Spike lurked near the doorway as he watched Kat carefully. It had been a few weeks, 17 days to be exact, and her ramblings had stopped just five days before. He'd have figured that to be a good sign, her mind on the mend and all that. But he wasn't sure if she was better now or worse. She didn't speak at all and he found that far more unsettling than when she'd been babbling on about anything. She was more aware of her surroundings now. If he spoke to her, she'd look at him, obey him if he asked her to do something like drink up her blood. But not one word past her lips. And sometimes she'd get that far away look in her eyes again like she'd drifted off to somewhere else. He wasn't sure what to make of it. Buffy had spoken to him earlier that day, asking him to try and persuade Kat to leave the room. She hadn't left it at all and he'd still been keeping everyone but Buffy and Angel at bay, unsure of how she'd react to them. While this silence was unnerving, he knew it had to be some progress and he didn't want to unravel it. But it had been weeks and he wasn't sure if locking her away was doing her any favors at this point. She'd never go back to normal if she hid away. She had to move past all this in order to go back to normal. He wasn't sure how she'd react to him broaching the subject though.
"Katherine…" he murmured softly as he moved over to the bed where she'd been sitting. Her eyes snapped to him, all wide and looking a little nervous at the use of her full name. He perched on the edge of the bed, trying to look the least intimidating he'd ever been.
"I've been thinkin', pet. I think we should leave the room today. Have a walk around," he suggested carefully, watching as her eyes glanced down to her shaking hands. He didn't explicitly mention about her seeing the others because he didn't need her freaking out. His eyes didn't leave her as she nibbled her lips looking deep in thought.
"Never gonna get better, luv, if you don't leave the room," he gave her a small tight smile and she nodded tensely. She clearly didn't want to, but instead of protesting or shaking her head no, she obediently got up.
Glad he didn't have a fight on his hands, he stood up and moved over to the door to wait for her. She didn't bother getting dressed out of pajamas. Instead, she just slipped on a zip up hoodie but left it unzipped, slipping her boots on before walking over to the door. He opened it before holding a hand out for her to hold. He wasn't sure she'd take it. Since she'd become more aware of things, she'd been shying away from his affections and he didn't like it. He wouldn't push her though. She was going through a lot. So he held his hand out, letting her make her mind up if she wanted to take it. And much to his surprise, she did. They slowly walked around and she stuck to him like glue as the eyes of the new Slayers landed on her. They knew better to whisper about her with vampire hearing. She seemed uncomfortable as he gave her the tour of the place and clutched his hand in a death grip. But it was good. She wasn't freaking out, she wasn't running off or even vamping out in the presence of others. He counted it as a win. Once the grand tour was over, there was one room left to take her to. The one with everyone she knew in it. They reached the large wooden double doors of the meeting room and he felt her stiffen next to him as she heard the soft murmurs on the other side.
"You'll be fine, luv. I'm here," he assured softly, giving her hand a squeeze. She looked at him with those wide blue eyes for a long moment and he was just considering taking her back to the room and not subjecting her to this. But then she gave him a resigned nod. He pushed open the doors and everyone went silent as he walked in with Kat in tow. She'd taken her hand back just outside the door and now her hands were stuffed in her hoodie pockets.
"Kat!" Willow beamed, jumping out of her seat to rush over to her. Kat took a quick step back and Willow stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at the spooked girl.
"Not ready for that just yet, Red," he said with a shake of his head. He knew the girl had meant to hug her.
"Oh… Right, of course. I'm glad you're here though, Kat," Willow smiled sympathetically at her.
"We all are," Xander murmured, giving her a relieved smile.
Kat felt tense, eyes darting around as she wondered if Spike would chase her down if she ran off. She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to be anywhere. Her head was a jumble and a mess of all the things she'd done. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to move past something like that. She chewed the inside of her cheek, her eyes never really landing on anyone for too long. Buffy stood, slowly walking over to her.
"How are you feeling?" she asked quietly. Kat shrugged in response. She didn't know how she felt. All she knew was it was nothing good. A weird silence fell over them then at her lack of words and Kat shuffled on her feet. She felt Spike's comforting hand on her back and she shrugged it off, feeling a pain in her chest. When she looked around, she noticed not everyone was here. It was just Buffy, Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya.
"Look… I speak for all of us here when I say that… we forgive you, Kat. For all of it. It wasn't your fault," Buffy implored. Kat's eyes narrowed a little as she listened to the words and everyone murmured in agreement. This was too much. She didn't want to be here. She quickly turned around and gave Spike a pleading look. He gave her a small nod in response.
