Author's Note: I have sorta decided my posting schedule now, I think. I'm gonna try and keep at least three chapters ahead of myself so if my mental health is particularly bad for a few weeks and I can't write then I'll still have something to share with you lovely people =) but I will post a new chapter once I'm half way through chapter six (as I'm currently halfway through chapter five now)!
I'm also currently house hunting, y'know, trying to avoid homelessness! So I'm stressed as fuck. This story is kinda my escape atm so it's nice to see so many people have read it. I always love hearing from people too, especially those folks in the fandom! So please let me know what you think, it will totally make my day =)
Much love,
Maxx
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even the house I'm currently living in *sigh*
Chapter Two
Rachel Berry sat at the back of Mr. Schuester's Spanish class, her textbook and notebook both open, scribbling notes as the teacher gave his last lesson of the week before Friday's Glee Club. The clock on the wall informed her that there was still half of the lesson to get through but already Rachel's mind had begun to wander, and her eyes began to stray to the girl sitting three chairs to her right.
Rachel watched Santana with an intense gaze, as if she were trying to read the thoughts in the girl's head. Very quickly her eyes shifted, drifting down the ex-Cheerio. She took in the look of concentration on her face as the girl took meticulous notes – a fact that had always confused Rachel as she knew Santana spoke fluent Spanish so why would she even bother listening in class? She took in the girl's dark eyes that seemed to pierce Rachel whenever she looked into them. She took in the girl's clothes – a black form-fitting t-shirt with scrawling red writing on the front, tight blue jeans and black doc martin boots – admiring them even, as they were much more Santana, Rachel thought, than the Cheerios uniform she had worn all last year.
Each time Rachel tried to go back to focusing on her note taking, she could not stop her eyes from sliding back across to Santana. Nor could she stop this overwhelming need to have the girl turn and look at her right that moment… She needed to understand the girl, needed to know what had happened to her to have brought about this new side… Could it be the same thing that had happened to Rachel?
Rachel shook the thought from her head, deeming it unhelpful and implausible, and returned to her work. When the bell rang to signal the end of Spanish and the start of Glee for her and the rest of the Glee kids, Rachel packed her books away in her bag and watched Santana out of the corner of her eye.
"Britt? Come on, it's time for Glee," Santana shook the sleeping blonde beside her awake.
"Spanish makes me sleepy, San." Brittany yawned, stretching her arms above her head. "It's only sexy when you use it."
Santana laughed and held out her pinkie for the blonde to hook hers onto. "If you want I'll give you a private lesson when we get home?"
A huge smile lit Brittany's face and she nodded eagerly, bouncing happily as Santana led them out of the Spanish classroom and to the choir room.
Rachel found herself rather warm all of a sudden. The image of Santana giving Brittany that 'private lesson' burned itself into her mind and was making her blush furiously. She slung her bag on her back and strode out of the room, fighting through the crush in the hallways to get to the choir room.
She reached it just in time to see Brittany drag Santana in by the hand and slam the door shut behind them. Rachel could just about see them through the door: the girls, with their arms wrapped around each other, stumbled towards the chairs as they kissed, eyes closed and smiles on their faces. It made Rachel ache and she couldn't quite figure out why.
Yes, she knew about queer relationships through her fathers and through the internet, she understood a fair bit about sexuality and gender, but she just did not know how it related to her yet. She had spent all last year watching the girls in their Cheerio uniforms – their short, short skirts and sleeveless, form-fitting tops, with their toned arms and miles of legs – yet still she was trying to sort out whether it was only that she was jealous she did not look like them and wished to, or if it was also the fact that she longed to kiss her way up those legs, be held tight in those arms, feel those bodies move against her, have those dark eyes look at her with lust…
Rachel's eyes widened at that last thought. Perhaps she already did know how it related to her… perhaps she just did not know how to deal with it all yet… She shook her head free of the clamouring thoughts and strode to the choir room door. She stopped, one hand on the handle, but instead of just walking straight in this time, she knocked. She waited a few seconds and walked in, eyes averted.
"Oh, hi, Rach!"
Rachel looked up as Brittany waved at her, smiling brightly from Santana's lap.
"Hello, Brittany," Her eyes flickered to the Latina. "Hello, Santana." Shutting the door behind her, Rachel walked to take her usual chair centre stage in the front row. Without another word she set her bag down and started unpacking her sheet music.
A few minutes passed in silence. Rachel busily trying to make her un-co-operative brain take in the words she was reading instead of picturing herself on Santana's lap…
"Hey," Santana dropped into the seat to Rachel's left then, Brittany landing in the Latina's lap a second later. "What you working on?"
