Chapter Nineteen
I'm back once again! I'm sorry, I bowed to my laziness once more that told me posting here takes so damn long so I put it off and…now we're three chapters ahead on Ao3. But I'll post all of them in one go now, so at least you won't have to cry about the cliffhangers xD
Hope you enjoy! I would love to hear what you think.
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
This was starting to seriously mess with Dean's brain.
Wasn't like he'd been on the verge of blurting out the deepest secrets of his soul anyway as soon as he laid eyes on Cas.
Not doing so was a fucking challenge, okay? And after-sex-cuddles made it frickin hard.
How were you supposed to keep it together when your brain was mushy and high on endorphins, when your angel was naked in your arms, all bed-headed and warm and soft, looking at you with a happy, sated smile and those hazy eyes that never lost their sparkle?
How were you supposed to not lean down when he thanked you so sincerely, so pure and oblivious and snuggable? How could you not answer by kissing him with all the tenderness in the world and tell him how perfect he was, how he was everything to you? How did you not whisper to him how you never wanted to let him go? How he was the love of your life?
Dean didn't know.
And the nice feelings weren't the only thing he had increasing trouble controlling.
After all the steps they'd taken with such success recently, Cas was more eager than ever to continue what Dean had long stopped referring to as 'practicing' sessions in his own head. He knew it hadn't been about that for him from the beginning, knew his weak attempt at pretence had only served to quieten his own guilt.
Just practice to help Cas. Uhuh.
Just practice to help Cas that definitely wouldn't make him feel totally legit.
Well. Not letting any feelings get involved had officially been a huge failure on Dean's part, that was for sure. His mind had started to plague him at night, thoughts he'd managed to quieten for a while coming back to hit him with full force when he thought back to the things he'd done to Cas, things Cas allowed him to do. Not that he could regret it. It had all been beyond amazing, filling him with conflicting feelings of rightness and shame.
Don't you think he deserves to know, Sam's voice kept repeating in his head, robbing him of sleep.
He could just imagine the look on his brother's face once Sam returned and found out that Dean had in fact not told Cas a thing. The disapproval, the reproach. Above all, the sadness.
Sam was smart enough to know exactly what had been going on between them while he was away, even if Dean hadn't told him in that many words. He would be able to guess how far things had gone, Dean was sure. He couldn't blame his brother for thinking him a coward, allowing things to escalate like this under false pretences. Dean was ashamed himself.
But was that shame stronger than the overpowering fear he felt whenever he imagined actually telling Cas?
He'd put it off, told himself it was too soon, told himself it didn't matter anyway as long as things had stayed relatively innocent. He'd told himself he couldn't risk Cas ending things too soon, couldn't risk interfering with his potential recovery. Never mind his more selfish reasons to continue, which were heavy and numerous.
But now? He couldn't do it now, could he? Now that they had already ventured far beyond what could be put off as innocent, far beyond what could be argued away as a friend helping his best buddy, someone he regarded as a brother.
Brother, my ass.
Talking about asses, Dean was being ripped from his internal dilemma by Cas grabbing his wrist, pulling at it, guiding it lower from where Dean had placed it at the small of his back while they kissed.
Yes, he had been thinking about how he absolutely shouldn't go on using the angel like this while engaging in a makeout session with said angel. Sue him.
His mind short-circuited for a second when he realized Cas was guiding his palm so he was cupping one of the angel's cheeks, territory Dean had deliberately steered clear of every time, despite the intimacies they had shared, aware that it would be the biggest step, the hardest step for Cas, bearing the biggest potential to cause flash-backs and rekindle his anxiety.
Dean had seen the damage himself that had been done to Cas, remembered the bloodstains on the sheets he had burned, how long it had taken for it all to heal. Just thinking about it made Dean wonder how Cas could even be interested in trying anything in that direction again, without an idea how it was supposed to be done, how it was supposed to feel. When pain was to be avoided, not deliberately caused...
His fingers flexed involuntarily at the train of thought, squeezing Cas' cheek, and he felt the angel shudder above him, couldn't tell if it was in pleasure or discomfort.
He immediately dropped his hand, tried to capture the angel's attention by lightly shoving at his chest so Cas would lean back. Their kiss broke, but Cas didn't slow down, started to kiss a line down Dean's neck instead.
"Cas?"
The angel didn't answer, didn't even look at him, just continued to wander down Dean's body, leaving small pecks and nibbles in his wake. Before Dean knew what was happening, Cas had positioned himself on top of him so Dean's half-hard cock was trapped between his ass cheeks, punching a surprised moan out of the hunter when he experimentally rolled his hips.
"Cas." Dean bit his lip, reaching to grab Cas' hips and stop him from moving, "Hey, hold on. Slow down there."
