Chapter Sixteen

Not gonna say too much as not to spoil anything. Just saying a big step is made once more...

Excited to hear your thoughts as always! screeeeeeeeeeeeeee

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"You're always so careful."

Dean paused in his trail of kissing down Cas' jaw, leaning back a bit to look down at him.

Dean had been gentle and considerate from the beginning, and maybe it was just Cas' imagination, but ever since they had tried and failed to take the next step, he thought to notice that Dean was even more cautious, keeping his touches light and asking permission even more often than before.

"Hm." The hunter's brows drew together in contemplation. "Is that not what you want?"

"Nono", Cas reached up to stroke a soothing hand through Dean's hair, calming his worried expression, "it's fine, it's perfect, it's just..."

He closed his eyes for a second. Perhaps this was stupid. He knew it was far from Dean's intention to make him feel this way, all Dean wanted was to make him feel safe and cared for, and God he did, but after three days of watching, feeling Dean loosen his grip and soften every press of lips as soon as they turned a bit more passionate, Cas couldn't help but wonder if...

He sighed.

"I don't want you to feel like I'm made of glass", he finally admitted, small, quiet, "like I'm something fragile. Just because I've been...hurt, doesn't mean I've been broken."

He forced himself not to avert his eyes, commanded his voice not to waver.

"Do you think I...do you think I'm broken, Dean?"

Dean's eyes instantly widened in shock, his mouth opening as he sat up, pulling Cas along with him.

"God, no, Cas, of course not." He shook his head. "Please don't think I see you that way. I just don't want to make this harder on you", he explained, and of course, Cas knew.

He managed a smile.

"I know, I know", he promised. "It's just...after what happened last time...And I know that I needed this, need you to be like this, asked for it even."

He took one of Dean's hands, just to have that small point of reassuring contact, pleased to note that Dean instantly responded in linking their fingers together.

"It's just that I'm so frustrated", Cas admitted. "Especially now that I know you want me too. I want you to have it all, Dean. Everything you desire, I want to give it to you. And I hate that I can't."

"Please don't." Dean's eyes seemed to be pleading as much as his voice. "We talked about his, Cas. I don't need anything more than what you can give. And it's not...it's not just because I thought you needed- I- it's just that I..I-"

Dean swallowed hard, opened his mouth, closed it again.

"What is it? Dean?"

Cas tried to catch Dean's gaze, but Dean had averted his eyes, so he squeezed his hand instead, watched as the hunter glanced at their tangled fingers.

"I'm afraid I'm gonna break you after all", he whispered then, sending something cold and heavy to settle in the pit of Cas' stomach.

"What?"

"I-..." Dean sighed heavily, but looked up at him, green eyes meeting wide blue. "I'm being so careful because I feel like I have to show that...these hands", he squeezed Cas' fingers back, "my hands, are capable of something else than pain and destruction. I feel like I have to prove it to you, and to myself, that I can...put you back together", he admitted with a sad little smile.

"Dean, I told you, I'm not-"

"Not broken, I know, Cas." Dean nodded, still smiling. "But you have cracks, fissures. And so do I!", he added as Cas opened his mouth to protest. "Of course we have, it couldn't be any other way, Cas, not after what happened. And I hope that...like this..." He let his thumb gently stroked the back of Cas' hand. "I can close some of them on both of us."

This is not just for me, Cas realized. It's just as much for him.

And maybe he was right. Maybe they both needed this. Needed to rebuild their trust, in each other, and just as much in themselves.

"Oh... Dean, I-"

"Will you let me try?"

"Yes", he whispered, and a long breath left Dean's lungs, his shoulders slumping as they lost some of their tension.

"But Dean..." Cas gave him a soft smile. "I need you to know...I'm not afraid of you, or your touch. Not now that it's you, never when it's you."

He reached for Dean's other hand, brought them both up to his mouth so he could brush his lips over Dean's knuckles.

"Yes, I remember those hands, and the pain they inflicted", he admitted, rushing to go on when he saw that pain mirrored in Dean's eyes, "but not for a moment have I thought the same could happen again now. You would never hurt me."

"I wouldn't", Dean agreed immediately, as if it still needed confirmation.

"I know", Cas assured him sincerely. "I appreciate you being careful, and there's nothing wrong with you being gentle. I just wanted to be sure you don't think there will never be any other way", he explained. "Someday, I hope we'll both be ready to let go and just...be."

Dean smiled at that. And it wasn't a sad smile this time.

"I hope that too, Cas."

~oOo~

Whatever Cas had been missing before returned after that.

Dean was still gentle, still careful, but that passion was there again. He'd ask Cas about every new step he took, but didn't just retreat by himself if Cas didn't want him to. And, as it turned out, Cas barely ever wanted him to by now.

