A/N: So from here on out, things won't be canon and I'm doing my own thing. I won't really be following the Angel storyline, nor will I be using the comic stuff.
—-
Buffy sat at the large table all alone, glaring at the wood. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders, bearing down on her worse than ever before. She didn't know what to do anymore and the more time that passed, the harder it got. It had been a little over two months since Sunnydale fell, a little over two months since Kat had vanished and lost her soul. Buffy had been stuck in Slayer mode, she'd had no choice. She'd needed to get her girls out of there before the whole place got torn down. She'd been busy attending to the wounded and checking who had made it. Stupidly, she'd not paid Kat much attention because in her mind, attending to those physically wounded had been higher up on the priority list. But then, after she'd looked down at the ruins she once called home, she'd dropped her guise of being Slayer in charge. She was just Buffy. Buffy who hated the fact that her cousin who had already been through so much, had just lost another person. Her soulmate of all the people to die. And Buffy had helped. She'd pulled her away from him despite her desperate screams and cries and it had broken Buffy's heart. But there was no choice.
So she'd gone back onto the bus to try and speak to Kat, only to find her missing. Her first thought was that she might try to stake herself. She knew how hard Kat would be taking it and how much she struggled to deal with these things. So they all worriedly set out to search for her. Eventually, they wound up at the bus shelter, finding out that people had seen someone of her description. But it only got worse when a tearful and spooked looking Dawn had walked over, showing Buffy a silver bracelet she knew all too well. It made her feel sick. The guys were all panicked and throwing around theories about how she'd lost her soul. But Buffy knew in her heart what had happened. She knew her cousin had taken it off in a last ditch effort to stop her grief and it only made her feel more guilty. Because while she told herself there was no choice, there was. Angel could have worn the amulet but Buffy had said no. She'd convinced herself it was because he was needed as a last line of defense, in case the Ubervamps killed all of them and got out. She knew Angel and his team were capable of trying to contain it. But if she was really honest with herself, she also said no because he'd told her it was incredibly powerful and could be dangerous. And that scared her. She couldn't lose Angel, not again. So when Spike asked for the amulet, she'd handed it over. She'd told him the risks but he still went for it anyway. But maybe she shouldn't have given it to him. Maybe she shouldn't have been so god damn selfish. She'd tried to lie to herself and pretend like he would be fine, her brain not able to comprehend that Spike could wind up dead and how it would affect Kat. Spike always got himself out of life or death binds, like a cat with nine lives. She'd believed that lie right up until she saw what the amulet was doing to Spike in the cave. And now Kat was running around without her soul and it had been partly her fault. Would she come for her? For the betrayal she probably felt? She had no idea what Kat would be like now. All soulless vampires were monsters, but there were varying degrees of it. Angelus and Spike were proof of that. Angelus loved the mind games and the torture and the needless suffering, whereas Spike just loved the thrill of the kill and fight. They were very different, even if both were murderers and not good people. And now Kat would be on that scale somewhere and she could only hope to the heavens that she would be more like Spike.
When they couldn't find her, Xander had suggested they head to LA to find Angel and let him know. Buffy had agreed since Kat and Angel had become close. She was worried she'd turn up there and try to kill him. Angel, now the head honcho at Wolfram and Hart, let the Slayers all stay there for a little while before using his contacts and seemingly endless money to buy them a building just down the street. They'd created a sort of Slayers Headquarters. There were rooms for all the girls and even some spare, which was a good thing since it felt like they were continuously getting new Slayers. They had a large cafeteria area, training area, and a meeting room for the original gang who were the ones in charge. It was great. But she couldn't enjoy it. Not without Kat. Because every stone they turned over yielded no results. And it didn't take long for Buffy and the rest of them to find out that Kat was definitely more on the Angelus side of things. She'd been leaving a trail of carnage and horror in her wake that made Buffy fearful. Soulless or not, she didn't think she'd be able to kill Kat, no matter if she was the Slayer or not. She couldn't do it. She'd given everyone strict capture, don't kill orders. They'd detain Kat while they figured out how to get her soul back in her body. Her soul was currently sitting in an orb in a magic glass case, waiting for her. Willow had tried the same spell she'd used on Angel years ago but it hadn't worked. Buffy had no idea why, the witches hadn't either. But it meant they'd have to come up with something new. Buffy knew they could do it, but it would take time. Time they didn't have as Kat was tearing through LA like nobody's business. And it was setting the girls on edge. Hell, it was setting them all on edge. Because they needed to stop her but they couldn't kill her. She was too fast and erratic to keep up with her movements, they were always five steps behind her. And some of the Slayers, the newer ones who hadn't ever met Kat, they didn't understand why they couldn't just end her. They didn't get it. But Buffy refused. She wouldn't kill her and she wouldn't let the others. She was going to come back. She'd get her soul back inside of her and she'd be okay. Even if Buffy knew the guilt would be terrible for her. And Kat never dealt with guilt well to begin with.
