Chapter Thirteen

Hello, my dears. I'm glad this didn't take toooo long this time. Also, I've been meaning to mention it a couple of times and always forgot, but I have another account on Ao3 that I consider my main account bc everyone seems to be more active there, I post the same stories there as I do here so if you prefer for some reason don't worry, I will continue posting here as well. I just wanted to mention it in case any of you aren't familiar with Ao3 bc I myself prefer it as far as reading goes and find it more user-friendly, so just a tip to check it out, maybe it'll help someone. And this particular story comes with some of my own fanart on Ao3 as well, in case you'd be interested in seeing that so…yeah, maybe check it out if you want to. Anyway, back to the topic at hand!

Don't wanna reveal too much, just saying we're definitely not leaving the emotional territory yet...

Hope you enjoy it, I'll be very excited to hear what you think about this development! Love yall, thanks for reading!

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Next time they tried, Dean made it his task to show Cas exactly how much he didn't mind touching his scars. He hadn't said anything, but Cas could feel it in the way he touched them. Because the thing was...he didn't feel any difference. Dean touched them just the way he touched every other part of Cas' skin.

He didn't try to stay clear of the area, neither did he make a show of touching them deliberately often, or careful. His hands didn't slow when they approached the uneven patch on Cas' back, stroked in one smooth line from untainted skin over the remains of the sigil and back to the even surface of Cas' shoulders without a single sign that he even noticed the calloused lines beneath his fingers.

And once again, Cas wondered how Dean always exactly knew what he needed. It made him feel far better than if Dean had made a fuss about it, had tried to be deliberately gentle and cautious with them, it would only have served as a reminder for Cas that he saw this part of his body as something fragile and breakable. Instead, the angel found it increasingly easier not to tense anymore when he felt Dean's hands near his back, could even forget that there was anything wrong at all (because there's nothing wrong, he could hear Dean's voice in his head).

The kissing helped, too. Cas had taken a liking to that particular aspect of their practicing from the very beginning, and the more they did it, the more Cas found himself addicted to the feel and taste of Dean's lips against his own. It was a perfect distraction to get comfortable with other touches, and the intimacy of the gesture wasn't lost on Cas either.

The only problem was, he found himself wishing more and more often that he could just kiss Dean outside of their sessions. It felt so easy by now, so natural, pressing their lips together whenever they pleased while they were practicing, and sometimes Cas almost forgot that it wasn't real, caught himself saying goodnight to Dean and leaning over for a goodnight kiss before he realized what he was doing. Sometimes he'd thought that maybe Dean was leaning in, too, but neither of them had ever actually closed the gap, had crossed that line between practice and reality.

It was as if they were playing scenes, only that those scenes seemed like the real world, felt right and easy, and everything outside was the pretence.

Cas was still scared to explore new aspects of this relationship they had developed, he still fought with dreams and flashbacks, but he still discovered that he was looking more and more forward to the time dedicated to their practicing every day. He trusted Dean, he really did, and taking each new step turned out to be as exciting as it was terrifying. After all, he had quickly discovered that the only thing worse than being touched by anyone was not being touched by Dean.

Today, Cas had decided to try and switch places for the first time, having gained enough confidence from their progress with his insecurities about the scars to allow Dean to be the one on top. It was nervewracking at first, the feeling of being surrounded, another body hovering over him, blocking his way to escape. But Dean had softly stroked a thumb over his cheekbone, the words Cas, it's just me whispered so soothingly, warm green eyes capturing his gaze, and Cas had felt himself relax. And then Dean had started to kiss him, and all the remaining anxiety had seeped out of him, melted away with the tension leaving his body.

By now he could feel Dean's fingers woven into his hair, Dean's tongue exploring his mouth, Dean's bare chest pressed down against his own. Cas had his arms circled around Dean's shoulders, holding him close, a weight that was calming and grounding rather than suffocating like he had expected. His skin tingled pleasantly everywhere they were touching from shoulder to hip, the soft, pleased sounds Dean made like music to Cas' ears.

In a wave of instinctive desire, Cas lightly bit down on Dean's bottom lip, reveling in the groan it pulled from Dean's throat, and the angel just wanted to wind his arms even tighter around the wonderful warm body above him- when that warmth suddenly vanished.

He opened his eyes in confusion, sat up when he saw Dean kneeling at the opposite end of the bed, much too far away for Cas' liking, panting with his back turned to the angel.

