The moon was up, when Fuyu and I made it back to his home. We were engaged in our usual back-and-forth, until we spotted a new and foreign pair of shoes in the entryway, and Fuyu immediately shut up.

Aunt Kuro was at the kitchen table, smoking her kiseru, and sitting diagonally across from her at it was Uchiha Fugaku, the clan head, and chief of police. Fuyu's boss.

"Fugaku-sama," said Fuyu, breathless and bowing lower than I would have.

"Tono," came out of my mouth, and Fuyu stood on my foot as I was bowing. And that's the story of why I insist on close-toed boots.

The face Fugaku made wasn't upset, though. It wasn't much of anything, as usual, but there was a twitch in his cheek muscle. Got 'im. I clamped down on an irresponsibly large grin.

"Fuyu-chan, Haruka-chan," Kuro welcomed us with a serene smile of her own. "Did you have fun? Come in, sit down."

Fuyu did as she asked furtively, moving a cat to take a chair. I slid into the nook again, budging up a few cats myself.

"I suppose that means it's time to take my leave," said Fugaku, with a nod. I cleared my throat, before he could finish standing up.

"Actually, Fugaku-sama, before you go," I said, and felt the full attention of everyone at the table and a couple dozen cats upon me. "...It's good timing, actually, I had a small request to make."

Fugaku raised a single eyebrow. Kuro looked like someone was dangling a bit of feather on a string for her, same as the cats. "How small?" asked Fugaku.

"I'd like to request access to a section of the Uchiha clan library while I'm staying here," I said. Kuro's eyes widened. You could have heard a pin drop.

"...Which section," asked Fugaku, the air like a knife's edge. It wasn't quite killing intent, but just plain intent could be focussed like a blade. I should know; it was a technique in my arsenal too.

"Anything pertaining to higher meditation techniques," I said.

Fugaku blinked, and the tense feeling in the air dissipated. Whatever he'd been expecting me to ask for, it hadn't been that.

"I am completely restricted from any use of chakra indefinitely," I said, taking his nonplussed silence as indication that I should continue. "However the medics diagnosed an excess of unintegrated spiritual energy, so I am looking for… uses to put it to, I suppose. I understand if the Uchiha collection doesn't have much on the subject, but at this point I'm looking into everything."

Something minute passed through his expression- pity, maybe, or a revelation. "You may not find what you're looking for in our collection," he said. "But I...suppose, I see no reason not to grant you access, limited to what we do have under that subject, of course."

Aunt Kuro gave me a look that was limitedly readable, and calculating. "...You're determined to find some way back into service, aren't you," was what she said, though, and it was a bit kinder than I had expected. I lifted my chin.

"It is my dearest hope to be able to continue working," I said, trying to inject my words with the Will of Fire. "I'm not quitting unless they make me." And probably not even then, even if I had to join the Fire Temple as a monk.

"That is admirable," said Fugaku, and I swear Fuyu almost choked. "Come by the precinct on Monday, to fill out the paperwork necessary to your request. But I really must take my leave. Kuro-sama." He bowed to her as he stood.

"Fugaku-chama," she said, and that muscle in his cheek twitched again. "Good talk. Don't be a stranger."

Fuyu waited until he heard the click of the front door before he lunged, grabbing me by both of my cheeks. The sudden attack unbalanced me, and we both went over the edge of my chair in a heap, him pinning me by the face.

"That's my boss, Haruka!" he was saying, but I couldn't catch my breath for laughing. "My boss, and my clan head! And you just- Tono? Tono?! What is wrong with you?"

"She called him -chama!" I protested, pointing at Aunt Kuro, who had to look away, covering her mouth with her sleeve.

"She gets to, Haruka! She's his clan elder! You're not either of those things!" I twisted out of his grip finally, the layers I wore making it easier to worm away even without the help of chakra. "When you asked for access to the archives I thought he was going to kill you! Right there in front of me!"

