Chapter Twenty-One
This is a long one. Got a bit out of hand tbh. I just hope you'll like it.
Yeah so...my Cas has obviously not observed humanity doing...that for thousands of years. He's an oblivious little bean, bless him. xD Just kinda felt right this way.
Also slight trigger warning for some short but heavy flashbacks.
Anyway, I shall let you get to it, hope you enjoy!
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
I love you too, Cas had said.
His angel, who was smiling at him, radiant like the sun, drying their tears.
"Cas..."
Dean sounded as breathless as he felt, overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, happiness, love...
"Kiss me", his angel asked.
He did. And when their lips met, it was familiar and new all at once. A comfort, a promise, a vow.
Cas welcomed him like he had done a thousand times, and Dean kissed him back, eager to make Cas taste his love at last, writing his oath into the angel's mouth with every careful sweep of his tongue. His fingers were busy doing the same, painting promises on Cas' skin that weren't actually promises at all - why promise something that couldn't possibly be broken - they were truths, had been for decades, and would be for many more. It felt good to tell them at last, sharing them with Cas and the rest of the world, just as he always dreamed, never actively dared to hope. There was no hope necessary anymore, now, with his angel in his arms, so he let it transform into devotion, tenderness, love. All was received in the same fashion, something Dean could only describe as humble passion, a hungry gentleness, grateful for being allowed to give and take in equal measure.
Dean wanted to show him that he'd never want or need anyone else, threading their fingers together, familiar too, but with a new depth, a new meaning.
This hand that had killed and damaged and destroyed, a hand so often covered in blood, had been covered in Cas' blood...
Now it was free to love and cherish Cas the way he'd always wished he could, if the angel really wanted it in return.
"Cas...", Dean breathed between kisses, his name leaving his lips like a hymn, a prayer. "Cas. Cas, I love you. Angel..." He could feel Cas smiling against his mouth every time their lips connected, reveled in the way Cas' fingers threaded into his hair, pulling him close.
"Dean..."
Dean followed Cas down when the angel pulled him to lie on top of him, arms coming around to encircle Dean protectively, reminding him of this place where he felt like he belonged, the home he had found in his angel's embrace. Dean's own hands were sweeping up Cas' sides, fingers gliding over smooth skin, mapping out every inch of his body he could reach. Cas whimpered when Dean's mouth trailed off to follow the line of his jaw, down his neck and to the hickey on his collarbone, licking over the purple mark there, smiling against his skin when Cas gasped.
Mine, mine, mine.
So what if he was being a little possessive. He hoped he was allowed now.
Dean kissed the bruise tenderly, leaned back to look into shining, dilated eyes. A nauseating wave of affection hit him as he let himself take in the sight before him, how Cas seemed to glow, smiling up at him like Dean had hung the moon and the stars. Dean loved him so much it hurt.
"I love you", he said, because now that he'd said it once, he didn't seem able to stop. Maybe all the unspoken I love you's he'd never dared to say aloud had accumulated in his heart and demanded to be set free now.
He didn't mind. He didn't want to hold them back. Not anymore.
"Cas, fuck, I love you so much."
A full-body shudder ran through his angel (his, his, his), Dean could watch how it travelled down his spine, through his limbs and into his fingers, made them contract where Cas was holding onto Dean's body like he never wanted to let go.
"You still...you still want to...?" Dean grinned sheepishly. "Y'know. We were kinda in the middle of something before I...uh..."
"Of course I still want to, Dean." Cas let his fingers travel through the strands of Dean's hair, his nails lightly scraping over his scalp, and Dean wanted to fucking purr. "Now more than ever", the angel assured. "But maybe...I think I'd like...to just let this seep in for a while?"
He looked at Dean questioningly, hesitant, as if he needed to ask his permission.
"I think I just need...I need to make sure that..."
I need to make sure that this is real, Dean could read in his eyes, and hell if he didn't share that sentiment.