"Shit", Cas heard a breathy whisper. "Shit, shit, shit-"

"Dean?"

Dean threw a glance over his shoulder, shifting his weight with a little hiss that sent a wave of concern through Cas.

"Just a sec, Cas", he said before turning back, eyes closed as he exhaled a shaky breath.

Cas didn't like this.

"Dean, are you alright?" He carefully moved closer but stopped when the hunter gave him another look, something in those eyes freezing Cas to the spot. "Did I do something wrong? Did I somehow hurt you?"

He wasn't sure how he could have, but maybe-

"God, Cas, no." Dean shook his head, but didn't look at him. "You did everything right. A bit too right, actually."

Dean released a breathy laugh, causing Cas' brow to furrow in confusion.

"I don't understand."

"Just- I just need a moment to calm down, yeah?"

"But if I didn't do anything wrong-"

Why was Dean suddenly acting so strange? He had never been the one to pull away from anything they had done, had always been calm and steady and encouraging Cas when he struggled. But this-

"Why did you rush away like that?"

"Because I-" Dean closed his eyes, took a deep breath. "I didn't wanna scare you", he said then, small and quiet, sounding almost...ashamed?

But that didn't make sense. Cas had been fine. Everything had been perfectly fine until...

"Scare me?", he repeated, puzzled. "Dean, you're scaring me now, what's going on, I-"

"Jeez, I got hard, ok?", Dean burst out, his arms lifting in a gesture of frustration, stunning Cas into silence.

He swallowed.

"W-What?"

His tongue suddenly felt too heavy in his mouth as he stared at Dean, watched how he sighed, drove a hand over his eyes and finally turned to face him.

"I started to get hard", he repeated, calmer but obviously embarrassed. "And I didn't wanna freak you out in case you'd feel it."

"You mean you..." He can't mean what I think he means. He can't. He never- I never thought- "You...got aroused?"

"Yeah, Cas."

Dean looked somehow defeated, and Cas didn't really know how to feel about that. His heart was trying to leap out of his chest at the implication, his thoughts running wild and tumbling all over each other as he tried to order this new information in a way that made sense.

This was impossible. Dean had never said- This wasn't supposed to happen. Not that Cas hadn't wanted it to happen. But he'd never entertained the possibility. There was no reason, Dean had never given any indication that perhaps- And now, even if it was real, he looked so worried, so uncomfortable, so unhappy-

"But...why?", Cas heard himself say, a perfectly valid question as far as he was concerned, but Dean just lifted a disbelieving eyebrow at him.

"Cause of what we were doing? Dunno if you noticed, but that was some pretty nice making out there, Cas."

It can't be, it can't be, it can't-

"But I don't understand." Cas shook his head, the head that refused to wrap around what was happening.

"Why would that arouse you? You're not interested in m-" Me. You're not interested in me. Not like that. "- in men", he ended, a little less painful to articulate.

Dean blushed, actually blushed.

"Yeah...about that, uh." He rubbed his neck the way Cas knew he did when he was nervous. Or embarrassed. Or both. "I...ah. I might be, actually."

"But you-" Cas knew he had been staring at Dean nonstop for the last five minutes. He couldn't stop.

"You never said", he stammered, voice too shaky for his own liking, almost whining as if it didn't want to believe what was being revealed to it, didn't want to get any hopes up. "I only ever saw you with women."

Dean shrugged his shoulders.

"It's not something I like to brag about, ok? And it's not...it's not something I usually act on."

"But you did with me."

The words were out before he could take them back, followed by a silence that lay heavy on Cas' ears.

"You needed me to", Dean finally said, and yes, of course, there it finally was, the blow Cas had been waiting for this whole time, knowing that it would inevitably come.

"But you didn't...want to", he said, a statement, not a question.

But Dean shook his head.

"No!", he said, eyes wide. "I mean yes! Shit, that's not what I-" He pressed his lips together, a desperate spark lighting up the green of his eyes, making it impossible to look away.

"Okay, look." Dean breathed out, long and slow. "So, I feel attraction to men. Some, anyway. And you're one of 'em."

Cas' silly heart skipped a beat.

"And no, I usually don't do this", Dean continued. "But that doesn't mean...doesn't mean I didn't want to." (Didn't want you.) "You're not forcing me to do anything here, Cas", he assured, eyes pleading for Cas to understand.

In all honestly, Cas was not certain he did.