To his relief, Cas immediately did as he asked, allowing Dean to catch his breath and finally meet the angel's eyes, wide and slightly startled, apparently unnerved about Dean stopping him.
"What are you doing?", Dean asked softly, stroking a soothing hand over Cas' thigh to signalise that he hadn't done anything wrong.
"I wanted..." Cas pressed his lips together, swallowed nervously. "Isn't...Isn't this the next step?", he asked then, unable to hide the slight tremor in his voice, reassuring Dean in his decision to pause.
"Yeah, maybe", Dean granted. "But we don't have to try something new each time, Cas. Especially not now when it comes to this."
"But I- I want..."
Cas trailed off, but it wasn't hard for Dean to read where that sentence was truly going, with how plainly it was written all over the angel's face.
I just want for it to be finally over, those desperate features said.
Dean couldn't blame him. But he also knew that he couldn't let Cas go on that way, not when it was his only motivation to get it over with, not when he wasn't ready, body and mind.
"We don't have to", Dean said, hoping that it would reassure Cas that Dean didn't mind waiting, that there was no need for him to go beyond what he was comfortable with, not for Dean, not for anyone.
But instead, Cas' expression contorted even more into one of distress.
"Weren't you enjoying yourself?", Cas asked far too anxiously for Dean's liking.
"Course I did", he hurried to say, "But that's not the point, Cas."
"But I..." Cas pressed his lips together, his eyes slightly watery before he closed them, released a long breath before suddenly rolling his hips again.
"Please", he breathed out, even though Dean could see the amount of concentration it took him to keep his voice steady, knowing that the tremor wasn't one of pleasure.
Another small roll of his hips made Dean groan before he could stop it, squeezing his eyes shut when the next, bigger movement caused the tip of his cock to catch on Cas' rim for a moment. He heard the angel gasp, felt his hands contract at Dean's sides almost painfully, giving him the strength and presence of mind to finally pull Cas to his side, off Dean's lap.
He knew that the angel could have stopped him easily if he'd wanted to, but he didn't, let Dean manhandle him with an almost defeated expression on his face.
"Cas." Dean sat up fully, seeking the angel's gaze. "I think we should stop for today."
"Dean, no-"
But Dean interrupted him, shaking his head.
"Cas. You're not ready", he said, sure that they both knew it to be true. "And that's okay", Dean assured truthfully, taking Cas' hand and linking their fingers in a supportive gesture. "You've made such great progress lately, but we can't expect it to always go that smoothly. You shouldn't pressure yourself."
"I'm not", Cas said silently, but Dean just smiled softly.
"Let me be the judge of that."
"But I want you."
It wasn't more than a whisper by now, weak and pleading.
Dean's heart broke just a little bit.
"I believe you." He soothed a hand through Cas' hair. "Soon", he promised. "But not today."
Cas was chewing his bottom lip, that watery look in his eyes returning.
"Don't you-" Those big eyes fixed on Dean. "Don't you want me, too?", he asked then, and Dean was shocked to find that there was real fear behind his words, fear of the possibility that Dean might not desire to take that step with him, perhaps even more than there had been about the act itself.
"Cas. Oh, angel." Dean simply had to pull him into a hug, Cas' head coming to rest on his shoulder, Dean's nose buried in Cas' dark hair. "God, of course I want you. I want you so much."
But I love you even more.
"But I won't risk the progress you've made."
Dean turned his head so he could press a kiss to Cas' temple before leaning back, looking into his eyes.
"But-"
"Trust me with this", Dean asked. "Please."
He could see the hesitation in Cas' eyes, his hand coming up to cradle his jaw, a thumb stroking tenderly over Cas' cheek.
"Please, Cas", Dean breathed, begged. "I couldn't bear hurting you. And I don't just mean physically."
I can't, not again, it remained unsaid in the space between them while Cas kept looking at him, contemplating, but finally, he nodded.
"Alright."
Dean smiled.
"But you will-" Cas swallowed. "I mean we will-...won't we?"
"We will." Dean nodded, squeezing Cas' fingers again. "And soon. I promise."
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"What if you were to do it?"
It wasn't the first time Dean thought about it.
It was the first time he felt confident enough to bring it up.
"What?"
Cas looked up from the page of his book.
"That...next step we were talking about", Dean clarified. "You could...y'know." He made a vague gesture, felt insanely stupid, let his hand sink again. "I mean...if that's something you'd want", Dean added, lowering his eyes to hide the blush creeping up his neck.
He could still feel Cas staring at him, how his eyes seemed to burn into his profile and beneath his skin.
"You'd...you'd let me-?" Cas sounded positively flabbergasted. "Dean, I- You'd do that for me?", he asked, his eyes wide and mouth slightly open in surprised wonder when Dean dared to look at him. "You'd be willing...to give yourself over to me so completely?"