"If that would be amenable to you, of course", Cas added as if there was any doubt about that. "I'd like to...lie down and just...feel you in my arms. Have you hold me just because we can. Fall asleep to the sound of your breathing. Wake up to you kissing me." Cas blushed. "I know how that sounds, and maybe it's stupid, but..."
"It doesn't sound stupid, Cas", Dean interrupted him, smiled when hopeful blue eyes looked up at him. "It doesn't sound stupid at all. It sounds perfect."
"Yes?" Cas smiled shily, beautifully, and Dean just had to lean down and kiss him again, just a press of lips, short and sweet.
"Perfect", he repeated, rolling over and pulling Cas with him so they were holding each other, Cas tucked into his side as closely as possible, his head resting on Dean's chest. He leaned down to press a kiss to Cas' hairline.
Dean knew he would doubt at some point. He'd ask himself if this was really happening, ask himself how Cas could possibly return his feelings, think about how he'd never be worthy of the angel's affection, let alone his love. But not now. Now, he pushed it down, felt his angel safe and right in his arms, breathing in his scent before closing his eyes.
"Sweet dreams, my angel."
Cas hummed contently against Dean's skin.
"Goodnight, Dean."
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
When Dean woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he was warm, encircled in a tight embrace. They'd ended up spooning in their sleep, and of course Dean was the little spoon. Dean sighed internally. Not that he'd ever tell anyone, but he fucking loved being the little spoon.
The second thing he noticed was that he was hard. No surprise, really, even at his age everything downstairs worked perfectly well, thank you very much, and morning wood was no rare occurrence, so he didn't wonder at it now that his body was pressed flush against miles of warm, soft, perfect angel.
And an angel who was both equally hard and still fast asleep, his length pressing between Dean's ass cheeks.
Oh shit. So they hadn't even bothered to put any clothes on last night...well.
Not that it was uncomfortable. Far from it. Dean was actually totally on board with it, especially when Cas released a breath against his neck and unconsciously rolled his hips in a tiny movement to grind against Dean in his sleep. Oh yes. No doubt, he was absolutely on board, as was his dick that immediately hardened further from the stimulation in his back.
"Cas..."
Dean tried to suppress a moan when Cas moved again, having trouble not to press back against the angel's groin in case Cas would wake up and freak out about their position.
"Cas. C'mon, buddy. You gotta wake up."
His only response was an increasing pressure from behind as Cas pulled him closer.
"Cas. Cas, please..."
Dean bit down on his lip to stifle the groan that threatened to slip out, reaching back to lightly shake Cas awake. He could feel the second the angel regained consciousness, didn't have to see his eyes opening. He could tell it from the way the body behind him suddenly tensed mid-grind, how the arms encircling him withdrew.
"Dean." He could hear the shock in Cas' voice, felt how the warmth in his back began to pull away. "Oh, I'm so sor-"
"No, stay." Dean quickly reached behind himself, placing a hand on Cas' thigh to keep him from pulling away further. "Only draw back if you don't want this."
A moment's hesitation followed, and Dean was already about to take his hand away to allow Cas to withdraw further when the angel's muscles relaxed beneath his palm, the warmth in his back returning on a slow exhale. Dean dared to stroke Cas' thigh reassuringly, even wiggled his hips the tiniest bit to lead Cas to return to his previous position.
"Oh, Dean..."
Cas moaned close to his ear, carefully pressing back into the questioning roll of Dean's hips.
"That's right..." Dean tightened his hold on Cas' leg, encouraged him to bigger movements, moaned when Cas complied. "Good morning to you too, angel", he said breathlessly, a smile in his voice.
Cas pressed his lips to the nape of Dean's neck in reply, peppering featherlight kisses from his neck to his shoulder that made goosebumps pop up all over Dean's skin. His hand came sneaking around Dean's waist again, came to rest splayed out on top of his bare stomach.
"This is really alright?", Cas breathed into his ear, pressing their bodies impossibly closer, kissing the skin behind Dean's ear when he nodded.
