Chapter Eighteen
Fiiiiiiiiiiiinally another one done! I don't have as much time for writing at the moment as I'd like to. Meh.
But well. At least this one's almost 4k and has art again! Hope you're gonna like the increasing steaminess, hehe.
Eagerly awaiting your thoughts as always!
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
They had taken it slow the next few days.
Dean would take Cas shopping to the farmer's market after he'd found that tasting flavoured honey and exchanging information about bee-keeping with the vendors would always have Cas so at ease that he didn't notice anyone walking by and touching him at all. By now he didn't mind passing strangers brushing him anymore, no matter where they were, but Dean still insisted on shopping at the market at least once a week, telling Cas it was because they could purchase fresher ingredients for his burgers there, but in reality, it was mostly because he enjoyed watching Cas enjoy himself.
The evenings were quiet and comfortable, both snuggling up with a book or watching a movie together before saying good night and falling asleep side by side. They both knew it hadn't been necessary for Dean to sleep in the same bed for a long time, but neither would ever have thought of bringing it up and risking to change their current sleeping arrangement.
Dean dreaded having to sleep alone again once this was all over - even with Cas admitting to wanting him as much as he wanted Cas, that was far from enough to make assumptions about things like sleeping together...you know, the platonic kind. Dean could be happy if they continued their physical relationship, he'd be damned to hope for anything beyond.
But he'd already gotten so used to it. They had been living together like this for months, for God's sake, he couldn't even remember how he'd ever been able to fall asleep without Cas' warm presence in his back, his weight dipping down the mattress, the sound of his peaceful breathing.
He didn't want to return to waking up to an empty room instead of smiling blue eyes.
Sometimes the domesticity of it all threatened to overwhelm him, he'd find himself forgetting that they weren't just a normal couple, caught himself reaching out to take Cas' hand in public, randomly draping his arm around his shoulders and pull him into his side during a movie, leaning in for a goodnight kiss at the end of the day.
He always came to his senses and withdrew at the last second.
Yet he'd always dreamed of such a relationship, the casual intimacy, being so comfortable and familiar with someone else's touch that you didn't even think twice about it, no matter what time it was, or who was around. He wanted that. He craved that. And it had been for a long time that those fantasies exclusively involved Cas.
Don't get him wrong. Having sex with Cas for the first time had been awesome. Like...amazing, crazy, rocking your world awesome. And Dean could hardly wait to do it again. If Cas wanted to, that was. But he was also fine waiting. It was an interesting sensation, the nervous anticipation on one hand, content patience on the other.
If someone had asked him if he wanted to touch Cas again that way, watch him writhe in pleasure and moan his name, he would have said yes in a heartbeat, no doubt about it.
But if someone had asked him if he was okay with it being a one-time thing, and them just going on in this dynamic they had developed forever, sharing days and nights, just without any physical component, his answer would have been the same.
So he waited, patiently impatient, until Cas would bring it up.
Or not. Whatever it was his angel desired.
~oOo~
He did bring it up. On the fifth day.
"Dean? I'd like to try something today", he said after dinner, both of them getting ready for bed and just sitting down on the mattress. "You said- next time, maybe I could..."
The angel bit his bottom lip, shrugging meaningfully. (And adorably.)
"...and I'm not sure I can handle doing that for you on my own yet", he confessed. Dean was pleased, seeing that Cas listened to his instincts, evaluating what he was ready for or not.
"But I'd still like us to...get there together, so to speak", Cas went on. "Make it a joined experience, you know? So I thought...maybe with you...on top of me?" A slight blush spread on his cheeks. "No...p-penetration, I just mean-"
"Yeah." Dean quickly interrupted the angel's stuttering, smiling calmly despite the fluttery feeling in his belly. "Yeah, okay. Sure."
"Could we start with some kissing again?" Cas smiled back, still nervous but apparently a little more at ease. "I seem to really enjoy that. It makes it a lot easier to...well, get..into..."
Dean nodded in understanding.
"'Course. I enjoy that too, Cas", he added, pleased about the crooked smile it earned him.
"Oh." The angel's blush deepened. "Ah...good. That's..."
Cas trailed off, his eyes flitting down to Dean's mouth, his tongue darting out to wet his own lips. God , it had only been a couple of days, but Dean had missed the feeling of those soft lips moving against his own.