He'd gotten used to the new stage of arousal that had made him panic so much that first time, and even though they hadn't ever attempted to actually do something about it, Cas found himself more and more curious about the possibility. He'd soon established for himself that this would give him a completely different kind of pleasure from the one he'd been exposed to that day, a good kind of pleasure if his mind would just allow his body to experience it. And even if they always stopped before things could grow too heated and simply waited it out, they couldn't avoid their erections brushing a thigh or each other's from time to time, and the sensations rushing through Cas in those small moments after he'd gotten over the initial shock had just been small glances of the potential it promised.

Yes, Cas was still nervous about taking that step, scared even, positively terrified.

But he was also curious, wanting, longing.

He wanted to go there. He just needed to find that bit of bravery to ask for it. Maybe it would go wrong again. Cas was well aware of that possibility. But that fear would always stay, no matter how long he waited.

And if it worked, he was sure it could be something good. Something incredible.

~oOo~

Dean liked pleasure.

He'd always liked it, and who could blame him.

He'd always liked sex, liked the sensation as much as the connection. Not that he'd had a partner providing that sense of connection very often, but he'd had to take what he could get. But even without an emotional involvement, Dean had always been a giver.

He liked it when his partners enjoyed themselves at least as much as he did. To be honest, he could even get off on pleasing the other person, it made him feel powerful and...worthy.

And that want, that need to give his partner as much pleasure as possible only increased now that it was Cas,Cas who did give him that sense of connection he'd always missed, Cas who woke feelings in Dean that could only intensify the physical sensation, Cas who didn't know what sex was really about, how it could be, what it could mean...

"Dean. Dean, please", Cas gasped into his ear, pulling him from the pleasant haze he'd been caught in, the by now familiar dance of touching and being touched.

"What do you want, angel?"

He pressed a kiss behind Cas' ear, delighting in the way it always made the angel shudder.

"I- I need-"

Cas trailed off as Dean followed the line of his jaw with his lips, concentrating on the slight stubble there scraping against his cheek, holding himself up just enough to have their chests slide together but avoid brushing the erection he knew Cas was sporting in his boxers.

"Hm?"

He pressed a kiss to Cas' lips, loved how Cas instantly opened up to him, groaning into his mouth and clenching his hands where they were holding onto Dean's shoulders.

"Touch me", the angel breathed between kisses, something in his voice finally causing Dean to stop his ministrations momentarily, leaning back to look down at Cas in surprise. The angel was a fucking vision, face flushed, the colour spreading down his neck and onto his chest, pink lips plush from kissing, his pupils shining and dilated just enough to leave a small ring of heavenly blue.

"Do you...do you mean..."

Dean lifted his eyebrows, needing no more explanation for Cas to know what he was asking. Even through the colour already painting Cas' cheeks, he could see the angel blushing deeper as he bit his lip and nodded.

Dean swallowed hard. He'd waited a long time for Cas to ask this, every time he got a quick moment of Cas' hard cock brushing him, he'd needed to grip onto Cas' body more firmly, clench the sheets or bury his hands in his dark locks to keep himself from reaching out. But now that Cas was looking up at him so expectantly, he found himself hesitating.

"Are you sure?"

"Please."

His eyes were hopeful, pleading, but Dean didn't like the waver in his voice.

"We can just stop", he suggested softly, stroking a thumb over Cas' cheekbone so the angel would know that he just tried to be considerate, that he wasn't rejecting him. "We can take a break. Wait until-"

But Cas shook his head.

"I thought about this. I want to try." There were nerves shining in Cas' eyes, but his voice was sure this time. "Please, Dean."

It was a question, a request. Please, do this for me, it said. Please trust me. Please want me.

Dean could do nothing but give Cas what he asked.

"Okay."

He leaned down to place a chaste kiss on Cas' lips.

"We'll take it slow, sweetheart", he said, the pet name slipping out without permission, but it felt so incredibly right on his tongue, made Cas' eyes only soften, so he simply let it. "Yeah? I can make it good for you."

Cas reached for him when he dived back down, slid his arms around Dean's torso and smoothed his palms down his back while Dean kissed him, deeper this time, gently opening his mouth with his tongue to taste and explore. Cas moaned into his mouth when Dean circled one of his nipples with his thumb, writhing beneath him and even bucking his hips a little in search of friction.

But he needed one last reassurance.

"Please." Dean pressed a kiss to his brow. "Tell me it's okay." A kiss to his cheek. "Tell me again that you-" A kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Tell me you want this." He nibbled at his bottom lip, making Cas whine slightly when he drew back to look at him. "Tell me..." Dean swallowed. Tell me you love me. "Tell me you want me too."

Cas nodded frantically, no hesitation.

"Yes. I want- I want you", he breathed, pled, promised. "Please, Dean."

