Chapter Fifteen
It was fucking 6am when I posted this on Ao3 this morning and I didn't have the energy left to do it here too so now here it it a couple hours later. I am not sure to what amount I like this chapter but we all know I can't throw it away anyway so here you go. Sorry if I missed some typos or stuff, I was kiiiinda tired for some unfathomable reason. Cramps are the worst.
At least there's a reference in here that was a nice little self-indulgence. I won't tell you what it is yet, though. Hope everyone who knows it will approve:)
As always, I hope you enjoy, looking forward to hearing from you!
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
Cas was plagued by a nightmare that night, the first one he'd had in weeks.
They had decided to go to bed early after Cas had calmed down, but Dean had been lying awake a long time. He'd had one of his weekly phone calls with Sam, and he couldn't shrug what his brother kept telling him.
It had been an awkward affair to say the least, that first time they'd called after starting the arrangement, explaining to Sam what they planned on achieving by doing this practicing, but as it had turned out, Sam had been far less shocked by anything Dean told him than the older Winchester had expected. Actually, he seemed far too not surprised.
And that was how Dean had learned that his brother knew. All this time.
It wasn't as if Dean hadn't known that Sammy would accept everything without questions if he ever told him about the whole...bi thing or whatever. He had known. Kinda. But that didn't mean that he'd ever actually planned on bringing it up. There was no use, not as long as Dean was sure that he would never act on it anyway.
Not with anyone. Certainly not with Cas.
But now here they were.
Eye-sex, Sam had called him. Whatever the hell he could possibly mean by that, but according to Sammy, they did it a lot. And always had. Ever since Castiel had shown up in that barn.
"I'm pretty sure there are still bets going when you guys would finally get together", Sam said.
Dean had frozen at that. So not only Sam knew, but apparently everyone knew? Fucking Hell.
But that wasn't even what really made him pause.
"We're not together, Sammy", he'd said. "It's not like that."
And that was what he'd kept telling Sam, and himself. His brother didn't sound convinced (neither was Dean's heart), but he'd let it rest, for a time.
"But you know...Dean, you know that it would be fine, right? If you were?", he'd just said, because of course he would. He knew Dean and his messed-up psyche like the back of his hand. "I don't care, if that's what you're afraid of. I never have. I just want you to be happy. And Cas, too."
Dean had smiled despite himself, had actually had to keep a silent tear from rolling down his cheek.
"Thanks, Sammy."
And that had been the end of it. They kept calling, Dean kept updating Sam on their progress. No details, obviously. Gross. Just how they were doing, if Cas was getting better, Sam reassuring him that he didn't mind staying with friends as long as it took, until it would be 'safe' to return to the bunker, as he called it.
Until today.
"You gotta tell him, Dean", Sam had said, voice soft but serious.
"Tell him what?"
"You know exactly what I mean."
Dean had gritted his teeth.
"No, I don't."
"Dean, come on." Sam had sighed. "Don't do that, man. Don't make this harder on both of us."
"Sammy, I-"
"Dean." His brother's tone had suffocated every denial ready on Dean's tongue. "You gotta tell him. I dunno how far you guys went, or how far you plan to. And I really don't wanna know, believe me. But dude, you have to tell him before this goes too far."
In his heart, Dean knew Sam was right. He'd known from the beginning. But his head told him it would just turn his world into shards.
"I can't", he finally said. He didn't even want to deny it anymore. He was too tired.
"Why not?"
"Sammy, he doesn't- I can't, not if he doesn't-"
"What if he does?"
A bitter laugh had escaped Dean's throat.
Sure.
"He's...I mean look at him. He's gorgeous and smart and funny and-" adorable with his little squints and the head tilt thingy and the trenchcoat and the sex hair and just everything, he's damn perfect and- "and a frickin angel, Sam. And I'm-"
"Just as gorgeous and smart and funny?"
Dean snorted.
"Yeah, right."
More like a giant fuck-up with suicidal tendencies and a ton of daddy issues.
"Dean-"
"Sammy. No. I can't, okay? I can't risk it. I couldn't-" He'd swallowed hard, the thought alone making all his insides clench. "I couldn't bear to lose him", he admitted silently, and it had felt huge, even though he was aware that Sam probably knew.
"I can't tell you what to do", his brother had said softly. "I can't force you to tell him. But I still wish you would. And what I do know is that you need each other. This is not...Dean, what you're doing for him right now, that he's asked you to be the one to do it...don't you see what that means?"
Even over the phone, Dean could hear the frustration, but above all the sadness in it when Sam sighed again.
"I know how you see yourself, Dean", he'd said, "but that's not how I see you, and neither is it how Cas sees you. He knows you, Dean, maybe even better than you know yourself, in ways that you refuse to see. He looks at you as if you hung the moon and the stars, dude, and he was there when they were created.
