A/N A very late 2020 Secret Santa Fic for EasternViolet via Cheeky Monkeys that I forgot about!. Happy Winter Season!
It's love's illusions that I recall
I really don't know love
Really don't know love at all
-Both Sides, Now - Joni Mitchell
Love's Illusion
"Maker, Cullen, he's so sweet. Like, too much sugar in my tea, sweet. Shouldn't I appreciate that?" Kari twirled a stray lock of long, chestnut-colored hair as she watched for a tell. "I mean, most women swoon over Fairbanks, right?" Come on, Cullen, twitch for me.
He raised his head and fixed her with a stare. "Why in the Maker's name would I know that, Kari?"
Because you know everything! "Well," she said, "those same women swoon over you. I thought you might like to have some input here. Wouldn't you?" Take the damn bait…
He took a deep breath, then released it. "No."
Her cheeks flushed at his indifference. "Throw me a bone, will you?"
"You have plenty of people with whom to discuss your burgeoning romance. I'm sure Dorian is a far better confidant and advisor."
"I love Dorian, and he always gives good advice, but he is the biggest blabbermouth in Skyhold, next to Sera. You are different. You're honest, discreet, and I very much value your insight. Have you no opinion whatsoever?"
"My opinion doesn't matter." He stepped away from his desk and swiped at a single bead of sweat sliding down his temple. "What do you think about him? Is he worth your time? Is he morally decent? Or is he just looking for-"
"A quick shag?" she said, smirking at the thought.
Cullen turned three shades of crimson. "Maker's breath, Kari. Must you be so crude?"
"Oh, come on, Cullen, don't act so innocent. I know better," she said with a wink. "To be honest, I don't think that's what he wants. He seems to be pursuing me. What else would you call asking me to a candlelit dinner and a stroll along the battlements at sunset afterward?"
"If you don't want to go, just tell him so." With a slash of his hand through the air, he said, "Best to be blunt about these things."
Kari moved a little closer to him, mainly to read his facial expressions, but also because she tingled all over when he was close to her. "But I do want to go. He's got that sexy scar over his eye and those blue eyes," she said, gesturing towards her face. "And that dreamy Orlesian accent. Oh my," she said, fanning herself. " Maybe if I push him...
"Again, my opinion doesn't matter."
"But it does. To me. Honestly, no man has ever been so attentive and charming with me." She watched as Cullen's expression changed at that moment. A combination of brow furrowing, grimacing, and a flash of hurt appeared at once. "You don't think he's worthy of my time, do you? Well, then who is?"
His lips parted to speak, but no words came out. Turning his back to her, he went to his desk and sat down. "Why are you so unsure? Here you are, an engaging woman afraid of nothing and no one most days, but this man is making you into a dithering adolescent."
"Wow, don't hold back, Cullen." It's all your fault, you idiot! "Tell me what an ass I am one more time."
"I'm sorry." Cullen pushed some paperwork around. "That is not what I meant at all. I just think you are practiced enough to handle a simple dinner date." He snatched a paper from the pile with a forced smile. "Now, if there is nothing else, I have hours of work left to do."
"Practiced? Is that supposed to be a compliment? You are so bloody insensitive right now I could slap you!" An exhausted moan escaped her as she plopped herself into a chair. "Can't you see how anxious I am about this?"
"Yes, and I am not being insensitive." An unreadable stare gradually turned affectionate. His shoulders relaxed from his stiff posture. "I understand far more about you than you think. And I worry more about our Inquisitor than anyone realizes. But you have to understand that my duties here often blind me to the needs of the people who require my time the most."
"But I'm not speaking to you as Inquisitor, damn it. This is personal. You're my best friend, and…" Her voice crackedstraightforwardI have no one else, damn it."
He wasn't sure how to proceed, how to transform his smile, but he had to—he wanted his smile to relay his thoughts. "Kari, you… confound me sometimes. One day you have everything in order, and another day, you're unstoppable and fearless. And then the next, you barely have a grip on things. Is it me? Or am I not understanding something here? Honestly, do you think I am being obtuse?"
"Andraste's ass, Cullen! You are the definition of obtuse! Contemplate this while I'm out with Fairbanks," she spat. "Think about the trip to Skyhold where you nursed my injuries, every chess game we played when I kicked your butt, all the times we spent planning and talking by candlelight. I could go on, but that should at least spark something in that dense skull of yours!" She stomped towards the door.