"So you've wanted..." His eyes squinted thoughtfully, the cogs in his brain turning and squeaking from the effort to wrap around Dean's words. "...this...even before I asked for your help?"

But that was ridiculous. That couldn't be true. That-

"Yeah."

Oh. Oh.

Cas opened his mouth, closed it again, opened it a second time.

"Why didn't you say something?"

He wanted this? He wanted...me? He still-? If I'd just known-

"It would have been a great comfort for me to know that you're not acting against your wishes just because you want to help me."

"I-" Dean seemed genuinely surprised by that, as if he hadn't ever thought of it that way. He probably actually hadn't. "Sorry, yeah, when you put it like that-" He shrugged apologetically. "But I thought- I didn't wanna make you feel like...like you had to push yourself to make this good for me. Or that you weren't safe with me. That maybe because I've wanted you for-fucking-ever I wouldn't be able to control myself or something. I dunno what I thought, Cas, I just..."

He trailed off, giving Cas a look at seemed to ask for his understanding and forgiveness all at once, and of course he had them, he always had them, but all Cas could concentrate on was-

"You've wanted me...forever?"

Dean blushed again. It was a good look on him. Adorable, really. Made his freckles stand out.

"I mean obviously not forever forever." Dean smiled shyly. "Damn long time though. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"For not telling you?"

You were scared, Cas thought, I understand.

"For using this to get what I want?"

But I wanted it too. If you only knew...

"For being a selfish little shit after me wanting you caused all this in the first place-"

Wait, what?

"What?"

~oOo~

The moment the word left Cas' mouth, Dean's brain realized just what he'd just let slip out. A wave of white-hot panic surged through his veins, his body heating up before going icy cold, his palms damp, and he was sure all the colour must be draining out of his face.

"Fuck." Dean swallowed, thoughts running wild. "Oh, goddamn- fuck."

"Dean?" Cas nudged a little closer. "What do you mean...caused this?"

What do I do, what do I do, what do I fucking do? I can't tell him, I can't, I can't, I-

"I- fuck. Cas, I-"

Dean frantically shook his head, cursed the sudden hint of tears he could feel stinging in the corners of his eyes, lowered his head in the hope Cas wouldn't notice.

"I can't", he said, rushed, desperate, scared. "No, I- I can't. Please, I can't tell you. You're gonna hate me. You're gonna hate me if I tell you, and I can't have that, Cas, I couldn't stand it if you hated me and I never again got to- shit-"

"Dean?" Cas sounded so worried, his voice was so soft and pleading. Dean couldn't stand it.

"Please. I promise that I won't hate you", the angel said, punching a bitter little laugh out of Dean that he hated himself for as soon as it left his lips.

I know you mean well. I know you mean it.

But they all say that.

'I don't hate you. It's not you, It's me. I won't leave.'

And then they always do.

"You can't promise that."

"I can." The way Cas said it, Dean could almost believe him. Almost.

"Dean, please look at me."

He did. His head lifted of its own accord, green eyes meeting blue, unable to deny Cas anything he asked.

"I know I could never hate you", he told him, obviously convinced of his own words. It made the pain knowing it wasn't true sting even worse.

"Do you know? Do you know why Lucifer-?"

"Yeah", Dean breathed hoarsely, had to. "Yeah, he- I told Sam I don't remember, but I-"

He couldn't tell Cas. He had to tell Cas. Cas deserved to know. Dean deserved the pain of Cas turning from him as soon as he knew.

"Dean?" He said his name so softly, so carefully, but there was a slight waver in his voice he couldn't quite hide. "What happened?"

He had to tell him. He knew he had to. He had no right to keep it to himself. Cas deserved all the facts before he decided how to proceed with him. It hadn't been fair to hold it back in the first place. Dean had been selfish, too scared to lose Cas if he knew. But he couldn't be selfish anymore, not when Cas looked at him like that, not when Cas had trusted him with this. He'd betrayed that trust long enough.

Dean swallowed hard, released a long breath.

"It was the night I didn't come home a few months ago", he finally said, quiet, struggling to keep his voice steady. "I'd actually..." I'd been thinking about you, he didn't say. Too much. "I drank a lot." Also too much. "Slept at a motel. He...he came into my dream, Cas. He used- He used you." He couldn't stop his voice from cracking at that, didn't have the strength to try and hide how lost he sounded, how pleading. "I thought it was you, when I said yes, I- I didn't know. And he saw. He saw what I wanted from you, with you, and he must've- must've decided to use it against us."