"More than alright", Dean assured. He let go of Cas' thigh and grabbed the hand that lay on his stomach instead, guiding it down slowly, just enough so Cas could feel Dean's erection trapped against the bedsheet. "See?"
Cas moaned when he felt the proof of Dean's own arousal, linking their fingers together before placing their hands down on his chest, using the leverage to guide Dean's body back against his and increase the friction of his cock sliding through the crack between Dean's cheeks as he began to move in earnest.
"Yeah. Yeah, Cas, just like that."
Dean tried to match Cas' rhythm the best he could, his moans getting louder with every roll of Cas' hips, the glide turning smoother from Dean's sweat and Cas' precome. Dean had trouble deciding if he should grind back against Cas or forward into the sheets to give his neglected cock some relief. His fingers clenched down on Cas' and he threw his head back as the tip of Cas' length caught on his sensitive rim, the angel losing no time taking advantage of the new position by latching onto the spot where his neck met his shoulder, attacking it with lips, teeth and tongue, and God did Dean hope he'd leave another mark behind.
"Dean." The hot exhale turned cold against the spit-slicked skin on Dean's neck. "Dean, please..."
"You wanna..." Dean panted slightly. "You wanna come like this?"
Cas just whimpered in return, snapped his hips again.
"What do you need, angel?" Dean pulled their entwined hands up to his mouth, pressed sloppy kisses to Cas' fingers. "Anything. I'll give you anything you want."
"All I've ever wanted is you."
Dean closed his eyes, overwhelmed by that simple sentence, his heart fluttering pathetically in his chest.
"You have me", he promised, didn't know what else to do.
"Turn." Cas suddenly pulled on his shoulder, a new kind of desperation in his voice. "Turn, please, I want..."
Dean followed immediately, rolling over to face Cas even though he instantly missed the feeling of his warmth pressed so tightly against his back. As soon as they were face to face Cas was already surging forward for a kiss, but Dean stopped him before their lips could meet.
"Morning breath", he explained regretfully.
"I don't care if you don't."
Cas looked at him, blue eyes pleading, and how could Dean say no to that.
Cas instantly parted Dean' lips with his tongue when their mouths met, pulling Dean in, deepening the kiss, hungry for contact as well as connection. When Cas licked into his mouth, Dean could feel a cold spark pass from Cas' tongue to his, leaving a slight taste of peppermint behind.
"Shouldn't waste your grace like that", he mumbled between kisses, completely failing to sound reprimanding. He felt Cas smile against his lips, deepening the kiss until Dean forgot what he'd even meant to scold him for.
"So tell me." He pressed a kiss to the corner of Cas' mouth. "What do you want?"
"Do you still..." Cas' eyes were dark, his pupils blown. "Can I...?"
His hand hesitantly trailed down Dean's side, over his hip, traced his hipbone just shy from wandering lower, the implication igniting a fire in Dean's whole body.
"What we talked about yesterday?", he asked, attempting not to sound too hopeful in case he'd misunderstood and Cas wasn't ready after all.
But the angel nodded.
"Mhm."
Dean bit his lip to stifle the groan that tried to escape him.
"Of course, sweetheart." He nodded, not even aware of the pet name that slipped his lips. "If you feel up to it."
His calm voice betrayed how Dean was practically burning up to feel Cas that way, how he'd been desperate for it from the moment he'd felt him hard against his backside.
"Yes." Cas smiled at him, nervous but determined. "Yes, I'd like to try."
Dean smiled back, opened his arms in invitation.
"C'mere, then." Cas followed willingly, let himself be guided to roll over so Dean's back was resting on the mattress, Cas hovering over him. Dean couldn't help but reach out and brush back a strand of hair that had fallen into Cas' forehead.
"My angel...", he whispered, meeting Cas as he leaned down for another kiss.
"Yours", answered his angel, and this time, Dean didn't hold back the pathetic noise he made.
"God, Cas, I'll never tire of hearing that."
Cas smiled.
"You'll get to hear it for a long time."
