Chapter Twenty-Three
A chapter full of silly fluff. Enjoy:)
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"Will this ever stop, Dean?"
Cas lay with Dean tucked into his side, head resting on the arm Cas had slung around his shoulders. They had decided to stay in bed the rest of the day, neither feeling the urge to get up (or the will to separate), just content to stay right where they were, resting their tired limbs and enjoying the comfort of this new kind of unhurried, innocent intimacy.
"What?", Dean asked into Cas' skin, loved how his voice was slightly muffled, how he could feel Cas' warmth against his lips.
"This desire to be close to you", Cas said, instinctively tightening his hold, "all the time."
"Dunno." Dean couldn't help but smile, cuddling deeper into the angel in return. "But God, I hope it doesn't."
The content hum that reverberated through Cas' body made Dean close his eyes for a second, revelling in the angel's warm body against his, Cas' fingers painting slow patterns on Dean's shoulder. He breathed in, let the feeling of peace and happiness and home spread into every corner of his being.
He still couldn't believe he was here, couldn't believe how good it felt, how he never wanted to have this moment end. The tiny voice in his mind that usually told him he didn't get to have nice things, good things, how he'd never be deserving of it, of Cas...it had gone quiet, drowned out by the warm glow in his chest that just kept spreading and spreading the longer he remained in his angel's arms.
This was it. This was everything he'd wanted, everything he hadn't dared to let himself imagine, let alone have, for the fear of losing it again. But he got to have it now, he didn't know how or why, but he would damn well keep it for as long as humanly possible. (Maybe even longer if he was lucky.)
Maybe all he needed was to finally allow himself to be happy. He probably wouldn't get there immediately, but he could try. Cas would help him. Dean knew he would.
~oOo~
Cas heard how Dean released a sigh, a sound of relief, like a weight falling from his shoulders as he leaned up to press his smiling lips to Cas' bare chest, feel his heartbeat, the proof of him being strong and alive and here. His mouth travelled upwards, leaving goosebumps in its wake, over Cas' collarbone and in the nudge where neck met shoulder.
Cas smiled at him when Dean leaned back, watched as Dean's hand lifted, the back of his fingers stroking reverently over Cas' cheek.
"Damn, you're beautiful", he murmured, and Cas could tell from the tone of his voice that he wasn't just talking about his body's physical appearance.
"Sometimes I wish I could see you", Dean went on. "The real you."
Dean looked at him like he already was seeing him, actually wanted to see him. All of him, flaws and stains and broken pieces, and Cas knew what he meant, had found the same wish in his heart more than once, the desire to be able to share everything with Dean, everything he had to give, to have Dean know him like no other being ever would.
By now, Cas had found that it didn't need anything more for that.
He smiled softly, taking the hand that Dean had dropped to his chest, brought it to his lips, pressed feather-light kisses to Dean's fingertips.
"I think you've been the only person to ever truly see me, Dean", he said, and Dean swallowed, lips parting, his eyes going wide and awed. Cas would never get enough of looking at him, touching him, learning about him, getting closer and closer and closer.
"It's still there, you know?"
Cas entwined their fingers, his palm to the back of Dean's, placed their joined hands on Dean's shoulder, right where his handprint had once been.
"I can still feel it", Cas whispered, let the echo of energy run through his fingers and up his arm like a stream of bubbling water. "I didn't even mean to leave it there, but I could never be sorry I did. A seraph staking a claim to an archangel's vessel, it should have been outrageous, but...it felt so right, Dean. You never belonged to him, he could never own you like he wanted, you're far too strong for that. Perhaps it was presumptuous, but I couldn't help but pride myself in you wanting to belong to me instead."
"Wanting?"
Dean's brow furrowed, Cas humming in confirmation.
"It was an accident on my part", he said, "I couldn't have foreseen the effect your soul would be having on me, I had never seen its equal, couldn't stop how my grace refused to let go. But you..." Cas shook his head with a smile. "Your soul seemed to be clutching back, Dean, as if it didn't want me to let go, wanted me to...to claim it. But not as a possession. As a gift. It wanted to belong..."
