Chapter Eight

Hello my lovely people! Ready for your daily dose of pain? Heh.

Not quite sure how happy I am with this one, I guess I'm still figuring out some stuff about this stage of their process but I usually do that best through writing anyway soo...we'll see where we land. I never have a full plan where my stories are going anyway. So yeah. Hope you like it, I tried to mix Dean's and Cas' headspace a little in this, but we're still gonna be getting a bit more esp of Dean's in the next chapter.

Thanks for reading everyone, yall are awesome, can't wait to hear what you think!

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Let's start now, then, Cas had said, and Dean might just have forgotten how to breathe for a second.

Now. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Mhm.

He'd get to touch Cas.

Oh my fucking God, he'd get to touch Cas.

Cas?

Cas.

Holy-

Jesus, Dean, calm down. You're not the one that should be nervous here!

"Y-You sure?" (His voice didn't sound squeaky. Nuh. Definitely not.)

Cas gave him an almost indulgent smile.

"I wouldn't have proposed the idea if I didn't want to pursue it."

Yeah. Okay. That made sense. Obviously. Yup.

"Okay, uhm...lemme see." Dean sucked a deep breath into his lungs, willed his brain to be supplied with oxygen again. This was so not the moment to panic. Or lose his mind from giddiness. His body didn't seem quite sure if to pass out from nerves or exhilaration.

But Cas would need him to be calm and steady right now. So he could pull himself together. He would pull himself together. For Cas.

Deep breaths. Calm down. Think. Reasonably.

"I think we should...ah." Dean wrinkled his brow, playing through different scenarios in his head, tried to contemplate the easiest and least risky way for Cas to make this work. "A-Actually I think we shouldn't start with me touching you."

Cas squinted in confusion.

"What about doing it the other way around?", Dean explained. "So you can get used to touching someone else first. You'd be the one in control there."

"Oh." Cas seemed surprised, but tilted his head thoughtfully, nodding to himself. "Okay."

Dean's hands twitched a little in disappointment that they wouldn't get to finally touch what -who- they'd ached for for so long, but Dean gave himself a mental slap for that. This wasn't about him. He needed to remember that. This wasn't about his wishes, and certainly not about his indulgence. And if he'd had anything to say about it, Cas would never know they even existed.

This was just Dean, helping Cas. His best friend Cas. Platonically. Because Cas had asked him. Because they shared a profound bond. A platonic profound bond.

That was all. Nothing to it. Nothing to get in the way and make things complicated. More complicated.

Nothing.

Like...feelings.

Which weren't a problem.

Because they weren't there.

Period.

"So should I just...?"

Dean mentioned to the bed, signifying if he should lie down on his back, the atmosphere suddenly very heavy and awkward.

"Yes, mmh...sure." Cas shrugged, biting his bottom lip and-

Shit.

Helping Cas, Dean told himself. You're doing this to help Cas. Your friend Cas. Angel of the Lord Cas.

An angel of the Lord who suddenly seemed to put worth on being able to experience human contact...Intimate contact... A newly discovered circumstance that had stunned Dean, to say the least.

He hadn't thought angels did that sort of thing.

At least he hadn't thought Cas did that sort of thing.

Or was even interested in it.

With...anyone. (Him.)

And he wasn't. Interested in Dean, that was. He had to keep that straight (pun intended). Cas didn't do this because he wanted to, wanted Dean. He wanted it because he thought he needed to.

Which was completely different.

And didn't bother Dean at all. Why should it. Don't be ridiculous.

So Cas didn't want him. Fine. Newsflash, he'd known that. The fact that Cas had now asked him to play his touch-...whatever even though Dean was his friend and nothing more was no reason for Dean to feel like there was stuff exploding in his mind right now. He'd chosen Dean because he was his friend. Because he needed someone familiar, yet neutral. Someone unaffected.

Well, shit. Not ideal.

But Cas didn't need to know that Dean's whole body was tingling all over with anticipation at the mere thought of Cas touching him. He could control himself.

