Chapter Twenty

Well then, I hope yall are ready. Prepare for aaaall the emotions, is all I'm saying.

Okay. Here goes nothing. Fingers crossed! *screeeeeeeeeeee*

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"I can't do this anymore."

Dean's words slowly sank in, their meaning spreading in Cas' body, filling him with numbness and cold.

"What?"

The sound of his own voice, disbelieving, emotionless.

"I gotta-" Dean pressed his lips together in a thin line, opened his mouth, sighed. "I can't go on like this, I shouldn't-"

This is it.

"But I thought-"

Cas trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

It's happening, his rushing brain kept thinking. He's gonna end it. I'm gonna lose this, lose him. I'm gonna lose everything I've ever wanted without ever truly having it.

"It's not right", Dean said, and it was like an angel blade had been thrust into his heart.

"Not...right?", Cas heard himself repeat.

If it had ever been one thing for him, it had been right. It was what had helped him the most, overcoming the pain, the memories, the flashbacks. It had been the contrast, the feeling of good and right.

He'd thought that Dean must have felt it too.

It was his own fault, really. Allowing himself to indulge, allowing himself for even a second to get lost in a fantasy, to forget that this was all an arrangement, a pretence.

"I see."

"But that's the thing, Cas, you...you don't..."

Dean's eyes looked desperate. Cas wanted to reach out and touch him. He didn't.

"Look, Cas, you don't understand."

But I do. I do. I understand perfectly.

"I do, Dean. And it's fine." His voice wasn't sad, didn't waver, didn't break from held-back despair. All that would come later, Cas knew. Right now, he just felt empty.

"I shouldn't have asked this of you in the first place", he said, "of course you wouldn't want-"

Wouldn't want me. Not like that. Not completely. Not forever.

Not the way I want you.

"I apologize. It wasn't fair of me to impose that burden on you, no matter what you said about doing it for you."

~oOo~

Dean panicked. He was doing an absolutely amazing job at fucking this up so far. Of course he would. Cas didn't even sound sad or angry. Not even hurt. Everything about him looked calm. Defeated.

"Nono, Cas." Dean shook his head violently. This is all going wrong, this is not what I...not what... "You misunderstand me. It's not that I don't- don't want, I-"

I want you. I want you so much, in every possible way.

Cas gave him an almost indulgent smile. Dean felt sick.

"I know you want to help me, but-"

"Yes, I want to", he quickly agreed before Cas could go on. "And I don't mind doing it like this, Cas. I don't. I want you. I told you I do, and I meant it, Cas, but..."

"But what?" And there, for the first time, there was heat behind Cas' words, pain. "Dean-"

"But it's not..." It's not what this truly is to me, what it means. Dean swallowed. "It's not...all."

Cas tilted his head and Dean felt like crying.

"What do you mean?"

"Cas, I- I can't go on with this without you knowing", he finally said. He wished he could just come out with it like that, just say it and get it over with. But his mouth had different plans.

"I- I thought I could, I tried, but...it's not right, it's not..."

There it was again. Not right. Dean hated himself for saying that. It went against everything his body and mind told him, against every thought and every feeling he had experienced with his angel in his arms. Every touch had fucking reverberated with how right it was.

It had felt right. But had it been right?

It could have been. It should have been. That was why he had to do this.

"Not right..."

Cas had repeated it the first time too. It had sounded dull. Now it sounded pained.

"Is it..." Cas swallowed hard, big blue eyes looking at Dean. "Do you mean because...because I'm an angel?"

"What?" Dean's heart stopped in his chest for a moment. "God, Cas, no. I didn't mean it like that at all! It's not you, it's..."

It's not you, it's me. What a damn cliché. True nonetheless.

"It's just...Cas, it's not fair to you and I-" Dean knew he was rambling at this point, but he couldn't stop, had to keep talking so it would bring his thoughts into the right order, all the lines rehearsed disappeared from his mind. "I have to tell you even if- if..."

Even if you'll send me away.

"Dean." Now, there was a pleading undertone to Cas' voice. Dean could hardly stand it. "What is it? You're scaring me."

He was trying to make things right, goddammit. He was trying to finally do right by Cas.