And to top all of the crappiness off, was Spike. This all started with his death. Only he didn't stay dead for long. Nineteen days he'd been gone and then, poof, he was back as a ghost at Angel's place. And Buffy had begged Angel not to tell him about Kat, not yet. For all they knew, once the Spike being a ghost thing was resolved, he'd slip off into his afterlife. There was no need to upset him and worry him like that if he was just going to be dead-dead soon after. And while she had her issues with him, he'd given his life to save them all. He deserved some peace. And it was also out of respect for Kat because she didn't want his last memories of her cousin being that she was soulless and murdering people. So Angel had agreed to keep hush hush about the whole thing until they knew what would happen with Spike. And she'd had a phone call just minutes before to say Spike was no longer a ghost, but he hadn't moved on either. He was back to being a vampire. And Buffy knew it was time to face the music. She'd hoped she wouldn't have to speak to him about it because she was having a hard enough time as it was containing her emotions to be the good leader everyone needed. And she knew he'd be upset. But she put on her big girl panties because she had no choice. Spike deserved to know and he could actually be a huge asset in the search for Kat. There would be no telling in how she'd react to knowing he was alive again. It could make her happy, stopping her rampage, or it could make her worse. Because once you lost your soul, things weren't quite normal anymore. Love became twisted obsessions or turned into blind hate. They had to tread lightly with this whole thing or it could blow up in their faces.
—
Angel's chest felt heavy as he rested his chin on his hand, sat behind his desk. He'd just gotten off the phone with Buffy to tell her about Spike. She'd asked him to give him the short version before he brought Spike over to Slayer HQ so she could give him more details. He felt bad for her. He could see how much this was weighing her down and he wished he could do more to stop it. And his heart ached for Kat. He'd come to love her like a sister and finding out she was so similar to him, to Angelus, broke him. He didn't want this for her. None of them did. And he knew the pain she'd go through once they did manage to put her soul back and it was killing him. He wished he could carry her pain and guilt for her, so she didn't have to. She didn't deserve this. He felt his stomach twist up, knowing what he was about to tell Spike. Harmony had gone to look for him to tell him Angel wanted him. They'd always have some tension between them. Too much had happened over a long period of time for it to ever really go away. But he knew how much Spike loved Kat and he knew this would hit him hard. It had been difficult lying to him for the past two months. He'd mentioned Kat plenty of times and all he'd tell the blonde vampire was that she was okay. Then he'd steer the conversion somewhere else. It felt wrong lying to him. He felt like Spike deserved to know the truth. But he also had gotten Buffy's reasoning for it so he'd kept his mouth shut for her. But now it was time. He tensed as Spike sauntered through his office door, looking impatient and irritated.
"What do you want now? I was about to head out since now I bloody know the HQ is only down the soddin' road," he groused. The two months he'd been wandering around as Casper the bloody ghost, Captain Forehead hadn't told him that the Slayer's were shacked up only a few doors down. It pissed him right off, knowing he could have gone to see his girl at any point. And he'd heard it from bloody Harmony out of the lot of them. Angel had given him a piss poor excuse of 'we didn't know if you'd slip off once we figured out the ghost thing' but Spike didn't buy it. So what if he bloody did? At least he'd get a little extra time with his girl and could maybe help her feel a bit better about his passing. Didn't matter now, though. He was back, flesh and bones. Now he could reunite with her and probably get an earful for leaving her the way he did. He felt bad but he knew she'd forgive him. He'd make it right again. He sat down heavily in the chair on the other side of Angel's desk. Ponce made it big now, the place was worlds away from the hotel he'd been shacking up the last time he'd been to see him. Angel looked tense, opening his mouth a few times before closing it again.