It sounded like such big of a deal when Cas said it like that, like he was offering Cas some sort of holy, sacred treasure or some shit. Well. Nothing holy about it, was there.
"I mean...sure." Dean shrugged, hoped it came across as the lighthearted, dismissive gesture it was supposed to look like. No need to show Cas how much of a deal it actually was to Dean, holy or not. "You'd do the same for me, right?"
"Yes", Cas answered without hesitation, seemingly unimpressed by Dean's point. "I hope for us to get there, at least. But...it's not the same for me, Dean. Who else would I give myself to?"
Ah, yes. Of course. There we go.
It's not the same for me, Dean. As if he needed to be reminded of that.
No, Dean thought, swallowing the hint of bitterness, it's not the same. I want this because I love you. You just don't have a better option.
"You're right, it's not the same. It's easier for me", he said instead, proud how unaffected his voice sounded. But Cas just shook his head.
"That's not what I meant."
The angel lay his book aside, making Dean swallow with the heavy implication. The weighty shift of focus that lend the conversation new gravitas.
"Dean...I don't think you understand", Cas said then, his now empty hands folded in his lap, his head tilted slightly. "For me, you're... " He trailed off, kept looking at Dean, sighed. "I mean, I'm sure your other partners felt privileged that you chose them", he continued instead, "but I-"
"Other-" Dean broke him off. Other partners?
"Cas, I haven't...I've never done this", he said, half confession, half defence (Heaven knew why he felt like he needed to defend himself). "Not with another person, anyway."
The surprise on Cas' face was obvious.
"You haven't?"
Dean shrugged.
"Was kind of a big deal, coming to terms with my...liking men, remember?" Liking you...
"Oh." Understanding dawned in Cas' eyes. "Yes, I see."
"I mean I've...experimented a bit", Dean admitted, cursing that damn heat he knew was returning to colour his ears. "On my own. And it's not like I never imagined...y'know. With someone else."
If he hadn't already been blushing anyway he surely would have by now, recalling those guilty hours spent with nothing but his fingers to provide pleasure, his eyes closed to paint pictures on the dark canvas of his eyelids, images of an angel hovering above him, replacing the touch of his own hand, a deep voice whispering words of passion as well as love into his ear.
"But I never actually...did...anything. With anyone", Dean finished, unable to look at Cas as he tried to chase the memory away.
"Why not?"
Well, whyever not?
"Didn't exactly know you were available, did I?"
"Wha-" Cas broke off mid-word, his eyes widening. "O-oh", he stuttered then, turning just a bit red himself. "I assumed you would have imagined it...with anyone, just...in general."
Oh...oh. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Well done revealing more than he'd originally meant to.
"I-" Dean bit his lip, felt the blush spread onto his cheeks, a wave of heat surging through his body so suddenly he felt a little dizzy. "Ah...well. Sorry, if that-"
"Nono." Cas gave him a tentative smile. "Don't apologize. I...I feel honoured that you would choose me for this, Dean."
"Yeah?"
"Of course." Cas' eyes were soft, his smile shy. "I'd have chosen you as well", he said then, as if it was obvious, and maybe it was, but Dean's heart made a little leap hearing it nevertheless.
"So...you interested?", he asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible even though his pulse was picking up speed. "Just thought that...maybe it'd be easier, y'know? For a first attempt? Just to get used to the idea of being touched like that at all."
"It would give me a sense of security I think", Cas agreed slowly, looking at Dean as if asking for a last confirmation that he was actually allowed to accept the offer.
"Okay." Dean nodded, releasing a breath. "Okay good. So if you're in, I am too."
"Are you absolutely certain?"
The look Cas gave him was worry, hope, fear and nervous excitement all at once, and Dean loved him so much he could have burst with it.
Instead he smiled, reaching forward to draw Cas in for a deep kiss, slow and passionate, pouring all his emotion into it.
"There." Dean still smiled when they parted. "Will that convince you?"
An answering smile was tugging at the corner of Cas' mouth now.
"Convince me again", he said, causing Dean to grin before he brought their lips together again.
"Thank you, Dean." The sincere gratitude in Cas' voice pulled at Dean's heartstrings. "That is...you've already given me so much, but that is truly so much more than I could have asked for."
"Nono, don't thank me, Cas, not for this." Dean pressed another quick kiss to his lips, close-mouthed, reassuring. "I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to", he told Cas truthfully, brushing a lock of hair out of his forehead. "A-And not just to help you. Also just...for me."
(To Hell with the damn blush if he could make the angel smile like that.)
"Good." Cas nodded. "Then I think I can do this."
Dean smiled back.
"We're gonna do it together."
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
They didn't plan when they wanted to do it.