Instead, his angel looked hurt, rejected, lost.

He wanted to reach for Cas, wanted Cas to reach for him, touch him, give and receive comfort.

They didn't move.

"Dammit, I just-" Dean drove a hand over his face in frustration.

"Yes, I want you", he said then, firm, ringing with truth. "I want to help you, and I want...this. But it's so much more, Cas."

He forced his eyes not to shy away from that intense blue gaze fixed on him, took a deep breath, tried to steady himself, control his raging thoughts.

"Do you remember when I told you about...how there's physical and emotional desire?", he tried.

Cas nodded.

"The thing is that I...I feel...for you, I mean, I-"

Time to man up, Winchester. You've lost him, anyway.

"For me...it's both." Dean breathed out, a sudden and unexpected calmness settling over him, now that he had started, the words waiting at the tip of his tongue, demanding to be spoken. "And I didn't- I didn't understand that. At first. I've only ever known the physical side, y'know? I did it because it felt good, because my body wanted the sensation. But with you, I- I needed time to understand that my longing didn't come from a purely physical desire. Attraction, yes, but not a need. The need was there, but it was emotional. I don't wanna be with you because my body needs it. My body wants you because...because it's you."

A wavy smile crept onto his lips.

"Because I want to be close to you. In every possible way. Because I want to feel that connection. Do you understand that?"

"I-" Cas swallowed, stared. "I'm not...entirely sure." (I do, the angel's head was chanting behind closed doors, out of Dean's perception. I think I do. But it can't, it can't-)

Dean nodded, to himself or Cas, he wasn't sure.

"When I say I want you", he continued, the words flowing easily now, fuelled by the silent plea in his angel's eyes, "I mean that I...I want to touch you, be with you, yes, but I also...I want you to be okay. I want you to feel home, I want you to be safe, I want you to be...happy, Cas."

Dean released a disbelieving laugh about the chaos of emotion swirling inside him, wondering how he'd managed to lock all that away for so long.

"And shit, I wanna be the person that makes you happy. And it's not my place, I know that, but...it's what I want. I wanna see you smile and laugh and- fuck, Cas I just- I want- I need you to know how wanted you are, how- how..."

Dean breathed, one last time.

"How loved you are", he finally whispered, felt the word on his tongue, tasting it for the first time.

"I don't mean...I'm not just talking about family", he continued, just to be sure, just to be safe. Their history of miscommunication was far too long and complicated not to make sure. "I know I said we were like brothers but that's not...I dunno why I-"

He shrugged.

"Maybe it was, at the time. Maybe it was just what I told myself. Maybe it was just the only kind of love I'd ever known to not just go and die on me."

He pressed his lips together at the sting of tears in the corner of his eyes, closed them for a second, breathed.

"Dean..."

His name was a breath of air, warm, soft, caressing him like the summer breeze ghosting through your hair.

He prayed he wouldn't have to live without his name being spoken like that.

"But it's..." His eyes opened, still stinging, meeting equally glistening blue. "You're...Cas, you gotta know, you gotta understand what I...that I..."

That I need you. That I love you. More than I ever knew was possible.

And it was scary, it was fucking terrifying, the power he had over Dean, how he could break him with a single word. But if anyone could manage to take the shattered pieces of his heart and miraculously find it to be worthy, mend it with a single touch, it would be Cas.

"And I can't-" His voice started to crack, but he couldn't care. "I couldn't do this without you knowing. I'm so sorry. I'd understand if you wouldn't want- wouldn't want to continue this, now that I- " Now that I told you, now that you know. "But I couldn't let you go on without knowing what this is to me. Even if it means you want me to stop. But I couldn't keep this up, it felt like I was using you and I couldn't, Cas."

A tear made its way down Dean's cheek, and he let it.

"I couldn't do that to you. I-I know, you- this is not...not the same for you, but...if you'd still allow me- if you can still- I wouldn't care", the lie spilled easily from his lips, pushed from a desperate mind. "I promise I won't say another word, nothing has to change, I can do this just to make you better, Cas, just to help. Please", he said, not really knowing what he was even asking for.

Perhaps it wasn't even a please tell me you feel the same, maybe it was just a please let me stay.

