Chapter Four

Hello my dears! This was rather fast bc I admit that I sometimes avoid posting here bc it takes so much longer, so we're actually one more chapter ahead after this on Ao3... But in return, you get three chapters on one day now, so I hoped maybe no one would mind xD Not sure how happy I am with this one overall, but sometimes we just need to get a few chapters out just to get to the part of the plot that we wanna reach...

Anyway, hope you enjoy it! Quite a fluffy one, actually. Dean is quite open, for his standards. Dunno how that happened, but here we are.

It was 5am when I posted this originally, be lenient.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

The feathers were incredibly soft under his fingers.

The very first touch had made Cas flinch, but he'd assured he was fine, told Dean to go on, and now he could feel the angel slowly relax under his careful ministrations. It felt amazing to let his fingers glide through the silky smoothness, how he could feel the feathers snapping back into place where they'd been crooked from getting too little attention for so long. Sometimes one would come loose by itself when he combed through a patch, sometimes he had to tug slightly, could see how it made Cas tense momentarily, but the tension always vanished again.

Dean could only wonder how Cas was able to bear any touch at all, his touch no less, let alone something like this. But he wouldn't complain. It was so much more than he'd thought possible, so much more than he would've dared ask for, and it gave him hope. Perhaps...

All too soon, the wings looked neat and orderly where they weren't injured and he let the last loose looking feather fall to the ground.

"I'm...ah. I think I'm done."

He had to regretfully lower his hand, instantly missing the contact even tho he knew it was probably a relief for Cas.

"So...do you want me to do it?", he asked slowly, carefully. "The oil thing?"

He could see as much as hear how Cas took in a deep breath. There was silence for a long moment, too long for Dean's liking, and shit, perhaps he'd been too optimistic after all, perhaps it had been too much, perhaps he'd ruined it already by letting Cas sit through any of this, perhaps he should have insisted that Sam-

"Do it."

Dean lifted his head.

"You sure?"

Cas nodded briefly, straightening his shoulders as if to prepare himself, and Dean bit his lip.

"Okay...but you gotta tell me immediately if something hurts. Or anything else that makes you want me to stop."

Cas nodded again, but it wasn't enough.

"Cas, you gotta promise me."

"I promise."

"Fine." Dean released a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. "Let's do this."

He found the oil glands with Cas giving him direction, tried not to focus on the interesting (quite intoxicating- but no, definitely not gonna go there) smell when he warmed it between his fingers. His hand hovered above the wound that had his stomach turning, the one with the bone clearly visible above half the wing's span, but he couldn't bring himself to start. Not yet. Not before he got this out.

"Thank you, Cas."

He wasn't sure what it was that led him to say the things sitting at the tip of his tongue.

"For letting me do this. For letting me be here."

It wasn't something he usually would have said. Those were things he thought, all the time, but he never said them. Somehow though, he needed to say them now. With Cas being so exposed, so vulnerable, wasn't it the least Dean could do to let his own guard down as well? Just this once?

"Sometimes I dunno how you do it, Cas", he heard himself say. "Coping with all our messes. All the fucked up shit that happened to you just because you're sticking around with us. And you wouldn't even have to. You're this...awesome being, with powers and wings and stuff and yet you're here, I-"

I don't get it. What holds you here? What could be worth all that pain and misery?

How is it that no matter how many times you leave, you always come back?

How did I get so lucky?

"I dunno why you do it, man, but I'm glad you're here. You know that, right? That we want you here?" God, he hoped Cas knew. He had to know. Somehow. "I know we're not...really good at showing that. But we're family, Cas. And we're gonna get through this, yeah?"

Dean swallowed, tried to get rid of the sudden lump in his throat, prayed Cas couldn't hear the tears in his voice. He quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, making sure the movement wasn't visible from Cas' angle (and that he didn't get oil on his face).

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to talk about that. It's just that..." I need you to make it through this. I need you to be fine. I need you to be happy. I need my best friend.

"You're so strong, Cas."

To his great disappointment, Cas lowered his head, shaking it slowly.

"I'm really not", he heard the small, mumbled words, making Dean's heart clench painfully.

"Hey." He leaned forward a bit, seeking Cas' eyes. "What are you talking about? I got my fingers in your damn wings, man. Don't think I don't know what that's asking of you."

The amount of trust that had to require...he had no idea how he'd ever come to earn that, how he still-

But Cas didn't respond, just bit his lip, closed his eyes.

Dean sighed.