"Just feeling out some songs for Sectionals, I guess. We are going to need to be ready, like Mr. Schue said, we cannot afford to slack off this year, not if we want to make it to Nationals in New York!" Rachel nodded firmly, flicking through the book with practiced ease, until she landed on the page she was looking for. "I was listening to some potential songs on my playlists the other day and I thought that this one would be perfect for-for you."
Santana held the girl's suddenly shy gaze for a long moment before taking the offered music book. Rachel had picked out Valerie by Amy Winehouse. Santana couldn't help the smile that curled her lips as she shared a look with Brittany. The blonde in her lap hugged her excitedly.
"San sings that in the car all the time! It's perfect for her! Oh, my God… are you psychic?" Brittany peered at the diva, open mouthed.
Rachel shook her head with a smile. "I am quite certain I do not have any psychic abilities, Brittany. Believe me, I've tried…" The last words were mumbled but Santana's chuckle informed her that she'd heard it anyway.
"Britt's right. It would be perfect. But… don't you wanna sing it?" Santana handed the book back.
"It's uh- It's not really in my wheelhouse. Your voice is a lot smokier than mine, I think you're the only one who could do Miss. Winehouse justice."
Santana watched the smaller girl carefully. This wasn't the Rachel Berry she was used to – where was the cut-throat, solo-driven, loud-mouthed brat from last year? Not that she minded the change all that much; it was much easier now to resist punching the girl every time she opened her mouth. Even so, Santana was more concerned than ever that something was wrong with the diva.
"We're going to Breadstix again after Glee tonight. Britt's probably gonna do her awesome trick of eating all her pasta in one long string, and Quinn always ends up wearing her pizza one way or another," Santana sat back in her chair, one arm around Brittany, the other draped across the back of Rachel's own chair. "It's chill. There's good food and interesting company, y'know, if you're into that." She met Rachel's eyes and smiled gently, desperate not to spook the girl. "But no pressure, okay?"
Rachel felt her face getting hot so dragged her gaze away from Santana's and busied herself organising her bag, in a futile attempt at looking nonchalant. "I will have to check my schedule and get back to you."
Santana sighed quietly to herself. She knew an excuse when she heard one. "Sure thing, Rachel."
The rest of the Glee kids started arriving then, thankfully distracting Santana and giving Rachel a moment to regain her composure. Finn plonked himself down to the right of Rachel, puppy dog eyes already in full effect and aimed right at the diva. Quinn and Sam arrived together, the boy talking her ear off, not realising the tight smile fixed on the girl's face was one of forced politeness not of enjoyment or enthusiasm.
When she spotted Santana and Brittany, Quinn quickly said goodbye to Sam and slid into the space between the girls and Kurt. She buried her face into Brittany's back, who swivelled and engulfed the girl in a hug.
Santana smirked. "I think someone has a crush on you, Q."
Quinn shot her a dirty look. "Don't. I am not in the mood. I had to listen to him all through Social Studies, he would not leave me alone." She massaged her forehead and drew in a deep breath, letting it out a good ten seconds later in a whoosh. "My head is fucking killing me."
"You're far too polite for your own good, Q," Santana brushed the blonde's cheek with her finger tips to get the girl to look at her. "Can I help?"
Quinn hesitated but nodded anyway.
"Swap with Q, Britt?"
Brittany did as asked, pressing a very soft kiss to Quinn's forehead not wanting to make her headache worse.
Rachel, her interest piqued, watched from beside them as Quinn sat in Santana's lap and leant completely into the brunette as Santana started gently massaging the blonde's temples with her fingers.
"Tell me where it hurts?" Santana's voice was barely a whisper.
"Here," Quinn moved the Latina's fingertips just a little to where she needed them and sighed as Santana set to work again.
"Better?"
"Mmhm," Quinn's eyes closed and she seemed to visibly relax before Rachel's eyes.
She felt like she was seeing something she was not supposed to and it gave her a little thrill. It also made her ache at how soft Santana was, how vulnerable Quinn was and how sweet Brittany had been. She finally managed to rip her eyes away from the intimate scene next to her and went searching in her bag.
"Umm…"
A voice beside her made Quinn stir and open her eyes. Rachel Berry was sat there, looking sheepish and a little red in the face. She held out a small white pill bottle and some water to her.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing…" Rachel swallowed hard and pushed herself on. "I always carry some with me, just in case."
