Chapter Three
FINALLY got another one out. Was a bit distracted by an exam last Saturday. Urgh. But anyway, now we're back. With another emotional one, surprise surprise xD Thought I'd give Cas' Pov a shot for a change. Hope you'll like it!
Okay, jumping in right where we left off.
And alsooooo we're actually having some fanart for this fic. Sadly I don't know how to attach pictures here or if that's even possible but in case you're interested in seeing it anyway you're very welcome to go to my fanart insta bee_fancastic (or if you know if it works here lemme know:)
I'd love to hear your thoughts afterwards!
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"It was how he moved", Cas said, his gaze drifting off into nothingness, fighting not to recall the pictures his tongue was painting, "the way he smiled, how he...touched me. It was all wrong Dean, it was-"
It wasn't anything like what I'd dreamed of. It wasn't anything like it was supposed to be. It wasn't anything like you.
"I know, Cas." He could hear the pain in Dean's voice, could hear how he tried and failed to hold it back. "God, I know."
"But mostly it was his eyes. They were your eyes but...also not."
Cas recalled the moment of realization, the moment he'd met the green he was so used to, but even the colour seemed off, the familiar spark missing, instead there had just been...nothing.
"I took one look at them and instantly knew it wasn't you", Cas told him, and he could actually feel the shift in the air when Dean was shaken by a wave of relief at his words. "Your eyes, they're...warm and inviting and kind. Even when you're angry, then there's pain and worry but- never cruelty. They're never cold and empty like his were. I couldn't stand to look at them, Dean, I-"
A shiver overtook his body, trembling arms coming up to wrap around himself as he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to regain control. Even if it meant the voices in his head had a chance to return with renewed force, the memory of his own voice, pained and begging, Dean's voice and yet not his at all, ringing wrong and cold in his ears.
"Hey." Dean's actual voice, the right voice, cut through the haze, suddenly sounding closer. "Hey. Cas, it's okay. It's over, he's gone. Look at me? If you can, look at me. Please, Cas."
The uncharacteristically pleading tone made Cas' eyes finally refocus, head turning to find Dean kneeling on the floor in front of the chair he'd been sitting in, as if he'd gotten up to come over and stopped himself halfway.
"Look at my eyes now", Dean repeated, nodded encouragingly when their gazes met. "What do they look like now?"
They looked like pain and concern and hardly concealed fury, but Cas wasn't afraid. Because those were just the heavy layer of emotion caused by what lay underneath, an endless stream of care and kindness and- no, Cas didn't dare think the word that came to his mind. Still, it calmed him beyond words to look into those eyes and he allowed himself a moment to get lost in the warm green.
"They look like...you."
"Good." Dean attempted a smile, almost managed not to have it waver. "Good."
And there was something else in his eyes, something bubbling to the surface more and more the longer they stayed like that, staring silently. A longing. A craving. Desperate, chained, swallowed...
"Fuck." Dean broke their eye contact, driving a hand over his face, and Cas had to blink a few times. "I wish I could come over and comfort you right now, Cas, you have no idea. But don't worry, I won't", he added hurriedly when Cas flinched involuntarily (and cursed himself for it), "I won't touch you. Not as long as you don't ask me to."
"I'm sorry." Cas pressed his lips together. "I want to, but I just-"
"It's ok. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault, Cas."
If only I could be sure about that. If only you knew.
What if Lucifer had known? What if he had somehow known that Cas had wanted- had secretly, sinfully fantasized-? What if that was why- why he chose this to-
"I- I'm selfish for even forcing my company on you", Dean ripped him out of his drifting thoughts once more. "If you wanna leave as soon as you're healed...jeez, if you want me to leave for a while, I- just ask and I'll do it." The corner of his mouth twitched, sad but sincere. "Not gonna lie, it will kill me not to know how you are, knowing that I caused all this- but I'm gonna do it. Just say the word."
"No! Dean, no."