~oOo~
Cas could feel the nervous anticipation prickling under his skin like little sparks trailing down his spine and into his limbs. Dean looked breathtaking splayed out beneath him like this, gazing up at him with dark eyes, waiting patiently for Cas to come to him, giving himself over to Cas' care.
It was beyond exhilarating, the trust and love shining from Dean's eyes, mixed with a heavy sense of arousal and desperation.
Cas found that desperation mirrored in himself. Desperate to explore this new kind of intimacy, desperate to feel how it would be to be physically connected to Dean in the closest way two people could share, how it would feel to be one.
It all sounded too perfect to be true, his fantasies finally coming to life, his desire clashing in a conflicting battle with the nagging memories of past pain and agony.
It couldn't be right like that, could it? People wouldn't want to share this if that was what it felt like, Cas knew that, but he still couldn't suppress the fear he could feel creeping up in him when he imagined actually turning this perfect fantasy into action.
What if it wasn't what he hoped it would be? What if it turned out to be something Cas couldn't enjoy, what if he disappointed Dean, what if he hurt him, what-
"How do you wanna do this?"
Cas was ripped from his raging thoughts, his eyes refocusing on Dean, smiling at him.
"Do you want to prepare me or should I?"
"I think I..."
Cas hesitated. He knew he wanted to do it. He just wasn't sure if he could. He didn't know how, didn't know how to make it good for Dean, didn't know how to separate it from his own memories, how to turn it into an act of pleasure and love instead...
"Hey. Cas, you good?"
Dean's brow furrowed in worry, a hand coming up to touch his shoulder, stroke soothingly down his arm. Cas released a slow breath, nodded.
"Yes, I'm just...I don't know." He pressed his lips together, fought against the sudden, unwanted stinging in his eyes. "I want this", he promised truthfully. "I want everything with you. And at the same time, I'm just...scared. About it all. Dean, I-"
"Hey, I know, Cas." Dean sat up slightly, stroked through his hair. "I understand. It's okay."
"Maybe..." Cas swallowed. "Maybe if you showed me..."
"Yeah. Sure, we can do that." Dean pressed a kiss to Cas' temple. "Whatever you want."
"I just want to make it good for you."
Dean nodded, his eyes impossibly soft.
"And it will be good", he said, Cas recognized it as a promise even aware that Dean couldn't know for sure. "But...Cas. That's not just your responsibility, y'know?", he went on, looking at Cas with firm, serious eyes. "I'm gonna help you. We're gonna make sure it's good for both of us, okay?"
And somehow, Cas could feel some of the tension seeping out of his shoulders, the fear keeping his stomach twisted in a painful knot retreating to a nervous stinging. Of course Dean would know just what to say to make him feel at ease.
"Okay?" Dean looked at him expectantly, smiling when Cas nodded.
"Okay", he agreed. "Show me what to do."
He watched as Dean lay back down, reaching over to retrieve the bottle of lube from his bedside drawer and squirting some of the substance into his palm before lifting his legs, planting both his feet on the mattress. He looked nervous himself, throwing a quick glance at Cas before closing his eyes and bringing his hand down between his legs.
"Aren't you going to turn around?"
Cas squinted his eyes in surprise about Dean's position.
The hunter's eyes snapped open again, his hand hesitating, tongue flicking out to wet his lips.
"Oh." He looked at Cas, seemingly disappointed. "I mean I can if you'd rather..."
Cas shook his head. He much preferred to see Dean's face, and for Dean to see his, forcing down the memory of how it had felt to be held down like that, unable to see or touch.
"No, that's not what I mean. I just thought..." He lowered his gaze. "Isn't that how...?"
"Not always. Some people think it's easier, but..." Dean pressed his lips together. "I can, if you think that would be better, with...y'know, memories and..."
He shrugged, attempted a smile, but his eyes looked sad, realization dawning in Cas.
"That's not why I asked, Dean", he hurried to assure him. "I just thought that's how it was done", he explained, watched how Dean's mouth opened in understanding. "I'm glad if you don't have to. I'd much rather look at you, if that's alright."
