1961

"Sorry I'm late, good to see everybody… Hey!" Allison hadn't met any of the men who'd shown up for the meeting yet, including the one who had just entered. Some of the women were familiar, but the majority were strangers. After the unchanging bubble of the last three months, this felt like starting over again.

The meeting Odessa said they'd needed to be at was for a local civil rights chapter, and Allison had been barely keeping her cool as she finished helping set out chairs in the front of the salon and took a seat next to Odessa. Finally something she could do to help; it felt like she'd wanted this for forever.

"Alright, so I have been getting a lot of questions from the young folk asking me about why. Why it is that the SJCC chooses to be nonviolent." The man who was running the meeting seemed confident, chipper even. "And they'll say things to me like, 'Ray, these people are killing us. So why don't we just fight back?' And I understand their sentiment, believe me, I understand. I was there once myself."

Allison wanted to listen. She wanted to hear what Ray and the other participants had to say. And she wanted to focus on whatever was on these pamphlets he was passing around. Unfortunately, it didn't take long to realize what was really going on here and get incredibly distracted by it. Because as Ray talked, Allison was reading Odessa's body language and swiftly realizing that the protest aspect was not the only reason Odessa had invited her to this. The shifting around, the occasional side-eye glances to see where Allison was looking, the little quirk in the corner of the other woman's mouth…it was infuriating.

By the time the meeting was wrapping up half an hour later, Allison was frowning into space, not listening to Ray's closing statements. This hadn't even been a real meeting, she griped to herself. It had been a quick gathering to take care of administrative items and establish a new schedule now that the semester had begun. Allison didn't know why that last part mattered, and she wasn't inclined to care. Not when, as soon as it was over, Odessa was practically dragging her up to the front where a few of the men were talking, Ray included.

"Odessa." He gave her a warm smile in greeting as they approached.

Without preamble, Odessa forcefully began the introductions. "Ray, this is Allison. Allison, Raymond Chestnut."

Allison waved when his eyes flicked to her before fixing Odessa with a sarcastic look that the other woman ignored. Odessa was already too busy explaining that Allison had been staying with her and was working at her salon. "She pretty much came out of thin air," Odessa was saying. "And she wants to help with the movement. At least, while she's in Dallas. She's looking for her family."

Ray's attention went from Odessa back to Allison, and he nodded once at her. "You're missing your family?"

Odessa had already blurted out that Allison couldn't talk. And now Allison simply nodded back stiffly in answer.

"We'll have to see what we can do about that." Ray rubbed the bottom of his chin, and Allison was glad for once that she didn't have a voice to add that none of her siblings were black. Whatever connections Ray might have through the movement, they were probably worthless in this situation. Assuming her siblings were even around to find…

This was a thought that had been plaguing her for a few weeks now, once stressing over Claire and Vanya and Luther had lost its intense sting: what had happened to Klaus and Diego and Five? She loved all of her siblings; she needed to act like it. Why was she like this?

You're compartmentalizing. That's okay, Luther's voice whispered to her, always quick to take her side even when she wasn't.

"Um, Allison?" Ray's quiet voice startled her out of her thoughts to find that it was just the two of them standing together, alone. Odessa had snuck off—the finagling, matchmaking jerk—and the other men were carrying on their conversation a few feet away.

Allison gave him a noncommittal smile that meant she was back in the present and not wandering the endless pathways of worry. When Ray raised his eyebrows at her, Allison made a little writing motion in the air and then shrugged.

"Ah." He turned and rifled through some papers sitting on a vacant chair behind him. Then he handed her a pencil and a pamphlet. "There, that's better."

Thanks. She hoped he read it as sarcastically as she meant it.

This was ridiculous. She didn't want to stand here nodding and writing against her leg to try and make awkward small talk with a stranger. She didn't belong here, for one. That was enough on its own, but a part of her also resented the idea that she'd want to stay here. She wanted her daughter, her family. And she wasn't ready to give up on the Umbrella Academy's messy teamwork just yet. Five would be back for them.

"So you're from New York." When she nodded, Ray nodded too. Odessa had basically spilled what little she knew of Allison's life story already, so there wasn't much else to say. She wished he'd take the hint. "I've never been. What brings you to Dallas?"

