A/N: As a migraine sufferer… I think I got a migraine imagining being Elizabeth and just having one migraine. I also thought I would be able to have a little bit more information on Havana Syndrome but that was locked down so enjoy me, someone who is not a medical professional, attempt to talk about the diagnostic test that would go into diagnosing something I don't even understand!
- Henry's Point of View
My mind does a lot of worrying these days. It worries about Dmitri, it worries about Elizabeth, it worries about Stevie, it worries about Ali and Jason. I'm not sure there's a single thing I don't worry about. I've even started worrying about how much I'm worrying. Even Gunsmoke can't take my mind off of it and it is even less effective at getting me to sleep.
When she first began showing symptoms on the flight home, we brushed it off. We did split a bottle of champagne the night before and didn't get much sleep so a hangover seemed possible. We knew our last night in Cuba would likely go uninterrupted and we took advantage of that.
Weekday sex is good, weekend is even better, but vacation sex is the best sex. The champagne was ok, if it was up to me we would have drank rum all night but she wanted to switch to champagne to celebrate her accomplishments and I could never say no to that.
She gets the worst hangovers on champagne, she usually just stops at one glass but we each had easily three our last night in Cuba. That's what made it initially look like a hangover and not anything more. She made sure she stayed hydrated, slept a good portion of the flight home, but she still felt just as bad when we got home.
We tried every hangover cure in the book over the next few days but nothing actually worked. Blake was the first to notice that she had felt terrible for days. He was the one who first told her she should probably visit a doctor of some sorts to help… I think she was finally beat down enough that she took his advice pretty immediately.
Initially it was diagnosed as severe dehydration but IV fluids didn't help anything. They did blood work and various monitoring but everything came back normal leaving one viable option - Havana Syndrome.
The diagnosis isn't the scary thing for me, it's the fact that someone was able to do this to her, get close enough in some way to damage her body and result in this. Then there's the uncertainty. Will she feel good today? Will today be rough? What will tomorrow look like? What will all of our tomorrows look like? It's the uncertainty that keeps me up the most at night.
It's still odd to me that worrying about Dmitri is the easiest of my worries. Just like I can't give up on Elizabeth, I can't give up on Dmitri. I know he knows the mission, I know he's committed to it, and I can't let myself believe that it's anything else. I don't care if it makes me a fool, I believe in this kid.
He says he's out but I don't necessarily believe him. I understand cold feet in this situation very well, I understand it in most situations very well. With the realization of danger comes the overtaking of fear, it's human to want to protect yourself and keep yourself out of danger.
I still find it amazing how a feeling, described by a four letter word, can cause you to throw all of that natural fight or flight response out of the window. If I had to take a bullet for a Elizabeth, I absolutely would. Hell, I'd probably thank her for letting me take a bullet for her when it was all said and done. I wish I could take her Havana Syndrome away like I'd take every bullet in the world for her.
I'm also amazed by the fact that love of a country can make you do the same thing. I've been in that same moment and minder. Dmitri's is a little different. I know a lot of the motivation and his love is for Talia, but I forever will be in envy of him being willing to put himself in danger for a country that hasn't always done that for him.
Something about this situation with Dmitri makes my mind want to begin counting down the days to a date for a ceremony that we don't even have nailed down yet. We have ideas… but nothing set in stone. We want something small, close friends and family only, something more laid back, and something very personal.
In all honesty, I'd do whatever she wanted to do. Selfishly… I hope she wants the small, beachside ceremony that we talked about on our fifth date. She said that's what she wanted instead of the big, formal wedding that she and Max had.
I think part of the beauty of the sea is the way other people view it. I think Euripides said it best… "The sea washes away all ills of Men." I think I'm going to need the washing away if anything happens to Dmitri or Elizabeth over the next few weeks.
So now I'll sit and wait for both of their calls. I'll reflect on the things I could have done better to support and protect each of them. And finally, I'll dream of all of my worries being washed away.