This time when Dean smiled at him it was the genuine, brilliant smile he loved so much.
"Yeah", he agreed. "Yeah, definitely. I'd like that better too, Cas."
Dean leaned back again, looked at Cas for permission to proceed, rubbing the lube between his fingers at Cas' nod.
"Warm it up a little before you start", he explained, "won't make you tense from the cold."
Cas watched as Dean reached down, circling his entrance for a moment, relaxing into the pillow with a gasp when he breached his rim. Cas tensed slightly at the sound, but the look on Dean's face didn't seem pained, so he forced himself to relax again.
"It's really not that complicated." Dean's breath hitched a little, probably from grazing a sensitive spot. "Basically just...go slow, use enough of this and you should be fine. Just use one finger at a time until it feels like you can add another and so on."
Cas stared, entranced by Dean's hand working himself open, a surge of heat racing through his body as a whimper escaped Dean's lips.
"You really...enjoy this?", Cas heard himself whisper, his fingers twitching by his side, already eager to reach out and touch Dean as well.
"I mean...yeah." Dean blushed at the admission, shy and beautiful. His gaze fell on Cas' trembling hand, a small smile on his lips.
"You wanna try?", he asked, pulling his own hand away in invitation.
Cas hesitated for a second, but then he felt himself moving, let Dean coat his finger in more lubricant. In a sudden need for contact, he leaned down and pressed his mouth to Dean's leg, pleased at the hum reverberating through Dean's body. His lips travelled inwards to nibble at the tender skin of his inner thigh, felt how Dean's hand stroked through his hair in return.
"Cas..."
Cas closed his eyes for a moment, gathering courage, his hand stroking down down down until it stopped just short of its destination, held in the suspense.
"It's okay." His eyes flit up to meet Dean's smiling green ones. "You can touch me."
The first contact was short, a featherlight brush of skin. Still, it made Dean shiver.
The second was longer, surer. Cas let his finger explore the new territory, watched every reaction, listened to every sound, finding out where Dean was most sensitive.
He moaned when Cas started to apply more pressure, encouraging him further.
"That's good", he breathed, squeezing Cas' other hand. "You're doin' good, Cas, keep going."
Cas wanted to. He did.
Dean was making these beautiful noises already, Cas couldn't wait to find out how many more he could draw out of him, he just felt how his finger finally slipped inside, just heard the sigh of relief that left Dean's lungs when it hit him.
The flash came sudden, unannounced, slamming into Cas' body and mind like a huge wave, inexorable, drowning, suffocating.
Fingers moving inside him, making him cry out more in pain than pleasure, forcing him open, fast, rough, barely preparing him for what else was to come...
Cas pulled back as if he'd been burned, panting, clutching his hand to his chest.
At the same time, a hand wrapped around him, maybe a bit too tight, a bit too dry, but still enough to draw pleasure from a willing body that refused to obey an unwilling mind.
"That's it." Hot breath against his ear. "Look at you, how well you take it. Soon I'll have you like we've both wanted, isn't that right, Cas?"
"Cas?" He was shivering, a hand shaking his shoulder, the grip firm but still somehow gentle, so different from the phantom hands he could still feel holding him down. "Cas, look at me. Cas, angel, come on!"
Cas' eyes snapped up from where he'd apparently been staring at the sheets, meeting huge, worried green. A hand found its way onto his face, cupping his cheek, warm and tender. Cas placed his own on top, holding it there.
"Dean..."
"Hey." Dean smiled in relief. "There you are. That's good, sweetheart." His thumb skimmed out to stoke over Cas' cheek. "Look at me. It's all good."
With his heart rate returning to normal, the memory ebbing away, Cas slowly regained consciousness of where he was, what he'd been doing, what had happened. His eyes filled with tears, his throat choked as the first one trailed down his cheek.