Family.

Ray nodded again. He had an intelligent air about him, one that made her feel like he was reading into everything. And maybe, possibly, coming up with many of the right answers. Even though there was no way he had any sense of the broader context. "We're happy to have you here. The movement is good at communicating between chapters, but it's nice to have someone with personal experience from somewhere else join us. I appreciate you reaching out."

I want to help. Allison hesitated to write the next part. I'll do what I can, but I can't get too involved. She was lucky she hadn't changed something massive yet inadvertently. While she definitely still fantasized about doing some rumoring to help right some of the wrong being done in Dallas, she was also slowly, grudgingly, becoming aware of the fact that she didn't know what she was doing. And she didn't have the luxury of asking Five how much she could dig into the movement without accidently compromising the way things were supposed to happen. If that was even a thing. Although given what little she knew about the nature of his psychopath employer, she suspected it was.

"Right, I'm sure you're eager to get in contact with your…?"

Allison huffed a little as she wrote Siblings and showed it to him. She wasn't in the mood to explain any further and really hoped he didn't ask. It felt like her heart broke in new places the longer she was stuck here. One of these days it was going to shatter apart for good. Talking, or in this case writing, about it certainly didn't help.

Ray just looked thoughtful. "I know how that goes. With the movement at least. I'm hoping to quit my job soon, actually. Our chapter could use some closer management. We're starting to get too big to have a bunch of us coming and going part-time."

"He's right." Another man appeared over Ray's shoulder, clapping it. "Especially since he's a quarter-timer, if even that."

"Yeah, yeah," Ray brushed him off with an easy smile, turning back to her. "This is Miles."

"Hey, Sister. It's nice to meet you." They shook hands as Ray told Miles her name and where she was from.

Hi. Allison showed him the piece of paper with as much of a real smile as she could muster.

Miles wasn't quite as unflappable as Ray, and he was clearly getting ready to ask why she was writing instead of speaking when Ray was saying something about needing to talk to Sharon, and maybe Miles should catch her before she left so they could discuss logistics for the next meeting?

Miles took the hint, and Allison was just about to take the out and start scribbling a curt goodbye to Ray as his friend walked away, but he went on before she had the chance.

"You know, I have a friend who's a voice teacher at Paul Quinn. She may be able to help with your throat if you wanted to stop by campus sometime." When Allison just blinked at him, confused, his warm smile returned. "Paul Quinn College here in Dallas? I'm a professor there. I teach English. My colleague, she's had some trouble with vocal nodules. She may be able to help you."

It's not my nodes. Allison held up the paper.

"Right." Ray was looking at her like she was one of the weirdest people he'd ever met. She was getting a little annoyed with him right back, even though she knew none of this was his fault. He hadn't asked Odessa to force them into awkwardly mingling. But he was deliberately stretching this faltering conversation out. She just wanted to be left alone to agonize privately. "It may be a place to start, though," Ray continued. "I know a few people over at Forest Avenue Hospital too. A few of them are regulars at our protests."

I don't have that kind of money.

"It's a favor; you're new to town and you're helping us out."

Forget it; she was ending this. Odessa is trying to set us up. Allison finally just went ahead and wrote it, showing him the paper and then immediately turning it back around and adding, But I'm taken.

Her divorce wasn't final, so it was technically true. And it definitely didn't have anything to do with Luther.

"Does she know that?" Ray looked more amused by this than anything else.

No. Allison put a finger to her lips. It's complicated.

"Seems like it. All the more reason to see what we can do to help each other out." He started scribbling. "Here…is the address and…my office number. And I'm putting my office hours below. They're about the only time I can guarantee that I'll be in. Life of a professor."

Ray handed it to her with a shrug as if it wasn't an impressive job. Allison wished she'd at least hesitated before taking it from him. But she didn't, and it was in her purse a moment later.

She tapped the Thanks on her paper again a little more sincerely this time. He'd taken that better than she'd expected.

"My pleasure, Miss Allison." Ray was still smiling. It was a nice smile. Allison wasn't used to trusting people. She was surprised to find that she wanted to be able to trust him. "Maybe I'll be seeing you soon."