Us. Is there still an us? Was there ever?

"I'm so sorry, Cas", Dean breathed, releasing the words he had thought over and over in the last months. "I'm so, so sorry. If I hadn't- if I'd just come home...if I'd just controlled myself better then he wouldn't- he wouldn't have seen, and then he wouldn't...I dunno what he'd have done instead but-"

He trailed off, closed his eyes, waited and steeled himself for the inevitable blow to come, the hurt, the accusations, the words that would end everything they had shared in the last weeks, maybe everything they had shared since they met.

"I thought it was because of me."

Whatever Dean had expected, it hadn't been this.

His heartbeat stopped, his eyes snapping open.

"What?"

"I thought-" Cas swallowed, looked at him with wide eyes. "I thought it was my fault. I thought he knew...knew that I-"

Cas broke off, but held their gaze, something in his eyes sending an electric shock down Dean's spine.

Knew that he...that he what?

"That you what?", he asked out loud, had to ask, held his breath without meaning to while he waited for Cas to answer, and when he finally did, it was like all air had been sucked out of the room.

"That I wanted you."

Silence.

Breathing.

There didn't seem to be a single sensible thought in Dean's head.

"You what?"

He was surprised he managed to form any words at all, couldn't figure out what was going on. Cas couldn't mean what Dean thought he meant. This couldn't be happening. Cas couldn't smile at him like he did now, soft and sad and beautiful.

"I- I wanted this too, Dean. Wanted you", Cas said, small and quiet, but not hesitant in the slightest. "I- I still do", he admitted. "I just can't...can't act on it the same way anymore. But he could just as easily have found out about me and...my desires. It wasn't your fault."

My desires. Cas' desires. Cas had desires? Desires about...oh God.

"You...you do? You want-"

His stammering would have been embarrassing if he'd had enough brain capacity left to worry about such trivialities. And Cas just kept smiling like that.

"Yes. Of course."

Of course.

Of course, Cas had said. As if it was obvious. How ridiculous.

"Didn't know you were even into that", Dean managed, swallowing, hard. "At all. And then...dudes." And me. Me of all- "I mean you didn't even show interest in any chicks so I thought-"

"You're right." Cas nodded in confirmation. "I've never been interested in anyone else. There was no room for anyone else, Dean. Not with you already occupying all of it."

He said it as if it was the easiest thing in the world to admit. Just put it out there like that, so thoughtless, so easy. When would that angel learn that he couldn't just say stuff like that?

"Cas..."

He didn't really know why he started speaking, had no clue how to bring that sentence to an end. But there was no need, Cas just kept talking, either not aware that Dean stood at the edge of a mental breakdown or choosing not to give it any mind.

"I'm not sure if my wanting you made it harder or easier, in that moment...", he said to the room, almost absentmindedly, before shaking his head and refocusing on Dean. "It doesn't matter. We're here now. We can...we can make this work, Dean. I want to get back there. To the way I wanted you...before. Do you think you can help me get there?"

Before. Cas still wanted him. He wanted to be able to want him again...freely.

Shit, yes.

"Yeah." Dean nodded, scratching his sanity together. "Yeah, I want that."

"Good."

Cas gave him a brilliant smile then, a smile Dean had been quite sure he'd never see directed his way again at some point during this conversation. He still couldn't quite grasp how they'd come from admitting his shame to this, but damn him if he wouldn't take it.

"And you're really...you're really not mad?", he had to ask nevertheless, the thought of Cas putting on a brave face now but secretly blaming Dean after all, have that wound hidden in the dark where it could fester...it was too much to bear. "I'm sorry I kept this from you for so long, I knew I should've told you, should've done that a long time ago, it's just...I was scared and I-"

I didn't wanna lose you. I can't lose you. Please, God please, I can't-

"Dean." Cas reached out and took Dean's hand, entwining their fingers, making sure he captured Dean's undivided attention. "I told you, it wasn't your fault. You've been used too. You're allowed to be hurting. Just because you're helping me heal doesn't mean you need to be fine."

And until this moment, Dean hadn't even been aware how much he needed Cas to tell him that it was okay not to be fine. He'd been so focused on making his actions excusable that he'd forgotten to consider that maybe there was nothing that needed excising.

"We can help to heal each other", Cas said, a soft smile on his lips that made Dean's eyes sting again. "It's okay not to feel fine, Dean. Actually, it's just...it's okay to feel, you know?"

Dean nodded.

And for once, he actually meant it.