"A murder not worthy of his skills," I said, muffled. I'd gotten away, only for him to wrap his arms around me again, digging his knuckles into my scalp. "Fuyu, what do I have to lose, really? He tells me to take a hike? He throws me out and I wind up at Natsuki's a little early? Think!"

"You might not, but I still have a career to think about!" he snapped, and that took the air out of whatever I'd been ready to say next. I went limp on him, and he huffed with the sudden increase of weight in his arms.

"Sabotage my nephew, because his cute little teammate got cheeky at him? Fugaku wouldn't dare," said Kuro, but I wasn't in the mood for it anymore.

It wasn't so much a sore spot as it was an open wound, I was coming to realize. Even in trying not to harp on it, my team couldn't avoid jabbing into it. I might never work again. I had always been sick, but now I was over. Write myself off and get out of my teammates' way.

"You've always been like this," said Fuyu, letting go of me at last. I sank to the floor, listlessly. "Like you don't understand why anyone would want to live like they have something to lose. You always do this! Since we were genin! Both my eyes are your fault, Haruka. Every tomoe."

Yes, thank you, keep dropping bricks. I'm already down, what's a few more?

"Fuyu-chan," said Kuro, and it cut like a knife, Fuyu freezing in place with a shiver. I took the moment to move, getting to my feet faster than I'd been moving since I'd pulled Hatake out of the ceiling in the hospital. I made straight for the guest bedroom, and as soon as I closed the door heard the muffled sounds of an argument from the kitchen.

I didn't try eavesdropping. I didn't even sit down. I went straight for the window and out.

I didn't run; I couldn't. I went as fast as the pinch in my left lung would let me, through streets and yards rather than rooftops. I might never roof-run again. But whatever. What was one more brick.

Nothing I had felt over the past week had been unbearable; until suddenly, now, it was. Nothing had really changed, not outwardly. It wasn't even as though I had been avoiding thinking about things- it was practically all that occupied my head. But I had been able to keep it all at arm's length. Now-

Now I could feel the weight, the individual load of every single brick in the village bearing down on me. It was heaviest over my chest. It always was, really- but usually there were other things in the way, between me and the sensation of it. Even now, there was the flickering overlay of some past life, clouding the street with the haze of an opium den, the smooth pavement with old-fashioned cobbles. Bleeding through with strong emotions.

...I had felt like this before, then. In some other lifetime. That was… not comforting, per say. But it let me know that I wasn't the first, or the only. This nadir was not uncharted territory, I was not the only Himitsu Haruka to reach it.

The knowledge did not equate to a lessening of the pressure on my chest, or an easing of the emotion choking my throat. I didn't want to be alone; I didn't want company.

Apparently my first best instinct is a very dramatic one, and I found myself in front of the memorial stone. Of all the places I'd been, this one didn't flicker. There was no vision of another world sliding over the image of it, despite my inner turmoil. I felt something settle inside me for it. A place that belonged to this edition of myself and no other- fucked up as that was.

And then I chanced to look to one side, and choked on a curse when I saw who was there. Hatake Kakashi, again, looking at me like I was a space alien, again. I drew breath to speak but started coughing instead, turning away and directing it into the crook of my arm.

"We're going to have to put together a rotation schedule," I said, muffled by my sleeve, peeking at him from the corner of my eye. He hadn't left while I was indisposed, like I'd half expected. "Fucken. Like a timeshare."

"...It's late," he said, and I clapped a hand to my cheek.

"So you can tell time," I said, wide-eyed and breathless. The joke fell flat, fluttering to the ground between us in the silence afterwards. I didn't bother picking it up again.

"I thought I'd have it to myself," he said, a slight edge to the words. I stared at him for a long moment, my eyebrows high.

"You know, I don't actually think this is healthy," I said, as sincere as I come. He didn't move, but the air around us got a little colder. I held my breath for a heartbeat, and then extended a hand to him.

"...For either of us. Let's split a bottle of sake and look at the moon," was what fell out of my mouth, instead of whatever I'd been planning. It hadn't been what either of us had expected me to say, if the nonexpression on him was any indication.