"I like how the light catches in your feathers", he said, because he didn't know what else to say. "It's like the reflection in motor oil. Bet they look awesome in the sun."

"I can show you sometime, if you'd like."

The reply came unexpected, but all the more welcome, a small smile forming on Dean's lips.

"I'd love that."

And just for a second, he thought Cas might have been glancing behind him, catching a glimpse of Dean's face, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards.

"Remember the first day we met?", it tumbled from Dean's lips before he could stop himself. "Not in hell, the barn I mean."

"Of course I remember."

"You showed me these. Just the shadows. But I was terrified, man." Dean laughed a little breathlessly at the memory. "Fascinated too, though."

"I suppose meeting an angel for the first time can be intimidating."

"I forget sometimes, y'know." He absentmindedly stroked one of the feathers. Cas didn't flinch this time. "That you're not just...a dude like all of us."

"Does it..." Cas threw a glance at him from the corner of his eye before turning his head back and watching his hands in his lap. "...does it bother you?"

Dean's brow wrinkled.

"What?"

"The wings. The grace. All that." Cas shrugged his shoulders. "I know you said you liked them but...they're just another reminder of how different we are."

Did he really think that way? Oh, Cas...

"Is that why you keep them tugged away all the time?"

"Among others." The corner of Cas' mouth turned slightly upwards. "They also don't make for practical attributes in closed spaces", he said, pulling a chuckle out of Dean after all.

"Afraid of knocking over your coffee with those bad boys?", he grinned, delighted when he caught Cas smiling as well.

"Or the whole table."

Dean snorted. That made for quite the picture. He could just see Sammy trying to save his mug as Cas turned in the small kitchen and wiped out the furniture from underneath their breakfast plates. (Which was not an absolutely adorable thought. At all. Come one.)

He indulged in the fantasy for a second, but when he spoke, his voice was soft and sincere.

"Seriously though. You don't have to hide them all the time, y'know? If you don't wanna. I-" I want you to feel comfortable. I want you to feel at home. I want you to feel like you can be yourself. I want you to feel safe. (Would Cas ever feel safe here again?) "I mean I-...We wouldn't mind."

"I will think about it."

Cas gave him a small smile, and maybe that was all he could have asked for at the moment. Maybe more.

"Honestly, I...kinda always wanted to see them", Dean admitted before he could stop himself. (Honestly, what was it with his mouth today? Going and spilling all his secrets. He couldn't even bring himself to regret it, not with Cas' eyes lighting up like that.)

"Really?"

"Yeah." Dean nodded, let his eyes wander over the expanse of black silky feathers that shimmered with every subtle movement. "Had only ever seen shadows. Or the burn marks when one of those dicks died. Always wondered what they'd look like. Yours 'specially", he added as an afterthought, because why the fuck not, he'd already crossed the line anyway.

"You could just have asked, you know?"

Dean's brow wrinkled in confusion.

"Asked what they look like?"

Cas shook his head.

"Ask me to show them to you", he said then, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and...oh.

"Really?" Dean's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Seems kinda rude to me. Aren't they like...private?"

"Yes."

Okay, then. That was it? Just yes. Mhm.

And still you would've shown me?, he wanted to say. Just because I asked?

And still you let me do this? After everything...

But of course, he didn't ask any of those things, too scared of the answer.

He'd absentmindedly gone back to lightly stroking over the long feathers at the base of Cas' wings while they spoke (he really had to look up all the names at some point), making them shine with the oil coating his fingers, reminding him of the task at hand. Regretfully, he cleared his throat, forcing himself to focus.

"I should probably...should I start?"

"Please do."

Well. Dean took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

He started by rubbing some of the oil into the feathers surrounding the wound, making sure to stay close to the surface at first, hoping to make Cas used to the touch before he went any deeper. The angel's breathing seemed to have quickened slightly, but maybe that was just his imagination. As Dean couldn't make out any reaction apart from that, he picked up some new oil before he cautiously allowed his fingers to draw the straight outer feathers aside and reach the fluffy down underneath. He could feel the delicacy of the skin spanning across the wingbone, saw the tremble that went through the wing as soon as he touched it. And just when he started to gently massage the oil into a patch of skin, he was startled by a groan.

Cas groaned, and Dean's hand immediately retreated.

"You okay?"

"Mhm."

Cas hummed in confirmation, but Dean could clearly hear the tension behind it, the way he pressed his lips together when he nodded.

"Cas...I'm not sure if this is a good idea-"

"Dean." The name was growled out between clenched teeth, but his voice sounded sure, determined. "Just keep going."