Quinn took in the girl for a moment, eying the pill bottle up carefully until she had decided on a course of action. She smiled a small smile at Rachel and took the offering, something that Rachel seemed thoroughly surprised about. The girl awkwardly watched Quinn open the bottle, swallow two aspirin with a mouthful of water and pass them back.
"Thank you."
Rachel blushed further before turning away and fussing over her bag again.
Quinn felt Santana's quiet laughter more than heard it. She nudged the brunette with an elbow before settling back into her as Santana went back to massaging her forehead with expert fingers.
Santana caught Rachel's eye and nodded her own thanks at the girl, which earned her a beaming smile in return.
By the time Mr. Schuester finally turned up, ushering in Lauren and Puck and shutting the door behind them, Quinn was feeling a little better and had swapped back with Brittany. Even so, Santana kept her arm around her shoulders as Sam had decided to sit directly behind the blonde. Now that Quinn had voiced that she was not interested in the boy, Santana endeavoured to ensure he knew she was unavailable and thus might leave her alone.
"Sorry I'm late, guys, I was getting the transport organised for Sectionals. Which is only two weeks away!" Will rubbed his hands together enthusiastically. "So… who's got ideas for me? Come on, don't be shy!"
"How about something from Broadway?" Kurt called out from beside Quinn.
"I'm feelin' the classic rock, Mr. Schue," Puck piped up, earning a nod from Lauren sat next to him.
"How about Bieber? I mean, I've been told I kinda look like him so-"
"I think we really need to work on our dancing, I have the perfect routine-"
"Why not try for a wheelchair number again? Seeing as how we didn't get to actually perform our last one-"
"We need something with some soul, Mr. Schue-"
"I think Rachel and I should do a duet!" Finn grinned hopefully at the diva beside him.
Rachel did not respond but Santana was sure she saw her stiffen and curl her lip.
"Why don't we let someone else have a duet this time?" Santana spoke up. "We have a fuckton of awesome voices in here who would be fucking badass together."
Finn scowled at her but Mr. Schuester beat him to the punch.
"That is a very nice idea, Santana, although it would have been nicer without the cursing!" Will raised his eyebrows at her pointedly, Santana only shrugged. "So how about it? Everyone do some mixing and matching this next week and we will see who sounds best together and use their song idea at Sectionals?"
The murmur of agreement from the room seemed to satisfy Will. He turned to pull out some sheet music from his bag and held it up to the kids.
"That means we have one more number to decide on. I brought some samples of songs I thought would be well within our wheelhouse so you guys can tell me what you think," He spread them out on the piano and gestured for everyone to come over.
Most of the club popped to their feet and shot over, only Santana and Rachel remained seated.
"Not going to look?" Santana nudged Rachel with her elbow.
"I don't need to. No offense to Mr. Schue, but his selection is not nearly as extensive as my own," The diva pulled another stack of music books from her bag making Santana chuckle.
"Fair play."
"Hey Rach!" Finn waved at her over the piano. "There's some songs here I think you'd be great for! I'll grab a couple for you."
Rachel smiled weakly and gave the boy a half-hearted wave in return. Santana frowned.
"You not a fan of his anymore? I thought after everything last year you'd be-"
"No." Rachel shook her head firmly, interrupting Santana. "We're not… anything. Last year was a mistake…"
Santana waited for Rachel to go on but she remained silent.
"Rachel?"
"I don't really want to talk about it, if that's okay?" Rachel couldn't bring herself to meet the other girl's questioning gaze.
"Sure thing."
The softness in Santana's voice made Rachel's heart ache even more and she longed to look into the girl's eyes where she knew it was mirrored. But by the time she got up the nerve to do just that, Santana was stood with her arm round Quinn's waist at the piano.
"It's Breadstix time!" Brittany shot up from her chair the moment the final bell rung.
"That was right in my ear, Britt!" Quinn rubbed a hand over her forehead with a scowl.
Brittany had not heard her however and continued spinning about the choir room as everyone packed up. She darted back and forth, dragging some of the kids into impromptu dance routines as they tried to escape. Santana only laughed and shook her head. She reached over to chuck a still scowling Quinn under the chin. Quinn pursed her lips and batted her away.
"You know what she's like, Q. But I am sorry that you're still feeling shit. Why don't we get our Breadstix to go tonight?" Santana dipped her head to meet Quinn's eyes. "We can curl up at Britt's and chill, maybe watch a movie? I'll even let you pick this time!"
Quinn rolled her eyes and gave a nod, reaching out to squeeze Santana's hand. "Deal. But no bitching through the entire film again!"