"I don't drink," he said, flatly, and did not take my hand. I could feel him sliding away from me, and this time, even though I'd expected it, the rejection hurt a little.

"It doesn't have to be a habit," I said. "That's not healthy either. I was right about the gramophone, wasn't I?" ...If I'd had it with me, it would have been part of the experience. Loud music and drinks and a late night under the moon. Things the soul needs sometimes.

The thing was, I didn't think he'd do it, even if he wanted to. Especially if he wanted to. Survivor's guilt was a hell of a drug. Gods, I'd know. I was trying to move past it, thumbhandedly and with limited results, but I was still trying. I was looking forward, even though I didn't really like what I was looking at.

Maybe it was just… too soon. I started to let my hand fall, rolling back my expression until it was blank again, packing up the feelings I'd let onto it.

"It doesn't have to mean we're friends," I said. "It's not a commitment. I'm not trying to...bully you."

His hand moved, twitched, and I held my breath. My eyes met his- both of us a little wild, and his hand lifted- and then he was gone, in a puff of wind and a swirl of leaves. I huffed a sigh, and sat down in a pile, feeling like someone had cut the string that was holding me taut.

Like making friends with a feral cat. I'd pushed for too much without building up the groundwork of trust, I supposed. Impatient of me. Ill-considered. It was about what I deserved for it.

I wasn't in much condition to rehab a feral stray at the moment anyway.

I wasn't alone for very long, but it was long enough. ANBU Ox shunshinned in next to me in a quiet rustle of leaves and displaced air, sitting beside me like he'd always been there. His mask faced away, but I could tell he was still looking at me.

"Does Aunt Kuro have your direct line?" I asked, tiredly.

"Uchiha Kuro has a lot of direct lines," said Ox, his voice artificially distorted, rumbling and deep.

"Cats," I agreed.

"But that wasn't actually why I was out here," Ox went on. "...I'm expecting a new addition to my team in the coming weeks."

My eyes slid sideways towards him, and narrowed a fraction.

"I thought Hound was already an ANBU captain," I said. Ox sighed lightly, the sound echoing through his mask.

"You're not cleared to know anything about the internal structure of ANBU," he said. "I have no idea why you expect your information to be anything but out of date."

That was sensei. Take away with one hand and give with another. "Maybe I should look into expanding my clearance," I said, thoughtfully, as Ox muffled another sigh. "...Ah, of course. There would have to be some internal rearrangement in light of… current events." ANBU certainly hadn't gone without casualties. That was how it was, in ANBU. "Both due to personnel losses and… reassessment of capacity for command."

Hatake would probably be upset about it, I reflected, even if it was objectively the correct call. Upset and depressed, but that seemed to just be the way he went through life these days.

"I'm going to recommend you be reinstated in Intel," said Ox. I huffed.

"Yes, but I want a higher security clearance than you get on desk Intel," I said. Ox shook his head ever so little.

"Like it's ever mattered to you anyway," he said. "Makes a body wonder what's the point of all the cloak-and-dagger play."

"Aesthetic," I said. "You know. For fun."

Ox was quiet, for a bit, and I may or may not have slumped sideways a little, so my shoulder touched his. It was just as solid as it had been in the restaurant, when he was sensei.

"Your value has never been in your command of jutsu," Ox said, and the suddenness of it made my breath hitch. I stared at him. "That was never what made you an important part of your team, not really. Any number of other nin could have filled the skill set you brought in." He was looking back at me now, through the bottomless holes of his mask.

"You have a way with people, Haru-kun," he said, and I suppressed a snort. "...Do you know how many genin teams fail initial placement because they can't get over interpersonal problems? It's… about a third." I was silent, then, watching the edges the moon etched over his mask. "You never even gave your team a chance to," and I could hear the smile even in his distorted voice, even as small as sensei made them. "I have often wished I could work with ANBU teams with even a fraction of your determination to get along."