"All I ask is...if he makes you happy, don't ruin that because you think you don't deserve it. I'm just scared that...you won't tell him for the risk of losing him, and then end up losing him because you never told him."
A pause, Dean swallowing thickly in the silence.
"This situation is fucked up, man", Sam had finally ended. "But whatever you decide, just think about it. Please. Don't you think he deserves to know? Don't you think that...right now, Cas has never needed it more to be told how much he actually means to you?"
He couldn't get it out of his head. Of course Cas deserved to know.
The question was...would he want to know?
Because if he didn't, and in Dean's mind, there was more than a small chance that he didn't, it might end everything they had created here. Not only the new relationship they'd established through the practicing sessions, maybe even the friendship it was built on.
And Dean couldn't lose that. It would kill him to lose that. Perhaps even literally.
The times Cas had died had made it impossible for Dean to pretend as if he didn't depend on the angel's presence in his life. He needed it. He needed him.
And God, did he need him. He needed him like he needed to eat and to breathe. He needed him to smile and to laugh and to be happy. And he needed it to be because of him.
And friendship was enough for that. He could make Cas happy, as long as they were friends. Nothing else mattered, even if Dean's heart would always keep crying out for more.
He'd tried to stop it, at first. After the denial, after he'd given up on telling himself he didn't feel more. He'd tried to make it stop, to fall out of love again somehow.
Please stop, he'd wanted to say. Stop looking at me, stop being too kind and too caring and too gentle. Stop messing with my head, messing with my heart. You don't even know you took it, and I didn't know I'd handed it over before it was already too late. I'd like it back, please. Because I can't let you keep it, not if you don't know it's yours, not if you'd refuse it if you knew. So how is it I still want to live without my heart if that means it's in your hands?
He couldn't. Of course he couldn't. Maybe he just couldn't because deep down, he didn't actually want to. It wasn't all bad, loving Cas. Actually, he kind of liked loving Cas. It was a good feeling, warm and beautiful and fluttery, it was a happy feeling, except for the part with it being quite one-sided, of course. And Dean couldn't think of anyone he'd rather feel stupidly fluttery about whenever he looked at them.
And it had been so much work, accepting that this love existed. Accepting himself after he'd accepted that this love existed. He couldn't just let it go and throw it away after he'd walked that long, bumpy road to get here.
And it had been hard. But Dean wasn't surprised it had been so hard, even remotely getting out of the closet after he'd lived in the damn thing ever since he could remember. His father had basically built it for him, told him to stay in there, and in the endless string of motel rooms that came and went, those were the only four walls that didn't change. He hadn't realized they were a cage, or maybe he had and just hadn't cared, because they were all he had, not a house, not a home, yet the only place he hadn't needed to leave.
Until he found a new home.
First in Baby. Then the bunker.
And finally in Cas.
The angel in question stirred in his sleep, ripping Dean out of his deep thoughts. He could hear him whimper into his pillow, just pitiful sounds that Dean tried to soothe with his hands stroking Cas' arms where the angel had rolled into his side in his sleep.
"No", he could make out between the babbled words. "Dean, no, please."
Dean froze at that, fearing for a second that Cas had woken up and didn't want his touch, but then he saw he was still fast asleep, his face wrinkled in distress.
Was he dreaming of...? Dean's heart clenched painfully.
"Dean", Cas whimpered again, "No, Dean, please, don't leave me."
Dean stared at him, wondering if he'd heard correctly, but yes, stay, Cas breathed out, his hands clenching in Dean's shirt as if to keep him from leaving even in his unconscious state.
Dean's heart skipped a beat.
"Cas", he whispered, slightly shaking Cas' shoulder. "Hey, wake up, angel, c'mon."
Cas stirred, eyes flying open to immediately lock with Dean's, and a breathy exhale left the angel's lungs as his fingers tightened even more around the fabric of Dean's tee.
"Dean."
Cas looked like he might pass out from relief, casing an entirely new sort of pain in Dean's chest. A hand lifted to Dean's face, stroking over his cheeks as if to make sure he was real.
"Hey, angel." Dean attempted a smile. "Welcome back."
"You were gone...", Cas whispered, and his voice sounded far away, as if he was still half-caught in the dreamworld, wide blue eyes staring, "I thought-"
"T'was just a dream", Dean whispered back. "I'm here. Just a dream."
He took the hand resting on his face and entwined their fingers for emphasis, leading it to his mouth so he could press a tender kiss to Cas' palm. The angel's eyes filled with tears, but he quickly blinked them away, resting his forehead against Dean's.
"Sorry I woke you."
Dean could feel Cas' warm breath ghosting across his face, and he shook his head slightly.
"It's fine. Don't worry about it."