"Think she's tired herself out after the grand tour. I'm gonna take her back," he murmured. She didn't wait for the others to speak as she headed for the door and Spike followed after her.
The walk to their room was silent as she stewed on Buffy's words. They didn't make sense and they made her feel dirty and all kinds of wrong. By the time they got to their door, she was angry and upset and she felt it bubbling over into boiling inside of her. Without a word to Spike, she turned on her heels and started marching back towards the meeting room. The top floor rooms were reserved for the main group and the big meeting room was up there too.
"Kat? Where are you going?!" Spike called after her, rushing along to walk with her. She didn't answer him, her steps purposeful and hurried. She was just glad he didn't try to stop her. She slammed the doors open and they smacked into the wall, shocking the others in the room as their wary eyes turned to her.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" she bit out, her voice raw sounding from not speaking for so long. They all looked shocked, whether it was at her words or that she'd spoken at all, she didn't know.
"What?" Buffy asked, standing up again as she looked at her with a mix of pity and sadness.
"You've all just forgiven me for all I've done. Why?" she asked coldly. She was trying her hardest to keep her emotions at bay but it was hard. She felt like a freshly turned vampire all over again with the lack of control she felt. She'd worked so hard to keep herself in check but letting her demon take the wheel had undone all of it.
"Because it wasn't your fault," Willow piped up softly from where she sat.
"But it was my fault, I did those things," her voice cracked as her walls started tumbling down around her.
"It wasn't you, Kat," Spike frowned, moving closer to the table so she could see him. She scoffed and shook her head, feeling tightly wound and like she was about to explode,
"So we're all just gonna pretend that I didn't murder a bunch of innocent people? Innocent kids? We're just gonna… gonna sweep it under the rug like it never happened?" she asked incredulously as her voice grew shrill.
"Kat-" Buffy started, a frown on her face.
"No! Just… Just stop it!" she yelled tearfully, clenching her trembling hands.
"Just be real with me! I know not all of you are happy with how things went down. I know you're not comfortable with just acting like nothing happened!" she demanded and her eyes landed on Xander. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as her blue hues bore into him.
"Come on, tell me how it is. Don't sit there and lie to me like a goddamn coward!" she hissed, making him narrow his eye in anger.
"You really want the truth?" he asked bitterly and she nodded. She did want the truth because she couldn't deal with all this nicey nice crap they were pulling. She'd done horrific things and she deserved them to be upset with her, to shout at her. She deserved way more than that. She didn't deserve a free pass with this.
"Fine! You were a monster, okay?! You went out and hurt people because you got a kick out of it and it made me sick. I wanted to put you down!" Xander admitted angrily.
"Watch your soddin' mouth, boy!" Spike growled, his face turning murderous as he glared at Xander.
"Leave it, Spike. I wanna hear this. What about you, Will? Are you happy with just pretending this didn't happen?" she asked heatedly, turning her burning gaze to the red head. Willow stammered for a moment, her eyes wide as she looked panicked.
"It-It wasn't your fault," she muttered with a shake of her head.
"I killed a witch, you know? She was only about 17. I didn't kill her because I was hungry or because she did something to piss me off. I did it because I could and I liked it," Kat seethed, unaware her eyes were shifting from blue to gold as she hung on to her control by a thread. Spike made a move towards her but she took one back, ignoring the hurt look all over his face. She was staring at Willow who looked pained by her words, looking down as Tara held her hand.
"And you, Buff? I mean, you're the Slayer, right? Did it make you feel good having me run around soulless like that? Did you enjoy me choking the life out of you?" she asked harshly. Buffy's face hardened and she squared her shoulders.
"Of course I didn't, but I still forgive you, Kat," she said firmly. She scoffed, moving her eyes to Spike then who was watching her apprehensively.
"Were you proud of me, Spike? Did you enjoy hearing all the things I was doing to people? Was gaining your soul worth it for a monster like that?" she asked sharply.
His top lip curled into a snarl as he took a step towards her, looking pissed off and hurt.
"It'll always be worth it and you're not a monster," he hissed at her. She laughed mirthlessly, wiping at her eyes furiously.
"You should have listened to Xander, you should have just put me down," she lamented.
"Don't you say that!" Spike growled, his blue eyes glinting dangerously.
"What? It's true! So many people died! And why? It was pointless. You all keep saying how this wasn't my fault but it is. I didn't lose my soul because someone stole it or something happened to me. I chose to take it off! I chose to take it off because it hurt too much. And I could have ended it. I could have killed myself and the pain would have stopped but I was too much of a fucking coward. I knew if I did, I'd wind up in hell and I was scared. So instead, I took off my soul knowing what would happen. I chose my life, knowing I'd be a monster, over the lives of innocent people!" she yelled tearfully.
