A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! I am so glad you all are enjoying this too!
It was so much easier when the problems and the danger was far away… now it's here. The danger was knocking at my door and I didn't even hear it, so it came inside and made itself at home.
Healing from this will be hard. I can only imagine what the kids have seen based on just a few words that Jason said to me. I want nothing more than to be there and ease every troubling thought for them, but I can't… I'm not choosing my job over them, my job chose me and my personal feelings didn't get considered in that decision.
All of this makes every other personal problem seem so insignificant. I don't care about the neighbors or what Ali may or may not have posted on social media… I would kill to go back to those. Hearing the news about Henry and all the lack of updates since might be the hardest thing I've ever been through.
I don't know what I'll do if this kills Henry. I'm not sugarcoating it for myself, I'm telling myself he'll be fine but I have to accept that he may not. I can't let him go without telling him. We're supposed to do this together. We didn't think this would ever happen… he has to live to see it.
I feel like I could throw up and cry and pass out all at the same time. I'm trying so hard to concentrate on what's going on in front of me but my mind is racing out of the room. It's racing to Henry and the kids, it's racing to the news I have to tell, and it's racing to all the things I've missed that I would trade all of this to have back.
Hindsight is 20/20 but I should have told him last night. I should have looked into the uranium purchase more. I should have left when Conrad said it was ok. I should have done so many things differently.
I can't go back now, I simply have to keep moving forward. I can reflect on all of this later, but for now I have to try to focus on my time in the bunker. Eventually all of this will be over, it will be fine, but I have to make it through this first.
Every update took my focus off of the issues in the bunker and on to Henry and the kids. Words cannot describe how relieved I was to hear that the kids were ok.
I don't know how I'm supposed to function with everything going on. I'm quite literally the only person in the world who has ever been in this position. I'm the only person who's ever investigated the source of the uranium that was used in an attack on a US institution at an event that my own family was attending. I don't know how a person is supposed to function in this situation… but I will have to be the first to figure that out.
Slowly piecing together how this happened gives me an odd feeling of comfort. Hearing Henry's voice overwhelmed me with it. It was comfort and heartbreak at the same time. I want to be there… I need to be there. More than that, I need to tell him.
I almost told him on the phone but that's not how I wanted him to find out. I refuse to tell him over the phone, I refuse to tell him out of desperation and burning desire to get this off my chest. I don't know how or when I'll do it, but I can't contain it any longer.
When the president finally lifted my shelter in place order, I immediately went to see Henry. I couldn't keep it in any longer, I had to tell someone and there are few people I trust more than Blake.
Telling him wasn't just to tell someone and be able to breathe about it for maybe five minutes… I needed his help. I knew I wouldn't do it myself because it would be constantly pushed to the bottom of my to do list and getting five minutes to myself to do it might be hard over the next few days.
"Hey Blake, I need you to do me a huge favor."
The conversation replays in my head constantly.
"Anything, ma'am."
I could tell he was nervous but hiding it very well.
"I'm going to tell you something and I need it to be kept between just us." I had to pause and take a deep breath myself. It hit me then that this would be the first time I said this out loud. "I took a pregnancy test a few days ago and it was positive. I'll give you the name of my doctor in Charlottesville, can you get a recommendation from her for someone in DC and make an appointment in the next few days?"
He was just as stunned as I was when I saw that blue plus sign myself.
"Absolutely, ma'am." The car came to a stop and he rushed to finish his sentence. "And congratulations."
"Thanks, Blake!" I was rushing out of the car to see Henry and the kids but it wasn't lost on me what he said.
Rushing through the hospital to find Henry and the kids had my heart racing. Everything about me was moving a million miles a minute.
I let him sleep, I was reminded of the quote from Napoleon… 'let him sleep, for when he wakes he will move mountains.'
I found the kids in the chapel and provided the comfort they had so desperately needed. The next few months would be hard, the next few years would be hard. I didn't know how I was going to tell them either and I guess it was something that hadn't crossed my mind yet.
I thought the weight on my chest was from not telling Henry about the baby. The baby. This is real. Hearing that Henry was ok made that weight disappear. It wasn't about telling him, I had no reason to be nervous about telling him, it was the reality that I need him now more than I've ever needed someone and I was faced with the fact that I could lose him… that this life we live is so fragile.
Like meeting him and falling in love with him, I don't know when I'll tell him about the baby… but when I know, I'll know.
Between Blake's congratulations, the sweet moments I shared with my children - biological and step, and knowing Henry is ok… maybe this won't shatter the world… maybe it will be the perfect addition to it.