"Cas..."

I don't wanna hurt you. I can't hurt you. Or force any kind of touch on you, not if-

"Please, Dean."

"You promised me-"

"-to tell you if I want you to stop", Cas cut him off. "And I'm telling you, it's fine. I'm fine", he repeated, more softly, soothing Dean's worry a bit. "I promise."

"...Okay. Okay, I'm gonna trust you here." I know you must be trusting me. For whatever reason.

So he continued. Slowly, carefully, gentle rubs of his fingertips, cautious not to cause any pain or discomfort.

What Dean didn't know was that the groan that slipped past Cas' lips hadn't been one of pain, at least not entirely. Pain, he was used to. Pain, he could handle. This though...

It was...good. Too good.

He'd known his wings were sensitive, but the intensity had caught him off guard. Maybe it was just about someone else touching them, maybe it was about Dean touching them. He couldn't say. No one else had ever touched his wings, after all. He'd felt it immediately when Dean's fingers began to stroke through the feathers, a pleasant tingle that promised more. But it had stayed that, a promise.

Now, with his fingers digging deep, massaging the delicate skin beneath the outer layer of feathers, everything seemed to increase tenfold. He was almost relieved about the pain mixing with the sudden pleasure, distracting him.

He couldn't go there yet, echoes of that other, unwanted pleasure too fresh in his muscles, torn from him, worn out of his body, caused by fingers that were so similar yet so different from the ones touching him now.

And yet, even though it should have been harder, being his wings, he knew this was easier than it would have been to have any part of his body touched. His wings hadn't been corporeal then, didn't share the same memory as his vessel. Even the thought of taking someone's hand made his skin crawl.

And it pained him, his body and mind reacting in that horrible way. He'd always enjoyed touch. Probably more than he should have, being an angel. Especially Dean's. He wished nothing more than for this to go away, to go back to the way things were.

He just didn't know how.

This here, right now, though? This he could do. This was a way to start.

"Dean. Could you talk to me?"

Dean looked up from his working hands, stilled them for a moment.

"About what?"

"Don't care. Just...a distraction."

"Yeah. Okay, sure. I can do that."

Talk. Okay. He could talk. About...stuff.

"Any hunts recently?", Cas asked, and oh good. That shouldn't be too dangerous territory. Right?

"Nope. Been pretty quiet", Dean told him, concentrating back on working his hands through the sea of feathers. "Sammy's looking out for something, I guess."

"If Sam found something..." Cas seemed to hesitate, contemplating. "Would you go?"

Now, that was a question Dean hadn't been expecting. And why should he? Of course he would go. When did he ever not go. He was always the first to be ready and pack the bags, right? Just...that had been before. Before there had been an angel in the bunker that they'd probably have to leave behind. Before there had been an angel that absolutely shouldn't be left on his own. Not right now. Not yet. Before he'd put that angel in this position.

"Would..." Dean swallowed. "Would you want me to go?"

There was a long pause, the kind of silence that made you aware of the seconds ticking by on the clock in a corner. Dean counted them.

"No", Cas whispered then, almost too quiet to hear. Almost. And Dean could breathe in again.

"'Kay." He shrugged his shoulders, wondering why the hell that little answer made him feel so damn relieved. "Then I wouldn't."

"Really?" He could hear the genuine surprise in Cas' voice, knew the way his head was tilted by the mere sound. "You'd...you'd stay behind from a hunt? Because of me?"

"For you?" Dean tried to sound nonchalant, probably failed spectacularly. "'Cause, Cas. You're more important", he added then, not sure where it had come from. It was true, of course. It was just another one of those things he wouldn't have said. Usually.

"Why don't we talk about something...something nice?", he went on, just to make his own treacherous mouth shut the fuck up. "Something you like. Something...that makes you happy."

Cas hummed, head slightly tilted to the side. (Dean knew this was the thoughtful head tilt, as opposed to the confused head tilt from earlier. Yes, he could distinguish them just by having a lock at the back of Cas' head. No that wasn't strange at all. Didn't mean anything. Shut up.)

"I liked it when you took me grocery shopping last week", Cas said then, infecting Dean with the little smile in his voice.

I liked that too, thought Dean. It was quiet. It was normal. And it was with you.

Had that really been just a week ago? Seemed like another lifetime.

"Seriously, Cas? It was just groceries", was what he said, shrugging it off before he might do something embarrassing like blush or some shit.