"Spit it out, you tit. I've got better places to be," Spike hissed, ansty to get going. Still, the ponce didn't say anything.
"You know what? Tell me later. Whatever this is can bloody wait. I'm gonna head to Slayer HQ so I can reunite with my girl," he huffed, about to stand up.
"She's not there," Angel blurted, regret and remorse coating his voice. Spike's eyes narrowed a little as he looked at him, staying seated.
"Where is she, then? Off on a mission?" he asked with a sigh. He'd hoped to see her right away, couldn't wait to see her bloody face when she saw him. He figured she was probably going to punch him but then kiss him. He couldn't wait.
"No… Spike… She's never been there," Angel started slowly, looking more than a little uncomfortable. It didn't make sense and Spike blinked at him for a moment before anger and worry started to worm its way into his chest.
"Well, where the bloody hell is she then? Is she dead? Stop draggin' it out and just tell me," Spike growled, fear clutching at his heart.
"She's not dead. But… Spike… She lost her soul," Angel murmured, pain etched onto his face.
Spike felt like someone rammed a rod right through his heart and he sat up straighter, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. No. No, this couldn't happen to her. Not bloody her. She didn't deserve this. He didn't realize he'd voiced those thoughts out loud until Angel answered him.
"I know. Trust me, I know. But Buffy and her girls are working on capturing her and trying to put her soul back. They still have her soul," Angel explained.
"Wait… it doesn't… How in the bleeding hell did she lose it to begin with?" he asked tensely, feeling like a tightly wound coil about to snap. There was an accusing edge to his tone that he couldn't help. Because someone should have been watching her. How could she lose her soul if the others should have been protecting her?
"I think it's best if Buffy tells you the details. I'll take you there now," Angel murmured. Too shocked and feeling fear run rampant inside of him, he didn't have any witty comebacks or nasty remarks and just stood, obediently following the great poof out of the building. He wished it was some kind of sick joke. That Kat had orchestrated it herself because she was pissed off at him for what he'd done. That she'd pop out and have a right good laugh at him. But he knew it wasn't a joke, he could see it all over Angel's sodding face. How cruel was life? He'd given his life to save his one true love, hoping she'd have a long and happy unlife. And then she goes and loses her soul.
He stayed uncharacteristically quiet, following Angel into a building not too different to the previous one. A lot of young girls seemed to mill about and he knew by the scent they were Slayers. Some of them he recognized as the Potentials turned Slayers from Sunnydale. A few even smiled or waved in recognition, looking happy he was back. Some of the others, one's he didn't think he'd met before, were looking at him distrustfully. Not that he blamed them. Their Slayer senses were probably tingling in the presence of two master vampires. They went into an elevator, and before long, Angel had led him to a room that looked like it was previously a boardroom. Buffy was sitting at the head of the table, no one else in sight. She looked a mess. She had dark circles around her eyes and her usually pristine hair was awry. She had this far away look in her eyes and Spike knew how much this would have been eating her up. Angel cleared his throat, snapping Buffy from her thoughts. She looked so lost and confused as she gazed at them both.
"I'll give you two a minute alone," Angel murmured quietly before he left the room and shut the door. Spike didn't hear anymore retreating footsteps though. Of course the Slayers lap dog was going to stand guard outside and eavesdrop. But he couldn't find it in him to care too much.
"Sit down," her voice didn't hold much authority like he was used to from her. She sounded frail and vulnerable, every bit her age in that moment. So he did. Because he knew getting mad at her and pissing her off wouldn't do him any good here. They were on the same side. The fact that Buffy had ordered her girls to capture Kat and not kill her was a testament to that.