He could play the indifferent participant Cas wanted him to be. Whatever Cas needed.

He took a deep breath.

"What about...?"

Dean tugged questioningly at the hem of his flannel. Jesus Christ, had he forgotten how to form full sentences all of a sudden?

"You can...leave it on. For the moment..."

Cas bit his lip again, and damn if that didn't give Dean all kinds of inappropriate ideas what else could be done to those lips. Because of course. It wasn't enough that he'd piled up lots and lots of guilty hours spent alone in his bed fantasizing about his best friend before it all went down to shit. Now here he was, being offered a little finger -hell, the tip of a little finger- and his mind instantly went loose and demanded the whole hand instead. Just fucking peachy. As if this wouldn't be had enough as it was.

"'Kay."

He lay down, praying that Cas wouldn't notice how nervous he truly was, or how guilty, or how selfish, how ashamed, how excited, how needy, how wanting, how-

Dean's eyes found Cas' face, nerves and fear plainly written in every feature, and the storm inside Dean instantly stilled. It was all blown out, all the fighting emotions, all the screaming voices, leaving only calm silence filled with empathy and worry as he watched the angel struggle above him.

Dean waited, gave Cas his time to try and gather himself, saw how he willed himself to take slow, deep breaths, how his eyes closed shortly before settling on Dean's chest.

Cas' hand trembled when he finally reached out to touch, it hovered in the air between them, seconds ticking by, pressure building inside Dean until he couldn't stop himself anymore. He carefully lifted a hand to grasp Cas' and laced their fingers together so that his hand rested over the back of Cas'. Blue eyes followed his movement before snapping up, meeting his, wide and...frightened? Questioning? Hopeful?

"Cas. Relax." Dean's voice was calm and steady, reassuring. "It's just me."

He tried to give the angel an encouraging smile, and maybe it worked, for Cas let him guide their joined hands down, placing them on his chest, just above his heart. (Total coincidence, of course.)

Cas looked down at their hands, tilting his head.

"Your heart rate is increased."

With you getting your hands on me? No shit.

"Is it?" Dean tried to sound nonchalant. Maybe hiding how he felt about...this would be harder than he'd thought.

"Yes." Cas' eyes lifted to meet Dean's again, his brow furrowed. "Dean, are you nervous? Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Dean quickly shook his head, eager to ease the worry in Cas' eyes.

"Nono. Cas, I'm good. Probably just nervous if you're alright."

And because my dick has no fucking chill around you, and this is just a hand over my clothes, which apparently doesn't matter because it's still you, and if I can't get this under control you're gonna find out, and I'll scare you away forever. No biggie, though.

"Oh." Cas squinted his eyes thoughtfully, but didn't say any more, so Dean cut in before the awkward silence could spread once again.

"I'm gonna let you try on your own now, yeah?" He loosened his hold on Cas' hand, letting go completely when Cas didn't object, let it rest on his chest while Dean placed his own beside him on the mattress.

"I'm gonna leave my hands here, see? No touching from me."

Cas nodded, but didn't move his hand away from where Dean had placed it, looking down at it in distress before pulling it away.

"Cas?"

Cas pressed his lips together, shaking his head.

"Hey, it's fine. We don't have to do this now. If it's too much and you wanna stop-"

Cas shook his head again, more firmly this time as his eyes opened to meet Dean's.

"It's not that. I just haven't...ever..." Cas trailed off, swallowed. His voice was small and his head lowered. "I just really don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Cas." Dean smiled softly, searching that blue gaze until the angel peeked up a little. "I'm good", he promised sincerely. "Really. Touch away. You got full permission, ok?"

Cas looked at him for a moment, swallowed hard (Dean did absolutely not follow the movement of his Adam's apple, that would be creepy, thank you very much), then finally lowered his eyes back to his chest and hesitantly placed his hand back where it had rested before.

"Okay."