He squeezed Dean's hand as the hunter swallowed, lowered his eyes, but Cas wouldn't let him, gently tipping up his head until their eyes met.
"I always thought...perhaps we knew", Cas went on, "perhaps we already knew back then, my grace and your soul, maybe the deepest parts of us already knew what you'd mean to me some day."
"How?"
The whispered phrase was heavy with meaning, heavy with doubt and longing and hope. How could we have known?, it said. How did we end up here? How could you have chosen someone like me?
Cas smiled sadly, releasing Dean's hand to stroke over his cheek, over his temple, run his fingers gently through Dean's hair, watch as he leaned into every touch, searching, asking, pleading.
"I don't think you understand what you are to me", he said, and he could read in Dean's eyes that no, he didn't, and he was scared to be told, yet craved it like nothing else.
Loving Dean had been the first choice he'd made as a free man. Loving at all was a choice that Dean had taught him about, that Dean had opened and made possible.
"Then tell me", Dean asked. "What...what do I mean to you now?"
And how was Cas supposed to answer that? How was he supposed to tell Dean that he was his life? His reason and his purpose, his will, his guidance, his direction? His freedom and his home?
"Everything", Cas said, because they had time, they'd have so much time now for Dean to understand what that meant. "You mean everything to me, Dean."
How?, Dean's eyes seemed to ask once more.
"Still?", was what he asked instead, small, fearful, causing Cas' smile to soften.
"Always."
"Cas..." Dean drew his thumb over Cas' bottom lip, watched how it caught there, how Cas reached up to hold it there, to kiss it in a sweet, tender press of lips.
"Knowing you is a blessing." He pressed a kiss to Dean' fingers. "Being your friend is an honour." A kiss to Dean's palm. "Loving you is a privilege."
Dean released a shaky breath, but the tension of worry seemed to seep from his shoulders as his eyes closed momentarily before settling on Cas', open and awed.
"Even if I was better with this shit, one million words wouldn't be enough to tell you how I feel about you."
Cas' heart fluttered in his chest, filling with emotion so overpowering he feared he might burst if he tried to contain it.
"I only need three."
Dean smiled at that, brilliant and breathtaking.
"I love you", he said, so ready and easy and overwhelmingly beautiful.
"That's all I'll ever need", Cas promised, It's more than I ever thought I could have.
He held Dean's gaze as he looked at him, his brow furrowing despite the smile on his lips.
"What if I need more?", Dean asked then, pressing his lips together. "If I need you to know? To really... if I need you to understand".
"But I do."
The concept of love, so overpowering and all-encompassing, so beautifully human...it was hard to grasp, Cas could only agree. And something so grand, so beyond description even to oneself, how could you expect someone else to see the expanse of something boundless? Perhaps it was solely possible of the other person had experienced it for themself.
And for Dean, Cas knew there was even more to it, an unspoken doubt about Cas being able to understand the extent of Dean's feelings, for how should the angel possibly feel the same endless and unconditional devotion towards him?
He didn't understand that to Cas, the grandeur of the angel's own feelings seemed to grow pale in comparison to the joy and honour of being the chosen object of Dean's affection. To be loved, by Dean no less, who loved with his entire soul, loved in ways Cas never thought might be directed his way...
"I do, Dean", he assured, but Dean just shook his head, fingers tightening around Cas', clinging to him.
"I don't think you do. How could you." He smiled sadly at Cas, helplessly shrugged his shoulders. "I don't even understand it myself. It's...this feeling, it's like..."
He trailed off, searching for words, but Cas found them for him.
"It's like flying and falling and hovering in mid-air, never knowing when you're going to crash", he finished, smiling when Dean's eyes widened in surprise. "It's like wanting to have a home, and to be one in return. It's like missing someone even though they're in the same room. It's like breathing and drowning and being brought back to life by the same mouth, the same hands, the same eyes that possess the power to destroy you. It's like wanting to give and to receive, and to give without receiving anything at all, because you don't even care. Because all that matters now is him, and if he's happy you're happy, even if you're dying inside. It's taking the flight risk even when you're afraid of falling, just because there's a chance there'll be someone there to catch you."
