There was a moment of silence that followed my declaration. They all looked at me with shock and worry. The most concerning part of it was… that I didn't care a single bit how or what they thought of me. I could only feel a burning hatred for Hel and the overwhelming desire to watch as she died a slow and agonizing death. I wanted her to feel the pain of every soul that was trapped here for eternity while desperately clinging to her last breath. Did she even breathe? It didn't matter to me in the end. I only wanted her to suffer.
"Kiran, you are making me worry about you." Al said with concern.
"You always worry. I'll be fine." I grumbled
"I meant that you are making me more worried about you than normal."
"I don't see why. We share a goal of beating Hel out existence don't we? Doesn't any of this bother you at all?" I motioned to the memorials.
"Of course it does! It means there is at least one version of our world that died out because of Hel! There are likely many others like this one that lost the fight too. We share a goal, but I do not find pleasure at the thought of killing others. Not even Hel."
"Kiran, you are not acting like yourself. I've seen you forgive Veronica and the Muspellian princesses… we have all seen you let Eír join our ranks despite knowing the risks involved. I've never seen you react so… violently?" Anna added.
"There's a big difference between allowing Eir into the Order and Hel's crimes against the worlds at large. At least Veronica and Laevatein are human beings that are still capable of feeling. Hel is more like a thing than a person. She is a goddess with no compassion, no empathy… nothing. I understand that the cycle of life and death is important, but she is stepping beyond her realm to gain more power. Hel will see no mercy from me."
"That's not all true… I remember a time when Mother held me in her arms and smiled at me. I…" Eir was struggling to remember it. It seemed to be a distant memory at best.
"Eir… I know that she is your Mother, but I don't think… that she has your best interests at heart. No mother should ever raise a weapon against her own children. When this is all over, you will be welcome to stay in the Order if you wish."
"I know this is very unsettling…I'm in the same boat. I want to defeat Hel as much as anyone else here. We just want you to be careful. If not for your own sake than for my brother's. You're giving him a near heart attack from all the worrying he's doing."
"Both of you are going to be the actual death of me one day" Al groaned.
"I hope not. I put a lot of effort into keeping you alive, ya know." I half joked.
"Yes, I am well aware of that Kiran. W-when Hel cursed me… you took care of me. You've even protected me in your own ways ever since then. I can only hope to repay you by making sure you stay safe."
"Well… I mean… even though we were already best friends, at that point I already had the biggest crush on you. So, when Hel placed that curse on you… I was very upset. I thought… that you were going to die and I felt like my heart was being torn right out of my chest. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but it's true."
"O-oh I see… then in hindsight… I was a fool for not noticing it then. Thinking back on it now… it was actually pretty obvious. Especially when… well you know…" Al shifted his gaze away from me in embarrassment.
"Ooooh! Are you referring to that one time before we fought Hel?"
"K-kiran! Don't say it like that! You're going to give everyone the wrong idea!"
"WHAT?!?" Sharena and Anna screeched. Eír just looked at us questioningly.
"You said it yourself that night that you didn't care if other people took it the wrong way. It's not like we had sex or anything." I shrugged.
"Kiran… please…" he begged
"YOU DID WHAT?" Anna and Sharena said in unison. Sharena shot a death glare at her brother while Anna looked at him creepily with a big grin on her face.
"Geez you're all making it sound like it was a bigger deal than it really was" I grumbled.
"Then what did you do with our crown prince? I need details you know… I do love me a good story ya know?" Anna asked excitedly.
"Yeah… for blackmail." Al said dejectedly.
"Guilty as charged."
"We only had a pillow fight and then we collapsed on the bed next to each other. Al was supposed to sleep on the bed while I slept in the armchair, but he insisted that he would sleep on the chair instead. We argued over who would get the bed, but other than the pillow fight nothing else happened. It wasn't like I was going to say 'Hey, I know that you could be dying tomorrow, but I'm really into you. Wanna bang?' That would've been awkward."
