Chapter Fourteen

Hello hello, my lovely people. I am back again!
Doing GISH rn, so it took a little longer, but here we finally are. I hope the scenes in this aren't too repetitive, but this is what came to me. Look forward to some angsty Cas with hurt/comfort ensuing now that Cas has to deal with the new knowledge he gained last time!

Thanks for reading as always, love yall, looking forward to hearing from you!

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

It did change things, knowing that Dean wanted him back.

Perhaps he didn't reciprocate all of Cas' feelings, but physical attraction was already more than Cas ever dared hope for, and it made him wonder if maybe...maybe they could continue this new relationship even after their practice arrangement had ended.

He hadn't talked to Dean about it, wasn't even quite sure what he'd want Dean to say - what if he said no? As long as they didn't bring it up, Cas could at least clutch to the possibility. What if he said yes? Would it be a relief? Would it make things easier, having Dean like this, permanently? Or would it be even harder, being closer to the thing he wanted, but still not quite there, reachable and yet out of reach? Would it slowly drive him insane, knowing that what they shared was an emotional bond that didn't go beyond friendship, and the physical aspect was just...that? Physical? Would it hurt less, being closer to Dean, or would it hurt more, always being reminded that the most important thing was missing? Cas couldn't tell.

He had seen the movie Friends With Benefits once. He didn't really want that sort of relationship with Dean, but then again, the characters of Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake had ended up falling in love after all, right? Maybe this new closeness would help...would bring something that made Dean realize-

No, Castiel, you stop right there!

What was he even thinking about? How awful. If Dean couldn't love him the way Cas loved him, he had to accept that. Heavens, Cas had thought he already had accepted that. And here he was, plotting how to lure Dean to fall in love with him through sex?

He didn't truly want that. That wasn't him. He wanted Dean to want him...because it felt right. Not because he'd tried to force it.

Look at him, a day ago he'd thought it impossible that Dean would want him in any way, and now that he'd been given a little finger, he instantly groped for the whole hand. If this was all Dean would ever be able to give him, then Cas would take it, would cherish it, and would be grateful.

He'd always content himself with whatever Dean chose to give. Even if he couldn't stop his heart from hurting.

That was all a thought for later though. Right now, Cas tried to concentrate on this new revelation and the things it offered.

Dean wanted him. Dean actually wanted him! He didn't need to force himself to touch Cas, Cas didn't have to feel guilty about making Dean uncomfortable anymore, at least not when it came to physical aspects.

And now that he knew, he realized just how sure he must have been that there was no way Dean desired him, or he would surely have picked up on it before. The way Dean leaned into his touch, the sounds he made when Cas licked into his mouth, the way he breathed Cas' name inbetween kisses, how his eyes dilated and grew darker with arousal when he let them wander over Cas' bare skin. Cas had thought those were just natural physical reactions to another human's proximity, reflexes Dean couldn't control or stop - perhaps that Dean even had to imagine someone else to make it easier to touch Cas. The thought had stung, but he wouldn't have blamed Dean. Now though, knowing that he was truly the one doing these things to Dean...it was all so much better.

He felt emboldened, more confident in his touches than he had before, and Dean welcomed it all with enthusiastic consent, showed his approval in the way he moaned into Cas' mouth when he nipped at Dean's bottom lip, the way he writhed beneath Cas when their chests slid together.

It didn't take long until Dean stopped him the next time, gently breaking their kiss and guiltily glancing down between their bodies when Cas gave him a questioning look. Following his eyes, Cas shifted his weight on top of Dean, causing Dean's erection to brush against Cas' thigh before the angel had even seen it.

The choked sound Dean made at the contact was beautiful, but Cas still couldn't help it when he tensed, immediately seeing the worry in Dean's eyes when the hunter felt his muscles locking up beneath his hands.

"Sorry", Dean muttered. "I can't help it."

(He always tried to calm himself, tried to close his eyes and think of something else - but all he could see was blue.)

