chapter 9: NEST OF MURDER
cilantra, Gorg... and welchs just sat in Gorg...'s apartment awkwardly. "...so are we going to do anything?" said cilantra. "you know, something that isnt staring at either of your faces"
"we could find fructose and go on a Time Patrol" replied Gorg... "also dont say that about my face. its Rude"
welchs head turned 180 degrees to face Gorg... "She is not wrong about your face." he snapped back to looking at cilantra. "But you should watch your words."
cilantra avoided eye contact. later i'm going to ask trunks WHY i partnered myself up with these people she thought. "lets just do some patrolling"
Gorg... cilantra, and welchs left the apartment. they didnt realize that they were going to see something terrible
the time pals looked at lard beepus, who had just finished explaining vaporwave, like he was a madman.
"so... your saying that the genre vaporwave is just music slowed down?" asked trunks.
lard beepus screamed "YEAH" in response.
"...i dont believe you"
"WELL ITS TRUE. SHOULD I EXPLAIN Nightcore necxt9 (the author akira toriyama was listening to nightcore beethoven moonlight sonatat while whriting this part :) "
everyone just looked at each other, not saying a word. one of them screamed at the top of her lungs "LETS INTRODUCE OURSELVES. YOUVE ALREADY MET OLERACEA AND TRUNKS. GET READY FOR..."
the first person looked like one of new freiza's new soldiers on new namek. "NEW JEICE" said the one girl.
"oi mates" said new jeice. "i once pissed in the shadow of time's breakfast"
"wonderful. next up we have..."
this next person was a cat-like furry with light blue fur and a neon red t-shirt. "THIS PERSON IS BELLE. SHES SINGLE, READY TO MINGLE, AND COULD KILL ME."
belle looked over at lard beepus. "if you fight great ape baby with me please dress up as golden frieza. only if you hear me say this though if you dont thats okay. its fine thanks. im gay"
"WOW I DONT KNOW WHO THAT IS. ALRIGHT NOW YOU WILL NOT BE EXPECTING THIS NEXT PERSON AT ALL IT WILL BE A GREAT SURPRISE YOU WILL BE SHOCKED TO YOUR CORE. ITS ME. THE PRINCESS EATSHORTS NART. I CRAWLED INTO A EARTH POD. I WAS ADOPTED BY A FOOD ARTIST NAMED SAN GOOHON. Hes Dead Now THOUGH.
AND LASTLY. WE HAVe. NOBODY ELSE I JUT WANTED TO GET YOUR HOPES UP. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE. NOTHING IS CHROME AND EVERYTHING SUCKS"
bulma was working on a spaceship. "you know its too bad that vegeta destroyed our other spaceships with his screams" she said to anybody who was listening.
"hows that god radar coming along" asked krillin
"its coming"
MASTER ROSHI BURST OUT OF THE OCEAN. "HEHEHE CUM"
"oh my god this is going to be a nightmare isnt it"
puar, who was also there, nodded. "yeah sorry. just to clarify im not apologizing to oolong im apologizing to you"
"i hope vegeta isnt getting himself killed" bulma w
VEGETA JUMPED INTO THE OCEAN. "OH SHIT IM GETTING MYSELF KILLED" HE SAID AS HE FOUGHT A JELLYFISH VERSION OF BEERUS
the future fucks were walkig to the time machine (that wosnt brokey) piccolo looked around. rubble was everywhere the sky was gray and master roshi was dead (which was the only good thing left (it was also good that there was rubble everywhere and the sky was gray (but only if youre evil. its always good if roshi is dead though]). "so how did this even start" he wondered allowed.
"well," began trunks "nobody knows where the shadow of time came from, so there really isnt an answer to that..." he walked slower dramatically. "all we can do is fight to stay alive. and we will keep training until-"
A KI BLAST FIRED INTO THE AREA! WHAT LOOKED TO BE A HALF SAIYAN WITH MESSY BLACK HAIR A NEON PINK TAIL AND A VERY TACKY OUTFIT WAS UP IN THE AIR, HOLDING... A GUN!