"What happened?" he asked warily, his eyes not leaving her as she couldn't look at him. Her brows knit together in an anguished frown as she shook her head.
"Spike…" she trailed off, her voice cracking. But he'd had enough of being fobbed off. Been told for months his girl was fine and led to believe she was with the Slayer and her little gang and it had been a lie. He just wanted the truth.
"Slayer," he growled in warning, his eyes conveying how close he was to snapping if people didnt start talking. Buffy took a deep inhale and he saw her try to gather her strength.
"It happened right after… you died. We got out and Sunnydale was nothing but a hole. I left her for a minute. It wasn't long. But when I got back to the bus, she was gone. We found her bracelet at the bus shelter. It wasn't broken, just… taken off," she explained tensely.
"That doesn't make a lick of sense. Like she'd let someone just take that thing off her. And she'd hardly take it off herself willing…ly," his words trailed off as it hit him. Because she bloody well would take it off herself for one reason. And it made him feel ill and ice cold, felt like he couldn't bloody breathe which was a novelty for him. Buffy seemed to see the dawning realization on his face and she gave him a sympathetic look.
"We think she took it off because of her grief. We know how hard she takes losing people," she confirmed in a whisper.
So it was his fault then. She was out there, prancing about without her soul doing god knows what and it was all because of him. Thought he was being sodding noble, saving the world, saving the girl. But all he'd done is break her so badly that she'd rather turn into a monster than carry on without him. He was a bloody git.
"How bad is it?" his voice wavered treacherously, his undead heart squeezing hard in his chest that he thought the thing might start beating again. He noticed Buffy's lower lip wobble, how her hands shook as she clasped them together.
"Angelus bad," she lamented, tears starting to glisten in her eyes. Well, fuck.
"Where… Do we know where she is?" he asked, his voice sounding hollow. He'd turned her into Angelus 2.0 and when she came back, it was going to kill her. Every time he'd start to think maybe he did deserve her, he'd find out how very wrong he was.
"Here, in LA. She's fast and chaotic, we can't keep up with her quick enough to capture her. We're waiting for her to slip up so we can get her. There's a special glass cell in the basement we're gonna hold her in until we can soul her up," she sniffled, quickly wiping her eyes. He gathered by special it was probably reinforced by some kind of magic.
"Spike… I… oh god, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault," she muttered before bursting into tears. She covered her face with her hands as sobs wracked her tiny frame. He was at a loss as he just stared at her for a moment. The soul in him was compelling him to stand up and give her a hug, try to comfort her. But they'd never been best buds and he didn't feel like getting a kick to the groin for his troubles. He could just imagine Kat sitting next to him, giving him that firm look that told him to just do it. But he remained unmoving, figuring the Slayer needed her space. Added to that was his blind confusion for her words.
"How is it your fault?" he asked incredulously. She wiped furiously at her face, trying to get herself together but failing.
"I gave you that amulet. I let you wear it. I didn't stop you, I didn't tell Kat about it. I knew there was a chance you'd die in that battle and I let it happen," she wept pitfully. Spike frowned and shook his head.
"You didn't let me wear it. I woulda wore it one way or the other. Not like the great poof out there woulda done it. I knew what I was gettin' into, I knew the risks. And I wanted it to be me. Needed to make up for all I'd done so I finally deserved her. Which I know doesn't make much sense, given the fact I'd be dead… but it made sense to me. I knew it was supposed to be me," he implored, trying to absolve her of her guilt. She had no need to be beating herself up about this. This was all on him. Her green eyes landed on him then, looking so sad and lost. But he knew he was getting through to her, even a little. And she needed to be on top form to deal with Kat.
"Yeah, you gave it to me. And yeah, you didn't tell Kat. But I didn't either. 'Cause we both know how she woulda reacted. I should have told her. I'd made the choice to wear the bloody thing and I should have told her. That's on me. It's not on you," he said vehemently. She watched him for a long moment as she started to calm down and he knew she was getting it. Both of their hands were dirty with this, but his were way worse. Because he'd spent the whole night before with Kat and hadn't told her. Damn well proposed to her, not that anyone else knew about that, making her think they had a future when he knew deep down he probably wasn't going to make it out of this alive.