"I would never!"
"Uh huh. You haven't heard what I'm choosing yet," Quinn shot the brunette a mischievous smile, blowing her a kiss as she scooped up her bag, caught Brittany as she spun past her and dragged her out of the choir room by the hand. "We'll wait in the parking lot for you."
Santana watched them go, a huge grin on her face as her heart swelled. She turned to Rachel only to find the girl staring at her with a strange look on her face. The diva blushed and looked away.
"You okay, Rachel?"
"Of course."
Santana nodded slowly as she watched the girl meticulously pack her sheet music away and zip her bag up before slipping it onto her shoulder. As Rachel moved to leave, Santana grabbed her and Britt's bags and fell into step beside her.
"So did you check if you were free this evening?"
Rachel stared at her as they reached the door. "I-I thought you weren't going tonight, I mean, I overheard about… Quinn…" She trailed off when Santana raised an eyebrow at her. "My apologies, I didn't mean to listen in. It's just…"
Santana cocked her head. "Just what?"
Rachel shook her head, a slight frown on her face as she seemed to be examining Santana, searching for something...
Before either of them could say another word the other door to the choir room burst open and Finn appeared in the doorway. His eyes landed on Rachel and his face lit up.
"There you are, Rach, I was waiting for you in the hallway. I figured we could talk duets while I walk you to your car?" He asked hopefully.
Santana couldn't help her smirk as Rachel barely managed to contain her annoyance. The diva glanced at her, almost pleadingly, spurring the Latina into action. She slung an arm around Rachel's shoulders as nonchalantly as she could; despite the girl stiffening under her she pushed on.
"Sorry, Hudson, I called first dibs. Rachel already promised me, Britt and Q a duet each so she's fully booked."
Finn frowned, his eyes darting between the pair by the other door. "That true, Rach?"
Santana held her breath as she waited for the diva's answer.
"It is indeed, Finn. I am going to be very busy next week!" Rachel gave the boy an apologetic smile before turning to address Santana. "Would you mind walking me to my car so we can start brainstorming? We don't have much time before Sectionals!"
Santana took her arm back and moved to open the door. "Lead on!"
Rachel beamed at her and barely even glanced at the tall boy watching them. "Goodbye, Finn."
The diva strode down the hallway, Santana at her side, neither saying a word until they were out of the school and in the parking lot. They wound their way through the last couple of cars until Rachel came to her own – Quinn and Brittany stood the other side of the parking lot by Santana's own car. The two brunette's stood in an awkward silence.
"I- Uh- I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable before. I didn't mean to but it won't happen again, I promise," Santana shuffled her feet, kicking the gravel about as she waited for Rachel to say… something, anything!
"You have nothing to apologise for, Santana. You got me out of an incredibly awkward situation with Finn that most likely would have resulted in him and I doing a duet, which is the last thing I want to do right now! So I am very grateful," Rachel gave the Latina one of her winning smiles.
Santana blinked dopily at the girl for a few seconds. The smile had caught her off guard. She hadn't seen it since before Regionals last year and she had been starting to think she never would see it again!
"Santana? Are you okay?" Rachel peered at her with concern.
"Yeah… I'm good, I just… I hadn't realised how much I've missed your smile…"
Rachel blushed. "That is very kind of you to say, Santana."
"Look, I gotta go," the ex-Cheerio glanced over her shoulder at the two blondes waiting for her. "Are you sure you don't wanna hit Breadstix with us? I know Britt wouldn't mind you coming back to hers, she really likes you."
"That is very kind of you, Santana, but I think Quinn needs you more than I do tonight," Rachel unlocked her car and placed her bag carefully on the back seat. She turned back to the Latina, realisation of what she had said hitting her. "Not-Not that I need you! That was just a-a saying… I should go." She scurried around to the driver's side and got in, almost trapping her foot in the door in her hurry.
A second later her car revved to life, her seatbelt was on and Rachel Berry was away out of the parking lot without another word or glance at the bemused girl stood watching her go.
"How was school today, Rach?" LeRoy watched his daughter carefully from across the dinner table.
"Fine, thank you, daddy." Rachel did not look up from her plate as she pushed her food about.
LeRoy sighed and shared a worried look with his husband next to him. This had been going on for months now. They had been hoping that it was just a sort of post-competition funk, and that once Rachel was back at school, back in Glee Club and working towards something again she would snap out of it… that had not happened and the men were at a loss how to fix it.