"You wouldn't have done it if I hadn't sacrificed myself," Spike frowned, looking more despondent than angry now.
"And losing your soul wouldn't have even been an option if I hadn't turned you into a vampire in the first place. You didn't even want to be one, Kat. That's on me. All of this started with me," Buffy admitted sorrowfully. Kat shook her head vehemently.
"I still could have made a better choice. I chose to lose my soul instead of die. That's on me. And I don't want to sit here and act like nothing happened, like I didn't kill all of those people," Kat wept, wiping at her eyes again.
"How many times do I have to say it? It wasn't you. Yeah, you made the choice, but everything that happened after wasn't you. Do you hold everything I did over my head? The crap I did before I got souled or bloody chipped? Do you think Angel's responsible for all the stuff he did as Angelus?" Spike asked pointedly.
Her mouth clamped shut as she looked away. She didn't hold them responsible for the things they did as she'd always seen them without a soul as different people. But it didn't feel right to think of herself the same way.
"Look, you don't want us to just get over it? You don't want us to pretend it didn't happen? Fine, we won't. But it doesn't mean we don't forgive you, Kat. We all know you better than that, you're one of the nicest, sweetest people we know. We know you didn't do any of it willingly, you'd never do those things," Xander said firmly. She shrunk in on herself a bit as her tears started again.
"I… I killed people, Xander," she lamented, shaking her head.
"I know," he whispered sadly. She felt Spike wrap his arms around her then as she started to cry. She felt weighed down and heavy by everything she'd done. Part of her knew it wasn't really her but she still remembered it all as if it were. Spike passed her off to Buffy then who held her tightly.
"I can't even imagine how hard this is for you, Kat. But no matter what, we love you and we do forgive you. You don't need to dwell on everything. It happened and it's time to move on. Then you can start to do good again with us," she implored through her own tears. She wanted to listen to Buffy's words but it was so hard when the memories of so much blood were still consuming her. They both wiped their eyes as they parted from each other.
"T-Things will get better," Tara spoke up quietly for the first time, looking at Kat with a pitying smile. Kat sniffled with a tense nod. Only time would help her with this one. Feeling exhausted and mentally drained, she let Spike lead her from the room for real this time.
When they got to their room, she sat on the bed heavily with a large sigh and Spike sat next to her.
"I hate everyone being so nice to me. I'm a monster," she frowned tiredly.
"I know you won't listen and I'll say it now and 'til the end of bloody time. It wasn't your fault. You've gotta make peace with it, pet. You'll never be able to move on if you don't. Me and Peaches… we went through the same thing. Wasn't exactly the same, but I know what it's like," he murmured, taking her hand and holding it in both of his. She didn't pull away this time. She'd been a little distant with him, feeling undeserving of his affection. But now she was too tired and sad to fight it.
"Oh god, Angel," she lamented, lowering her head. "I need to go speak to him," she sighed, moving her hand out of Spike's as she stood up. Spike stood up too but she held a hand out to stop him.
"Alone," she added carefully. He squinted at her a bit, not looking happy about it.
"Why can't I come?" he huffed.
"I treated him worse than anyone, Spike. I took away his soul. I need to speak to him and I think it's better I go on my own," she admitted. She felt self hatred rear its ugly head again at the memories. Spike sighed, not looking happy about it, but he nodded and sat back down.
"I'll wait here for you then, luv," he acquiesced. She gave him a sad but grateful smile as she moved to the closet to get her clothes. She got dressed quickly and Spike halted her before she made it to the door. He grabbed her wrist, tugging her until she collided with his chest.
"I love you," he murmured softly into her hair. She relaxed into him, feeling his words soothe her but make her guilt worse.
"I love you too," she replied before she moved away. He looked so happy at her words and she realized she hadn't said it since he'd died. She gave him another smile before she slipped out of the door and out of the HQ, making her way into the cooler night air.
She walked into Wolfram and Hart, taking the elevator up to the floor of Angel's office. When she stepped out, she glanced around as people milled around the place. She made a beeline for Angel's office but a high pitched voice stopped her.
"Excuse me miss, you can't just go in there!"
Kat turned around, only to see Harmony of all people sitting behind the desk.
"Oh, it's you. Well… you still can't just barge in there," Harmony huffed. Kat's eyes darted from the blonde and then to Angel's office only a few feet away from her. Part of her just wanted to go right in there and get this over with but this was Angel's place of work. She didn't want to interrupt a meeting or anything. She was coming to make amends with him, not piss him off.