"C'mere", he said, opening his arms in invitation, and a moment later Cas was already on him, his fingers threaded in Dean's hair and his tongue demanding access to Dean's mouth.
It was no surprise that it didn't take them long until they were reduced to a panting, writhing mess, shirts and pants quickly discarded, pressing as much skin together as possible while their hands and mouths explored the by now familiar but no less exhilarating territory of each other's bodies.
Cas' erection was pressing firmly into Dean's hip, little moans falling from his lips that Dean swallowed eagerly whenever the angel would grind against him in tentative, experimental movements.
"You good, Cas?"
Dean kissed up his jaw and behind his ear, feeling the angel nod when another roll of his hips made them both groan.
"You wanna..." Christ, it shouldn't already be so hard to concentrate. "Wanna switch?", he asked, remembering that Cas had asked for Dean to be on top. Not that he wasn't also totally up for what was happing right now...
"Or you can just stay", he added therefore, planting an open-mouthed kiss to the corner of Cas' mouth. "Whatever you want."
"Switch."
Cas nodded, kissing Dean a last time before reluctantly backing away enough to roll them over, Dean hovering over him instead, losing no time to wind his arms around the hunter's back and pull him back in for another kiss, slow and deep.
The new angle allowed Dean to position his hips between Cas' spread legs so their clothed erections would line up, rubbing together when he moved, punching a breathy gasp out of Cas that told him the angel was enjoying it as much as he was. Their lips barely lost connection while they kept grinding together, breathing each other's air, swallowing each other's sounds, figuring out which way to move and where to touch to draw the most noises from the other's throat.
The knot of tension that had started to build in Dean's stomach for what felt like both hours and seconds was drawing tighter, a sparkling wave of pleasure searing down his spine every time Cas' hips bucked up, increasing the delicious friction. It felt like too much and not nearly enough at the same time, Dean was sure he'd be able to get off like this, just pressing their bodies together, moving in sync, stealing clumsy kisses, couldn't even care that they were both still wearing their boxers...
"Dean", Cas whined, breathless. "Off."
Dean's mushy brain needed a second to grasp what the angel was asking, a gasp of surprised exhilaration running through his body when he understood.
"You sure?"
Cas nodded, already shoving at the waistband of Dean's boxers, and Dean instantly went to help him - just because he hadn't spared a thought to the fabric separating them a second ago didn't mean he wasn't absolutely burning up with the desire to feel all of Cas against him now that the option presented itself.
"Yours...yours, too?", he asked, just to be sure, biting his lip to stifle a moan when Cas nodded again, lifting his hips off the bed to make it easier for Dean to pull them down.
The few seconds they had to separate to take them off completely and thoughtlessly throw them onto the floor seemed like an eternity to both of them if the way Cas grabbed his arm and pulled Dean down against him with a desperate whine was anything to go by, and Dean followed just too willingly, angel and hunter gasping into each other's mouths when they felt the hot, smooth skin of their bare lengths pressing together for the very first time.
Dean had to lean back a bit to catch his breath, their movements momentarily coming to a halt. Cas' eyes were closed when he looked down at him, his cheeks flushed that beautiful pink, sweaty hair sticking up at odd angles from Dean's fingers running through it. His chest was rising and falling with heavy breaths, drawing up Dean's gaze over the line of his neck, up to his cheekbones, to the way his eyelashes were casting shadows that seemed to dance across his skin when his eyes fluttered open to meet Dean's.
And damn, he felt like he could drown in those eyes, no need to breathe underwater, not when Cas was everything he needed to live.
"You're so gorgeous", he whispered, couldn't help the thought tumbling from his lips, not when every fibre of his being was positively pulsing with the truth of it.
He could see those blue eyes widening at his words, heard the little hitch in his breath. A small smile curled the corner of the angel's mouth, but there was an edge of doubt to it, a sense of insecurity, and for a second Dean almost thought Cas might withdraw from him, recoil from his words, his touch, his presence.
"Tell me if I'm too much", Dean whispered, alarmed about the sudden change on Cas' face.
"You're not." Cas shook his head, reached up to stroke a soothing thumb over his cheek. Dean couldn't help but lean into the touch even though he still saw that heaviness dulling the spark in Cas' eyes.