They had tried everything they could think of: sending her to a musical summer camp, getting her those extra vocal lessons she had wanted last year, spending more time with her doing family activities together, giving her space, being tough, being understanding, being more involved than ever in her life… still nothing seemed to be working!
For the first time ever, their daughter would not, or perhaps could not, tell them what was going on in her life. And it scared them. All they had ever wanted, from the moment they had laid eyes on her in the hospital, was to make her happy and feel loved and like she could do absolutely anything she ever dreamed of doing. Now… it was like a stranger was sat across from them and they just did not know how to get to know her again without stepping on any landmines.
"Sectionals is in two weeks, is that right? Mr. Schuester called earlier to ensure we had gotten the permission slip and to let us know that tickets are available." Hiram smiled hopefully from LeRoy to Rachel. When the girl didn't respond he pushed on. "Do you have your set list all picked out yet? I know there is a lot of talent in your club so I'm betting everyone is fighting you for the solo!"
"I don't think I'm going to do a solo this time."
"Wh-What?" LeRoy's mouth fell open. "How come?"
Rachel shrugged, laying her knife and fork carefully on her plate and folding her napkin back up. "Like dad said, we have a lot of really talented kids in Glee. They deserve a turn to shine too, don't they?" She finally met LeRoy's eyes.
"Well… yes, of course. But…" He looked to Hiram for help.
"I think what your father is trying to say is that… we're worried about you, Rach. You've-You've been acting so different lately and now, you're not even fighting for your solos?"
"They don't belong to me, dad, everyone deserves to enjoy them as much as I have." Rachel got to her feet, stacked their plates together and took them into the kitchen leaving the men very bewildered.
"Why did you bring that up?" LeRoy snapped at his husband.
"Well it was about time someone did! We need to know what's going on with her, how else are we going to figure out how to help?" Hiram squeezed LeRoy's hand and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Just trust me, love."
LeRoy gave a reluctant nod as Rachel reappeared.
"May I be excused? I have homework to get done." Without waiting for an answer, the diva turned on her heels and started towards the stairs.
"Rachel, wait!"
The girl froze before turning back to face her fathers and their worried expressions.
"Let us help you, Rach. Please."
"We just want to know what's going on with you so we can try and advise you correctly," LeRoy moved to rest his hands on his daughter's shoulders, gentle smile on his lips.
Rachel looked up into her father's eyes and felt her bottom lip quiver. Suddenly the image of Santana holding Quinn to her, massaging her temples with such care and love flashed before her eyes… "I don't… I don't think I'm a very good person, daddy."
LeRoy frowned but Rachel pushed on.
"I mean, I know I'm not a very nice person or particularly easy to get on with, but-but I'm trying to change that. I just… don't quite know how yet. Or even who I want to be now…" She trailed off, dashing a tear from her cheek.
"Oh, my beautiful girl!" LeRoy wrapped his strong arms around his daughter and held her close as she cried. He heard Hiram sniff loudly behind him and knew his husband would not be far behind with his own tears. "We love you no matter what, okay? You are perfect to us. But it's normal to not know who you are at your age, and it's normal to want to explore yourself too. So please don't ever think you have to hide anything from us. Your dad and I have been through all of that ourselves when we were teenagers." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You should have seen the bell bottoms and cowboy hat ensemble he wore all through senior year, it was horrifying!"
Rachel laughed weakly into his chest making LeRoy smile.
"You are still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. But!" He pulled away a little to look Rachel in the tear-stained face. "If you want to do some work on yourself and take some time to figure out what you want then we will support you a hundred percent. Just so long you are doing this for you, because you want to, and not because anyone else says you should, okay?"
Rachel nodded and buried her face back in his chest.
"We love you for exactly who you are, even if you don't know who that is yet."
Hiram appeared, wrapping his own arms around Rachel from behind and hugging them both to him. "You just tell us what you need from us and we will endeavour to do everything we can on our end to make things a little easier." His voice cracked as a sob escaped him. "We just love you so much and we want you to be happy."
The Berry family stayed stood at the bottom of the stairs for a little while longer, not quite ready to part yet. For the first time in months Rachel felt a sliver of hope at her fathers' words. She had been struggling alone, thinking that was how it was supposed to be, but she had been wrong – something that was still very difficult for Rachel Berry to admit, even to herself. She was not alone and she did not need to go through this alone.
Her mind strayed to the three girls sat next to her in Glee today and suddenly a piece of the puzzle fell into place.
AN: I adore the Berry men so I wanted them in the fic and I know it's quite early to have Rachel work her shit out but I promise you, it's far from worked out.
Keep on keeping on, guys! You're all awesome 3