Dean stared at him, his lips slightly parted.
"Yeah", he breathed, swallowed. "Like that."
Cas smiled, and Dean could do nothing but tilt the angel's chin up to taste that smile.
It tasted like hope.
~oOo~
Dean had just finished a phone call with his brother, telling him it wouldn't be too long now until he could return safely, but he hadn't mentioned the new development between him and Cas, not yet. It didn't seem like a conversation one should have over the phone.
And he didn't want to overstep lines. Even being quite sure mutual confessions of love had to mean a change in their relationship from now on, he still couldn't be sure what Cas would want that to encompass, and he'd put it off so far, having to talk to the angel about anything concerning dangerous territory like the future, anything beyond the safe space of their time alone, their time working on Cas' anxiety. It almost felt like a different life, as if they'd been trapped in a bubble for the last months, a bubble that was soon about to pop, and Dean didn't know what awaited him when they had to return to real life.
"Dean?"
"Mhm?"
He climbed back into bed, lay down on his side to mirror Cas' position, looking at the angel with a smile. Cas hesitated, bit down on his lower lip.
"When Sam comes back...what...I mean how..."
Cas trailed off, eyes questioning, insecure, expectant. Well. So much to putting that conversation off.
"What am I gonna tell him?", Dean asked, because at least that was an easy one. "The truth."
"And what is that?"
Dean's heart ached at the worry furrowing Cas' brow, turning Dean's smile soft and soothing.
"That I finally got you", he said, searching for one of Cas' hands under the blanket and threading their fingers together to mark his point. "And that I'm not planning on letting you go again."
"So...we won't..." Cas still seemed hesitant, he lowered his eyes, stroked a thumb over the back of Dean's hand as if seeking reassurance. "We won't go back to the way things were?"
"What?" Dean swallowed hard. "I-Is that what you want?"
"No!" The knot in his stomach loosened as Cas' eyes snapped back to his, wide with shock, and Dean could breathe again. "Absolutely not", Cas assured him, pressing his lips together. "I just thought...despite the things you said, and I don't doubt that you meant them, Dean, I don't. But I know you." He gave Dean a smile, understanding but with a hint of sadness. "I know this isn't easy for you. And I wouldn't have blamed you. In front of your brother, you know. In front of the world."
Dean wanted to deny it, wanted to tell him that everything would be fine, would be easy from now on. But he couldn't. He knew Cas was right, and Cas knew it too. Maybe that was a good thing, though, Cas being prepared for the inevitable bumps in their road. How could he not be. When had life with the Winchesters ever been anything but a constant succession of downs and downs and downs. Yet Cas still seemed willing to try, Dean's heart realised with a little jump, and maybe, just maybe the next fall wouldn't be so hard if they could take it together...
"Sam already knows, Cas", Dean said, concentrating on the one less thing they'd have to worry about in the sea of uncertainties.
Cas' eyebrows drew up in surprise.
"He does?"
"Yeah." Dean shrugged, smiled wrily. "I mean...not that I stopped being an idiot and told you. He doesn't know that yet. But he knew that there was something. Probably knew sooner than I admitted it to myself."
"Oh." Cas nodded to himself. "So...no going back?", he asked, the deeply rooted need for reassurance shining from his eyes, and Dean smiled, shaking his head, squeezing his fingers.
"God, no", he breathed, a relief to himself as much as to Cas. "Never. Before...this. I dreaded having to go back, Cas", he admitted. "To the way things were. Pretend that everything was the same? After I'd seen what you look like in your sleep? After knowing how it is to wake up with you? After knowing what it feels like to be allowed to touch you...I dunno if I could've done it, Cas."
Cas smiled back now, a beautiful thing, filled with hope and love. He lifted their hands to his lips, pressed a light kiss to Dean's knuckles.
"Me neither, beloved."
Dean wondered if he'd ever stop feeling all gooey and fluttery at that name. He hoped not.
"Cas?"
"Mhm?"
"You're right, though." Dean hated that he had to bring it up again. But he knew he should.
