A/N: Sometimes you gotta go a step back to take two steps forward!
They say this is a battle. I think that's not saying enough. This wasn't a battle that started when I got home. It wasn't a battle that started when I realized I was ok. It was a battle that started when I took this position, when I agreed to go to Iran. It's a battle I believe I inflicted on myself.
Therapy has been helping, at least that's what I tell myself. I wanted to ignore it, part of me still does, but I know I can't keep doing that. I can't keep pretending that everything is fine… so I agreed to therapy.
My first few days back I was able to throw my energy into work, it was a valid excuse and it wasn't totally a lie - my work needed me. Then real life kicked back in. There were meetings with Jason's school and interviews to prepare for. I couldn't relax, I did it to myself, but I couldn't let it go.
Every conversation felt like an outburst. I said a lot of things that I regret. I was ready to completely change the lives of everyone around me just to give myself a quick moment of relief and security. It was asking too much of others when the duty to heal lay with me. This is why I couldn't ignore it.
I wasn't ready to talk about it before. It was too fresh. I still remember every detail and I see them all the time. I still hear the initial explosion every time a door shuts. I still feel Frank pushing me down and covering me from the spray of bullets every time I lay down. I still smell the fire starting with every bit of heat that I feel.
Worst of all, I see his sons in my own children. Every time I look at them, every time I hear them, every time I think of them… I think of them seeing what Zahed's children saw. I think that's the worst of it.
Every time I look in the mirror I'm taken back there. It all comes back all together. With every heartbeat of my own that I feel, I remember the hearts that stopped that day.
With all that I've seen, it's making me crazy. Henry is getting the worst of it and I wouldn't blame him if he left. We argue more than anything now, and it's because I start these arguments. He can't understand why I'm feeling this way but I'm expecting him to understand why I'm demanding some of the actions that I am. I need him to do that. This won't work if he doesn't.
The only thing that temporarily takes my mind off it is the occasional pain from my stitches. Henry tries to help me take care of them and it's going to leave a pretty bad scar, but inflicting the pain of taking care of them on myself somehow makes me feel a little better, even if it's only for a few seconds.
I can't sleep and really that should be pain enough but I can tell I'm running on pure adrenaline and I don't know how much longer I can do that. Henry tried to make it better and tell me everything is fine but it wasn't and it's not. I knew therapy wasn't going to be instant, I just have to remind myself of that.
The panic attack was my true wake up call. My life flashed before my eyes and it was all because I wasn't dealing with exactly what I was feeling. Heated discussions are part of my job, I knew that, it was realizing that I'll leave my kids behind one day that wasn't… it was another moment where it hit me that they almost lost me… I almost wasn't there for them.
I could finally admit that there was a problem then, I thank god Henry held on until that point. I wasn't ready to talk about it then though and to be honest I'm still not now… but I need to. I need to move past this, for myself and those I love.
After some careful consideration during the few hours I agreed to take off, Henry and I decided we would announce our engagement in the next few days. Yes it looks like a cover up and it kind of is, but it's also time. We'll wait until my appearance on Face the Nation so it doesn't come up and hopefully it's a little overshadowed so we can say we put it out there without taking attention away.
It's time. It's not just time to announce our engagement so that we can move forward to the next step. It's not just time to talk about Iran so we can move past it together. It's time to get my life back.
It was almost comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Not the only one in the administration, not the only one in DC, I'm not alone in this.
I have felt alone so many times. I felt alone when everything happened and I had no way to protect those around me. I felt alone in that bunker, trying to get a word out to anyone. I felt alone at home when I thought I was fine and I could move past it. I felt alone confessing to Henry how I feel I've failed my children. I have felt so alone.
But at the end of the day… he makes sure I'm not alone.