"alright pals, if you wanna live, hand over all of your valuables!" she said aggresivly.
everyone looked at her and then at each other. "hey trunks do you know this girl" said oleracea"
"what"
"you know EVERYONE in this stupid bitch garbage future"
"...No i do not"
oleracea looked back to the new stranger and waved his hand dismisslevely "then shoo get outta here. we would like our supplies thank you very much"
the myserty saiyan girl BRISTLED angy "I WILL SHOOT YOU WITH A GUN NOW! BECAUSE YOU DID NOT COMPLY!" the half saiyan bullets (half saiyan, half bullet) bounced harmlessly off everyone. she looked down at the gun. "im losing my touch arent i"
"the touch of GARBAGE maybe"
the mysterious half saiyan girl dropped her gun and raised her hands. "okay, i surrender, please dont murder me"
"OKAY" yelled nart. "I LIED" yelled nart. "NEVERMIND" yelled nart. "YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE CALIFORNIA GURLZ DO YOU LIKE CALIFORNIAN GIRLS"
"i like girls but whats a california"
"OKAY. WHAT ABOUT WHAT THE HELL BY EVIL LAVIGNE (dark future)"
"can i live"
"OKAY"
oleracea glared at nart. "dont speak for everyone buddy. i would be fine with still murdering her"
nart swaggered around rotatingly. "FINE, LETS ASK LARD BEEPUS HIS OPINION, BECAUSE I LIKE HIM. I SUPPORT HIM IN HIS ENDEAVORS, AND I TOO LIKE TO YELL"
lard beepus stared at his hands/paws. he had to make his SECOND BIG DECISION! what would he do? he was going to be the new GOD OF DESTRUCTION, and he had to get used to murder and destruction, but he also wanted to let this girl who was gonna steal their stuff live. "SHES ON HER KNEES BEGGING PLEASE 'DONT KILL ME'" HE SCREAMED. "SHE CAN JOIN US"
"WHEN DID ANYONE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HER JOINING US." ol olearca said
"im what" said the half saiyan (not turnks)
vegeta flew throught the air, looking for goku kakarot. "i swear to me if kakarot took care of this AGAIN... I SHOULD BE THE ONE FIGHTING!" suddenly he saw a FOREST CLEARING FILLED WITH GARBAGE. "wow i dont care about this" BUT THEN HE SAW... A FAMILIAR SWORD ON THE GROUND OH SHOOT (A.N. Edit from the future vegeta would cuss) FART
he was never seen again (lie) (but you wont see him for another 50 chapters)
the trio in tokitoki searched around for someone name fructose. there was a giant holographic statue of this person. he was whatever frieza is (i will die before i just call them Frieza Race), and had ballin' sunglasses (light sensitivity). "WHERE ARE YOU FRUCTOSE WE HAVEnt GOT ALL DAY WE GOTTA PATROL" SHOUTED GORG...
a bystander ran over to Gorg... and stared at him with hatred. "How dare you state the name of our lord and savior Jesus Christ in vain..." the bystander quickly went back to whatever he was doing.
"WOW" said Gorg... "THAT WAS FUCKED"
cillantra and welchs agreed. "Who is Jesus Christ" said welches
"you know" said cilantro. "is it possible for me to just. quit. because sometimes i consider it"
"PLEASE DONT" YELLED GORG... "FRUCTOSE WILL START CRYING ADNS i do not like to hear him sads" he expected welchie to make a snide comment about he loved hearing people cry including fuctose but he didnt. gorg still squinted and preempetively glared at him like he was gonna
Gorg... spotted fructose getting groceries or something i dont know. "oh thank kamaiod its fructose" he said to himself. he naruto ran at high speeds and nearly collided with the window of the store. "UCTOSE WANNA PATROL"
the startled hero turned around. "WHAT i cat hear you" then gorg punched the window in. "gorg we're gonna hev to pay for damages :("
"PATROLface"
welchs floated over to fruitcose in a t-pose. "Well, since you're ready to go patrolling, let's go."
"wait i dont think theres any time anomalies right now and i was in the middle of gocery and are we just leaving that broken-"
"Theres Always Anomiles. There's no escape."
"guyyyyyyyysss w" but it was too late. fructose was dragged off to the time nest.
everyone back at the shit ass future sort of just. stared at each other. "SO ARE WE GOING TO DO ANYTHING" SCREAMED LAR BEOPU
"no" replied belle "we are already at the time machine"
oleracea sighed. "why does everyone in this goddamn future speak for me. im gonna do something and that something is breaking your face with my bare hands"
"please dont" belle cute
"okay"
piccolo stood up. "thats it, im sick of just watching you guys use the time machine to play beer pong."
WHISper floated over helpfully to beepus and said"beer is illegal!"
"WAHTS A bear" beps
"bear is gay"
"OK"
piccolo said "you guys done."
whis-per nodded "i am very edutational and educated and educated on gay culture!"
"okay great because i actually want to get something DONE."
trunsk RAN OVER "THEYRE DOING WHAT WITH MY TIME MACHINE" nobody was playing beer pong anymore (maybe they never where)
gorg.. corected him "its mine"
goku ignored trunks also (he was one of the players) "yeah! and i really wanna fight" said goku. "i like fighting. fights are fun! especially with vegeta"
"we... know." saided trunks
"im just saying!"