"Let's hope Kat see's it that way too," she whispered uneasily. He hoped so too. Didn't need them falling out again and he could only imagine how soulless Kat was feeling about the whole thing. There were two ways it could go. Spike had turned his mum after he'd been turned, wanted her to not be sick anymore and to see the world anew like him. Angelus had slaughtered his family after he'd been turned. And given how like her great grandsire she was, it didn't bode well. And he had no idea what she felt about him now. She had no soul, but they had still been able to be linked even when he didn't have one. Not as strong, but still there. But she wasn't like him. He'd always been a bit weird for a vampire. Emotional. Angelus used to love tormenting him about it. There was a humanity in Spike he hadn't been able to shake and he wasn't sure why. But it didn't seem like Kat had that. She could still love him, in a messed up way, or she could hate him and want him dead. And he was dreading either of them, though the latter was far more hurtful for him to think about.
And he sat there then, Angel coming back in after Buffy commanded him. He listened to them telling him what they knew so far. How she'd killed humans and demons alike. Age didn't seem to bother her either, which turned his stomach. Wasn't like he'd never killed kids before. Hadn't mattered to him then. But it did now and he knew when it all came crashing back to her, it would absolutely destroy her. She didn't seem to have a routine. No Modus Operandi. She was scattered, all over the place with no rhyme or reason other than to cause destruction and pain. And he knew this fell on his shoulders. He'd driven her to this. All these deaths were on him and he felt it smother him, the guilt. Tried to save the bloody world and wound up getting more people killed for no reason at all. He felt it eating away at his soul. Every life she took was blood on his hands and he'd make sure to fix it and to help her though the horror that awaited her when she got her soul back. Spike felt sick. The girl didn't deserve this. She was good, pure. She'd done well containing her demon and never had as much as one drop of human blood since being turned. It was a first. The first vampire to completely turn away from their nature from the start. To be reborn with a soul. And he knew it hadn't been easy for her. Even with her soul, she still had to fight the beast within her to not snap and just take her fill of someone's blood. But she did it. She fought and she did bloody well and now it was all undone, wasn't it? 'Cause now she knew what human blood tasted like, it was harder to forget. Harder to go back to animal blood that tasted like swill after having warm fresh human blood, right from the source. Nothing compared and even Spike, with all of his self control and time to adjust, felt his mouth watering at the thought. The guilt gnawed at him deep, making him feel it down to his bones like it was chewing it into dust. Because of him, she'd have a hard time adjusting now, a harder time controlling her demon once she got back to herself. She'd feel the urge more than she'd ever felt it before. Hear the blood calling out to her, screaming her name. It was easier to control when you didn't know what you were missing out on, but now she did. And all that self control she'd tried so bloody hard to get was thrown right out the bleeding window and it was all his fault.
It killed him to know he'd hurt her this much, this deeply, that her only solution had been to get rid of her soul. He knew how much losing her soul had terrified her. Gave her nightmares. It plagued every waking moment of hers to know it could be so easily taken away and she'd done it to her bloody self because of him. So he'd show her. Once she was back here and her soul was where it should be, he'd nurse her back to health and show her that none of this was her fault. That this was because of him. And he knew she wouldn't listen. Girl had issues with guilt as if she was Catholic. But he needed to make her see this was his fault and not hers because he couldn't face the thought of her losing her mind like he and Angel had. Of her being in complete and total anguish as her memories haunted her. Part of him wanted to see if Red could do a memory wipe spell on her to make her forget but he knew it was wrong. Couldn't mess with her mind like that, not after all he'd done to her. And he couldn't risk it going wrong. The witch might be good at what she does, but it didn't mean magic didn't cock up from time to time. He'd have no choice but to watch her spiral into a black hole once she got back but he'd do whatever it took to help her through it until she got it through her pretty little head that this wasn't on her. If he'd never have sacrificed himself, or at least given her a heads up and not blindsided her like he'd done, she'd have never chosen to go down this path and these people would still be living their little lives without a care. Some bloody champion he was.