Chapter Seventeen
I was at my parents' work today. Waiting a lot. Used it for writing. So here you go;) Thought you wouldn't mind the early update, ehe.
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"Here?"
Dean stared at him.
Cas just nodded.
"Wait, you mean..." Dean swallowed hard. "You wanna...watch?"
Cas shrugged shyly.
"If you wouldn't mind. I don't want you to hold back on your own pleasure for my sake, Dean", he told him. "And even more so I'd like to be involved in yours...if I can. You're right, I'm not ready to do this properly yet. But maybe I could just...be there?"
He kept his voice careful, wanted to leave Dean every possibility to decline, but didn't try to hide the hopeful undertone either.
"I'm sure it can only be favourable to me if I get to see as many positive reactions to sexual touch as I can", Cas reasoned. "But if you're not comfortable-"
"No", Dean interrupted, still wide-eyed, obviously taken aback, but apparently not opposed to Cas' suggestion.
"It's...it's fine." Dean blinked a few times to refocus. "Yeah, sure. Lemme just..." He mentioned to the bathroom door. "I'm gonna grab that cloth for you and then I can...yeah."
Cas smiled to himself when Dean turned his back to him and slipped through the door. Flustered Dean was undeniably adorable.
He was still smiling when Dean returned, soft smile turning even softer when he met those green eyes. As promised, Dean was carrying a damp cloth, crawling onto the bed and kneeling next to Cas to wipe him down with tender swipes until Cas was clean. Only once the cloth had been discarded onto the floor next to the bed did the nervousness in Dean's eyes return, his legs shifting beneath his body in his uncertainty about how to proceed.
"Should I just...?"
Dean made move to lie down next to Cas on his back, slightly popped up against the headboard.
"Yes." Cas nodded, smiling reassuringly. "Lie down however you're most comfortable."
"'Kay."
Dean did as he was told, but he kept fidgeting nervously, a sight that made Cas' heart both a little heavy and decidedly fluttery.
"You just helped me achieve orgasm, Dean", Cas pointed out, unable to hide the hint of fond amusement in his voice. "There's no need to be nervous now."
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Dean blushed, actually blushed. "It's dumb. I'm just not...y'know. Used to someone watching me."
"Hey, it's not dumb." Cas lifted one of Dean's hands to his mouth, pressing a light kiss to it. "You can still go if that's-"
"No." Dean shook his head. "No, Cas. I'm good. Just gotta get out of my head", he declared, shortly squeezing Cas' hand before he let go to flex his fingers.
"Okay,...uh. Can I just...?"
He mentioned down to his lap, where, as Cas was pleased to note, his boxers were still considerably tented, despite the time he'd spent caring for Cas and the nerves bubbling beneath the surface of arousal and anticipation in his eyes.
"Yes."
Cas wasn't quite sure why he whispered, the gravitas of the situation just seemed to call for it.
"Touch yourself for me, Dean", he said, delighting in the little moan that fell from the hunter's lips before he'd even moved a hand.
When he did move, Cas' eyes automatically followed his hand as it trailed down between his spread legs, a heavy sigh escaping Dean's lips as he palmed himself through his boxers after neglecting his straining cock for so long.
"Can I...do you mind if I...?"
Dean tugged at the waistband of his underwear, throwing a questioning look at Cas through already hooded eyes.
Cas swallowed.
"Of course, not." God, he sounded as breathless as Dean. "Go ahead. Anything you want."
Dean didn't exactly make a show of taking his boxers off, just a few quick, efficient movements and they were gone, and Cas could just stare, admire the last part of Dean's body they hadn't revealed so far. It was not his first time seeing Dean in all of his naked glory, despite the years that had passed since he'd put Dean's body back together in Hell he remembered every detail like yesterday, could tell the exact amount of freckles...but the purpose behind it gave this moment a completely new meaning, and Cas a whole new insight and admiration.
Dean was beautiful.
He was always beautiful, at least to Cas, but this...the intimacy of the action, the trust Dean showed him in displaying all of himself so openly made it special.