"I-It's fine, Dean, I just-"

"Hey, Cas. Try to relax." Dean let a soothing palm stroke down Cas' back. "You know that this doesn't need to lead anywhere, right? Especially not just because you feel like you have to, because of this. It won't lead anywhere, not yet. Not ever, if that's what you decide. We can just do this." He brushed his fingers through Cas hair and tightened his hold on his shoulders for emphasis. "For as long as you want."

"But you..." Cas swallowed. "I don't want to leave you unsatisfied."

"Nonono." Dean shook his head. "I don't want you to think that way."

He looked at Cas for a moment before he made move to roll on his side. Admittedly, it was slightly awkward, having this conversation with Cas still hovering over Dean, propped up on his arms.

"Hey, c'mon."

Dean patted on the spot next to him, mentioning Cas lie down so they were side by side, leaning against the headboard.

"Sure, my body's not lyin'", Dean said once they were settled. "I do enjoy this. A lot. But I wouldn't enjoy going further if it meant you had to push yourself for my sake, Cas." He smiled. "Sometimes waiting until both partners are ready and sharing small intimacies along the way is a lot more satisfying."

"Really?"

Cas could hear the conflict in his own voice, doubt mixing with a hopeful undertone.

"Of course. Cas, not every touch has to end with going all the way, not even between people who..."

Love each other, Cas could hear unspoken in the silence, knowing it was his own wishful thinking.

"-people who want each other", Dean finished, not quite what Cas wanted to hear, but close enough for now. "There's more than one way to experience intimacy", Dean explained. "Just...physical closeness can be enough sometimes, better than having sex, even."

Cas couldn't hide that he was slightly taken aback by that declaration. Especially from Dean. Not that he didn't think Dean capable of showing affection just for the sake of it, without intent. Dean was the most loving person he had ever met, and he was sure, whoever Dean would choose to bestow his love upon would be the most blessed creature in all of existence for receiving all the love and care Dean had to offer.

He just hadn't thought Dean was the type for...random acts of affection. Usually.

Not with him, anyway.

Of course, it was different with someone you loved romantically, but... Dean had never been big on physical closeness with any of them, not even Sam. A pat on the shoulder or a hug were rare occurrences and therefore even more special to Cas whenever they happened. And if Dean craved the contact of another person, he usually satisfied that desire by indulging in quick, meaningless one-night stands.

Cas knew that sex was important to Dean. Cas also knew that Dean didn't seem to be very comfortable with touching outside of sex. And maybe even then he could only let go because he knew he would never be seeing any of his partners again. At least that was what Cas had always assumed.

So hearing Dean say that he thought casual touch, touching just for the sake of closeness, was just as important to him, maybe even more?

"I didn't-" Cas chewed on his bottom lip. "I wasn't aware."

The smile Dean gave him was all softness and warmth.

"You know...it's like there are two kinds of desire", Dean explained. "Physical and emotional. Sometimes you just crave physical contact, and if that's all you're interested in, it doesn't really matter who you get it from. If you feel attraction, that's enough. Sometimes not even that's really necessary. It's just sex. You wanna feel good and you find someone who can help you with that, that's it."

For a second Cas thought there was something like a shadow flitting over Dean's features, and he wondered if perhaps he was thinking of all the times Dean had sought out that sort of meaningless contact for his own comfort, a nameless body to warm his bed for the night.

"And for some people, that's enough", Dean went on. "They don't need more. They don't even want more. But for others, that can only give a limited amount of comfort. They also have an emotional desire. Not just physical closeness, not just skin contact, but actually feeling close to the other person. To feel a connection. And that only works with very special people. It's much easier with people you know, people you...like.

"Sometimes desire is not the need to have a mind-blowing orgasm, Cas", Dean said, a little smile playing around the corner of his mouth. "Sometimes actually having sex isn't just for that purpose, either. You can also have sex to feel close. But sometimes it doesn't need that. When it's just about feeling close to someone else...kissing or holding each other, heck even just lying next to each other can be enough to have that."