It was a strange mixture of feelings rushing through Cas at the thought of Dean leaving. There was a familiar discomfort, the same reluctance to even let him out of his sight he'd gotten used to feeling for years now. There was a new dread underneath, irrational but too strong to ignore, the fear that he wouldn't return, or that he would, but not as himself. And then there was a sick sense of relief, a spark of something he shoved away in disgust. No. He wouldn't allow this to put a strain on the way he felt about Dean, he would not.
"I-I want you here."
It took a bit of effort to get out, but as soon as the words left his lips, he knew they were true, even through the muddled mess twisting in his chest.
"Why?", Dean asked, echoing the tiny voice in the back of his own mind, and to his own surprise, the answer was sitting ready and waiting on the tip of his tongue.
"I know you would never hurt me", he whispered.
"But I did."
There it was, the guilt and the shame Cas had seen lurking under the pain and concern on Dean's face. It made a heavy weight settle over his heart.
"You didn't. He did."
"I could have fought him." Dean pressed his eyes closed, his jaw tightening visibly. "I should have fought him harder, expel him before he could-"
"He's an archangel, Dean. Even you can't take on everything."
"Should've tried harder." Dean shook his head to himself. "But he- as soon as I saw what he was doing, what he was about to do, I just-" His eyes snapped open, finding Cas', suddenly glistening with unshed tears.
"I froze up, Cas", Dean whispered, voice shaky, blinking against the stinging in his eyes. "I couldn't move, I- I was so in shock, I wanted to scream and bite and fight but I- I tried to stop him. But I wasn't strong enough."
"Y-You-"
Cas had to pause, sucked in a breath.
Nonono. He wasn't supposed to- He should have been locked away in his mind, he shouldn't have had to watch, he should- But... Oh God-
"You saw? How much did you see?"
"I-"
"Dean!" He didn't care to keep the panic out of his voice. "How much?"
"Everything."
The small word made all air leave Cas' lungs. How could this be even worse than he thought? How? He'd thought...he'd thought that even if his body wasn't, at least Dean's mind would have been spared, but-
"Cas, I'm so sorry." Dean looked at him with desperate eyes, misreading Cas' shocked silence. "I wanted to look away but he made me watch, he- it's no excuse, I should've found a way-"
"I thought you were locked up in your mind", Cas heard himself mumble through the numbness that had settled like a cloud over the chaos in his head. "I- I never wanted you to see me like that."
Weak and vulnerable. Broken and helpless and humiliated.
"I'm sorry you had to watch that."
"You're sorry? What- Shit, Cas. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Don't I. Maybe not. And yet...
And yet you'll never see me the same way again as you did before, Cas thought to himself, couldn't get the words to pass his lips, too scared to see them confirmed in Dean's eyes.
So he didn't say anything, shifted uncomfortably instead, suddenly hyperaware of his body, every scrape and bruise and cut, every proof of his weakness. The movement caused his wings in the other plane to brush against each other and he hissed in a sudden surge of pain.
"Cas?" Dean's head instantly snapped up, attention focused. "You okay?"
"No." Cas failed to stifle a pained groan. "I don't- don't think so."
"What is it?"
"It's...ah." Cas rolled his shoulders, confirming the pain's source. "I think it's my wings. He must have...reached through the realms somehow to injure them as well."
"You think you got enough mojo left to bring them here?"
"I'm...not sure." Cas reached inside himself, searched for traces of grace with his mind. It wasn't much, but maybe it would do. "But I'll try."
"Okay, okay." Dean looked to the door, shuffling to his feet. "I'm gonna get Sam. He can take a look and-"
"No."
Dean turned his head at the forceful interruption and Cas bit his lip, softening his voice when he continued.
"Dean, stay."
"But someone will have to-"
"You...you do it."
Dean's brow furrowed.
"Me? But Cas-"
"You. Please, Dean."