Dean let go of Cas' hand, but only to wrap an arm around his waist and hold him closer, happy to find that Cas was sneaking an arm around him in return. The hand that was still stroking Cas' hair settled on the back of his head as Dean closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
"You were dreaming about...me being gone?", he asked hesitantly, recalling Cas' mumbled pleas. He didn't want to force Cas to talk about it, but if this was truly something the angel was afraid of, then maybe Dean could dispel his worries.
Cas nodded against Dean's cheek and Dean sighed softly.
"Is that...is that something you're scared of, Cas?" Still? "I'd never do that to you. You know that, right?"
His heart ached when he felt Cas slightly shrugging his shoulders.
"I couldn't blame you", he said quietly, and Dean was sure something inside him just shattered. "And even though you said so, I couldn't hold you to such a promise, Dean."
He looked up, sad blue eyes meeting green.
"What if my grace never fully recharges?", Cas asked quietly. "What if the scars left by the sigil will always keep me from returning to my full power? What use am I to you, or to Sam? To any of you? If I can't help you anymore? And now I thought...when you told me you wanted..I thought maybe this could be something I could give you at least, and then I- I couldn't even do that, Dean, and I just-"
Cas pressed his lips together, already fighting tears again, and Dean couldn't stand seeing him cry anymore.
"Cas. Hey, no. What are you talking about, man?"
He tried to catch the angel's gaze again, lightly tilting his head up with a finger beneath his chin.
"What use?" Dean's brow wrinkled, the word feeling too heavy on his tongue.
Is that what he thinks? That that's all we're interested in? He can't seriously believe that...
"We don't keep you around because you're useful, Cas", Dean said, even though everything in him screamed that Cas had to know that. "Of course we're grateful for your help, that mojo of yours saved our asses more than once, but it's not why we're friends. Cas...you're not a tool to us." Not a blunt instrument, his mind couldn't help but add.
"Angel..." Dean tenderly brushed a lost strand of hair out of Cas' forehead, smiled softly. "I don't call you that because that's all you're worth to me. You don't need to do anything for us to want you here, okay?"
He looked at Cas, hoping for some sort of confirmation, but the angel just stared back at him with wide, vulnerable eyes.
"And if your grace never comes back, then we'll deal with it, together", Dean promised. "You're my best friend, Cas. You're family. And we..."
We love you. I love you. More than anything. Say it, Dean, just say it!
"-we care so much about you", he heard himself finish. Coward!
He wanted to say it. He needed to say it. But he couldn't.
Cas wasn't the only one with a fear of being left, being abandoned. It wouldn't be the first time Cas was the one who left in the end. And Dean still waited for the day he realized that this time, Cas wouldn't return.
But here, now, Cas was right there, safe and sound in his arms where he belonged, and Dean intended to keep it that way for as long as possible.
If the feelings had to stay bottled up and caged in then at least there was no risk of Cas walking away because of them.
"And that stuff you said about..." Dean swallowed hard, "not even being able to give me...this?" The thumb on Cas' back skipped out to stroke down his side. "Get that out of your head real fast. For one, you'll get there. I promise. And second, I meant it when I told you this is not for me. You don't need to do anything for me to earn your place here, not in our home, and certainly not in this bed."
I don't want to leave you unsatisfied, Cas had said yesterday. It was just what Dean had feared would happen if Cas knew Dean desired him.
"So if you're pushing yourself for me, because you're afraid I'll not want you anymore, then don't. I will never stop wanting you, Cas", he admitted truthfully. "Jeez, up until a few weeks ago I thought angels didn't even feel that sort of attraction, and it didn't change a thing about my-"
He swallowed.
My feelings for you, my love for you.
"-about...you and me", he said instead, "the way we...care about each other. Even if we never go beyond kissing I'd rather be here with you than with anyone else. It's you I want, Cas. Not just your body."
...and woah, Dean felt like he just put his whole heart out there even though he barely said anything of all the emotion that was locked up there.
And yet, Cas looked at him as if it was more than he'd ever dared hope for.
"Dean-"
"Shh." Dean kissed his forehead, cut him off when he heard Cas' choked voice. "Don't worry anymore, ok? You have all the time in the world and you can go as slow and as far as you want, at any time. I'll always be here, Cas. Always."
"I-" Cas looked up at him, fighting to hold the tears back and failing this time as a sob forced its way out of his throat. Dean just held him, kissed the trails on his cheeks away.
"I don't know what to say", Cas whispered, and Dean loved him so much it hurt.
"You don't need to say anything. Just get it into your head. You're stuck with me, angel."
Cas' only response was to kiss him, turning his head until he could capture Dean's mouth with his, and Dean instantly kissed back, let Cas lead, taking everything he got and giving just as much in return, no more, no less. Cas made sounds of deep relief against his lips, sighing as he melted into his embrace, clinging desperately to Dean's body. When the kiss finally broke, Cas lost no time basically moulding himself against Dean's chest, resting his face in the column of his neck.