And what is this?, Cas wanted to ask. Between us? What sort of desire?

Cas already knew that for him, it was both.

And Dean...before this, he'd thought what Dean felt must be mostly physical attraction. For Cas that was born out of a place of love, the physical bond first and foremost a means to feel and increase the emotional bond.

But if Dean said he didn't mind not going further...if he said he'd gladly keep doing this just because it was with Cas...did that mean it was more than just..what Dean had called the physical desire?

But then, if he thought about it...it made sense. It didn't need romantic love to be emotionally involved. They were friends. Best friends, even. Maybe it was just that.

It's easier with people you know, Dean had said. People you like.

Like. Cas would take that. He'd have to. Knowing that Dean wanted to feel that emotional connection with him, in whatever form it took, would be enough.

"And you'd really be fine?", he asked, just to be sure. "Doing just this? For...a while?"

"Cas. How could I not be? Being with you, in any way, I told you - it's a gift to me, Cas. Just being able to hold you...give you comfort...it's..." Dean breathed out, lightly shook his head in what looked like happy disbelief. "I want you to feel...to know that you're safe with me."

"I do know. Of course I know, Dean."

"Good. So never doubt that I'm happy with anything you decide, Cas. As long as it's best for you, I'd never want it any other way, okay? Even if you never wanted to go beyond this, I'd happily do this for the rest of my life."

I don't want that for you, though, Cas couldn't help but think. I don't want that for us.

"Dean..."

But Dean broke him off.

"Do you believe me?", he simply asked, watching Cas intensely, and yes, of course Cas believed him, he believed Dean every word, but he felt so torn. He prayed that Dean wouldn't have to make good on his promise, wouldn't ever have to prove that he meant what he said. And at the same time he was so grateful, a heavy burden being lifted from him, a pressure he hadn't even known he'd put on himself, hearing that Dean would always be there, that Dean actually seemed to think he was enough, even if Cas couldn't give him more.

Deep down, Cas knew he still wasn't quite convinced Dean knew what he was getting himself into, knew there was still doubt left that Dean could want this, with him.

But he decided not to dwell on it now. He believed that Dean thought he meant what he said, even if he might not know what he was talking about. That had to be enough for now.

So Cas nodded, not bothering to hide the tears of relief and gratitude in his eyes, and Dean smiled, pulling him into his arms before the tears could start to fall, a hand driving soothingly through his hair.

"And you'll tell me whenever I do something that makes you uncomfortable, yeah?", he went on, his fingers stopping where they were buried in Cas' dark hair mid-stroke, apparently self-conscious about the sudden way he had just touched Cas without asking. "Even if it's just...taking your hand, stroking your hair, anything. I might touch you impulsively when I wanna comfort you, like right now, but if it has the opposite effect-"

"I'll tell you immediately", Cas promised, and Dean looked so pleased, even though it was him being so wonderful and considerate. Cas hardly knew where to put all the love he had for this man.

"Thank you", Dean said, because of course he would.

"No, thank you", Cas replied genuinely, feeling the need to give Dean at least some of the credit he deserved. "I don't know how I came to deserve you and your kindness, your patience, but-"

Dean just shrugged dismissively.

"Nah, you deserve so much more than that."

I love you, Cas thought and just for a moment, he allowed himself to believe that the way Dean's hands stroked through his hair, the way his arms held him tight, protected, the way his lips brushed over his temple...were all silently saying I love you too.

"This is fine, right?"

"It's...wonderful", Cas admitted, smiling against Dean's shoulder. "I like it. It's very nice."

"'M glad, angel."

Angel. Dean had started calling him that a lot recently. Cas liked it.

He could clearly hear Dean's own smile even if he couldn't see it, and Cas had to suppress a sound that bordered dangerously close on a purr when Dean's fingers began to travel more confidently through the unruly strands of hair.

"And don't you worry about me anymore, yeah?", he heard Dean murmur when he closed his eyes. "I wouldn't want to go further. Not like this. Not before you...not before we can go there together."