"Wait, Kari, please," he pleaded. "I don't pretend to understand any of what you said just now, but I will reflect on all of it, believe me."
"Well, huzzah for you," she deadpanned. Stubborn, foolish, jackass! "And because I know you like to gossip as much as the next Fereldan, I'm coming back tomorrow to tell you every last word spoken tonight," she said in a decisive voice. "Whether you care to hear it or not."
"Of course, I care." He smiled with a gentle gaze, giving away much more than he realized. "All right then. Yes." Her fit of pique seemed to do the trick. "I want you to share all the scintillating details with me at the Herald's Rest just after sunrise, and I'll give you all my witty and wise commentary on your evening with the Orlesian spy. I can hardly wait for the morning!" he chirped with feigned glee.
"All right, enough BS for one day. But the Herald's Rest?" Safety in numbers, dammit. "You want to discuss this there? With all those people around?"
"Do you have something to hide, Kari?"
"No... Nothing. Well, at least not at the moment." With newfound confidence and a twinkle in her eye, she said, "Okay, it's a date then."
He looked away, dipping his head. "Um, date? I mean, it's not… well, I suppose-"
"Fine! Call it a meeting, or a political vis-à-vis, or whatever you want. Maker, it's just an expression."
"Right. Right." He nodded and moved to open the door for her. " I will see you in the morning then."
She wanted to hug him, to feel his arms hold her in a firm embrace, but she couldn't summon the courage to lean into him, not just yet. "Make sure you get some sleep, Cullen. You're looking a little pale and unnerved."
"I will," he said in a whisper. "And thank you for caring about my welfare."
Kari smiled sweetly and left his office with a slight skip in her step. Tomorrow, Cullen. Tomorrow.
An hour after Kari had left, Cullen was still sitting at his desk, applying as much logic as he could to figure out everything she had said to him earlier. Was it possible that she had feelings for him, more than friendly feelings? Had he been blind to it for all this time? Damn Inquisition is making me into an addle-brained buffoon.
Just then, the door busted open with a loud thud. "Bonjour, Commander Rutherford," Fairbanks said with great enthusiasm. He handed Cullen a report on the Dales and stood in front of his desk. "Here is the report you asked for yesterday."
"Thank you. You are always a reliable source of intel."
"Merci, Commander," he said with a bow. "May I trouble you a moment?"
"Of course." You Orlesian scoundrel. "What's on your mind?"
"Would you have a few minutes to help me with a small matter of the heart?" he asked as he got comfortable in the oversized, cushioned chair in front of Cullen's desk.
Why is he coming to me, of all people? Ahh... It had hit him. So he doesn't know I spoke to Kari earlier. This could be entertaining. Or possibly disastrous. "Why would you think I have any expertise on that particular topic?"
"I respect your opinion, Commander."
"Thank you." Cullen knew Fairbanks had always held the Commander in high esteem. Not only his battle prowess but his integrity and honesty. "I appreciate your candor, Fairbanks."
Fairbanks nodded. "You are a man of mystery around here. The women fawn over you like you're a wayward puppy. Is that not so?"
"I wouldn't quite agree with that assessment," Cullen said with an uneasy demeanor. "Women tend to like men who have animal qualities in them, like a lion that's looking for souls to devour."
"Not so for the subordinate sheep," Fairbanks said, hesitant to counter.
"And is that how you see yourself?" Because that's what you are. Cullen felt he had the upper hand there.
Fairbanks crooked a half-smile. "It's easy to judge a man when you haven't walked a mile in his shoes."
Fair enough. Cullen cleared his throat. His expression was apprehensive, but he spoke softly. "In any case, I am far from the first person you should speak with about matters of the heart."
"Well, I have spoken with some of her companions, but oddly enough, I fear they are, for the most part, not supportive of my interest in her."
Cullen shuffled the days' paperwork around on his desk, searching for a letter that didn't exist. "Apologies. Who are we talking about? Cassandra or Leliana?"
"Why Karina, of course," Fairbanks said, seemingly taken aback by Cullen's ignorance. "You and she are the closest of friends, or so I'm told. Perhaps you can enlighten me as to what she might find appealing in a man, such as myself, who would like to woo her."