"Y-yes. That would've been a bit… forward of you. More so than usual."
"I hope you both realize that it is highly inappropriate to be sleeping in the same bed together, right? It's no wonder there were rumors floating around. At first I thought it was just a misunderstanding and it was work related but now..." Sharena grumbled.
"Rumors?" Al asked.
"The maids saw you leaving Kiran's room the morning after. After that, Kiran was spotted entering your room late at night and then she left early in the morning. They were saying that you two were… you know…"
"Again. We were just having a conversation about the King's passing but I was starting to feel unwell so I had to stay. Nothing happened then either. Those maids can talk all they want. It's all just rumors anyways."
"I'm just saying you need to be more careful with this sort of thing. I know that you grew up differently, but it's still very much frowned upon in Askr to sleep around like that." Sharena warned.
"I didn't think you would be the kind of person who would care about that sort of thing Sharena, but I get it. It's still sort of frowned upon in my world too, but it's usually the religious types who put stock into virginity. It is not uncommon for people in my world to move in together and to have physical intimacy before marriage. Birth control and safe practises have a lot to do with it. Basically, if you take the right precautions where I'm from, your chances of having children before you are ready or catching a disease are significantly reduced. Of course, unless there's a magical equivalent of that… Askr probably doesn't have that sort of thing"
"I don't believe anything like that exists in Zenith yet. However, it makes sense that you would be a bit more relaxed about erm… well you know." Al gulped nervously
"What? You mean sex? It's just a natural part of life just as much as dying is. It's not something to get your princely panties up in a bunch over." I joked.
"This is all fine and dandy, but I think that I have learned more than I wanted to about your relationship with Alfonse. Can we just… go back to finding Líf please? He did just seriously wound Sharena earlier. We cannot let him continue hurting people like that!"
"Er… yeah… that's right. I'm still actually pretty pissed off about that. Let's continue following the trail and hope that we don't see more memorials." I grumbled
"Agreed. While I appreciated the distraction, as embarrassing as it was, we must continue forward. I do not wish to see the memorials of my loved ones. Losing Father is already too much for me to fathom right now. I still have a hard time believing that he's gone but… I also know that I must move on." Alfonse responded grimly.
"Al, I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to lose my father. It must be tough fighting through all of this without getting the chance to grieve properly.. If you ever just need to talk it out, I'll listen. You are still human, after all."
What I said was true. I really wanted to take the burden off of his shoulders and his heart. Unfortunately, I was very well aware of the cruel irony in all of this. I was essentially his father's murderer. It didn't matter that Hel was the one who actually landed the killing blow, but the fact that I planned the whole damn thing. It didn't matter that Gustav asked me to do it to save Al, it was still wrong. Everything about this was all wrong.
"Thanks, Kiran. I could say the same to you, however. I know how Father's death weighs on you heavily. I just wanted to let you know that it was never your fault. None of us saw it coming."
"No… that's… it has always been my fault. I am glad that you wish to comfort me despite your own loss. I just… I still need time. I know that it was rather selfish of me to offer you a shoulder to cry on when my own emotional wounds are still fresh, but… it's all I can do to lessen the burden you carry." I sighed.
"I would hardly call that fair. You shoulder too many burdens all at once and I fear that one day, you'll collapse under the weight of it all. I will always gladly accept your company but you must be willing to accept my help and cry on my shoulder when you need to. You need to take your own advice for a change. You are just as human as I am, after all."
"Well I suppose I may take you up on that offer soon-ish. It's been a while since I've been able to vent properly."
"That reminds me… we haven't done any sparring lately. That will have to be something we will have to go back to doing once the war is over. Your footwork still needs fine tuning and your swings are still sloppy and sluggish. Er… that is to say… it could help you blow off steam in a constructive manner"
"Ugh… don't even remind me. This has already been the second time you commented on my swordsmanship. Well… technically, the other you told me off first, and then you did. I know it's not great but I had hoped I would be at least somewhat serviceable with my throwing dagger." I grumbled.