Cas just hummed non-committally.

"The pie was good", Dean mused, groping for something to say. "We could...ehm. I mean I could show you how to make pie sometime. If you'd like."

He could clearly see it, allowed himself to indulge in the fantasy for a bit, the picture of him and Cas in the kitchen, covered in flour, laughing. He wanted to believe that they could be that way again, that Cas would heal. That everything could be the way it was before.

"I think I would like that", Cas said, and Dean thought for a second that maybe there had been that little smile again.

The conversation flowed more freely after that, Dean recalling moments they'd had together, moments that had made him happy, because maybe, just maybe, they'd made Cas happy too. Just drives in the Impala, movie nights, that one day when they'd stopped at a fair. He told Cas about things he'd always wanted to do, promised to bring him along if he liked, fishing and getting a dog to take on walks and even taking that beach vacation he always talked about.

They both knew they'd probably never do any of those things, but it didn't matter. This was about making Cas feel better, nothing more, and their lives really didn't have much to provide for that. So Dean allowed himself to let go, spoke what came to his mind, lost himself in dreams.

It was like they were in a bubble, a bubble Dean never wanted to burst, and just for a moment, he could almost have forgotten all that had happened and why they were here. Just for a moment, they were just Dean and Cas, Dean and his best friend, making plans for a future that would never take place.

And Dean never wanted it to end.

But of course, everything does.

"I think I'm done", he heard himself say far too soon, reluctantly retreating his hands.

And the bubble burst.

"How're you feeling?"

"Better." Cas rolled his shoulders, lightly fluttering his wings with a sigh. "Thank you."

"Maybe you should leave them out for a bit", Dean suggested. "Let air on the wounds, y'know. Recharge your mojo before trying to use it again."

Cas nodded in agreement.

"Yes, I suppose I should."

"Can you lie down?" Dean gestures to the head of the bed. "With the wings?"

"I'm sure I'll manage."

Cas didn't make any sign to move, though, and Dean wasn't quite sure where to go from here. He'd been surprisingly calm while he'd been occupied, but now he could feel the significant shift in the air that came with reality rushing back in, demanding his attention. The clock on the wall reminded him that it was still the middle of the night, Cas was all patched up, as good as could be, anyway, and he really didn't have any more excuses to occupy his attention any longer.

Oh, wait.

He leaned down, started to collect the fallen feathers from the ground. Just so Cas wouldn't have to do it. Not because it was an excuse to still be here. Obviously not.

"Dean, you don't have to-"

"Shhhh." He silenced Cas with a playfully scolding glance, making a statement by actually kneeling down to get the last ones. "It's fine, Cas. I don't mind."

Cas lowered his eyes, but didn't object, and to Dean's secret regret it only took a couple more moments until the floor was tidy, and he had to get up again, standing in the room like he didn't know what to do with himself. (Which was probably because he actually didn't.)

"Good." Dean rubbed his neck a bit awkwardly. "So...anything else? Anything I can get you?"

"I'm fine, thank you, Dean."

"You look tired", he remarked, slapping himself mentally.

Wow. Way to point out the obvious, idiot. Now he's gonna think you wanna get rid of him.

"I can leave if you wanna sleep", his mouth continued unhelpfully, his mind being occupied with providing a continuous pathetic chant of don't make me leave, don't make me leave, don't-

"I...would you mind staying?" Cas' expression was an adorable mixture of shy, hopeful and embarrassed. "You must be exhausted too, and I know it's an unusual request to make but...being alone in a silent room, I-...I mean would it be-"

"I could sleep here", Dean cut in, careful not to sound too enthusiastic, even though his heart had skipped a silly beat at Cas' words. "If you want. On a mattress on the floor, I mean."

"Really? Would you do that?"

"Sure, Cas."

Dean smiled, a real, genuine smile. And Cas actually smiled back.

"I think I'd like that."

"Awesome." Dean clapped his hands together, standing up. "Okay. Lemme just get a mattress, yeah? I'm gonna be right back."

He crossed the room with a few steps, opened the door, but hesitated there, following the urge to turn around one last time, just to ease his stupidly worrying head.

"You gonna be alright?"

Cas nodded.

Okay, then. He should really go. Just go. Come on.

"Okay. I'll just..." He mentioned awkwardly down the hallway. "Yeah, right."

With that he vanished around the corner, taking a deep breath.

And if Dean secretly put the feathers in a jar that he hid in his closet before returning to Cas with the mattress from a spare room, nobody ever needed to know.