"'Woo her'? She's not…." Wooable, he thought, shuddering at the silly word he'd probably heard Sera say. "Kari prefers decisive, confident men who don't need to fall back on the romantic notions of wooing. She's a fighter, a rascal, and, shall we say, un peu gauche," he said in his best Orlesian accent. "And, she has no time for nonsense. She is quite candid."
"I was hoping you could offer me some straightforward, honest advice." Fairbanks paced again, but this time, he kept his gaze on Cullen, perhaps looking for a sign of weakness. "Her companions were a tad cagey."
"Not surprising," Cullen said, with a grin. "They are fiercely protective of their Inquisitor. She is their family in a way."
"Oui, I am aware of their presumed familial ties." Fairbanks paced the floor, gesturing with his hands. "The impression I was left with after speaking to Dorian was that she is quite the romantic at heart and would love to be showered with rose petals, sunsets, and poetry."
"I think Dorian might have been projecting a bit." A chuckle came from him, although there was some hopelessness within its amusement.
"Well, Varric is close to her, and he told me Karina is a light sleeper due to her worries. He also said she wishes she didn't have to leave Skyhold as much as her duties require," he said with concern in his voice. "She would like to settle down to a quiet life with a man she loves. I think I could be that man."
Cullen's laughter bellowed off the stone surrounding them at that ridiculous statement. "Varric must truly dislike you," he said, unable to keep a straight face. "If you believe anything her companions tell you, good luck. You're going to need it."
"I disagree, Commander. And now, I'm not so convinced you truly know Karina. Perhaps you only see her as the Inquisitor, a strong-willed woman who wields daggers like a demon and protects those who cannot fight for themselves. But she has a softer side, an almost naïve innocence that defies all logic. Not to mention her little quirks, like her constant knuckle cracking and toe-tapping, or when she scratches-"
"-her nose with her pinky when she's thinking? Or when she raps her fork incessantly on the plate after she's done eating? Or how about the shiny piece of obsidian she keeps in her pocket for good luck? Sure, she has some odd behaviors, but there is more to her than that. She is easily hurt, has too much affection for her subjects and friends, and regularly cries over every nug and bunny accidentally killed by Dorian's fireballs. And her often crude sense of humor could give Sera a run for her coin, but that is just a guise to make her appear harder than she is. I could go on and on, but yes, Fairbanks, I truly know Kari. Which, by the way, is her preferred name. Not Karina." Cullen took a deep, cleansing breath, not content with himself nor the rant.
Fairbanks stood, a quizzical look on his face. "Commander, I have a feeling you care for her much more than you let on." He stood face to face with Cullen. "Am I stepping on your toes? Is that what's causing your hostile demeanor?"
"What? Not at all. And that is very pompous of you, by the way." Fairbanks had something right, at least. Damn this man, Cullen thought. "Look, fortune favors the bold, Fairbanks. Make your move or admit defeat."
"She's not something to conquer, Rutherford," he said, quite offended by his characterization of Kari. "She's a woman on the verge of blossoming, like a butterfly, ready to spread her wings." Fairbanks gazed off for a moment, and that had Cullen rolling his eyes. "But she is somewhat intimidating, yes?"
"She can be," he said. I suppose she is, especially when you watch her in combat. Intimidating, Cullen mused. Maybe that's why I haven't figured out where her feelings lie. Hmmm… He found it impossible to be dishonest with Fairbanks, but he'd be cursed if he let Fairbanks treat her in any way Cullen found unfair or untoward. "She needs to be treated with tenterhooks. She is not always as confident as she seems, but it's mostly a defensive tactic or tool she uses with some people."
"Some people?" he asked with great unrest.
Cullen was happy he struck a nerve. "Well, yes. Those she does not completely trust." Why it had taken this man, of all men, to make him see the truth and depth of his feelings was beyond his thoughts. He resolved not to let Fairbanks court Kari without telling her how he felt first.
"Then help me, Commander. Please help me ease her burdens and show her another side to all the bloodshed and strife we witness daily. I want to see her smile because of something silly and romantic, not because we killed every red Templar in Thedas."