We walked and talked while looking for Líf, but Líf was nowhere to be found. We searched for the rest of the day before calling it quits. We set up camp in a forest and ate more of the dried up nasty ass rations that we had packed up before coming into Helheim. I found myself not sleeping next to Al this time. I just didn't feel like dealing with Sharena suddenly going off on me for being too inappropriate with him and the conversation I had with Al earlier about his father brought up memories that I've been repressing since Gustav died.
I didn't want to fall asleep due to the constant nightmares that have haunted me since I've entered Helheim. Nearly every night I find myself reliving the last moments of Gunthra and Gustav. The nightmares were not very clear or vivid but it was enough to make me want to avoid sleeping altogether at times. At first they only happened occasionally, but after entering Hel they had become much more frequent.
I struggled to stay awake but eventually, I succumbed to the torture that awaited me in slumber. I had begun to wish I had chosen to sleep next to Al again, if only because cuddling with him gave me less nightmares. I tossed and I turned on the ground I was sleeping on but no relief came to me. A few hours into my fitful sleep, I heard the sound of footsteps. I woke up and rubbed my eyes in to get rid of the gunk encrusted on my eyelids. I grabbed my dagger and followed the trail.
In hindsight, it would've been smarter to wake up the rest of the group, but my sleep deprived brain was unable to plan that far ahead. I was only awake enough to remember to bring my dagger. I didn't even bring Breidablik with me. I walked for what seemed like half an eternity before I finally found where the sounds were coming from.
"Summoner… why are you here?" Líf grumbled.
"You woke me up. Don't you know that it's rude to wake a lady up when she is trying to get some beauty sleep?" I grouched.
Líf's eyes narrowed down at me as if he were trying to intimidate me but then softened. I noticed that his eyes were exactly the same as Al's. Not in color, but in expression. His eyes were more of a dull lifeless rusty red color compared to Al's bright blue eyes. Al's eyes were more… I don't know how to say it without sounding like a novice poet. To be fair, Líf was actually dead but even then, there was something that still screamed "Alfonse" to me. I felt as though… It was all my fault. It was such an odd feeling because as far as I was aware, I didn't do anything to Líf that would make me feel this way.
"It was very unwise of you to come here alone, Summoner. Or do you wish to end it here and now? I will gladly watch the life fade away from your body if you give yourself up willingly"
"I'm afraid I can't do that. It really is a shame though... This forest was so lively and colorful when I last visited it. I think… that we had one of the Halloween festivals here. I'm guessing… that this realm hasn't been kind to you either."
"And I will do whatever it takes to get it all back. To take back what was stolen from me… I must take it away from him. All of it."
"Even me? Is that what you really want? Killing me is not going to bring this place back to life. It's not going to solve the pain and the guilt, Líf."
"That is where you are wrong, Summoner. In order to bring a dead world back to life, I must sacrifice this one. You just wouldn't understand." Líf said almost rather defensively.
"You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand how this solves anything. Let's just say for a moment you succeed in killing me and everyone in my Askr. Let's also say that in this scenario you succeed in bringing everyone in your own Askr back. It doesn't change a damn thing. Al will become like you are now and my Askr will end up just like this one."
"I don't care. That will be his problem and not mine. Even if everyone were to hate me when I succeed, I will finally pass on knowing that my work is done."
"That's insane! The only thing you are doing is helping Hel create a cycle of torment that is unending! You do realize that Hel will end up reinvading Askr and killing everyone again afterwards, right?"
"That was not part of the agreement." He grumbled.
"Líf… please… you don't have to do this! It's not what she would have wanted!" I pleaded.
"The only one who can speak for my beloved, is herself. You may look like her, talk like her, and act like her… but you are just a mirror image of the woman that used to hold me. Just looking at you is another reminder of all of my failures."