~oOo~

Cas started slowly, just fingertips brushing in featherlight circles over the soft fabric of Dean's t-shirt. He enjoyed the warmth he could feel radiating from the skin underneath at the small point of contact, encouraging him enough to eventually let his whole palm settle. Dean's chest was solid and smooth beneath his movements, rising and falling steadily with each breath. Breath that drew new life into Dean's body, made his blood flow and his heart beat. Cas had been captured feeling Dean's heartbeat beneath his hand when Dean placed it there, a heart that he could remember putting back in its place, restoring it to beat again.

Dean's breathing was slow and even, calming Cas and inviting him to copy its rhythm. Silence settled, but it wasn't heavy and pressing like before, with Cas concentrated fully on keeping his hand moving, both hands once he felt secure enough to let a second join. They mapped out the planes of Dean's torso, the lines of his chest and up to his shoulders, wandering down his arms and back up.

Dean kept watching him the whole time, Cas could feel it even without looking up. Maybe it should have made him squirm, but he knew it was because Dean tried to watch out for any signs of discomfort on his face.

It was easier than he'd thought it would be, once he started. This had been a good idea. He hadn't gotten to touch a lot, then, holding the flashes at bay for now. Not that he hadn't thought about touching Dean in very different contexts, though.

He had. Oh, he had. If Dean knew-

Cas pushed the thought back down. This would be hard enough without guilt about how he was using his best friend creeping up on him whenever he made any kind of progress. Dean had agreed to this. Helping him. Because that was all it was. Dean had said it was okay.

He didn't need to feel guilty, Cas told himself. Dean never needed to know about the shameful fantasies he had indulged in before. Fantasies that, despite the guilt, the knowledge that Dean would be horrified if he ever found out, Cas couldn't help but look back at fondly. They had been so nice, those dreams. Dreams of warm hands on his skin that brought pleasure and comfort, arms encircling him safely, whispered words and confessions ready to be spoken, willing to be heard...

He'd never thought he'd come close to any of it as much as he was right now, with his palm smoothing over Dean's chest. It was a relief beyond words, discovering that this was fine, this was nice, his rebellious body silenced for once, no memories bubbling up to ruin it. In fact, the longer Cas touched, allowed himself to touch, was allowed to touch - the more he learned and engraved the lines of Dean's upper body to his memory, the more he felt at ease, yet uneasy at the same time. But it was a different sort of unease, not caused by dread or fear. It was the feeling of something missing, something not being quite right.

It hadn't been like this, in his dreams. Of course it hadn't.

Cas had been happy. Cas had been free.

Dean had been happy, too.

This, on the other hand, it felt so...so clinical.

"Cas? You good?"

He snapped out of his thoughts, just now realising that his hands had stopped their movements, and Dean was looking up at him questioningly, worry written in his eyes.

Cas could just say it was fine. He could just continue like this. Stay safe.

And yet-

"This feels..." Cas drew his brows together. "-strange. You just lying there."

"I thought it would make you feel... safer."

Dean. So caring. So considerate.

Cas shouldn't take advantage of his goodness like that.

He couldn't stop.

"It does", he replied truthfully. "But I'm...I don't know. Uneasy."

"What do you wanna do?"

So willing. So helpful.

"I- I don't-"

I want to keep touching you. I want it to keep feeling like this. I want to keep feeling good.

I want you to touch me. I want to find that it feels good too, that if feels as good as I dreamed.

I want it to finally feel right. This doesn't feel right. Not yet. Not like this.

But I don't want to risk it. What if it doesn't work out, what if I panic, what if my body won't listen, what if-

Cas squeezed his eyes shut in frustration.

"I don't know, Dean. I just-"

"Cas. Cas, calm down." Dean sat up a bit, taking hold of one of Cas' hands he hadn't even realised were withdrawn completely from touching Dean by now. "It's alright. This is natural. We're gonna figure it out."

Cas highly doubted that. The chaos in his mind and the electric shock the sudden touch had sent through his body said otherwise. But Dean sounded so calm, so sure...

"You think so?"

"Trust me."

(Too late did Dean realize what that request truly required from Cas right now, but before he could panic and row back, Cas was already lightly nodding.)