Dean squirmed slightly under Cas scrutiny, his hand had paused after discarding his last piece of clothing, uncertainly lying on his stomach. Cas let his eyes skip up to Dean's, not surprised to find the hunter already watching him, and a smile curved his lips. He leaned down to kiss Dean softly, a reassurance, an encouragement, an answer to his questioning gaze.
Don't be scared, the press of his lips said. You're perfect. Everything about you.
Dean exhaled into his mouth, his shoulders releasing some of their tension, and when Cas broke their lips' connection, Dean smiled back at him.
"Go ahead", Cas said, gaining confidence from the fact that Dean seemed to need as much reassurance as he had, everything else melting away inside his head besides the need to make Dean feel comfortable, feel wanted, feel loved.
He lay on his side and watched as Dean's hand returned to stroke slowly down his length, just his fingertips gliding over the smooth skin at first, a featherlight touch, teasing. Cas remembered how it had felt to have that hand wrapped around his own cock, the jolt of pleasure it had sent down his spine when Dean finally slipped inside his boxers, the intensified sensation of skin on skin. He wondered if it always felt that good, or if it was just Dean, if it would feel different for Dean -maybe better even- once Cas was ready to do this for him.
Had Dean thought about it as many times as he had? Had he imagined touching Cas, Cas touching him?
"Would you have...would you have thought of me?", the thought took form and slipped out of his mouth. "If you'd gone to the bathroom?"
Dean blushed, but his hand didn't falter in its rhythm. He nodded.
"'S that okay?"
"Of course." Cas slightly shook his head about Dean even having to ask such a question. "I'd want you to", he assured him truthfully, eyes skipping between Dean's flushed face and his hand.
"Yeah?"
"Mhm."
Cas hummed in confirmation, fascinated by the way Dean's breathing was picking up, the colour on his cheeks slowly spreading down over his neck and collarbone to cover his chest.
"Jeez, Cas." Dean panted slightly, closing his eyes for a second with a moan before focusing on Cas again. "All that time I felt guilty jerking off to images of you..."
So Dean had thought about him. Even before...
Cas' heart skipped a beat.
"I felt the same."
He noticed how Dean's rhythm faltered for a second before picking up again.
"You...you've had fantasies 'bout me too, angel?"
"Yes." It was easy to admit, especially now that he knew Dean did the same.
"Shit."
The moan leaving Dean's throat was positively sinful, and Cas wanted to bury himself in those sweet sounds, wanted to learn all there was to know about how to draw these sounds out of his hunter.
"But you don't need your fantasies anymore, do you?", he breathed, hearing the effect Dean was having on him in his own hoarse voice. "I'm right here."
This time Dean whimpered, throwing his head back and slightly nuzzling into Cas' side in a subconscious search for contact. Cas had to swallow hard when his eyes wandered over the beautiful lean lines of his body, the stretch of his neck, his slightly arched back, right to the way his hard cock curved upwards towards his stomach. A thin sheen of sweat had started to cover his skin, and Cas found himself desperate to taste it, to lean down and lick a stripe up that neckline, taste his skin before tasting his mouth, swallow those soft moans.
"Dean, I think I want..."
He bit his lip to hold back a groan of his own as Dean flicked his thumb over his tip on the upstroke, smoothing the way down with his own precome, his hips bucking up into his hand.
"Anything, angel." Dean was breathing heavily, his eyes having trouble focusing. "You can do anything you want."
It was all the invitation Cas needed.
He leaned down, let his tongue travel from Dean's collarbone up to his ear, reveling in the satisfying gasp escaping Dean's lips. The taste was salty and heady, an underlying note that was uniquely and undeniably Dean that let Cas' head spin and his mouth dive in for more.
"Are you feeling good, Dean?", he pressed the words into the skin where Dean's neck met his shoulder, sucking lightly, not enough to bruise, but enough to make Dean's breath hitch.
"So good", he heard the answering gasp, causing him to smile against Dean's neck. "So good, angel."