Please...even though you don't feel the same, even now you know- just...just let me...let me be in this one-sided feeling. Just let me exist by your side, but please, don't send me away, don't make me leave you...

"So when this whole thing is over, even if you decide it's over now, right here, this very minute, no matter what we did, no matter how you feel about that, no matter what you think I feel about that, just promise me- promise me you won't leave."

It wasn't fair, he shouldn't do that, shouldn't ask that. He knew. He couldn't stop.

"Please, I couldn't- not again, I...I can't lose you. I can't. Not like that. Not again."

The tears were streaming down his face now, a small sob sitting at the back of his throat that he barely managed to swallow. His vision had blurred a little, but as he focused, he was shocked to find Cas' cheeks stained with dampness as well, trails of silent tears steadily falling into the angel's lap, unhindered.

"Dean, you-" Cas opened his mouth, stared at him with an unreadable expression. "Tell me again", he said then, pleaded.

Dean didn't understand.

"W-What?"

"Tell me again what you want me to know", Cas begged. "Tell me you want me. Tell me you- you..."

His heart started to beat furiously in Dean's chest, the fragile tendrils of hope blooming without his consent as he stared at Cas in disbelief.

He wanted to hear. He wanted to hear it again. Who was Dean to deny him.

"Yes. God, Cas, I want you", he said, and it was so easy, so free, so true. "I want you so much it hurts." Dean wiped at his eyes, needed to see the angel's face clearly. "And if you stay, if you let me stay, I'm gonna show you how wanted you are, how..." He swallowed, looked into desperate, hopeful blue. "How loved", he breathed out. "Because...Cas. You are so...so loved."

A sob forced its way out of Cas' throat at that, and there was a smile, a smile on his face.

"This", he said. "This is what I fantasized about..."

Cas smiled through the tears at Dean's wrinkled brow, couldn't stop smiling if he tried.

Is this really happening?, his mind kept asking itself. He said it. He really said it, he-

"Some time ago, you asked me about my fantasies", Cas explained. "I told you they all ended with you, wanting me. I- I lied. It was so much more. They all ended with this", he confessed, blinking the dampness away. "They all ended with you, loving me, telling me that you love me..."

It was true, right? It had to be true. He hadn't been dreaming.

"Could you say it again?", Cas asked, needed to hear the words repeated, as often as possible, reminding him that they had truly been spoken. "Please."

"Cas..."

The smile on Dean's lips was all softness and warmth, and Cas couldn't help but finally reach for him, needing to touch, to feel, to know.

"Dean." He sobbed, didn't care. "Again", he asked. "Please, again."

"You're so loved, angel", Dean said with those soft eyes. "I-"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Cas closed his eyes and needed to breathe for a moment.

"Is...that okay?"

His eyes flew open, found hopeful, hesitant green. Cas was sure he'd never loved Dean more than in this moment.

"Is that okay?" Cas shook his head in disbelief. "Dean, I- I never dared hope you'd- You're not going anywhere. Please. I- I need you, Dean. So much."

His hands reached up to cup Dean's face, thrumbs wiping at drying tear stains.

"I love you too", he breathed, because he thought, hoped he was allowed to say it now. His eyes closed, pulling Dean in, pressing their foreheads together. "I love you, Dean. Of course I do. Of course, of course..."

"Cas..." A sob, a smile. "Cas, really?"

Cas could just nod with their foreheads resting against each other, his hands tightening where they had come to hold onto Dean's, just breathing, breathing Dean in. And he didn't know what it was, but a memory suddenly struck him, of Dean singing to him, that missing verse, how he had silently added it in his head, wishing it could be heard by Dean's ears.

"Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime", he whispered out now, heard Dean's breath hitch. "Say the word and I will follow you. Share each day with me each night, each morning. Say you love me..."

"You know I do", he heard Dean silently singing back.

"Love me...", they finished together. "That's all I ask of you."

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

IT IS DONE. AND IT WAS SO CHEESY OMG. I'm so sorry I couldn't stop myself xD
Guys. Ma dudes. Ma people. They're gonna be SO damn sappy from now on I swear. Jesus Christ.
I fucking needed this. Please and thanks.