A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews!
There were always going to be hard decisions, I wasn't going to make everyone happy, but I never expected the decisions would be this personal. Between having to agree to a drone strike with a friend as the target and trying to decide if my disagreement with that decision makes me a traitor, I'd almost like to not have to make any decisions for a while. I like control… but I have learned to like giving it up even more.
Letting my 16 year old drive wasn't exactly the let go of control that I wanted but I guess it was one that I needed. I'm still getting used to that… I feel like every time I turn around I'm reminded of how old they're getting. There's a part of me that would be totally ok with starting over, getting to experience all of the little things I didn't realize would drift away to the back of my memories so quickly.
I understand it doesn't make me a bad mom for forgetting things. There are things you make note of, memories you don't want to lose, then there are the ones you think you won't that you find you might. You forget what flavor cake they wanted for their seventh birthday, you forget who it was that they had their first sleepover with… those are the memories that seem insignificant enough to forget, but then you do.
I wish I had the choice of what memories I would forget. I would forget what my nails looked like when I signed my divorce papers and remember what they looked like the first time Ali tried to paint them herself. I would forget the first fight Jason and I had about taking the trash out and remember the first time he made his bed by himself. Those would be much easier choices than the ones I face daily.
There are a lot of memories I would exchange if I could… so many that have been formed since I took this job that I wish I could push out of my head. I understand the weight of my position but I do also have to remember that it is a job. While it is much harder to leave at the end of the day than any other job I've ever had, it is just that… a job. It's a huge part of me, but it can't be the only part of me.
I had that epiphany recently. It's changed me… or at least I'm letting it start to change me. It's making me a different partner and a different parent and those things were very much needed. Maybe therapy is working. As exhausted as I may be when I come home, I'm starting to find the energy I need in those around me again. Maybe it isn't energy… maybe it's happiness.
Happiness isn't necessarily coming from my job but all of my happiness shouldn't be tied up in my job anyway. It hasn't been long but I already see what happens when I let my job control my happiness away from it. There will be things that I can't leave at my office, I knew that… but I can also choose when I walk away from them while at home.
While I'm learning to let go of this job at times and in turn, let it let go of me, there are certain things that won't let go of me. The dinging of the elevator that I hear every morning is the same dinging that I heard just before getting off the elevator and getting another deployment to Baghdad when Ali and Jason were still little.
The burning on the side of my toes from my shoes reminds me of the sunburn I got on my first spring break trip in college. The subtle burn reminds me that not all memories that grip me so tightly hurt… some can be refreshing too.
They can be the touch of cinnamon in the wine we're sharing that remind me of the chai teas we drank on our first date. The sound of the glasses being placed back on the table can take me right back to the water glass on my nightstand that Henry knocked over the morning after our first night spent together.
As I'm constantly taken back to Baghdad, these other mini daydreams make it all worth it. They're the escapes I didn't always recognize that I needed. I'll take all of those that I can get. When you stare down a congressional subpoena on a regular basis… you'll take a few seconds of pleasure.
Sometimes I hate myself for always taking the moral high road… for thinking as ethically and strategically as possible in every situation that I'm faced with. It's now pulling Henry into things, a man I would take a bullet for. These are the choices I never wanted to face, I never wanted to make, and I don't want control of any more.
While I want peace, I want to change the world even more. We'll sleep tonight, changing the world can wait until tomorrow.