Together, Cas thought.

That was the only way he ever wanted to go anywhere ever again.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

It didn't actually take long for Cas to feel the desire to go somewhere he hadn't dared so far.

The knowledge that Dean wanted his touch instead of just wanting to help, that the sounds he made were for him and not just a natural reaction to stimuli, that his feelings were at least partly reciprocated - it bathed everything they had done so far in a whole new light.

The confidence it had gained Cas lead to a new discovery, the act of knowingly bringing Dean pleasure woke reactions in Cas (and his body) that he had only experienced mildly so far.

Of course, being touched as they had touched, and by Dean no less, could not have gone without a certain amount of arousal on Cas' part. But it had always remained dim, like something was bubbling under the surface but never breaking through. Perhaps his body had repressed any physical reactions so far, had kept his excitement at bay because his psyche wasn't ready to deal with its consequences. As pleasant as kissing and touching had been so far, they had never ventured into deliberately sexual territory, and the experience of heightened sexual pleasure was still a stained memory stuck in Cas' mind, overshadowed by pain and the raw force that had been used to inflict said pain and pleasure alike.

Now though, to his own surprise, Cas found himself more and more drawn to explore that previously untouched (pun not intended) area of sexual touches, especially when it came to bringing Dean that sort of pleasure.

He'd been hesitant before, not just for his own sake, but Dean's as well, knowing better than anyone how it felt to receive unwanted touches. Not that he would compare what happened to him with Dean's situation, but...

Now, though? With the certainty Dean would not only bear, but actually welcome it...He would never have initiated anything to deliberately induce arousal without knowing Dean was comfortable with something more sexual between them, but now that he had permission...

The first time Cas ever dared to let his thump glide over a nipple, he didn't regret having taken that liberty.

It was beautiful, the way Dean gasped into his mouth when he squeezed the little bud between two fingers, how his body writhed beneath him, how he moaned a broken Cas in surprised pleasure.

"Is this okay?", Cas asked then, and Dean nodded enthusiastically, green eyes dark and hooded, licking his lips in anticipation.

"But I won't-" Dean swallowed to catch his breath. "I won't be able to control...y'know", he warned. "I can barely keep it together with you just kissing me."

Dean blushed slightly at the admission, a shy smile on his lips.

"Really? It affects you that much?"

"You affect me that much, Cas."

"Oh." Cas couldn't stop the pleased smile he felt spreading on his face. "I-I see."

"Is...that okay?", Dean asked carefully, mirroring Cas' question from before.

"Yes, Dean. That is very okay."

"Good."

Dean looked actually relieved, and Cas simply had to lean forward and kiss him, a chaste little thing to reassure them both that turned deeper and more heated, and before Cas knew it he had Dean pinned beneath him again, licking hungrily into his mouth and swallowing his moans while his thumb drew circles around the hardening bud of Dean's nipple.

He let his instinct take over and trailed a path of kisses down Dean's jaw, over his neck and to his shoulder, lightly nibbling on the skin to hear Dean's breath hitch. His mouth followed the line of Dean's collarbone, exploring every new patch of skin with lips and tongue after his fingers had trailed over the same spots so many times before. When Cas finally arrived at Dean's chest, it felt natural to experimentally flick out his tongue against the little bud there, earning him a groan of his name. It was satisfying beyond words to test out what would drive Dean wild, what sounds he could draw out of him, what would make his hands tighten in the sheets. When he finally found the courage to take a nipple in his mouth and suck lightly, Dean's fingers flew to Cas' hair and fisted in the strands, causing Cas to groan around the nub between his lips.

"Cas..."

Dean sounded more breathless than he had ever heard him, and it sent a thrill down Cas' spine.

I did this, was all he could think.

"Hm?"

He kept peppering kisses on Dean's chest, traveled to the side he had neglected so far, just brushing his lips over the sensitive patch of skin.

"Don't-" Dean panted heavily. "Don't stop. Jeez, I mean if you wanna stop, you can, but-"

"Do you want me to stop?"