Cas worked his way to Dean's mouth, nibbling on his earlobe, leaving a trail of kisses along his jawline, the stubble a pleasant scratch against his lips. When he placed a chaste kiss on the corner of Dean's mouth, he found him already waiting, turning his head and chasing Cas' lips, silently begging for him to meet them with his own.
Cas could do nothing but oblige, swallowing the sigh leaving Dean's lungs when their mouths collided, licking into his mouth while one of his hands found its way onto Dean's chest, smoothing over the planes of hot skin. He could feel Dean's muscles rippling beneath his wandering fingers, had to break the kiss with the need to lean back and see, watch what it looked like to have the hunter react to his every touch so beautifully, letting himself fall apart, trusting Cas to put him back together.
"Beautiful...", Cas breathed out, almost absent-mindedly, completely lost in the sight before him. "I've always wondered what you would look like, just like this. You're even more breathtaking than anything I could have imagined."
"Cas..."
His name between a groan and a whimper. Cas would never tire of it.
"Yes. Perfect", he praised, recalling how good it had been to hear the same from Dean's lips earlier. "You're doing so well for me, Dean."
It had been those little moments that had kept the flashbacks at bay, Cas had found, those small words of praise and encouragement, reminding him who it was he was handing himself over to, anchoring him in the present, allowing him to succumb to the pleasure he was being provided with.
"Cas, I- I think I-"
Dean's movements were beginning to lose control, his hand flying, hips bucking up. But his eyes were fixed on Cas, asking, begging for something, anything that would push him that last step to finally tumble over the edge.
"What do you need?" Cas returned Dean's gaze, just as intensely. "Tell me what I can do for you."
"K-Kiss me again", Dean panted out, eyes glowing and desperate, yet pleading. "Please."
Cas smiled, smoothing a hand through Dean's damp, disheveled hair before leaning down and pressing their mouths together once more, kissing him slow and deep. Eyes closed, lips still connected, he could feel how Dean's hand that wasn't furiously working his cock came up to blindly grasp for Cas' on his chest, linking their fingers in a death grip just a second before Dean broke the kiss on a gasp, his entire body arching off the bed before slumping down, slack and slightly trembling.
He kept leaving kisses on any patch of skin he could reach while Dean caught his breath, peppering his chest, his neck, his jaw, cheeks and forehead.
Finally leaning back, he caught green eyes looking at him in what could only be described as awe.
"Cas", Dean whispered, the tiniest of sleepy, sated smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth.
A last soft kiss, breathed onto those smiling lips.
"Hello, Dean."
Dean's smile only widened at the words.
His favourite words.
Words that meant home.
~oOo~
"Would you tell me?", Dean asked later that night, when they were both clean and tugged away underneath the blanket, Cas' head resting on Dean's shoulder.
"Tell you what?"
"About your fantasies."
He could feel how Dean pressed a kiss into his hair.
"The things you imagined. Didn't think you'd...y'know."
Cas couldn't help the breathy laugh escaping his lungs.
"I'm an angel, Dean. Not a saint."
Dean chuckled too, the rumbling sound darker and richer with Cas' ear pressed to Dean's skin.
"I mean I never..." Cas shrugged his shoulders. "I never actually did anything, you know? I didn't dare pleasure myself thinking of you, but I couldn't stop myself from indulging in the thoughts on their own."
"Do you mind that I did? More than just...thinking."
"No, Dean." Cas smiled against his chest. "Not at all."
"So what'd you think of? If it's not too much, talking about that stuff..."
"It's fine."
He felt Dean release a breath, a hand coming up to card through Cas' locks.
"I thought about...well. It wasn't really detailed", Cas admitted. "I simply imagined how it would be, being allowed to touch you. How it would feel if you were to touch me. How it would be to kiss you..." Cas' mouth curled into a smile. "I thought a lot about kissing you."
"You do like that a lot, don't you?", Dean asked, and Cas could hear how he failed to suppress the hint of smugness in his voice.