"You want me to..." Dean shook his head. "I might have to touch them, Cas. And not just...that's your frickin wings, man, I don't think I should-"
The concern was written plainly in Dean's features, but somehow that calmed Cas even more, reinforcing his decision.
"I know what you're thinking. And you're right. I...I'm not unaffected by the thought of you...you know." Cas clasped his hands together, steadying himself. "But you don't understand, Dean. Yes, these are my wings. And I can't just...let anyone touch them. It's not like with our vessels. Wings are...they're not worldly, they're ethereal, part of our true form and I- I can't explain it to you, but please, you're the only one who..." The only one I could share this with. The only one who even comes close. The only one... "-the only one who I'm close enough with", he settled on, hoping it would be enough to make Dean understand. "I love Sam, he's my brother, but it's...it's not the same."
He's not you. Not the focal point of my existence. Not the only thing I ever...wanted. Wanted...want? Want...
"Profound bond shit, huh."
There was a crooked smile on Dean's face, and for a moment he almost looked like his usual self. The Dean he knew and...loved.
"Yes." Cas couldn't help but smile himself. "Something like that."
"Okay... If you're sure."
"I'm not." Cas smiled a small smile. "But we might not have much of a choice."
~oOo~
He couldn't deny the slight uneasiness that settled in his bones once he'd mentioned Dean to sit down on the edge of the bed behind him. He hated it, wanted to will it away, had to content himself with minor success.
Instead, he focused on the remains of his grace, let it surge through his body and into his back, out of this plane and into his wings on the other side to draw them through the veil. A drop of sweat rolled down his temple from the mixed ache in his body and the effort of using power he was barely able to scratch together, but he concentrated and it worked.
He could feel the moment they manifested on this plane, felt a surge of more tangible pain, less dulled but also soothed by the physical form, the coolness of air surrounding the delicate skin under his feathers, the relief of finally being able to stretch them.
Dean escaped a gasp behind him and Cas just hoped it wasn't a sound of horror. He couldn't bring himself to look and find out.
"How bad is it?", he asked instead through gritted teeth, eyes lowered to the mattress between his knees.
"It's..." Dean took a long steadying breath. "Oh, shit Cas there's- the left one, there's feathers missing, I can-" He swallowed, "-can see- but damn..."
"What?"
"You're..." Dean trailed off, corrected himself, "- they're beautiful, Cas."
Despite himself, Cas couldn't help the little smile that tugged on the corner of his mouth.
"I'm afraid they've seen better days."
"Sure, but...jeez, Cas."
Was that actual awe in Dean's voice? He'd probably misinterpreted that. (His people skills were still rusty, after all.) But it really sounded like...
"I hate that you're in pain but still..."
"You really like them?", Cas asked incredulously, tilting his head as he finally turned enough to throw a glance at Dean's face, couldn't help it. The sight that greeted him made his heart jump in his chest.
"Are you kidding?" Dean's eyes were wide, a sparkle that seemed almost joyful, only dimmed by the overshadowing concern. "They're frickin awesome, man."
"Thank you, Dean."
Dean smiled wrily, looking at him just a moment too long, blinked, then slightly shook his head to himself.
"Okay, okay. Shit, I should probably focus. Uh..." He gave the wings hanging in front of his eyes a once-over. "How's this gonna go? Do I just describe to you what you can't see yourself and you tell me what to do, or...?"
"Yes, I believe that should work."
"Okay. So...there's feathers falling out", Dean started. "Is that normal?"
"To a certain degree. They regenerate, but not to this amount." Cas nodded to the feathers already laying on the floor to their feet, the result of his wings stretching for the first time in months.
"Lots of loose ones still in here too, I think. Do I-" Dean hesitated. "Do I have to take them out?"
His voice was careful, soothing, and yet Cas couldn't suppress the little shudder that went through his body and made the wings flutter slightly. He pressed his lips together, nodded.
