A/N: Covering more than one episode in a chapter is getting harder than I thought… might have to skip a few soon. As a bonus and repayment for your wait, I'm giving you two chapters! Enjoy!

When I look back on the days I will consider the longest of my life… this will be towards the top. I never dreamed of being in my own position, much less Conrad's and for me, power wasn't the drug that everyone says it is. Deep down, I was very happy to give back the title and power I secretly had.

I know power is a drug, but I never thought I would be dealing with real drugs. I didn't think a hair follicle test was necessary in this situation but Henry is her father and being a step-parent means supporting his parenting decisions… even when I think they cross a line.

I can't say it didn't surprise me when we found out Stevie was hanging out with Harrison Dalton. They are around the same age and dealing with the very unique situation of having someone in both a parental role and a diplomatic role… I shouldn't be surprised that they hit it off, but I didn't think they would ever become more than friends.

Maybe they aren't really more than friends… I remember being in my early 20s and the sometimes questionable things I did with often questionable people. Henry and I agree he's not a good influence for her but I'm leaving him to take action on that. If he'd like me to take lead and break that to her… well… maybe that will be a good bonding moment for us.

Something's different about Henry. I'm trying not to read too much into it. A balance of marriage I think I forgot was how to have your own life wrapped up in someone else's. I have to trust Henry that he will communicate with me when he needs me; I've been a spy before… I know that.

I have to learn to communicate when I need him too… right now I need a foot massage more than anything else. I probably need a lot more than that, but I'll start there.

I took the first step in learning this by leaning in to my predecessor. Madeline gave me better advice than anyone ever has. Sure she's been in my shoes but it was more than that… I've had a lot of career advice over the years but none that made me reshape my view of my entire career.

This job demands everything of me, it demands everything of those around me, most of all - it makes me demand the most of myself. There's a level of confidence this job requires, one that I've never known and I'm not sure many other people do. It took me this long to figure that out… but it's something I'll never forget.

As much as this job requires confidence… it requires trust even more. I knew I would have to trust in myself and I thought I had that but I greatly underestimated the amount of trust in myself that I would need. It requires trust in those around me, some of which has been temporarily broken and required lots of work to restore. It requires trust in the vision that I have and am working towards. I didn't know this much trust could even exist in this world.

I think I'm losing faith though. I've always believed that trust and faith go hand in hand… and my faith is breaking. I don't think it's shattered, I think it can be repaired, but I'm losing my faith in Conrad and it pains me to admit that. I've lost and regained faith in a lot of things… this one stings a little more than most.

As much as faith is a two way street, sometimes I understand I have to be the beacon of it, even when I'm not getting it in return. There's a lot of things I've learned I'll give to this job that I won't get back. Sometimes it's little things… like a couple of sleepless nights, other times it's more important… like a trip to Russia when your child is waiting and depending on you.

I have faith in my children, I have faith in my step-daughter, it's other people and other things that I struggle with. I want Jason to do something he loves but football scared me more than it does him. I've got to learn to let him make his own decisions, maybe this is a good place to start.

There are a lot of things that I'm afraid to let go of… and I've discovered that this job is one of them. I love it. Every single moment of it. The idea that something could change my opinion of it, something that is a result of someone else's actions, is hard for me to accept… but it's a reality now.

I realize it likely won't be up to me when this job ends. Whether it be through reelection or otherwise, I'm accepting there are things I have to let go of… and thinking I'm in control of this job is one.