His breathing had quickened and there was a desperate edge to his voice, nervous anticipation speaking from every line on his face. Dean had been aware that this step would inevitably involve a lot of nervousness, maybe even fear on Cas' part, and even though he himself couldn't deny that he was positively vibrating with the worry and excitement mixing in his belly, he tried to swallow both and radiate as much calmness as possible.

"Shhhh", he soothed, running a hand through Cas' tousled hair. "I'm gonna take care of you, yeah? But tell me to stop and I will."

"Just...leave my underwear on?" Cas pressed his lips together. "I don't-"

"Sure, Cas." Dean smiled at him. "I'll only ever touch you where you ask me to."

Cas nodded again, the trust speaking from his eyes knocking the air out of Dean's lungs for a second.

"Kiss me again?", Cas asked, returning his smile, a small and shy thing, but it warmed Dean from deep within and made him forget everything but the angel in his arms, his angel who trusted him, his angel who'd given himself over to Dean's care. He tried to convey the love and peace he felt in every press of lips, every touch of his hand, let himself be swallowed by everything that was Cas, lips and mouth mapping out his body until the angel was a writhing mess beneath him, gasping and moaning his name with increasing desperation.

Only then did Dean slightly roll to his side, popped up on one arm so he could still hover over Cas and kiss him but with a better view to watch his body's reactions to Dean's touch.

Cas gasped at the first featherlight brush of Dean's fingertips over his clothed erection, the muscles in his thighs tensing up. Dean withdrew his hand immediately, causing a whimper to leave Cas throat.

"Dean..."

"Try to relax for me, angel."

Dean stroked the outside of Cas' leg, soothing him.

"Breathe", he instructed, looking down at Cas who bit his bottom lip, but did as he asked, holding Dean's gaze as he focused on taking slow, deep breaths, the muscles beneath Dean's palm relaxing more and more.

"That's good", Dean praised, smiling. "You're doing so well, Cas."

He let his hand carefully creep up towards Cas' crotch again, watching his reaction, how his breathing picked up and his hands tightened in the sheets, but he didn't tense again, so Dean dared to lightly press his palm against the bulge in his black boxers, eliciting a groan from the angel. Encouraged by his reaction, he slowly began to stroke up and down, long smooth movements, gradually increasing the pressure, finding out what would draw the sweetest sounds out of Cas.

"Dean...?"

Pleasure was hooding Cas' eyes, but he could still make out the small spark of panic behind, pausing his movements.

"Does anything hurt?", he asked, worried, but Cas shook his head.

"Flashbacks?"

"N-Not yet. But I- I'm not used to..."

Dean released a breath. Of course, Cas' mind still associated physical pleasure with negative emotions and memories. It would sure take time until that connection broke. But if they had one thing, it was time.

"Okay." Dean carefully began to stroke again, nice and slow. "It's fine. You're good. Look at me", he asked softly, and Cas' eyes immediately snapped to his, their gazes locking. Dean smiled.

"You're here with me", he whispered, pleased to see the fear in those blue depths ebb away. "It's alright."

Cas kept looking at him, barely blinking, and Dean held his gaze while his hand worked, watched the angel's breath hitch and quicken until his eyes finally fluttered shut, his head rolling back into the pillow with a low groan.

"I-" Cas breathed heavily, but didn't open his eyes. "T-There's this..."

He broke off, but Dean nodded in understanding.

"I know", he said soothingly. "Feel the pressure. Feel it building inside you. That's a good thing, Cas", he promised. "Don't fight it."

He could see how Cas relaxed further into the mattress, biting his lip to stifle another moan.

"Don't hold back, angel, let me hear you."

The next moan, louder this time.

"That's good", Dean praised. "You're doing so well."

A small smile appeared on Cas lips at that, quickly transforming into a whimper of Dean's name when he let his thumb swipe over Cas' tip through his boxers, spreading the damp patch that had formed there.

"How're you feeling?"

"It's-" Cas forced his eyes open to find Dean's, "it's so good, Dean, I-"

"Yeah." Dean leaned down to kiss him. "That's what this is supposed to feel like, Cas."

"I didn't-" Cas panted. "-know."

The words sent a hot surge of pain and guilt through Dean's body, but he drowned it out. It didn't matter. There was nothing to do about it now. All that mattered was the present. He couldn't change where they came from, but he could choose where they went from there.

"I'm gonna show you so much, Cas."

The angel's hips lifted up into his hand, searching for more.

"Dean. Oh, Dean, can you-" Cas reached down, clumsily shoved at the fabric of his boxers. "Under- Underneath", he gasped, giving up on his underwear and pulling on Dean's hand instead. "I want-"

"Really?"

"Please", Cas lifted a hand to tangle in the hair at the nape of Dean's neck, pulling him down into a deep kiss. "Please", he breathed against his lips, "need to feel you..."

