A/N: I debated a lot about what direction I wanted this to take… I hope you like it!

No matter if a plus sign appears on this or not, I have to go downstairs and act like nothing's wrong. Like nothing has changed, and the world is crumbling but it's absolutely fine!

I think I'm overreacting a bit, I mean sure it's possible but it doesn't seem possible. Anything is possible… but just because it is possible doesn't mean it will happen, right? Lightning strikes all the time, that doesn't mean you'll be struck by lightning.

17 seconds left. The longest 17 seconds of my life. When we were trying for Ali and Jason, it seemed like these two minutes flew by. Maybe because back then, I just had this moment when I knew and I felt it inside way before I could even take a test. I really don't know what this one is going to say. Maybe that's why it's taking so long.

I refuse to look at it. I know staring at it is only going to make time go by slower. I'll over analyze every bit of ink and form an idea in my head if it says possibly positive or possibly negative before it's actually ready. I'll wait for my phone to go off, even if I feel like I'm drowning waiting for it to.

There's that stupid little timer sound. I've got to pick a new sound next time. I take another deep breath as I turn it over. The only way I could avoid looking at it was to make it so I couldn't look at it… so I turned it over immediately and left it there for those two, very long minutes.

I only needed to look at it once. I wasn't sure how to react so I just flipped it back over and lightly tossed it on the counter. It only took a few seconds for me to see and process that bright blue plus sign. I'll have to truly digest this later, it's probably not going anywhere for the next eight or nine months.

Even though I need to start leaving the house, I'll welcome the distraction from Blake, even if it's about weapons grade uranium. I might have laid it on a little too thick because Henry could immediately tell that something was wrong, and that it had very little to do with missiles and chemical warfare. Again I remind myself, what's just completely shattered my world, can wait.

I've always enjoyed my work but I think I'm going to enjoy it as a distraction today. The world crashing down around me gives me something I can kind of control… My personal situation seems very out of control.

Then I'm reminded that I'm not even in control of how things fall apart around me. My hands feel tied, even on the things I'm in control of, and if I can't even attend the event I'm hosting to save face, then so be it. I'll have to accept the lack of control eventually.

I can't forget about Ali's parent teacher conference this morning. At least attending that is something I can partially control. Maybe I should tell Henry after that. Part of me thinks that the sooner I tell him, the better I'll feel. The other part reminds me I have plenty of time to do that and it's ok if I want to control my emotions before I do that.

I really don't know how I feel about it. I feel bad saying 'it' but somehow that's what I naturally go to. There's a part of me that's overjoyed… we had talked at length about how amazing children of our own would be but there's another part of me that didn't want that… that doesn't want this, especially now.

I remember being pregnant, I remember giving birth, I remember the newborn stage, I remember all of the bad things… and I don't know if I can go through them again. I already have sleepless nights, I'm not sure if I can function on any less sleep. I already have aches and pains, I don't want any more.

Then I remember the beautiful times. Seeing each of my children for the first time, holding them for the first time, seeing their first smiles and hearing their first laughs. I constantly think about what I would do to relive those days and now that the opportunity has presented itself, I'm petrified to take it.

Of course I can control things… until I can't. Another missed conference, another late night, do I want to be doing this in my 60s? At least I won't be the United States leading diplomat then… well, I better not be. I often forget that I can control where this road ends for me, but I know I can't control how I would feel if I left it at the wrong time. Just another little reminder that life is all about timing.

When I finally got home, I couldn't wait for the glass of wine that Henry would no doubt pour me… then I remembered. At least Alison's school issues can provide a decent distraction from the wine and from telling him why I'm not drinking the wine.

I'll always welcome a distraction but Jay didn't realize his surprise visit soothed me more than it ever did him. Seeing Chloe melted me into a puddle, seeing Henry with her eased all of the fears I had.

This might be the most beautiful strike of lightning I've ever seen.