"Okay."

Dean gave him a smile, looking thoughtfully at where he was holding the angel's hand.

"What about..." Dean slowly raised his eyes. "...you guide me?"

Cas blinked.

"What do you mean?"

"You said it'd be weird with me not touching you back. But we also don't wanna make you feel...out of control. How about you take my hand and guide it? Show me where it's okay to touch? Just try it out for yourself...what feels good."

"That..." Cas considered the idea for a moment. The worst thing about being touched was usually the unexpectedness, the fact that he couldn't mentally prepare to control his body's reaction. But if he were to guide the touch, know when and where it would go...

"That sounds acceptable."

Dean smiled again, wider this time, lacing their fingers together.

This time, Cas actually managed to smile back.

~oOo~

The first touches of Dean's fingers were hard. Unexpectedly hard.

Cas saw to it to keep the contact short, light, careful.

It wasn't the first time Dean had touched him there, of course. It wasn't even the first time Dean touched him like this since...that day. Cas had been hugged, had practically been pressed against Dean chest to chest, and had felt safe in the embrace.

But this was different. It was purposeful.

Dean was perfect as always, followed without complaint, let himself be guided completely, all control given over to Cas' lead. The smiles he gave were soft, his eyes gentle.

It didn't fit with the scenes popping up in Cas' head and making his breath hitch in his throat whenever he'd managed to calm it.

Fingers gently gliding down his arm.

Fingers closing painfully around his wrists, twisting them above his head, pinning him to the mattress.

Tender touches mapping out his sides, all untainted skin by now, the purple marks vanished.

Nails digging into his flesh, leaving bruises and drawing blood.

A hand resting over his heart, lifting and falling with his breathing.

A hand pressing down onto his torso, forcing the breath out of his lungs until he gasped for air.

~oOo~

"Cas? You ok?"

Dean could see the distress on Cas' face, the way his breathing would suddenly stop, how he occasionally closed his eyes for a second. He hadn't let go of Dean's hand though, let it wander rather steadily over his chest and arms (Dean tried not to concentrate too much on the warmth seeping through Cas' shirt, on the way his hand tingled), so he'd waited if Cas' unease would settle, but he couldn't ignore it any longer.

The angel pressed his lips together at the question, the fingers above Dean's hand tightened for a second.

"Yes, I- I'm fine."

Like hell you are. (Dean had told that lie too many times himself not to recognise it.)

Cas made move to go on, dragging Dean's hand along, but for the first time, Dean didn't let him.

"Hey, hold on a minute."

He turned his hand is Cas' grip so they were palm to palm, taking hold of Cas' wrist by circling it gently yet insistently, stilling his movements. Cas' eyes shot up at that, a turmoil like the raging see. Dean could feel the painful sting in his chest at the sight.

"Cas", he probed softly. "Talk to me."

There was a moment of hesitation, Cas worrying his bottom lips between his teeth, and Dean was surprised when he noticed the sudden tears standing in Cas' eyes, threatening to escape...

And from one second to the next, it was like watching a damn break.

"I just- I just want to forget it all, Dean", Cas said, his voice cracking in a sob, the first tear rolling down, painting a damp trail on his cheek. "It just- it just keeps coming back, no matter what I do, no matter how much I just want to- I can't help it. Do you know what it feels like to have your body and mind working against you? I'm so...I'm so tired already, Dean. I just don't want to deal with this any longer."

The tears started to fall freely, and Dean wanted to wipe them away, dry them with his lips. Instead his hand moved without his consent, lifted and neared Cas' face as if drawn by a magnetic pull, coming to a sudden halt in mid-air when Cas stared at it in alarm. A deer in the headlights.

Dean wanted to let it sink, but found that he couldn't, frozen between a desperate need he couldn't place and the pain of being looked at like this. He never wanted Cas to look at him like this. Like he might...