Good idea that. Cullen was done, though, and he had no patience for this man anymore. "Maker, Fairbanks, what can I possibly tell you? You deal with all the sorrows in our world, too. How do you cope?"
"Well, je ne sai pas," he said, as a matter of course. "Er, I don't know. Maybe an evening of relaxation will calm her nerves. No talk of war and death."
"There you have it then. So go, Fairbanks." Cullen stood to shake his hand and said, "Do your best to make the night pleasant."
"Merci, Commander. I appreciate your open discourse." With that, he offered a short bow and left.
Thank the Maker he's gone. But what have I just done? I've condoned their entire evening! But even within that pessimistic thought, more confident ones crept into his mind. In all those meetings she'd mentioned, all those moments, he now realized the warmth in her voice and the tenderness of her touch. During chess matches, the flirtations were, at the time, a sort of mocking torment on her part. He was so wrong. Never in all his life had he felt so foolish. He imagined holding her tight, feeling her press against him, comforting her, and keeping her safe. The thoughts continued to wash over him until he envisioned kissing her with all the ferocity that had been lurking beneath the surface of their relationship. This has gone on far too long. I will have to make amends tomorrow. No question.
As Always, Kari arrived early for the date at the Herald's Rest. Now, she regretted the entire evening with Fairbanks. Why would she try to make Cullen jealous? It hasn't worked for months, so why would it now? What is wrong with me? I know how I feel about Cullen, so why can't I just tell him? He's everything I want in a man, and I'm just a bossy, crude jackass when he's around. And why hasn't Dorian told me how I should approach all of this. Maker, when I get him alone, I'm going to take his staff and-
"Ah, Inquisitor, such a pleasure to see you again." Fairbanks broke through her internal struggle with a cheerful entrance.
"Oh, thank you, Evariste. Or should I call you Fairbanks?"
"Either name is fine." He sat and made himself comfortable, then leaned in to speak. "You're looking as lovely as ever tonight, Inquisitor."
"Oh, You flatter me too much. But please, call me Kari," she said with a shy smile. "So, Evariste or Fairbanks? I feel like Fairbanks is what everyone calls you around Skyhold." Best not to get too cute with his name.
"Oui. Alors, then call me Fairbanks."
She nodded and continued with nervous chatter, not particularly interested in a personal discussion. "So, give me a few suggestions so I can converse in and understand your language." She was eager to learn if for no other reason, to speak with merchants from Orlais to make sure they weren't trying to cheat her with overpriced goods. "Teach me some simple phrases in your language."
"Alors, here are a few words that you need to know. Oui. Non. Alors. Yes. No. So."
"Okay, I got that down already," she said, bored already.
"Good is bien, parse que is because, and mal is bad," he said, with an air of importance.
"What else? Any common phrases like 'How much does it cost?'"
"Quel et le prix, but more such phrases would be a long lesson. Is that what you want?"
Ohh, mental note made. "No, not really. I want to get to know you. Not your language or culture."
"Oh, well, then, to know me means divulging my past? Oui?"
"Oui," she said with confidence.
"I think you know the bulk of it already. During the War of the Lions, the pavilion served as a shelter for displaced refugees. The torches inside were enchanted, but you lit them, solved the puzzle, and helped us on our journey. I became an agent for you, and so ends the story. The Freemen of the Dales were quite the thorn in our side."
Yeah, yeah. Tell me something I don't know already. "And I'm so glad to have helped you all. You certainly deserved it." She sipped her cider, thoughts of Cullen running through her head. How will she handle him tomorrow? What would she say? Go ball's out and lay it on the line?
"I've seen much misery among the Orlesians, hidden away in their wealth and shelter."
"I'm sorry if my discovery was hard for you to process." Is he questioning my decision? Ass.
"I thought you should know about your heritage. I thought it was best."
"Of course it was! You did me a great service. And I am indebted to you more than you know." Fairbanks then assumed quite the cocky posture. "My skill set has been a wonderful asset for your Inquisition. I am the best at what I do. Of course, the road was long and paved with danger and uncertainty, but I never wavered…."
On and on he went, and Kari's mind began to drift.
She knew Fairbanks continued to impress Cullen. He'd settled in a modest but well-appointed house close to the Dales, and dedicated at least half of his grandfather's treasury to helping people rebuild their lives after the war. Noble of him. Still, she couldn't stop thinking of Cullen. He was not cocky about his past. Or his future. He let his conquests speak for themselves, never having to brag about successes.