"Dean, I- I'm sorry, I can't..." He stumbled over his own words, ringing for breath. "I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do it, I'm gonna hurt you, and I can't hurt you, Dean, I can't-"
"Hey. Hey, Cas. Shhh." Dean shook his head, the pain over Cas' distress obvious in his eyes when his other hand came up to frame Cas' face, hold him steady. "Look at me", Dean asked, soft but insistent. "Come on, look at me."
Cas did, anchoring himself in the warm green, the care and the love he found there, focused on it, railed in his erratic breathing.
"That's good", Dean whispered. "Breathe. It's alright. Everything's gonna be fine."
There were still tears running down his cheeks, but Cas nodded, followed when Dean pulled him in to lean against his chest, his head resting on Dean's shoulder.
"I'm sorry", he whimpered again, felt Dean holding him tighter.
"Shhh..."
"Sorry, I'm so sorry, Dean." It just came spilling from Cas' lips, the desperate need to explain, to make Dean understand pulling at his chest, pushing out the words in a hurried flow. "I'm- I'm just...E-Every time I imagine, I- I want to, nothing more, but I also- I can feel it, Dean. I can still feel how it was when- when he-"
"Cas." Dean silenced him with a kiss to his temple. "Sweetheart. Hey. I love you. This is not like that."
"I know but-"
Dean sighed as he pulled back slightly to look at him, but Cas knew it was just his sadness over Cas' pain.
"I wouldn't have asked you to do this if I didn't think it would be good", Dean told him. "For both of us."
"I know, Dean." He did know. He did. And he knew it could be good. He trusted it could be good, but... "It's just..."
He trailed off, didn't even know how to finish, but of course he didn't need to.
"I know." Dean nodded, and in his eyes Cas could see that it was true. "I know, angel. Come here." Dean pulled him back in, resting his chin on Cas' head. "We don't have to, okay?", he said then, a suggestion, a promise. "We can just stop. And try again in a few weeks. Months. Years. Or never. Whatever it is you want. I love you. And I'm still gonna love you afterwards, whether we do this or not."
Cas had to close his eyes at that, an overwhelming wave of love and gratitude washing over him. He still couldn't quite believe he got to hear those things, to have those words, Dean's words, to have Dean...
How beautiful to have found a heart that loved you, without asking you for anything but to be okay.
The tearstains on Cas' cheeks had dried. He breathed.
"What if I hurt you?"
His words were small, quiet. Dean pressed a kiss to his hair.
"You won't."
"You can't know that." Cas drew back, needed to look into Dean's eyes again. "I can't know that."
"I trust you", Dean simply said. "And I...I want this, I promise you, I do. I've wanted this for a very long time, Cas. I just want to feel you."
Cas swallowed, held the gaze of those beautiful green eyes.
"You trust me?", Dean asked, and of course Cas did, of course.
"Of course", he said, and Dean smiled.
"Then trust me when I say we'll be fine." He stroked his knuckles over Cas' cheeks, wiped the last traces of dampness away. "We'll be okay if you decide to stop. And if you decide you want this, too, it'll be alright. Better than that." A shy smile suddenly curled the corners of his lips. "I wouldn't give myself to anyone else like this, you know that, right Cas?"
Cas knew.
All that trust...from both of them. Cas had to close his eyes for a moment.
When he opened them, he breathed deeply, the decision made as far as it would let him, in both his heart and mind.
"You promise to tell me if-"
"...if it hurts", Dean finished with a smile, "yes, of course."
"Or even just if you don't like it", Cas added.
"Okay. Okay, I will. Promise."
"I love you."
He said it because he had to. He said it because he was allowed to. He said it because it made Dean smile like that.
"I love you too", he said, gently pulling Cas in. "Now kiss me."
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
This cliffhanger was not planned I SWEAR but as I said it kinda got out of hand and I didn't think the conversation leading up to it would be this long and then the characters developed their own will and demanded of me to write whatever is written in this chapter now I don't even remember and yeah. Almost 5k all of a sudden and I had to split it hhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, I really am. Blame the boys.