A/N: Thank you all for all your wonderful reviews! It's refreshing to have a story that I can't wait to post!
This is supposed to get easier. I'm sure if it wasn't for the outside circumstances that I'm dealing with, it would be. I'm already a member of an extremely small group of people but to be in that group and suffering from the effects of a likely microwave attack and having a partner who is a spy with a subject caught up in the middle of the peace deal you just negotiated with Russia makes me one of one.
The good thing about my never ending work is that it distracts me from how lonely it is. I don't mean the loneliness that comes with constantly traveling without Henry or my kids but the loneliness that comes with the reality that no one in the world has ever and will likely never be in my position.
Henry is amazing but we've learned our lesson about sharing our days. He handles everything that's thrown on his plate, even the items that are meant for mine. I'm so thankful for him. I just wish I could take a couple of things off his plate and maybe he could take a yoga class for me or something.
Maybe a yoga class would help me… at this point I'll consider anything to alleviate these symptoms. I wish I could say I'll never have to experience some of these things again but there's always a chance I could nearly throw up on a call with the president in a prison in Myanmar.
Prescription strength Tylenol helps the headaches… for now. They've gotten progressively worse, I'm not sure how much longer my temporary solution will work. It helps me get some sleep, for now… and I wish that could remain the worst of my personal worries.
Every personal struggle I'm facing seems like it's a never ending, long term struggle. If we cannot reach a solution with the neighbors… the solution will be moving for the second time in less than a year. I don't even want to think about the long term conflicts of Henry's connection to Dmitri or Alison's school issues. Everything is big picture and long term, where are the little problems that require obvious solutions?
Being in Myanmar probably could have convinced me to give meditation a try but even the thought of meditation gives me a headache. I know my headache is incredibly insignificant compared to the issues many others around the world face, but I'm starting to think it's affecting my ability to make the world better for them.
In some ways, it's refreshing to hear about other people's problems. Nadine told me all about her son on our way back and it was nice to focus on someone else who I didn't have to save for just a minute. It was a situation that I finally didn't have to take the blame for and it felt like a few moments of heaven.
My moments of heaven were extended when I got home. Even with all the problems we're working through, Henry still gives me the best massages. No tight muscle was left untouched. Even better, no piece of me was left without a kiss. If this is what my homecomings will always be… maybe I'll get used to traveling.
One thing I will never get used to, and thankfully will never have to go through again, is getting the call that Henry's father has died. You never get used to a call like that, somehow you never see it coming either. There's no way to prepare or support someone when it comes.
We immediately went to Pittsburgh and to say the least, I wasn't prepared for what would happen while we were there. I remember meeting Max's sister for the first time… it wasn't great but it wasn't this bad. Henry once told me he felt like an outcast with his siblings at times and now I get why.
Maureen isn't exactly the easiest person to get along with and it seemed like there was nothing I could do that was good enough or even ok with her. It doesn't change my love for her brother, but it helps me understand why he wants to elope with just the two of us.
I don't necessarily believe in unconditional love but I'm happy to sacrifice every part of myself to comfort him and his family. He does the same for me… especially taking verbal attacks from Jason.
Maybe it's the stress of this, maybe something in Pittsburgh is different, but it's made my Havana syndrome much worse. I have no appetite at all and what I can manage to eat I can't keep down. My headaches are worse too and while I'm trying to put on a brave face, all I want to do is sleep.
This weekend made me appreciate Stevie so much more than I ever could have imagined. She obviously knows Maureen better than I do and she steps up at just the right time. I'm learning more from her actions than anything Henry could have ever told me. I know she's never felt like as much of an outsider as her father and I are feeling, but she somehow gets it anyway.
I try my best to forgive a lot of Maureen's actions, knowing I won't get a real apology, even when she knows she's wrong. While I won't get an apology, Henry deserves one. Maureen didn't understand the relationship between Henry and his father, really I don't either, but throwing her resentment towards Henry in his face isn't ok.
I can accept that I'll never get an apology, I can also accept that I'll never give her one either. I don't have a reason to apologize but I also won't give her a reason to deserve one.
Maureen said something to Henry as they said goodbye and somehow, it had connected in my mind much faster than his.
"We all know it's not Havana Syndrome… we're all adults."
He asked me what I thought she meant by it, I initially said I didn't know because it took a few seconds to click. Now I sit here, alone in my bathroom with my family downstairs, waiting for a piece of plastic to take two minutes to tell me if she was right.