But what if I'm not enough, they seemed to say, making Dean's brow wrinkle.
"Then what is it?"
"I-"
Cas looked up at him for a second, the sentence hanging in the air, but then his eyes lowered, his hand began to draw back. Dean caught it in his, pulling it back to his face to press a kiss to Cas' palm.
"Cas?" Blue eyes hesitantly turned to meet his again. "Talk to me", Dean asked softly, his lips now ghosting over the angel's knuckles.
Cas sighed.
"I guess I'm just...still getting used to it", he said, attempting a lighthearted smile, missed by about a mile. "The thought that you're here because you want to be. And not just for the sake of helping me. That you would get as much pleasure out of this as I do..."
Cas shrugged his shoulders, blushing slightly.
"I mean, you're...your body is very attractive, and I couldn't help but fear that you wouldn't be satisfied with mine", he admitted then, looking up at Dean, his expression so open, hopeful and vulnerable it made Dean's heart ache.
"I'd like you in any form, Cas", he said truthfully. "No matter how you look, you'd still...be Cas."
My Cas...
"It's the angel inside that I care about." Dean smiled, pleased to see it mirrored on Cas' face.
"But I won't deny that I'm happy it was this one that became yours, your body, not just a vessel", Dean continued, feeling that Cas needed to hear it. "Not gonna lie, angel", he smirked. "You're hot, y'know that?"
Cas bit his bottom lip, unable to hide the little grin that was spreading on his face.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Totally."
"Oh..." Cas still sounded surprised, but was full-on smiling up at him now, making Dean's insides all gooey and fluttery. "I'm...glad you think so."
"Don't worry." Dean leaned down to press a kiss to Cas' lips, followed his cheekbone so he could whisper in his ear.
"I'm gonna show you."
A full body shudder ran through the angel at those words, the hands that had come up to clutch at Dean's shoulders tightening their hold.
"Please", he breathed out, causing Dean to smile against his neck.
He began to place open-mouthed kisses there, let his tongue dart out to taste the salt of his skin, wandering, exploring, allowing the lightest scrape of his teeth against Cas' collarbone that made the angel whimper. The steady pressure against his cock was far from enough to get him anywhere, but held him in a constant state of heightened arousal, every bit of friction when either of them moved creating little sparks that traveled up his spine and made his head dizzy with pleasure. Lost in the feeling of bliss and warmth and Cas, Dean barely registered that he'd latched onto a patch of skin just above Cas' collarbone, sucking harder than he'd ever dared to so far.
"Dean...", Cas whined, hands fisting in Dean's hair, pulling him out of the hazy mist.
He immediately let go when he became aware what he was doing, looked down at the spit-slick, reddened skin in alarm. He'd always been so careful not to leave any marks, not after all the bruises Cas that had scattered Cas' body for so long, and certainly not without asking, it had been going so well without flashbacks, what if...
Dean felt how his whole body automatically slowed down, the grip of his hands on the angel's arms loosened, his hips stilled, biting his bottom lip as he fought for control-
"Dean." Cas' voice made him snap out of his head, eyes flitting up to lock with the angel's.
"You're holding back again", Cas said, soft but with a hint of reproach. "I can feel that you are."
Dean knew he failed completely trying to hide the guilty look on his face.
Cas sighed.
"You know I don't want that you have to hold back. I imagined..." The angel's head tilted slightly to the side, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards. "...when I allowed myself to dream about this, I imagined it could be a way for you to let go. And now I'm the reason you can't, Dean, I'm sorry-"
Dean hurried to shake his head.
"Hey, no. Don't do that." He trailed a hand through Cas' hair. "We talked about this, remember? Yeah, it's not what I imagined either. But it is what we got now, Cas. And we're doin' good."
He smiled a genuine smile. It was true, they really were doing good. Far better than either could ever have imagined a few months ago.
"You're gonna get past this", Dean told him, because by now, he actually believed it was true. "And I'm gonna be with you, every step of the way. It won't always be like that. One day, it'll be exactly what you wanted it to be, okay? I promise."
Cas nodded, smiling up at Dean as well.
"Okay."
Satisfied, Dean let his gaze trail from Cas' face down his neck, only to find that the red mark he'd left there had indeed started to form a purple bruise beneath the angel's formerly unblemished skin. The sight sent a sudden wave of hot panic through his body, breath hitching in his throat.