000

1962

That night was the first time Vanya thought of Pogo. It almost destroyed her. She wasn't sure if the wall across from her bed was shaking or if the tears in her eyes were smearing it sideways in the dim light, but she forcefully stifled a sob and smashed her face into her pillow, breathing harshly.

What was wrong with her? She'd killed Pogo, but she hadn't felt this way when she'd thought she'd killed Allison. That had felt surreal, far away. Something entrancing that she knew she shouldn't touch. Like pricking her finger on the tip of a spindle. But this was pure pain, an assault of fire and darkness that battered her relentlessly.

Luther had fallen asleep by the time Vanya came out of the bathroom twenty minutes ago. It was after midnight now, and she hadn't had much energy to be more than hazily stunned by how long she'd been in there as she climbed back into her bed.

But as soon as her mind calmed from the existential crisis she'd been having in the bathroom, a new one began, and she was helplessly watching Pogo lift off his feet and slam into the antlers over and over and over again. Because of her. She'd done that. Vanya could still remember the detached fury from those few moments, but she didn't feel it now. Now, all she felt was a bone-deep horror made worse by the notion that she deserved to see Pogo when she closed her eyes.

Holy shit, she had a body count. Nowhere in the quiet hours of despair and loneliness and relentlessly practicing had she ever pegged herself as a murderer. And from there her thoughts swept farther out, drawing in her family, drawing in the fact that she actually probably had deserved to be caged up.

Everything had just been too much. She'd lost herself in an overwhelming storm and a part of her had just…shut down. Like the downpour had seeped into her skin, transformed her. It had finished the work of making her a monster. And now when she thought of Luther, her anger was turned toward herself. Anger for being angry at him. Anger for the fact that even now she wanted to scream at him until he woke up, scream at him until he got it through his thick head that she needed him…

But he didn't need her. The Umbrella Academy didn't need her. Vanya realized in a drowning moment of despair that she'd gone from simply being an annoying extra to an actual threat. And then the memories from the cabin tore through the floorboards of the great room, where Pogo was still making his continuous journey into the antlers over the mantle and now the darkness that Vanya was staring into became Allison's eyes. Eyes that knew the answer but didn't want to say yes. Eyes that did, indeed, feel threatened.

It was all so stupid. Vanya had been so stupid. And everyone else had paid for it. She had no right to be angry at—to hate—anyone but herself.

"Vanya?" Luther's quiet voice startled her, and Vanya jerked reflexively. Behind her, she heard an oof and something hitting the floor. There was more bumping around before one of the lights between the beds flicked on. "Uh, did you need something?"

"No." Vanya didn't dare roll over.

"Okay. Just checking." His bed creaked and the covers rustled and after a moment of awkward silence, Luther added, "I think you were, um, shaking my bed."

Then the light flicked off.

Shit. Vanya sighed and risked turning over onto her back. The ceiling was a shadowy blue from an outside lamppost. "Right. Sorry." It slipped out before she could stop it, a thousand compulsive sorrys of the past echoing in this one.

"What you said earlier about always being in control…" She could sense his nerves even in the darkness. In his tone. "That's not true."

"Because I can't be as good as the rest of you."

"Vanya, you just threw me out of bed unintentionally." Luther's voice didn't sound accusatory, just tired and neutral. "And because you're not that person."

She didn't know how badly she'd wanted to hear the words until he said them. Even though she also knew they were untrue. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of. I didn't know… Until I did it.

If he wasn't going to state the obvious, she would. "I think we both know you don't believe that."

Pogo. Pogo. Pogo. And Mom. Poor Mom who'd loved Vanya just as much as her extraordinary siblings. She hadn't deserved to die that way. Just like Pogo hadn't. And for the first time, Vanya was legitimately afraid that she would kill Luther too. He looked so painfully vulnerable, lying in her peripheral. His shoulders were a thick bulge under the covers and absolutely no match for her.

His voice was still a whisper. "I was upset about Allison and everything that had been going on with the apocalypse and I just…I took it all out on you. Everyone else wanted to trust you except me. And I…I wasn't trying to hurt you. It wasn't like that. I thought it was my job to protect everyone, and I didn't know what you were going to do next. I completely jumped the gun. I'm sorry for that. It was my fault."