Dean wanted it to feel...natural, as natural as possible under the given circumstances anyway, wanted it to develop on its own. Above all, he didn't want Cas to feel pressured again by a date, wanted the angel to decide when to initiate going further than their daily kissing sessions (neither of them seemed eager to talk about the fact that kissing didn't really serve any practicing purpose anymore).
Guilt was still nagging at his mind, Dean avoided calling Sam out of fear that his brother would ask if he'd told Cas yet. Instead, he did what Dean was exceptionally good at. He ignored the fact that he had told himself he wouldn't let things go further with Cas, not while it was still based on a lie, focused on the anticipation instead, the giddy, nervous prickling sensation he felt every time he thought about what Cas would do to him.
Not that Dean wasn't scared. He was. But he trusted Cas. As the angel had said - who to give himself to if not Cas? And he had longed, fantasized, wanted it for so long it overpowered his fear.
And to Dean's great delight, those nasty voices of guilt and shame were blissfully quiet during their sessions. As soon as he had his angel in his arms (or the other way around), everything else went silent, drowned out by the overwhelming sensation of pleasure and happiness he allowed himself to indulge in until he was completely swallowed up in it. (Who knew how long until it was snatched away from him again? He had to savour every second to its fullest.)
The only problem was, the more he sank into that safe haven of bliss, the more he could feel his resolve slipping, the forbidden words creeping up from his heart through his throat to hover on the tip of his tongue, closer and closer the longer he looked into those blue eyes, felt the worshipping touches of those hands and lips.
And when Cas' hand finally wandered to Dean's bottom (no pun intended) one evening, lightly massaging the globe of his cheek, murmuring Is this okay? with so much care and reverence, Dean could only nod mindlessly, trying and failing to grasp that this was actually about to happen.
Cas kissed him then, and the tenderness it conveyed punched the breath out of Dean's chest, the feeling of being worshipped causing his heart to trip over itself, his hands helplessly gripping onto his angel as if trying to keep him from slipping away.
"Cas...", he heard himself breathe out without meaning to when they parted.
I love you, his heart and mind sang as they did so often, I love you, I love you, I love you.
"Cas, I-...I..." He knew he wouldn't be able to stop it this time, knew it would finally make its way into freedom- but before he could lose control and it slipped out, Cas' mouth was on his and kissed him quiet.
Dean was both disappointed and grateful.
It was hardly the first time he'd almost said it, almost let it spill from kiss-swollen lips and an overflowing heart, almost failed to contain it any longer.
Almost. Big word for him. He'd always felt it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost fine. Almost changed. Almost ready.
Almost, but not quite. Not yet. Maybe soon. Maybe never.
Those almosts could all vanish through Cas.
And yet Cas had no idea he was the key to all of Dean's completeness.
It pained him when he realized that fuck, in all the years they'd known each other, after all they'd been through, Cas had never been told by anyone that they loved him. Not once. Cas had sacrificed everything for them, and he had never heard how loved he was.
Dean had to change that.
He'd been talking without speaking for so long, hearing without listening, writing verse after verse in his head, soliloquies he knew would never see the light, confessions and apologies that had no place being spoken.
Dean had found so many ways to say it without actually saying it.
I need you.
I'm not leaving here without you.
I'd rather have you, cursed or not.
And maybe...maybe Cas had, too.
I always come when you call.
I'll watch over you.
Hello, Dean.
There had always been such a terrible precipe between the words they could say and the words they meant. And no one dared to take the leap across. Because it was scary, dangerous even. But the thing was, silence could be just as dangerous, growing like ivy and covering the truth until it was barely recognizable to oneself anymore.
Dean's eyes fell on the hickey blooming on Cas' collarbone, the visible mark of what they'd shared together, a sigil marking Cas as his.
And yet he knew that Cas wasn't, not fully, not truly, not the way Dean wanted him to be.
Cas kissed him again, kissed his mouth, his jaw, his neck. He kissed the tender patch of skin close to Dean's pulse point, the skin Dean knew to still be painted purple too, a poor substitute for the handprint he'd missed so much.
I like seeing my mark on you, Cas had told him.
Was it for the same reason Dean did? The thought of marking Dean as his? But Cas didn't know, not really, had no idea about the extent of that truth, couldn't know how utterly and completely Dean belonged to him and him alone.
Don't you think he deserves to know, Sam had said.
Cas moaned, licked into his mouth, caressed his skin.
Dean couldn't get enough, he couldn't take any more.
"Cas, stop."
The angel froze, letting go immediately and leaning back as if Dean had burned him.
"Dean?" Worried eyes sought his. "What's wrong?"
That blue. His favourite blue. Always so kind and warm and soft...
"I- I'm sorry", Dean heard himself say. "But I can't, not like this, I-"
A shuddering breath left Dean's lungs, too loud in the sudden silence following his words.
"I can't do this anymore."
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
Yup, the others killed me after that ending…