"Can we just...stay like this for a bit?", the angel asked, painting a smile on Dean's face as he stroked a reassuring hand down Cas' back.
"'Course, Cas."
He listened to the sound of their combined breathing, glad to hear how Cas' grew slower and deeper the longer they lay there, allowed himself to be swallowed by the comfort of feeling the angel's warmth in his arms and against his chest. He couldn't tell how much time had passed when Cas finally stirred again, it could have been minutes or hours, Dean wouldn't have cared.
~oOo~
"Dean?"
"Mhm?"
Cas leaned back a little, just enough to be able to look at Dean without missing his closeness too much.
"Could you-" He bit his bottom lip shyly, aware that this might be a strange request to make. "I mean...Would you sing to me again?"
Dean's eyebrows shot up in surprise.
"You want me to sing?"
"Only if you wouldn't mind. You did once", Cas recalled. "One night when the nightmares were still worse. I liked it. It was soothing."
Dean nodded. Cas liked the soft little smile curling the corner of his mouth.
"I remember."
"I dreamed of you leaving that night, too", it tumbled from his lips before he could stop it. Well, he guessed now that Dean already knew of his fear, it didn't matter anymore. "I never told you that. Back then it was...I was afraid your guilt and disgust might drive you away", he admitted, something cold settling in his chest at the memory of those first days when he still hadn't been sure of Dean. Or himself, really. "But...you stayed. I didn't understand why."
Dean shrugged lightly.
"Because you were more important", he said, and somehow, it sounded like both the easiest thing to say and the hardest thing to admit. "More than my guilt and my anger."
Cas still had to get used to this Dean, this Dean who said such things, and made them sound like a relief and an embarrassment at the same time. He didn't quite know how to estimate it all the time, but was grateful nevertheless. He guessed that Dean pushed himself past his comfort zone because he knew Cas needed to hear the things he usually wouldn't have said, but even Cas himself could only begin to understand how deep that need was actually rooted.
"It was worse, that nightmare", Cas said, more comfortable admitting his own truths whenever he witnessed Dean letting his guard down as well. "Worse than those about...you know. I know, I've had to leave you many times, Dean. But I always wished I didn't have to. I don't like being parted from you."
He could feel Dean's arms tightening slightly around him, and he couldn't help but imagine that Dean's subconscience wanted to keep him in place, to hold him there, protect him from the prospect of having to leave once again.
"I didn't like it either." It was just a whisper, muttered into Cas' hair, but in Cas' ears, it rang clear as a bell. "When you left. Always thought maybe this time you wouldn't come back." Dean sighed, and it was a heavy sound, like the weight of the world was bottled up in it. "Just like everyone else. They all left, sooner or later."
Cas' heart ached for the man who was still wrapped around him so tightly, and he instinctively clenched his fingers to fist at the back of Dean's tee, like a physical reminder that he would never let him go.
"You needn't have worried." Cas cuddled impossibly closer. "I could never stay away from you."
There was a short pause, Cas could feel Dean's heartbeat through the black shirt where he lay pressed against his chest.
"What do you want me to sing?"
Oh, right. He'd almost forgotten.
"I liked that song. Last time. I..ah. I liked the words."
"Really." He could hear the little smile in Dean's voice. "Mmm. If you liked that I think I have an even better one."
And then he was already singing. Cas recognized the song immediately. He loved Musicals. It had been one of the first movie genres that genuinely intrigued him, and even though he had complained in full I'm-classic-rock-Dean fashion, the hunter had finally agreed to educate him in the field of iconic Musicals. Cas had always been sure that Dean secretly enjoyed them too, and here we was, humming the first notes to a classic from Phantom of the Opera.
"No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears,
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
"Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears,
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you."
And indeed, just as he sang it, Dean lifted a hand to tenderly wipe the damp corners of Cas' eyes with his thumb, and the warmth spreading in his whole body made Cas' eyes flutter shut just as that thumb wandered to stroke over his cheekbone.
"Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light,
you're safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.
"Say you need me with you now and always
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
That's all I ask of you."
Cas knew the song well, had always associated it with Dean, every word expressing what he wished he could tell him.
And he knew the words of the chorus that Dean had deliberately skipped, noticed the line he'd changed, knew the words of the partner in this song that was supposed to be a duet.
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime, it said.
Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning.
Promise me that all you say is true, Cas thought as the last notes faded in the air around them, his eyes closed, and it didn't take long before the warm shelter of Dean's arms had lulled him into a dreamless sleep, so he was unaware of Dean finally completing that last line, silently mumbled into his ear once he was sure Cas wouldn't hear.
"Love me", he whispered, "that's all I ask of you."
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
So yeah, lyrics from "All I Ask Of You" from Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber, obviously. I gotta rewatch that.