"Shit." Dean looked down at him, eyes suddenly wide and guilty. "Sorry."
"For what?"
Cas's brow wrinkled with worry as he watched how Dean reached out, gently trailed a finger over his collarbone.
"Forgot to stop...", he mumbled, Cas squinting at him in confusion.
"It's gonna bruise", Dean explained, quiet, small. "I'm sorry, I didn't think. I'm sure you don't wanna see any marks on you, not after..."
"Oh." The confusion on Cas' face melted away in front of Dean's eyes, but instead of the expected distress, it transformed into a soft smile.
"Dean, it's fine", he promised. "I don't mind."
Dean stared at him.
"You don't?"
Cas shook his head.
"I-I just thought..."
"Thank you." Cas' smile was soothing, understanding, knowing exactly what Dean was going to say. "That was very considerate. But this is different." He lifted a hand, tentatively stroked over the tender patch of skin. "This will remind me of pleasure, not pain", he told Dean. "Pleasure I enjoyed. Pleasure I wanted. It will remind me of you."
~oOo~
Cas knew he'd like those marks. It wouldn't make him feel like he was owned, but like he belonged to someone, to Dean, showing everyone who saw that he had someone to take care of him.
"Would you mind my mark on you?", the angel asked, and he could see in Dean's eyes that they were both thinking back to the handprint Cas had left on him all those years ago. He'd missed seeing it. Maybe now he could find a substitute.
"No", Dean finally said, and Cas smiled brighter.
"Good." He pulled him down into a kiss, thrilled how willingly Dean always followed, pressing their lips together briefly before wandering to Dean's ear. "Because I'd really like to see my mark on you again", he whispered, smiling when he felt Dean shudder in his arms. "Would you like that?"
Dean just nodded, groaning quietly when Cas' fingers threaded through his hair, guiding his head until Cas could reach his pulse point. He listened to the little gasps Dean made while Cas' lips worked, concentrated on the thrill that came with feeling Dean's heartbeat against his tongue now, after he himself had restored it to Dean's body so many years ago.
The skin was red and swollen when he finally leaned back to admire his work, sure it would soon turn purple, a reminder of their connection, a reminder that Dean had chosen Cas to touch him like this, and the wave of possessiveness rolling over the angel made it impossible to resist the urge to capture the hunter's mouth again, their lips slotting together, Cas' hands roaming the expanse of Dean's back, encircling him, pulling him flush against him.
Cas had no idea when they had started to move together like this again, who has established their grinding rhythm, how many sounds of pleasure had escaped into the silence of the room.
When he emerged from the sea of sensation again, Dean's hips were working in small thrusts, the friction of their cocks rubbing together, trapped between their stomachs causing Cas to throw his head back into the pillow with a low moan. The precome leaking from both their tips wasn't quite enough to make it smooth, but Cas couldn't mind the hint of a burn, not when his whole body already felt as if it was on fire anyway.
"You okay?", Dean panted, drawing his nose along the stretched line of Cas' throat.
"Dean." The angel's grip on Dean's shoulders tightened. "Oh, Dean, don't stop..."
A shaky pant answered him, a thrust that was slightly harder than the ones before.
"Yes." Cas instinctively hooked a leg around Dean's waist, the heel of his foot digging into his lower back to encourage his movements. "More."
"Cas..." Dean released a shaky breath. "My angel..."
Cas wasn't quite sure if he'd heard correctly, perhaps it had just slipped Dean's lips, dizzy with pleasure, but the way it made Cas' heart flutter was no less intense.
"Yes, yes", he muttered out what his heart was singing, pulling Dean up and into a desperate kiss, tongue diving into his mouth as if he tried to taste the remains of the sweet words that had just left it.
His hand was digging into Dean's hip, Dean's cupping the side of his face in a display of tenderness that stood in vast contrast to the growing neediness in both their movements.
And all the while their hips never stopped grinding together, making Cas' body tingle all over, the knot in his stomach tightening, pushing him closer and closer to snapping, almost there but not quite enough.
"Please, Dean", Cas heard himself beg, not quite sure what he was even asking for, until Dean broke their kiss, momentarily faltering in his rhythm as he leaned over to the nightstand to pull a bottle out of the drawer. Cas' mushy brain couldn't even bother wondering when Dean had put it there, all he cared about was the heavenly sensation of Dean's now slick fingers reaching between them.