"I'm not gonna hurt you", he heard himself say, and it sounded smaller and more pained than he was comfortable with. But maybe it was a good thing, the slip of vulnerability, because Cas' eyes flit from his outstretched hand to his face, a battle raging behind the blue, and whatever it was that won, he could watch how the storm calmed and settled slowly.

"I know", Cas said softly, sincerely, and Dean felt the air leave his lungs when Cas reached for his hand and guided it the rest of the way to his face. He felt his fingers slot gently around Cas' neck, a thumb resting on his cheek, automatically moving to finally wipe those already drying tear stains away.

He couldn't look away from his own hand, from the way it was cupping Cas' face, a hand that had been covered in the blood of countless people, a hand that had been raised to hurt and kill, a hand that Cas had miraculously chosen to trust.

"Of course you're tired of dealing with this, Cas."

Dean's voice was barely above a whisper, the moment too fragile to be disturbed by sound, or maybe it was Dean who was too fragile, he couldn't tell anymore.

"But I...I'm a reminder."

His gaze found Cas', and suddenly his eyes were the ones that watered, the fear that had shone in that beautiful blue only moments ago flashing up before him, alternating with the unreadable mixture of emotion they displayed now. He couldn't tell them apart, but there was definitely pain woven in, and that was enough for Dean to let his hand drop.

"Are you sure I'm the right person for this?"

The words burned like acid in his mouth, the thought of someone else doing this for Cas, touching him, helping him through this, building a connection, another profound bond, maybe even stronger than theirs. Dean couldn't bear it. He'd taken it for granted, that he could occupy that space in Cas' life, had never even thought about the possibility that someone else might come along and take it. Someone that would become Cas' priority, the person he went to for advice and help and comfort. For love.

But now that he knew Cas could experience this sort of human emotion, might even be looking for that special someone, that connection he was missing...

Now that their relationship had earned another stain... what if...

What if Cas decided he didn't need them anymore? What if he decided he didn't need Dean anymore? What if he finally understood that Dean wasn't worth it, never had been?

But they were sitting here, practicing touch. How fucked up was that, anyway? Why on earth had he agreed to this in the first place, knowing full well that if anyone would trigger Cas' anxiety, it would be had been selfishness, nothing else.

Dean sighed, lowered his gaze.

"Maybe I shouldn't be here at all."

"No." Was that a crack in Cas' voice? "No, Dean, that's not what I meant."

He didn't want to look up, but the desperation driving Cas' hurried words made it impossible not to.

"I'm sorry for what just happened, I can't help it, I wish I could, I didn't mean to upset you."

Dean shook his head to himself. Of course he'd make Cas feel like the inadequate one again. He was such a fool.

"I don't need you to apologize or explain yourself, Cas."

"But I need to explain, I need you to hear it."

How could he refuse when Cas' eyes looked at him so pleadingly?

"I'll always want you here", Cas said, voice wavering with emotion, need, truth. "Things like that? They're exactly why I want to do this, why I need-" He trailed off, closed his eyes to breathe. "I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else and I couldn't- I can't do it on my own, Dean, I-"

(You're not just the right person. You're the only person.)

Cas basically tripped over his own words, the desperation, the helplessness seeping from it, the way he practically seemed to be begging him - Dean could barely stand it.

"Hey, Cas, it's okay." His lips moved before he knew what he was saying, his heart not obeying his mind, screaming at him to give the angel anything he wanted, everything he had and more, even if his mind told him he'd be better off without him. "I'm not going anywhere", he heard himself promise. "Not ever. If you think you want me here, I will be. Always."

And he couldn't even bring himself to regret it, not yet, not with the tension visibly seeping out of Cas' shoulders.

"I do want you here. I know I want you here, I-" Cas smiled a small, sad smile. "I need you."

Dean remembered telling him that.

I need you. What broke the connection? Cas, we're family. I need you.

He'd meant to say I love you back then. Of course he hadn't.

"You're gonna be fine, Cas", he said now, tried to convince them both." We're gonna do this step by step, yeah? And we'll be fine."

Dean was almost proud how much he sounded as if he believed his own words.