A/N: I have too much of this fic written not to be posting more frequently. Enjoy and thank you for the reviews!
I knew what I was doing, I knew what I was agreeing to, I knew the consequences personally, but I still said it was necessary. I knew people were going to get hurt. I knew Henry would get hurt. I knew I was inflicting the pain. But I also knew exactly what I was doing.
I felt like I was stuck in this awkward middle ground debating what his reaction would be. I'll never blame him for his anger, I'll never blame him for storming out. He was right, I should have done more to convince Conrad but I didn't.
In the time between him leaving and the first time hearing his voice after the explosion, I thought we were done. I really didn't think he could find it in himself to forgive me and if the shoe was on the other foot, I don't know if I could forgive him.
The silence that overwhelms me reminds me of the things I could have done. I hope spending the rest of my life with Henry doesn't get added to that list. I want to pick up the phone, find out where he is, and go be with him in hopes of working all of this out… but I can't. I know I can't. I have to learn how to navigate this now.
For the time being, I'll tell myself the nausea that I'm feeling is from my nerves and not a likely permanent reminder of how quickly this job can change everything I knew. I'll tell myself my headache is from the actual blast. The sleep that I'll continue to fight is needed, but I'll tell myself otherwise.
I'm trying to find comfort in my own bed but comfort is hard to find when your world is crumbling around you as the real world potentially crumbles around everything else. I wanted to call Henry, I wanted his arms around me, but I had to settle for another comfort.
Max always told me it was funny that my emotional comfort food was vegetable soup and grilled cheese, but something about it feels like a giant bear hug that I so desperately need. Somehow he always knows what to say. I called him to tell him about Ali's school and see when he was free… but it turned into him reading and partially consoling my problems.
"Elizabeth, you can't please everyone. All you have to do is make the best decision you can and get through the day. Take this one minute at a time."
He didn't often understand what my career meant to me, how it wore on me, but he always knew what to say. I can look back on our relationship and wished it worked for my entire life but our love shifted from that of lovers to friends. It still remains incredibly important to me. It always will.
I took today minute by minute… until the minutes seemed to stop. Finding out about Dmitri's passing made time stop. I saw a young man's life flash before my eyes, I had a hand in it ending, and a hand in the absolute heartbreak coming to the one I love. I did this… but eventually I have to work through this moment.
Sometimes I wish my racing heart would finally stop, even if it was just to get a moment of rest. For every one person I save, I feel like it costs the lives of two more. Maybe if my heart did stop, I could have a valid reason to step away from all of this… but I can't do that. I didn't come this far to just come this far.
I know the head is heavy that wears the crown… but the weight is shifting on to people who should have never bore this weight, and it crashes down on the wrong people… like these fake, old milk bottles fall around us too.
The jewels that adorn this crown aren't desirable, but they're the ones that I wear. They're sharp, they scratch, and they hurt. I just hope they haven't caused too much damage.