And oh yes, this was what he'd begged for, this-
"You good?"
Dean was obviously having trouble focusing (Cas definitely couldn't blame him), and yet he was still checking in with him, always so thoughtful, always considerate, always kind and caring and perfect.
Cas nodded frantically in return, responding eagerly when Dean pressed their mouths together for the umpteenth time that night.
"I want..." Cas panted, tried to catch his breath between kisses. "Let me.."
Cas' hand almost moved of its own accord, wandering down his stomach to join Dean's, their fingers entwining, wide enough to wrap around both their lengths, pressing them together, increasing the smooth friction as they began to stroke in tandem. Somewhere deep in a sensibly thinking corner of his mind Cas knew that it was the first time he'd ever actually touched Dean there, but the thoughts of newness and insecurity were quickly washed away by Dean's response to his touch.
"God, Cas", he groaned, leaned his forehead against Cas', his warm, heavy breaths washing over the angel's face. "Fuck."
His hand was speeding up, and Cas matched his rhythm willingly, eager to watch his hunter fall apart, having only witnessed it once so far, already aware that he would never get enough.
"So good, angel. So beautiful..."
Cas could only nod mindlessly, arching up, lips searching, quickly connecting in sloppy attempts of kisses before the need for air forced them apart again.
"Dean..."
"Shit. Shit, Cas, I'm-"
"Yes", Cas answered, let himself be swallowed by pleasure, by Dean, and it was only now that he realized that he hadn't had to fight flashbacks once today, everything in his head drowned out by the overwhelming sense of good and perfect and right. The warm joy filling his heart seemed to spill over and mix with the white-hot sparks all over his body, fueling them, making them glow bright like his grace.
"You there with me?", Dean asked just then, and Cas nodded, kissed Dean again because he simply had to, deep and needy, hungrily swallowing the whine that left Dean's throat as his hips began to stutter.
"Yes, yes...", Cas encouraged, forcing his eyes to stay open so he wouldn't miss a second of Dean succumbing to his bliss. "Don't hold back, Dean."
It was the sight and feel of Dean losing himself, letting go and releasing between them with a choked sound that finally pushed Cas over the edge as well, nails leaving marks on Dean's shoulders as he muffled his cry against the hunter's neck.
Only their heavy breathing filled the room for a few moments, Dean's weight heavy but comfortably resting on Cas, the angel's arms still slung around his shoulders, holding him close. He let a hand stroke down Dean's back as the hunter began to stir, pulling back to look down at Cas before placing a chaste, gentle kiss on his softly smiling lips.
"I really gotta remember to get that cloth before we start next time", Dean mumbled, regretfully squirming out of Cas' embrace to quickly vanish into the bathroom.
~oOo~
A few minutes later, both cleaned up and lying next to each other on their sides, Dean still hadn't fully been able to catch his breath. His body was aching, but in a pleasant way, thrumming slightly as if his nerve endings were still trying to process all the delicious stimulation. He turned his head, popped up on one elbow to look over at Cas, wondering if it felt the same way for the angel.
Cas met his gaze, his eyes turning impossibly soft, but with just the slightest hint of insecurity shining in them as he watched Dean.
"Was that-", Cas began, the question written clearly on his face, and Dean couldn't help but shake his head in disbelief.
"Cas, I swear if you ask if that was okay, I'm gonna smack you with a pillow", he broke him off, not even trying to control the amused smile spreading on his face. To his delight, he saw Cas' lips quirk up as well, shy and hopeful, and maybe a little bit proud.
Dean hoped he was. He should be.
"That was...awesome", he added truthfully, just so he could watch that smile glow a bit brighter. "Awesome, Cas."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Dean kept smiling, wouldn't have been able to stop if he tried. "Really."
~oOo~
And for the first time, just before they fell asleep, Dean finally leaned over and kissed him goodnight.
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
Ik Ik Ik they gotta cut back on the sexy stuff and finally TALK ajsgdafsdfahgdfhad even I'm impatient and I'm writing the damn slow burn. But don't worry. We'll get there. We're not leaving here until they spill that L-word, I SWEAR it.