"I do", Cas admitted easily. "I like it quite a lot."
"What about today?" Dean hesitated for a second. "Did you...you did like that too, right?"
"Of course I did."
Cas leaned up to be able to look at Dean's face, stroking his knuckles over his cheekbone, smoothing out the lines of worry on his face. "It was wonderful. Far better than I could have imagined."
"So you...you never imagined...actually, y'know?"
"How it would be to achieve orgasm with you?"
Dean shrugged.
"I mean...yeah."
"I guess I did", Cas said thoughtfully. "I just didn't have a specific idea about...how. And it was always more about your pleasure than mine."
Dean's eyebrows rose at that.
"Oh?"
"Yes. Despite my physical attraction to you, what appealed the most to me was..."
Cas hesitated. How could he explain to Dean that all his fantasies had been more about love than lust? That every single one of his fantasies had ended in Dean telling him that he loved him, Dean allowing Cas to love him back, accepting it, welcoming it, because nothing could make Cas happier than Dean letting himself be loved?
"...it was about you, returning my affection", he settled on saying. "You telling me you wanted me back, but above all, you, allowing me to cherish you the way you deserve."
"Cas..."
Dean looked as if he had no idea what to reply to that, just stared at him, a mixture of sadness, guilt and wonder in his eyes that Cas knew all too well.
"I wish I was different", Dean suddenly whispered. "I wish I could...could've told you sooner-"
But Cas broke him off, shaking his head.
"I don't want you different." He smiled down at Dean, hoping to convey the whole truth of that statement in his eyes. "I like you the way you are."
"But...Cas." Dean swallowed hard. "I know I'm not-"
"Dean." Cas' voice was soft but firm, gentle yet insistent. "I know exactly who you are."
Dean opened his mouth again, but no words left his lips, so he closed it, finally pressed his lips together.
Cas sighed.
"Do you remember what I told you the first time we met?"
"That...good things do happen?"
"Yes. And that you don't think you deserve to be saved." Cas gave him a sad smile. "Now here you are, thinking you don't deserve to be loved", he dared to say, dared to use that word, the word that had tried to leave his mouth so many times, never allowed to do so.
"And that's the thing with humankind, isn't it?", Cas went on, as if he hadn't just tasted the forbidden fruit, as if he hadn't noticed Dean holding his breath and his eyes widening. "We all only accept the love we think we deserve. But you're wrong. You've been wrong back then and you're wrong now. It doesn't matter what you've been told or what you've come to think of yourself. I know you, Dean. I'm familiar with every atom in your body, every spark of your soul. I've admired its beauty even in the darkest corner of Hell. You deserve to love, and to be loved in return. In...whatever way you choose to", he added, hating himself for rowing back, but unable to help it. "In whatever way it may manifest. And I've never wanted anything more than to be the one that you'll allow to...cherish you, in any way you'd let me."
Dean gaped at him, thunderstruck, Cas could basically watch the wheels in his head turning, attempting to process Cas' words. He just wasn't sure if he wanted Dean to get the real meaning behind them or not.
When Dean finally opened his mouth, Cas was ready to stop him, didn't want to hear Dean playing himself down again, degrading himself, right along with what Cas had been trying to tell him. He couldn't have that, not now.
"I-"
"Please..." Cas held up his hands to make him pause. "Don't say anything, okay? Just...let it stand in the room for a while."
Dean just pressed his lips together in response and nodded, welcoming Cas back when he returned to his position, tugged into Dean's side, one of the hunter's arm circled around him. Perhaps even a bit tighter than before.
Cas closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. The exhaustion of their earlier activities finally catching up with him.
"Oh." His eyes snapped open again, "and...thank you. For today." He cuddled closer into Dean. "You were perfect, Dean", Cas said, smiling. "I didn't even have any flashbacks."
"Of course, Cas." Dean's voice was quiet, but he thought to hear a smile in it as well. "Anytime you need me."
How about always?, Cas thought, just before he let himself drift off into unconsciousness.