I laughed then, soft and wheezy. "I've been told that's one of my more obnoxious traits," I said.

"Don't listen to 'em," said Ox.

"...So you've been shadowing Hound, not me, then," I said, tilting my head. "Worried already, about the new addition to your team?"

"Deeply," he said, tucking his chin. "Without Minato's positive influence he's going to be a menace, and he'll resent me on principle if I try to fill those shoes. I can only do so much."

"But I'm in his age group, with intelligence scores in the same vicinity, we know each others' tragic backstories, and there's no shoes for me to be stepping into, not overtly," I said, thinking, in spite of myself, about Nohara Rin. Because I was absolutely not Nohara Rin! "You're hoping I'm going to ease your team's interpersonal problems." I tried not to sound too accusatory.

"He needs friends among his peers," said Ox, nodding. "You and Natsuki-chan have about equally high emotional intelligence, but, well. Perhaps we'll bring Natsuki-chan in on it later, after you've softened him up."

"Natsuki-chan's a bit much for first contact," I agreed. "So Aunt Kuro didn't tip you off to come find me?"

"I never said that," said Ox. I sighed.

"...I'm being extra, aren't I," I said.

"Haru-kun," said Ox, gently. "Get your head out of your ass."

I let that sit with me, eyes turned sheepishly down at my lap. Harsh, but fair. The warm feeling in my chest wasn't embarrassment.

"Ox-tan always knows the right thing to say," I mumbled, lacing my fingers.

"That's Ox-taicho, if it's anything," he said, leaning forward to dislodge me from him.

"Suppose I'd better go back and face the music," I said, looking up at him with a sigh. "Give me a ride?"

"ANBU is not your personal taxi service," said Ox, getting to his feet and briskly dusting off the back of his uniform. He held a hand out to me anyway.

"Like I keep saying, it'll all get backdated when I'm Hokage," I told him, putting my hand in his so he could pull me to my feet. His enormous, deeply warm hands, big enough to vanish mine.

"If you're counting on me losing track in the time it takes you to get there, don't," said Ox, and I found myself tossed over his shoulder like a sack of grain. I squeaked, but didn't try to get myself resituated. He couldn't exactly carry me quickly any other way, except on his back, and jounin of a certain age got unilaterally twitchy about arms around their neck from behind.

We stopped outside the gates to the Uchiha district, and Ox set me down.

"Not going all the way in?" I murmured, looking up at him through my lashes.

"They're so much twitchier since the tenth," Ox muttered back. "The paperwork that says I'm supposed to be here is hypothetical."

"It might already exist," I corrected him, just to be that guy. "If I've cracked time travel by the time I'm Hokage." His hand lit for just a moment on the small of my back, pushing enough that I stumbled forward. The movement attracted the attention of both Uchiha on gate duty, but before they looked over, he was already gone.

I recognized one of the kids on gate duty, Uchiha Tonbo from my own age group, though not the same graduating class of genin. She had the sleek, almost-purple type Uchiha hair, not that you could tell in the orange glare of sodium lights, and she was squinting at me like she knew who I was even before her sharingan turned on, briefly. The other kid on the gate I didn't recognize- he was young, possibly a brand new genin, his hair a spiky mop, but the eyes he turned on me were already red.

"Hi, sorry," I said, shuffling up to the gate, keenly aware that I was puffy-faced and wearing house shoes. "I'm Himitsu Haruka, I'm staying with Uchiha Kuro this week."

"Oh right," said Tonbo, her forehead clearing. "You're Fuyu-kun's teammate."

"That's me," I said, trying not to sound as tired as I felt. "Tonbo-kun, right?" My eyes flicked over her again, lighting on her vest. "You made chuunin since I saw you last, I think."

"Last exams," she said, straightening up a little, proud of herself. "Have I really not seen you since then?"

"I've been almost exclusively on hospital shifts since I made chuunin," I said, with a lopsided smile. "I'm very happy to have not seen much of you in the course of my day to day."