And, of course, Leliana was suspicious of Fairbanks' actions. "Lord Evariste Lemarque?" she'd said with some contempt. "I would like to see how he fares at court. The Game is ruthless, and even its best players often falter. And a forest-dwelling loner? He'll be butchered. " Was he not skilled in sneaking and roguish behavior? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Josephine had said, "A rebel helping the helpless? Fighting the enemies of the empire? And all the while hiding the secret of his noble blood! It makes for a romantic story, and Orlesians love their romance. Sell Lord Evariste right, and we'll have all the wealthy ladies of southern Orlais eating out of his hand, and ours." Of course she would think that way. Always willing to use a person for the Inquisition's gain. Then again, it was a smart and profitable idea.
Fairbanks's voice broke through her thoughts. "To be honest, that made me fall for you all the more."
Her eyes narrowed, then widened in response to his revelation. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Your captivating voice, your star-dusted green eyes, the beautiful curve of your lips. So many enthralling features. Tell me of something fiercer than the love with which I gaze upon you, of something softer than the tenderness with which I hold you." Pleased with his poetic soliloquy, he took her hand in his. "Karina, you must have sensed my feelings for you all these months. Tell me you feel the same."
"I, uh, well, you caught me off guard. I'm not sure how to respond, Fairbanks."
"Karina... I mean, Kari... You are enchanting in every way. I would very much like to court you if you are amenable to the idea."
"Oh please. I'm difficult in every way. Why even pursue me? I'm more of a pain than a cure for what ails you."
"I disagree, and everyone who meets you seems to fall in love with you in one way or another. I am no different."
"Fairbanks, I didn't expect to hear anything at all like that tonight. I thought we were going to have a relaxing evening getting to know one another, not a love fest, for Maker's sake."
"I apologize if I've overstepped, but I love you and could not wait any longer to say so."
"Surely you don't know what love is," she asserted. "I certainly don't."
"I know my own heart, and it's telling me you are the woman I want to marry, to spend my life with, to bear my children."
"Oh, for love of… I have no intention of bearing your babies, or anyone else's!" She was about to storm off, but his shoulders slumped, and he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
"I see." His brows knitted together, his eyes casting downward. "I am very disillusioned with this turn of events. I truly thought we were like-minded, kindred souls. Ah, romantic notions can break the heart in the end."
As glad as she was the evening was drawing to a close, she did have a pang of guilt for using the date to try to make Cullen jealous. "I feel terrible about this. Perhaps it's my fault. I shouldn't have accepted the dinner date." Then again, all's fair in love and war.
"No. Not your fault. I take full responsibility for the foolhardiness of my actions."
"I should go," she said. It's quite late, and I have an early morning appointment." She rose from her chair and reached into a pocket to pay for her portion of the meal. Fairbanks tried to wave it away while placing some coins on the table. "I insist. And please know I am still your friend, that is if you still want to be friends."
He grabbed her hand as she dropped a few coins on the table, startling her. "I would like to remain friends. But my visits here will be scarcer in the coming months. You understand?"
"Yes," was all she said, as he still held her hand firmly.
"Before you go, I have a truth to tell you. I cannot, in good faith, keep it hidden from you now."
"A truth?" she asked, wondering how much more he intended to confess. "About what?"
His face paled a bit as he said, "As much as it pains me to say, I believe Cullen Rutherford has feelings for you that outweigh my own. He truly loves you. It is obvious to me, and I hate to admit it, but he seems so enamored that I feared I could not compete. That is why I was compelled to tell you my feelings tonight, but that strategy failed miserably."
Whoa, I can't believe what he just said. Controlling the giddiness rising in her was as tricky as not bolting straight out the door to Cullen's chambers to shake him awake. All right, get it together, Kari. "Thank you for telling me, Fairbanks." She squeezed his hand once and pulled away. "You're a good man, and I know you'll find the right woman someday."
"Oui, Mademoiselle." He turned his head and stared at the far end of the room. "May fortune and good health follow you in the days to come."
"And you, Fairbanks," she said, walking away from the table. She was off to wake Dorian from his beauty sleep and did not give a fig how angry he'd be.