"..wait what was that about father"
piccolo sighed. "i think goku fucked your dad. lets just go back to the present"
"A"
FINALLY everyone got into the time machine except for the mysterious saiyan girl. "HEY SO ARE YOU JUST GONNA IGNORE ME!? I DIDNT EVEN SAY MY NAME!"
belle looked over at her. "well what is your name mysterious friend. or fiend. pick your penis! i mean poison"
"i am the great forest bandit!" she glanced around at her surroundings. "...well, more wasteland bandit..."
"well if youre coming along get in the danged time machine"
beepus frowne.d. "be nice i designated her new member of my cool sqwausd (you guys) that i am the leader of"
there was a lot of other frowns to be had.
when fructose and friends(?) arrived at the time nest, they saw trunks and the supreme kai of time talking about something with worry. "i wonder what they're saying" said cilantra. cilantra has audio processing disorder (Discovered by tumblr user shinydecamark thanks for pointing this out!)
GORG... BURT IN AND YELLEd "WELCHS IS GOING TO KILL ME SOMEDAY PLEASE TRUNKS PLEASE KICK HIM OFF THE TIME PATROL"
fructose looked on in unsurprised horror while cilantra buried her face in her hands. "fifth time this week" she muttered
welchs floated over to Gorg... and said "You know they've tried before. You know they cannot."
"WELL THEY CAN TRY AND IF THEY DONT I WILL KICK YOU OFF MYSELF"
trunks sighed (everyone in this fic is really disappointed) "PLEASE dont do this, especially not right now.."
"REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REMOVE WELCHS REM-"
cilantra covered up Gorg...'s freaky babyface (scrunched tiny) mouth. "and thats enough of that!" she looked over at trunks and the supreme kai of time in embarrasment. "sorry about that"
trunks replied with "its fine, and honestly its nothing new..."
"yeah the exact same thing happened yesterday. one for every workday. why do you guys just let this keep happening"
he kind of sort of dodged the questino "right now isnt the time to be worrying about that. something is causing major distortions in time, as well as just up and destroying timelines!"
Gorg... was holding a time scroll with a puke yellow aura surrounding it. "I HATE HOW THESE FEEL LIKE NICKELODEON SLIME. they remind me of SLIME tutoraials. which i also hate. too slimey"
"ya think" said cilantra.
fructose examinied the slippery scrolls. the incredible squishable. squashable squeezable. stretchable b "theres a lot more of the slimeline scrolls than usual... i wonder why? or i guess who. its usually 'who' huh"
trunks shook his head with anxieyrt "here's the thing... we never see who is doing it, only the consequences of their actions... we need to find them before they disappear from the timeline!"
gorg... grimaced "ouugh thats slimy"
a random time patroller who was eavesdropping suddenly started rambling "Slimelines (Japanese: ドラゴンボール, Hepburn: Doragon Bōru: ドラゴンボール: The story of l ard beepus) are a temporal phenomenom created by Oolong in Age ?. The initial scrolls, written and orchestrated by some guy, was dropped in the sewers from 2017 to 202X, with the constant nonsense suffering being relegated to the jobs of a few select time patrollers: The Hero of TokiToki: Fructose, Some guy they found: Gorg, Welches, And Cilantra i guess. They are: The INSANE CLOWN patrol.
Insane Clown Patrol (Hepburn: ICUP) (Discovered by tumblr user shinydecamark thanks for pointing this out! (Lie)) are the highest ranking time patrollers who do secret missions, but nobody likes these secret missions so everyones glad theyre so exclusive. Slimelines are too weird for me. It was written: Only Frucktose can defeat . bad guy."
".thanks for the exposition dump" said cilantra. "but also you DID just eavesdrop on our conversation. c*nt. also we already KNEW that shit. why do YOU know so much actualy. actually the more i think about this like half of it's right and half of it im sure you just fucking made up on the spot"
fructose said "that's not our team name :'("
the fucking weirdo said "well fuck you too. also. i will find you, murder you, and eat your corpse and give the rest to the goddamned geese so you better make sure you think about who you bully and the consequences for doin' so, parder" the guy left.
"WHAT JUST HAPPENED" YELLED GORG...
fructose shrugged. "i dont know but i didnt like it. im scared"
"I THINK IT WAS THE SAME GUY WHO CALLED YOU A MESSIAH OR SOMETHING"
"thats why im scared"
everyone in the room except for the supreme kai of time just said "oh" in complete understanding.
the supreme kai of time fell over. she was a cardboard cutout