"There is that," said Tonbo, with a smile of her own. "I guess I must be doing something right, if the medics don't see me often." Her smile faded, a little, the longer she looked at me. "...Is everything all right?"

I took a minute, to decide what to say. "...It's been a week," I settled on, tucking my hands up inside my haori sleeves so I could cross them over my stomach.

Tonbo took a deep breath, and let it out in a puff. "It sure has," she said, her tone dull. I felt a pang of disappointment, that I'd made her remember to sound like that.

"Sorry," I said. "Yeah."

"What's wrong with your chakra?" said the second gate guard, who now that I looked back at him hadn't ever turned off his sharingan.

I scowled at him. "Turn those off," I said, instead of answering the question. "That's super rude, you know. We're not even introduced."

The kid smiled at me, and in his defense, he was very cute, in a bratty way. He tilted his head, charmingly. "Of course we are. You're Himitsu Haruka, chuunin medic."

"That's Shisui," said Tonbo, indicating him with a sigh and a lazy turn of her wrist. "His team is literally just back from the front, he hasn't remembered how to act yet."

"You didn't answer me," said Shisui, undeterred.

"Are you a medic?" I asked. His forehead furrowed.

"No, but-"

"Then don't ask medical questions," I said, waspishly.

"I'm guarding the Uchiha district," said the kid. "I can ask any questions I want pertaining to the safety of the citizens inside."

"In no universe does that entitle you to my personal medical information!" I barked back, the increase in volume making my chest rattle a little.

"Shisui, she's cleared with Fugaku-sama," said Tonbo, uncomfortably. "And Kuro-sama. Whatever's wrong, they know about it, and they're okay with her being here anyway."

"Your eyes are not better than Uchiha Kuro's," I told the kid, and he had the audacity to actually look doubtful. "...I'm telling her you said that," I went on.

"I haven't said anything," with a widening smile that didn't make him look cute or innocent at all.

"Wearing your sharingan and still having the audacity to insist body language doesn't count," I said, clucking sadly. "Hypocrisy is only a useful deflection if you can't be immediately called on it, you know?"

"Go on in," said Tonbo, who had gone from uncomfortable to trying not to laugh. At which one of us, I couldn't tell, but it didn't exactly matter, either. "Take care, Haruka-kun."

"You too," I said, waving as I moved past them through the gate.

The house was dark, quiet but full of movement, the comings and goings of cats. I left my ruined house shoes in the entryway, and continued inside without turning on a light. Aunt Kuro was not at the kitchen table, though the smoke still hanging near the ceiling told me she had been not long ago. I picked up a cat from my usual window seat and sat down in it, the cat in my lap. It was an elderly one, white and longhaired, no tail to speak of and a great cobby head and a purr that started up as soon as I touched it's ears.

I sat there, for a long few minutes, in the dark and surrounded by cats. It did help, actually.

Fuyu didn't so much as twitch when I slid open the door to his room, his back to me where he lay on the futon. Made neither sound nor movement as I took my time exchanging my clothes for pajamas- he hadn't moved my stuff to the guest room. I slid into bed next to him, my back square up against his for warmth.

I felt him let out a sigh, and relax behind me.

Neither of us said anything. I fell asleep.

Took a minute to publish this because I wound up -ugh- /fact checking/ and revising future chapters. Gross, right? haha, I won't make a habit of it. I always get disheartened when I catch myself making dumb continuity mistakes, and even though it's never actually a difficult fix I take forever to get around to it. Ah well! Taking longer to post means I get to build up more buffer! Right? right

Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read, fav, and review! To the anon who wonders if Haruka will be able to do anything about the Uchiha massacre... haha /me too/ -sweats- I have lots of ideas, but who knows how it'll actually shake out! Haruka really likes the Uchiha so I can't imagine her doing anything but try her hardest to save them, but also the sharingan is some serious gamebreaking bullshit and I understand very deeply why it had to be taken out of the narrative... but on the other, other hand, danzo delenda est