him.
"And she wasn't wrong. 'Cause… 'Cause there's no me without you. I couldn't live in a world without you in it. I knew it would kill me. But I still said no 'cause I knew you didn't want it. And she lied to me. Told me the spell for your soul was a certain thing. Lied to the others too about everyone bein' on board. She kept makin' me think of a world without you and then…" he trailed off, voice breaking as he scrunched his face up.
"You flatlined. And nothin' made sense to me anymore. All I could feel was blind pain and Buffy was soddin' yellin' at me, tellin' me to turn you. I couldn't think straight and I just did it. And right after… I hoped the doctors could save you 'cause I knew I made a mistake. Knew I let her get to me and I followed my heart not my head. But they didn't… they couldn't. And I have to live with that," he sniffled, wiping his eyes frantically.
"And I'm not sayin' I'm blameless here. I know I'm not. I let her manipulate me, wasn't strong enough. I still bloody well did it. But you need to know why I did it, 'cause it's important," he muttered emphatically. She knew he was right. The context here was very important. The tidbits she'd gotten before she left led her to believe Buffy asked Spike to do it. And while he wasn't happy, he still did it anyway. This was very different. It made more sense to her now. But even with this new information, she couldn't just shake the pain she felt now she was a monster.
Her rage seemed to simmer and stew at Buffy until it was all out boiling, and the glass paper weight she'd been holding suddenly shattered in her hand. She blinked dumbly at her hand for a minute as some blood oozed from the tiny shards embedded into her skin. It still perturbed her how strong she was now with little effort. She noticed how Spike leaned forward as if to help, so she snatched her hand into her lap as she started picking out the glass.
"I know you're mad at Buffy. I was too… still am really. But she was scared," Spike murmured as he watched her forlornly.
"Still didn't give her the right to do this to me," she huffed bitterly.
"I know that, pet. But she's your family. Just don't want you to lose sight of that with your anger," he replied softly. She pursed her lips, yanking out the last piece of glass a little roughly.
"She's my family, yet she turned me into the same kind of monster she's destined to kill," she snorted mirthlessly.
"You know… it's funny. You spent so much time tellin' me I wasn't a monster, even before I got my soul," he mused. She gave him an unimpressed look.
"That's different," she bit out with a glower.
"Not that different. You and me are one and the same now, luv," he countered as he gave her a serious yet soft look.
"You had over a hundred years to deal with what you are. You turned without a soul. You didn't care about the lack of heartbeat or sun. You didn't care about eternal damnation. You used your new strength and power to get what you wanted and kill people. But I'm over here with my flimsy ass soul, scared my strength is gonna get someone killed by accident just by poking them too hard," she rambled in contempt.
"I get that… I get it's not completely the same. Bein' turned with a soul… can't imagine what that's like. 'Cause you're right. I didn't care about all that when I turned. Only cared about what I gained and how I could use it. But the thing is… I've done bad things… unspeakable horrors to innocent people. I slaughtered 'em for more than a hundred years and I bloody loved it. And yet you still looked me right in the eye and told me I wasn't a monster. You knew what I'd done, and you still believed I was a good man. And you're callin' yourself a monster when you've not done a soddin' thing wrong. Not killed anyone. Not even hurt 'em. Never drank human blood," he murmured. She glanced back down to her already healed hands, chewing on her lower lip as his words tried to make sense in her head. She understood what he was saying but it didn't mesh with her feelings about herself.
"I know you've been strugglin'. Angel told me," he started. She rolled her eyes in annoyance.
"Of course he did," she huffed.
"He told me you've been depressed. How you haven't left the soddin' Hotel since you got here 'cause you're scared of your own strength and emotions. That ain't the definition of a monster. A monster would be out there no matter what. They wouldn't give a toss if they hurt someone. They'd relish in it. You might be a vampire, a demon. That's just what you are now. But that doesn't make you a monster, pet," he said emphatically.
"Spike," she whispered, shifting at his painfully uncomfortable words.
"No. You're gonna damn well listen to me. You spent so long showin' me I could be a good man. That you believed I wasn't a monster. And it's killin' me to see you think so low of yourself. You might have gone through some changes, but you're still you and you've always been good," he implored.
She moved so her feet were on the chair as she hugged her knees like a protective cocoon. On some level, his words made sense to her. Yet she still struggled to believe them.
"Thank you… For coming here. Explaining it to me. I've still… I've still got a lot to work through. Only time's gonna fix that. But I'm glad I know the full story now," she murmured, deflecting from the harsh home truths she'd just been dealt by him. She could see he looked a little disappointed that she didn't acknowledge the things he'd just said.
"When Angel called me and said you wanted to talk… I couldn't get here fast enough. I've been wanting to tell you since you woke up, but I knew you needed some space. I missed you," he said softly.
"I get it. I'm hurt about it all, but I do get it. You were in a bad situation and you were vulnerable. Buffy used that to get what she wanted. Things won't be able to just go back to how they were… not yet anyways. But I'm glad you're here… I missed you too," she admitted. She missed the blush she knew would be rising in her cheeks if she was still living and breathing. She watched as his whole body seemed to sag at her words and he smiled a little.
"I'll wait… for as long as I need to, to earn your forgiveness," he promised, blue eyes shining with many emotions. She really was glad he was here. There was still a lot she had to process and she had to learn to work through her new intense emotions over the whole thing, but she was happy to be back in his presence. It had been hell without him. He'd been her best friend, even before they got together. She'd leaned on him for everything. This was one of the hardest things she'd had to deal with and she'd had to do it without him. It had been hell for her. It would take time for them to be able to heal from this, she knew that. But she hoped they'd be able to work through it. She still loved him, even after everything. She was sick of being away from him.