I frowned. I did not approve of his plans at all. How could I, when it meant trading my life for another version of myself? How could I, when it meant all of my friends in the Order and all that I have worked for would've been in vain? Yet… I couldn't help but feel a bit selfish for not allowing him to kill me. Líf and the other me didn't deserve to have their lives taken in the manner it was taken. Even so… it was not my place to try to play god. On the battlefield, I can control the ebb and flow of the battle but not even I get to decide who lives and who dies. All I can do is lessen the losses.
"Don't look at me in that way, Summoner. I don't want your pity. I don't even want to see your face."
"Líf… you may not think of me as the same person as your summoner but I… I still see the man I fell in love with. You may not be the one I fell for in my world, but you are still like him to me. It saddens me that we must continue fighting as enemies. It is disheartening to me that you are walking a dark path."
"You are just as foolish, naive, and stubborn as she was too. It's too late for me to stop. I don't want to stop and I won't until Askr is restored to its rightful state."
"Then… I have no words left for you. I choose to stand my ground no matter what. I will not die today. Not by your hands, nor by Hel's scythe. Maybe it is selfish of me but I… I cannot leave everyone else to die unceremoniously. I am still asking you to not follow through with this but since you are serious about doing this, then I will not go easy on you when next we meet." I then turned around to take my leave.
"You aren't going anywhere, Summoner. If you will not voluntarily give up your life to me… I will take it for myself!" His eyes glowed a bright fluorescent red and in a flash, he drew his sword and rushed in towards me.
Fueled by pure instinct, I quickly drew out my silver dagger and parried his first attack. I then tried to make a run for it, using the forest trees as cover. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, knowing that eventually, I will fall to Lífs blade if I don't do something. All I could think of was running as fast as I could towards the camp and alerting everyone to Líf's presence and his general interest in well… murdering me in cold blood. I thanked myself for sticking to Frederick's insane training regiment that he made me do on the daily. At the very least, it's made me fast enough to avoid getting my head chopped off by an edgy version of my boyfriend. I just prayed to Askr that I could find Al on time.
A/N:
I know it has been awhile, but I have come bearing a gift. Anyway, in all seriosness, Ive been struggling with writing lately. Ive been writing chapter 20 for like the past month and a half and Im still stuck on some things. It's really frustrating since I dont get a whole lot of time between work, getting my ass handed to me on chapter 4 on the Cindered Shadows dlc for Three Houses, and Animal crossing. Im also an essential worker so... I dont have as much free time as other people during the pandemic. At least I can still get paid with a temporary 2 dollar pay raise.
Sorry, thats probably just excuses. This fic has been my pet project for about three years so It would be a shame if I didnt push through ya know? I will continue writing as I am able too. Im seriously resisting the temptation to start a new fic or two but that would not be a good idea. Plot bunnies are going to be the death of me. Im going to set those aside for a later date though. Im talking a side series to this one where Dead!Kiran gets revived and sent to Garreg Mach as sort of a trial to revive the Dead!Askr. Just today I came up with an idea for a FE3H and Ace Attorney crossover with Byleth being a defense attorney, Rhea the judge, and Seteth the main prosecutor. There are more details involved with both ideas but if I explain further, this A/N will end up as a huge two essay. The point is that the plots for both are probably a lot better than how I'm describing them right now.
Anyway, Im hoping that I will get past this block soon because last thing I want is to abandon this project for other projects... because if I know myself well enough... well those other projects will probably end up getting dropped too. Sometimes, it is important to push through your slumps to finish something ya know? At least, so long it is within reason anyways! I know that one of my pet peeves is when the author of a fic I like is like "I have writer's block :(" and then the fic proceeds to never see the light of day again. I have my goals for this fic in mind still, so I'm looking forward to writing that arc when the Helheim arc is done.
Also... poor Al. Press F to pay respects.