"This...us. It's not easy for me. For multiple reasons", he confessed, looking down at their hands so he wouldn't have to meet Cas' eyes. "And just...in case...maybe I'll need time. PDA, that's not my...I want that", he assured, his heart leaping in his chest when he thought about them walking around in public, holding hands as they walked through the farmer's market, Cas feeding him samples of bread with flavoured honey, thoughtlessly kissing a smile on Cas' lips just because he felt like it, out for everyone to see. Damn, he was scared of it, but he wanted it so badly.
"Normal relationship crap, y'know... I've just never been there. So if I'm being an asshole again for some reason...just don't give up on me, okay?" He lifted his gaze, found reassurance in the warm blue that met him. "Don't let me push you away", he breathed. Don't let me fuck this up. "I want this to work. And I'm gonna do my best to make it work. It might just take some time."
Cas smiled, soft and gentle and so full of affection Dean felt like crying.
"I'd have waited forever, Dean", he said, and it sounded so honest, so truthful, like a simple fact, and to Cas, it probably was.
"I'm not asking for forever. Just a little while."
Cas nodded seriously.
"As long as you need, Dean. I'm not going anywhere."
Warmth spread in Dean's chest, seeped into his limbs and made his body tingle. He could feel his heart beating with it, filling with it, until it felt like it would burst if it didn't find another output.
This was love. For all those years, he couldn't help but feel it, had never been able to really share it until now, and yet he was familiar with how it was to lose it. He knew he couldn't do that again, not now, not after he'd experienced how it was to have this, have him.
"You better not." He tried to sound joking, but it came out desperate, revealing the emotion pulsing in his chest. "You can't ever leave me again, Cas. Remember that field?", he found himself saying, hadn't meant to, but the words were suddenly there, falling from his lips, and he didn't have the strength to stop them. "The field with the windmill? I brought you there, wanted you to be somewhere nice, something you'd like, someplace worthy. Do you know what it did to me, all those times? All the times you left? The times you...died? I was a mess, Cas." Dean released a shaky breath, closed his eyes for a moment as he felt them sting with tears at the memory. "I didn't know how to go on, didn't want to. Because it's always...it's always been you, Cas. And I can't do it again. Not after having this. I can't be without you again. I wouldn't make it."
And if you go...if you go again you gotta take me with you. I couldn't-
"Dean." Cas' free hand lifted to Dean's face, stroked a tear away that he hadn't even realised had rolled down his cheek. "I never wanted to leave you", Cas whispered, his voice so soft and sad. "All I ever wanted was for you to ask me to stay."
A humourless chuckle forced its way out of Dean's throat.
All I ever wanted was for you to make me ask.
"I didn't think I had the right to ask that of you."
"Ask me, then." Cas smiled that beautiful smile again. "Ask me now."
He'll say yes if I ask now, Dean knew.
A last trace of that tiny voice at the back of his head told him he shouldn't, shouldn't make Cas promise, shouldn't let that perfect being bind himself to someone like Dean, but a look into Cas' eyes silenced it. There was hope and love and longing in those blue depths, the wish to be allowed to give himself freely, to finally know that his gift would be received, would be wanted and cherished. And how could Dean deny him that?
He leaned their foreheads together, closed his eyes, released a long breath.
"Cas? Will you stay?" He could feel the smile on Cas' lips, heard it in the way he breathed, felt it in the press of his skin. "Please, say you'll stay."
"I'll stay."
He could also hear it in Cas' voice, bright and happy. Dean had to open his eyes, had to see it, and there it was, blinding him with its brilliance.
"Dean, we're going to be together", Cas breathed, awed, as if he couldn't believe his own words. "You're mine."
"Yours", Dean repeated, because of course he was, perhaps he always had been."And I get to keep you, Cas. God, I actually get to keep you."
Cas nodded against his forehead, bumping their noses together.
"For as long as you'll have me."
Dean felt giddy.
"Forever."
A ridiculous notion, for anyone that wasn't them. In their case, it was just a fact.
Falling asleep that night had Dean curled around his angel, an arm slung over his chest to keep him close, nuzzling into his neck, and Cas was holding onto the hand securing him, making sure he was safe and home.
Neither of them could remember ever feeling so peaceful.