Vanya blinked to loosen the tears pooling uncomfortably at the corners of her eyes. They trailed down her cheeks and collected along her jawline. She could count on one hand the number of times her siblings had ever apologized to her for anything. And she hadn't actually expected Luther to take on any of the blame. But right now, it still wasn't enough. She was too far down for it to reach her in the depths of her grief and fury. Again, the practical, level side of her was tugging at her sleeve, murmuring that what Luther had said made sense. He'd always been the protector. But it hurt to know that when push came to shove, Vanya wasn't on his list of people to protect. Not anymore, apparently. She felt another sticky ball of energy beginning to form in her chest and wished desperately to rewind time.

"I know it must have been scary to have powers all of a sudden," Luther added. "It would have freaked the hell out of me."

"What happened?" Vanya finally located her voice. She consciously let go of the building energy, letting it dissipate slowly. She needed to be calm for this. As calm as possible. "I don't remember anything after…after…"

"Allison startled you and you passed out." Luther didn't hesitate to pick up where she'd uncertainly left off. "She had one of Dad's guns and fired right next to your ear. You dropped us, and as you fell, a bolt of energy shot up through the roof. We thought that was the end of it."

"And then?" If she didn't ask now, Vanya was fairly certain she wouldn't be able to bring herself to again.

"Allison was checking you over, and we were all talking. In the confusion, Klaus looked up and saw a piece of the moon breaking off, coming downward. Then more started to fall."

"It's true then." Vanya knew she had caused the apocalypse, had felt it deep in the back of her mind, but she hadn't known exactly how.

"It was an accident." Luther's "diplomatic" voice usually amused her. It made him sound like he was right on the edge of a panic attack. Now, it just made her want to curl into herself. "Five suggested we jump back in time before impact. I thought he was taking us back to our childhoods. We all aged down right before we blinked out of the theater. But apparently he, um, overshot it a little."

"Just a little." Vanya huffed a hollow laugh at the thought.

"Since you were still unconscious, I was holding you. When Five's wormhole closed and I started falling, you were the only one I still had contact with, and it seemed like, for a moment, something tried to separate us. I'm-I'm not completely sure what happened next, but I think your powers activated somehow? Before I lost my grip, it felt like something came up around us and shielded the worst of it. Otherwise, I don't think we would have landed together."

That's what she'd been feeling when she woke up. Vanya had known she'd released more energy, and she'd suspected it had been during the blacked-out part between the theater and the street. Even unconscious, her powers had pushed themselves out of her like that horrible scene in Alien. It freaked her out to think about it. Again, for a moment, she wished she was back on her meds. She wished she was back in her apartment, back practicing, teaching, running late to rehearsal.

But now when she thought of those times, they were punctuated by Allison at her door, Allison handing her coffee, Allison asking her if she was wearing makeup. Allison, whom Vanya loved. Vanya, perhaps selfishly, didn't want to go back to a time before she'd realized that. And maybe the feel of that sudden, almost euphoric, sibling love she'd wanted her whole life had a little to do with how strongly Vanya reacted to the news that Leonard wasn't who she'd thought. Couldn't she just love them both—have them both? For once?

The silence had stretched for so long that Vanya wasn't surprised to eventually hear Luther's breathing even out. She took what felt like her first real breath of the night and rolled over. The grief came back soon enough, but this time the darkness behind her closed eyes stayed firmly blank, and the last thing Vanya remembered thinking was idly pondering how it felt to be this tired after she'd just destroyed her own life.

Katie and Jess beta-ed this. 'Tis much appreciated.

Thank you so much for the reviews, nibblesfan! To answer your question, Diego will be coming (hopefully) soon. Since he's the last to arrive in this AU's timeline (the same arrival date from the show), his arc will take place more post-Five's arrival. But he definitely has some stuff he needs to do first. *sly, evil smirk*

Thanks for reading!

A/N December 2021: I originally wrote one of Ray's lines as "I have colleagues in the medical department too," but have since found out that (as far as I can tell) Paul Quinn College doesn't have a medical wing or hospital associated with it. The line has been corrected above to a black-owned hospital in South Dallas contemporary to the 1960s.