The next morning, she found Cullen in a quiet corner of the Herald's Rest. Only a few people were dining, and they were way out of earshot.
"Good morning, Commander," she said. Her palms were getting sweaty with nerves then, and she must have had a quizzical look on her face because, at that moment, Cullen smiled from ear to ear.
"Cullen is fine, you know. No formalities here just because we are in public." The way he looked at her did not escape her gaze. "Feeling rested?" he asked as he stood to pull out a chair for Kari.
"Thank you," she said, sitting down across from him at a small table. "I'm feeling quite well today. Thank you for asking."
"So tell me of your exciting evening with the Orlesian," he said while passing her a basket of bread. " I understand you were out quite late."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. Past your bedtime, perhaps, but not mine." Damn big mouth serving wenches. "Yes, it was a wild and crazy evening. He practically had me dancing on the tables."
He leaned back in his chair and took a hearty bite of his biscuit. "Oh? Do tell me more."
Something in his tone and demeanor told her he knew every minute of that pathetic date. She decided to get straight to the point while she was feeling bold.
"Well, Fairbanks was every bit the gentleman, somewhat braggy, and very boring, but he told me something about you."
"And what was that? Some old gossip of my days at the Circle in Ferelden?"
"Not at all." She sat straight up and looked deeply into his eyes. "He told me, in no uncertain terms, that you had feelings for me. He was sure of it."
He shifted in his chair, a slight smile creeping out of the corners of his mouth. "Is that so? Well, my feelings of friendship do run deep."
Oh, he's really making me work for this. "No, not friendship. Love. Meaning in love."
Cullen nodded and pondered for a moment. "Well, that was quite presumptuous of him."
"Well, is it true, Cullen? I need to know." Frustration began to well up in her, and she was struggling to hold her tongue. "Because if you can't be honest with me, then our friendship means nothing."
"Perhaps this is a discussion better held elsewhere. Come with me,'" he said, taking Kari's hand and leading her out the door and up to the battlements in silence.
"What in the Maker's name is happening, Cullen?"
"Lovely day isn't it," he said, as they continued to ascend the stairs.
"Yeah, it's ridiculously lovely today," she said, running out of breath. "But what's the answer, damn it? Yes or no?"
"So little patience, Kari."
"So very stubborn, Cullen."
When they finally reached the top, he faced her and took her hands in his. A wayward strand of hair fell over her eye, and he moved it back into place. His hand lingered against her cheek, and she pressed into it. "Kari, I have much to say to you, but I want to do this first."
He brushed his hand along her cheek, and she raised her eyes to meet his. She stared at him for a moment, his passionate gaze making her heart pound. His hands began to move towards the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her hair. Moist lips replaced the hands that had left her cheek, carefully nipping and kissing around her ears and neck.
"Cullen," she whispered into his hair as her eyes snapped shut, immediate desire flowing throughout her body. At that moment, it was as if all of her tensions melted away. The silent worship from a man who had just let her see into his heart overwhelmed her.
She tilted her head back slowly and met his lips with hers. The kiss was needy and intense, low moans transferring from one mouth to the other.
He drew back, but he didn't straighten, keeping his lips mere inches from hers. She studied his expression. There was no hint of triumph or bravado showing on his face. But his hunger was evident, and she felt a craving stir within her.
He sighed a bit and said, "I'm sorry. That was… very nice. Was it too soon?"
"No," she whispered. "Not at all. But I think I need to have another kiss to be sure."
She didn't say another word and kept her eyes fixed on his. Warm hands went to her face and held her steady as he lowered his lips to hers again, sliding hard against her mouth, his tongue plundering. She hesitated for one instant, then kissed him back.
What had started as hungry changed to ravenous. The kiss was a revelation, so bold and full of meaning, so unlike any other kiss she had received from a man. He wanted her, all of her. Not just her body, but her devotion, her love, her heart.
They were breathless, jubilant, needy, both with racing thoughts, frightening and electrifying all at once. The moment was authentic, flawless, and utterly passionate, making it final with no hint of illusion at all.
*Fairbanks' poem
"tell me
of something fiercer
than the love with which
i gaze upon you
of something softer
than the tenderness
with which i hold you."
― Sanober Khan