"Can you tell him I'm here to see him please," she asked quietly, stuffing her hands in her pockets again. Harmony blinked at her for a moment before picking up her phone.
"Hey, boss. Yeah, Kat's here to see you," she muttered down the phone before hanging up. Not even a second later, Angel's door flew open. He looked surprised to see her up and about like this and she gave him a sheepish smile.
"Think you can pencil me in?" she asked wryly, but her voice still shook as her emotions started to flare. He nodded dumbly, quickly moving out of her way so she could go inside. She walked over to the chair in front of his desk as she shut the door and moved to sit behind it.
"I… How…You're better?" he stumbled over his words as he looked at her like he was seeing a ghost.
"Mostly," she nodded, clearing her throat as she felt the lump expand. Memories of her time with Angelus plagued her and it made her feel sick with guilt. She opened her mouth to speak, but instead, a choked sob left her lips and she covered her mouth quickly. She saw through blurred eyes as he moved around his desk, kneeling in front of her.
"It's okay, Kat," he soothed, taking both of her hands in his.
"It's not! I stole your soul, Angel. I don't deserve to be forgiven for that," she wept softly, her lower lip wobbling.
"You weren't in your right mind. And no matter what you think, I forgive you anyway," he smiled hesitantly at her.
"How can you forgive me for doing that to you?" she asked incredulously through her tears.
"Because I know what it's like, I know what you're going through. Spike gets it too but… he's not like us. He's not that different without a soul. But me and you… we're the same. So I know what you're going through and I know how hard it is to shoulder that guilt," he murmured as his thumbs stroked her hands.
"When does it go away?" she sniffled, looking at him feeling so lost and hopeless. He sighed, giving her a sad look.
"Honestly, it doesn't. But you should do what I do, and use it to make you a better person. To help other people. We can't take back the things we've done, we can't ever make it better. But we can try to be better people and do our hardest to make up for it," he implored, his tone coated in conviction. It did make her feel a little bit better that she wasn't alone in this. He wasn't wrong about Spike. While he understood to a degree, Spike was nowhere near as evil without his soul as she and Angel were. And if she could forgive Angel for all he'd done as Angelus, then maybe she could find it in herself to forgive herself some day.
"Thank you, Angel. For being such a good friend," she murmured, giving him a watery smile. He moved up to hug her tightly and she sunk into him.
"It's what I'm here for. You know I'll always make time for you, Kat," he replied sweetly before moving away.
When she got back to her room, Spike was fast asleep in bed. He looked so soft when he slept and a little smile crept on her lips. She felt bad though. She hadn't been sleeping much since all of this and she knew he hadn't either, not wanting her to be awake all alone. She got back into her pajamas before she just watched him looking peaceful for a moment. She still couldn't wrap her head around the fact he was back. She'd found out when she was all evil Kat and when she'd come back to herself, it was like finding out all over again. When she hadn't been in her right mind after her soul got put back, she hadn't believed it was really him. How could it have been? She'd seen the state of Sunnydale, he was dead. But he really was here, somehow brought back from the dead. And it only hurt more. 19 days was all he was gone for before he was back as a ghost. She knew because while she'd been loopy and not talking, he'd done nothing but talk to her to try and get her to respond. All she had to do was wait 19 days and he would have come back. It had all been so pointless. She wanted to move on from it like Angel said, and do some good once more. She was no good to anyone, locking herself in her room and feeling sorry for herself. She had to believe it would get better so she could go back to her life of saving people and hunting bad things. And Spike was back here with her. He'd been given another chance and so had she. She couldn't waste it like that. She had to try and honor her victims by vowing to be better, to be good. To do the best she could to help other people from suffering the same fate they had. She climbed into bed and Spike rolled over, opening his bleary eyes as he looked at her.
"How'd it go?" he asked sleepily. He looked adorable with his hair everywhere and his tired eyes.
"Better than expected," she admitted quietly, moving over to snuggle him. His arms wrapped around her with no hesitation and it made her chest feel warm.
"Thank you for not giving up on me," she whispered as she closed her eyes. She meant the words whole heartedly. He'd done nothing but take care of her since she'd been resouled, never left her side once. Even when she'd been soulless and trying her hardest to provoke him, he'd not given up on getting her back.
"I'd never give up on you, pet," he replied sleepily, holding her tighter. She couldn't change the things she'd done, she couldn't hop into a time machine and do things differently. But she could make a change now and she would.