"Okay. Gonna get to that. First tho..." He could hear the way Dean tensed, could see how he'd be closing his eyes for a second without having to turn around. "I'm so sorry, Cas." The words were soft, pulled together. "This son of a- he cut it, I think. Especially the left one. There's bone sticking out on top and- fuck."
Cas sighed.
"It's okay, Dean. It will heal. Angel wings are self-regenerating."
"Even without your grace?"
"Not quite as fast, but yes", he assured, soothed by the genuine worry speaking from Dean's voice. "They're part of our true forms, so their ethereal nature lets them work on their own, to a certain degree. The wound will close, the feathers return in time."
"So...I shouldn't do anything about it?"
"I..." Cas paused. Should he even tell him? He could just pretend there was nothing to be done. Dean would never know. He wouldn't have to let him-
But maybe...maybe a part of Cas wanted him to. Wanted him to feel, to touch, to...
He swallowed.
"I guess it wouldn't do harm if you..."
"What? What can I do?"
Dean's eagerness made something warm spread in Cas' chest, the barely concealed note of hope loosening his tongue.
"There are oil glands at the base of our wings", he started to explain, shy but steady. "It's meant to keep the feathers flexible. If they dry out, they'll break. But it can also help to...stimulate the growth. You could spread it around the wounds, it will probably make them heal faster, but it would be..." Intimate. More than you'd know. "You'd have to make sure to really reach the skin underneath the feathers and..."
"It would mean I'd have to touch you", Dean finished for him. "A lot."
Cas nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat.
"Yes."
"Cas..." Dean leaned to the side, seeking Cas' attention, locking their eyes. "It's your decision. I don't have to. If you're okay with it, I'm willing to do it, of course. But I won't, not without your consent. It'll heal without too, right?"
"Yes. It would just take longer."
"Okay, good." Dean nodded to himself. "'Cause I want you to heal as fast as possible, but...I'd understand if this is too much."
"I- " Was it too much? It was. But somehow, it also seemed like not enough. His mind told him he'd longed for something like this to happen, for more than this. His body didn't seem to agree. Cas bit his lip, felt his hands beginning to tremble, laced his fingers together to make it stop.
"I'm not sure, I..."
He gave Dean an apologetic glance, searching for something, understanding maybe, encouragement, acceptance. He didn't know what he hoped to find.
"Yeah, right." Dean lowered his eyes. "Of course. We're not gonna do it. It's fine, Cas."
"No, I didn't mean..."
I didn't mean I don't want you to. I didn't mean I don't want you.
"I just have to get used to it." Cas attempted a confident smile. "Perhaps...you could start with picking the loose feathers? And afterwards we can...I can decide."
Furrowed brow, Dean watched him for a moment, maybe contemplating if he should object, but then he slowly nodded.
"Yeah, sure." His attention wandered back to Cas' wings, hand raised, hesitating in mid-air. "How do I...?"
"You...ah."
Come on, Castiel, you can do this. It's just Dean. Dean's hand. Dean's touch. It's Dean.
"You have to run your fingers along the feathers, the way they grow, smooth the crooked ones back into place", he instructed, "And if you find a loose one, try to tug slightly to get it out."
"Won't that hurt?"
There it was again. The concern lacing his voice, warming Cas from within.
This is gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine.
"A little. But the new ones can't grow 'til the old ones are gone."
Dean didn't answer, didn't move either. Cas could feel the reluctance in the way his eyes burned into his back.
"I'll be fine, Dean", he repeated out loud, surprised how certain he sounded.
"Okay." Dean finally nodded. "Tell me if something hurts too much and I'm gonna stop, yeah?"
"Of course."
"Shit, okay." Movement behind him, Dean lifting a hand again. "Don't be shocked, I'm gonna start now", he announced, still waiting until Cas hummed in acknowledgement.
"I'm gonna try and be gentle."
"I know you will, Dean."
And then, for the first time since he'd been created, a finger tentatively brushed one of his feathers.