The words were murmured into Dean's skin, but he paused his ministrations for a second, waiting.

"God, no."

That was all the permission Cas needed. His tongue licked a broad stripe where his lips had lingered, and Dean's back arched off the mattress, seeking more.

It was a blur of sensation and sound after that, Cas exploring, Dean responding absolutely beautifully, proclaiming his pleasure, heightening his arousal as well as Cas' own. He barely noticed it this time when he moved his hips in a way that made Dean's obvious erection press against his thigh.

But then a sudden jolt of pleasure rushed through him, starting in his groin and spreading through his body like a trail of fire.

Cas gasped in surprise, stopping the work of his mouth and hands on Dean's skin in order to lean back. Looking down, he just then realized that the constant dull pulsing of arousal had grown to a slight ache, and for the first time since it had happened, Cas found himself sporting an erection himself, which had accidentally brushed Dean's.

An almost sickening wave of panic washed over him, and even though he knew it was irrational, he couldn't stop it, couldn't stop his breathing from going rushed and ragged, couldn't stop his heart from racing in his chest, couldn't stop his hands from pushing his body up, away from Dean and his warmth, his skin, his-

A hand closing around his length, stroking harsher the more he struggled.

Pressure against his prostate, forcing him to stay erect.

"Cas?"

He barely registered Dean getting up as well, his vision cloudy and hearing dulled.

"Don't fight it, Cas", he recalled Dean's voice, panted into his ear from behind, a body's weight draped over his back to keep him in place, the stimulation sending jolts of pleasure down his spine and into his painfully hard cock. "Doesn't it feel good?"

"Cas? Cas, I'm sorry", Dean's present voice brought him out of his mind and back to the world. "I should have stopped you sooner, I shouldn't have let you push yourself-"

The images kept trying to invade his mind, but the fear, guilt and worry shining from those green eyes kept him anchored in the present.

Cas was glad that Dean had obviously spotted his...problem and he wouldn't have to explain, but the words Dean said were all wrong.

"I'm sorry", Cas said, shaking his head violently. "I'm so sorry. It was my fault. I don't know why I-"

Why I still react like that, why I still can't, even though I want to, I still can't-

"I'm so sorry", he repeated, the words escaping in a whimper, the tears that had formed in his eyes spilling over and clouding his sight.

He could vaguely make out how Dean hesitantly reached out for him and instinctively threw himself into the contact, craving the comfort he knew waited in Dean's arms.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Dean combed through his hair like he'd gotten used to doing whenever he tried to soothe Cas. "It's alright."

"I don't-", Cas hiccuped, "-don't know why I reacted like that. It felt good, I just- I could suddenly see- all those pictures, I just-"

"I know." Dean kissed his temple, let his lips linger there, warm breath ghosting through Cas' hair. "I know, angel. You don't have to explain yourself."

(Cas knew he didn't have to. That was why he needed to.)

"I want this", he told Dean truthfully. "You have to believe me. I want to, I want you, just give me a little time-"

"All of it, Cas", Dean replied without hesitation. "You have all the time in the world. We're doing this for you, remember? Because you asked. This isn't for me. By which I don't mean I don't want you, I do", he added, feeling Cas stiffen slightly in his arms. "But only if it makes you happy okay? Only at your own pace."

He was pleased to note that Cas relaxed again, even cuddling a bit closer.

"Okay", came the whispered reply, hoarse from the tears that were still running relentlessly down the angel's cheeks.

"Shhh. It's fine. You're fine." Dean rested his chin on Cas' head, inhaled the scent of his hair as he held him tighter. "We're fine, Cas."

I love you, he added in thought as he did so often, wishing he could say it out loud.

Cas just sobbed harder.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

Ik Ik Ik I'm sorry to end it here, I really am. The next chapter will basically take up where we left off here, but it just got too long...Again... anyway, I hope the next chapter won't take too long and that we'll also see a bit more of Dean's pov there. But yeah, I already planned and started the chapter sooo...fingers crossed!