Dean just nodded, surging in to kiss the angel again while his hand reached under the hem of Cas' boxers, closing his eyes as Cas broke the kiss with a groan when his fingertips trailed down the smooth skin of his length.

"Okay?", he asked, even though he was sure to read the answer in Cas' expression.

"Yes, yes..."

Cas' hand came up to grip Dean's arm, but not to stop him, simply to have something to hold onto as they kissed again.

Dean let his fingers close around Cas' erection and swept his thumb over the tip to spread the precome gathered there, smoothing his strokes.

"Focus on the sensation." He kissed a trail down the angel's neck and to his shoulder. "Let it spread. Concentrate on how good it feels."

He wanted to kiss his lips again, but Cas' hands fisting in the sheets and his hips increasingly bucking up into Dean's hand told him that he must be close, and he couldn't possibly miss a single second watching his angel fall apart under his hands.

"Dean, I think I'm- I-"

"Yeah", Dean carded his finger through Cas' hair. "That's right. You're perfect, angel", it tumbled from his lips, and it held so much truth he couldn't have cared to take it back if he tried. "Just let go when you're ready."

Cas looked up at him, blue eyes boring into green, an unspoken question in them that made Dean's heart flutter.

"Don't be scared, I'm right here with you", he breathed, promised with a smile. "I'm gonna catch you."

"Dean..."

Cas' back suddenly arched off the bed, his mouth open in a gasp of Dean's name, his face a picture of pure pleasure. Dean could have followed him over the edge from the sight alone if he hadn't been so caught up in pleasing his angel that he'd nearly forgotten about his own needs.

"That's it", he praised, kept stroking his hair while Cas trembled through the aftershocks. "You did so well, Cas."

The angel just hummed, closed his eyes for a moment until his breathing evened out and his body stilled, completely relaxed.

"That...that was..."

Dean chuckled.

"Mhm."

He pressed a kiss to Cas' temple.

"I take it that was okay, then."

"Okay?" Cas released a disbelieving breath. "That was...far more enjoyable than I anticipated."

Dean couldn't help the grin spreading on his face.

"I'm glad."

"Thank you, Dean."

Calm features, a complete mess of hair, and that smile. Damn, he could get used to that smile.

"You're welcome."

He could barely believe it. They'd really done it. They'd taken that step and nothing had fallen to pieces. Cas was looking at him with a blissed-out smile on his face, and Dean had done that. Dean!

"I could..."

His eyes refocused on Cas glancing at Dean's boxers, the thin fabric doing nothing to hide the bulge there. Only now that his attention had been drawn to it did Dean realize how painfully hard he actually was, but he still shook his head at Cas' offer.

"Oh nonono." He gave the angel a smile. "Not today. Maybe next time."

Cas managed to look both relieved and disappointed. He licked his lips.

"But I want to make you feel good, too."

"You already did." Dean stroked Cas' face in a caress that made his heart ache. "Trust me, Cas."

Cas still seemed reluctant to let it go, but finally he nodded.

"Next time?", he asked then, and Dean couldn't help but smile.

"We'll see."

Before Cas could protest, he took the angel's chin between his thumb and index finger, pulling him up into a deep kiss, soothing him with his tongue, silently telling him that Dean didn't need anything right now, because Cas had already given him everything and more.

When the kiss broke Cas was smiling at him again, and he followed the temptation to nuzzle his nose against Cas', making the angel's smile spread into a sappy grin before Dean released him and sat up.

"Now you stay here and enjoy the afterglow." Dean got up from the bed, the air too cold without Cas' body heat nearby. "I'm gonna be right back."

"You're leaving?"

The alarm in Cas' tone was just a bit too prominent to ignore, making Dean's heart clench.

"Only getting a wet cloth, Cas", he soothed, leaning down to quickly press his lips to the angel's forehead in reassurance. "Gotta clean you up. And maybe...take quick care of this", he added as an afterthought, squirming to readjust the uncomfortable situation in his boxers.

"Oh." Cas lowered his eyes, unable to hide his disappointment. "Okay."

Shit. Should have known he shouldn't have said that. Of course Cas would take it as rejection.

"You know what?" Dean hastily shook his head. "No, It's fine. No need. I'm gonna be right back, it'll go away by itself."

He'd already turned to make his way to the bathroom when Cas' voice made him hesitate once more.

"A-Actually..." The angel bit his bottom lip. "Actually, I wondered..."

"What?"

Cas shrugged shyly, but his eyes were fixed on Dean, his voice quiet but determined.

"What if you...did it here", he said. "What if you took care of it...here."

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

So there we have it. It happened. We earned our rating!
Only my second time writing smut btw, or well, third if you count the short additional one in HIITH...so bear with me. Just because I decided to write a fic that would obviously require a lot of smutty chapters at some point doesn't mean I actually know what I'm doing xD