Author's Note: Hello all, my apologies for taking a while to post this! My writing came to a screeching halt while dealing with everything moving house-wise and my mental health/dissociating has been real bad of late so I'm stuck like half way through chapter seven and it's driving me nuts!
Also apologies for not thanking everyone personally for their wonderful and kind reviews but you guys are awesome and your words mean so much to me! I hope everyone is doing well and just keep on keeping on! You're valid and I love you all.
Enjoy!
Maxx
Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing, except the brain in my skull but if anyone wants to swap sometime please just ask, mine is pissing me off!
Content Warning: This chapter contains scenes of assault/violence, mentions of homophobia based on religious beliefs, depictions of mental health issues and panic attacks, blood and vomit.
Please be safe.
Chapter Five
Sectionals was awkward, to say the least. Rachel barely said two words and wouldn't even look at the Unholy Trinity the entire competition. Once they had been announced as winners and everyone was heading backstage to get changed, the diva all but ran to grab her things before immediately heading out to her fathers, just mumbling something about getting a ride back with them to Mr. Schuester before she vanished.
Santana had been kind of thankful that Rachel kept her distance for the rest of the week too, she was still trying to get her emotions back under control. It was true that Santana had done a great deal of work on herself over the summer, she'd not really had a choice because it was figure her shit out or drive away the people she loved most. She was angry, short tempered, judgemental and a self-proclaimed bitch, her defense mechanism was sarcasm and threats, but at her core? Santana Lopez was a ball of confusion, pain and insecurities.
She had spent so goddamn long hating herself and being angry at the world because she didn't understand her feelings for girls, more specifically Brittany. She had her abuela in one ear telling her it was unnatural and against God, she had society telling her it made her different and different was bad and a punishable offense, she had her head telling her to just blend in and make it until college then she would be free… and then there was her heart. Her heart just wanted her to love and be loved, it just wanted her to be happy and stop hiding all the time!
Her heart just wanted Brittany. So Santana had a choice to make, and make it she did. But she wasn't dumb enough to think that that was all it would take. She knew it would be hard work, she knew it would take time and a conscious effort on her part, she knew she was going to get things wrong along the way and have to learn to adapt. So that's what she did. She made her own little family and it was them against the world.
I mean, what choice did she really have? Her abuela wanted nothing to do with her after Santana told her she was in love with Brittany, which hurt way more than she thought it would and brought everything crashing down. So she wallowed and tried to work past the fact that the woman who had loved her unconditionally all her life suddenly wanted nothing more to do with her shameful, sinful granddaughter. Her parents didn't really understand. They just sort of pretended it wasn't happening which was fine with Santana because nothing really changed in her home life; she was still allowed Quinn and Brittany over to stay in her room, they just had to be a little discrete when her parents were home as Santana wasn't quite certain what the lines were she shouldn't cross with them.
The biggest thing she had to work on though was herself. Her communication skills, her insecurities, her expectations – not only of herself but of other people too – and her need to keep people at arm's length. That is a lot for anyone, never mind a sixteen year old girl coming out in a small, backwater town in America! There were thousands of times when Santana didn't want to keep going, when she just wanted to curl up in bed and never go outside again, or when she thought how much easier it would all be to just go back to being bitchy, angry cheerleader Santana that everyone expected her to be.
If it hadn't been for the two beautiful, badass blondes sat either side of her in Glee Club right then, Santana knew she would have given up. They needed her to be better- no, they needed her to be herself, and she needed them in her life. In the end, there was no choice. She would do anything for her family.
Speaking of, Brittany and Quinn had been arguing all week long about what to do about Rachel. They thought Santana didn't know but as sneaky as Quinn could be, Brittany did not have a deceptive bone in her body. Brittany wanted them to keep trying with Rachel, extend an 'oily branch' and try and get to the heart of what was going on with the diva. The dancer was adamant that the girl just needed someone who understood what she was going through and would be there for her. Santana's heart had swelled when she had heard Brittany yelling it at Quinn while they thought she was in the shower.
However Quinn's rebuttal also struck a chord. Quinn's defences were on high alert now, especially where Rachel was concerned. She wanted them to keep their distance and close rank. She had been hurt enough, so had Santana, and they couldn't trust that the diva wouldn't do it again. To which Brittany had reminded Quinn of words Santana had said to them both many times: Rachel is a human being, and human beings make mistakes.
Santana had been very proud of her family, I mean, she always was, but in that moment she knew they would be okay no matter what happened.
"Santana?"
"Hmm? What?"
Will huffed and shook his head. "I don't know where your head has been lately but will you please pay attention!" The teacher stood in front of the Glee Club with his arms folded and a look of exasperation on his face. "I know we won at Sectionals last week and it was a well-deserved victory. But now we have Regionals to prepare for, and then Nationals after that! And we need to be ready for anything this year. God knows what Sue is going to throw at us this time around…" he trailed off with a shudder.
"Well I think we should get some direction from our team captains, Mr. Schue. They should be doing their jobs, keeping us motivated and on track," Quinn threw a pointed look Rachel's way.
"Actually that's a good point, Quinn. Rachel, Finn, I'm tasking you guys with finding the perfect song to get us all motivated next week!" Will jumped up and down on the spot and went into some mild pop and lock to the horror of the kids. "Something bouncy, something full of energy! I want to feel how excited you guys are for Regionals by the end of the song, okay?" He looked to the two captains expectantly.
"Sure thing, Mr. Schue, Rach and I can do that no problem. Right, Rach?" Finn grinned at the diva sat beside him.
Rachel managed to plaster a smile on her face and nodded. "Right. You can count on us, Mr. Schue."
"Excellent!" The teacher turned back to the piano, his mind back on their set list for Regionals already.
Santana could see how uncomfortable Rachel was with this, her small frame tense as Finn started talking at her about duets they could do and how much time they'd need to spend together working on this…
"What the fuck was that, Q?" The Latina hissed at the blonde to her right.
Quinn raised an eyebrow at her.
"I know you're pissed at her but you didn't have to do that. No one deserves having Hudson set on them!"
"If Rachel's so confused about things then she can use Finn as her test subject now, instead of you." The blonde softened, her fingers tracing Santana's jaw making the brunette's breath hitch. "When she's worked it out and done her experimenting then we can try again with her. But not before. For all our sakes, Santana, not just yours."
Santana leant towards Quinn just a little, her eyes darkening. Quinn tugged the girl the rest of the way into a kiss. It was tender and sweet, Quinn's scent made Santana's head swim a little, and left both girls tingling. When Santana finally opened her eyes again, she couldn't help but see Rachel watching them out of the corner of her eye. Something flashed across the diva's face, something Santana knew well: longing. When their eyes met Rachel didn't immediately turn away and it made Santana's heart jump. But then Finn touched Rachel's shoulder to get her attention and the connection was broken. Santana felt a growl crawl up her throat at the sight of Rachel flinching at Finn's touch. If it hadn't been for Quinn's firm grip on her arm, she knew she would have lunged at the boy.
The final bell had rung ten minutes ago but Santana refused to leave Rachel alone with Finn. The boy was leaning cockily against the locker beside Rachel's where the diva stood organising her books for the weekend's homework. Finn was talking to the girl but Rachel did not seem to be particularly in the mood to join in the conversation. Santana leant against the wall by the choir room, Brittany chattering happily in one ear and Quinn grumbling in her other. She hadn't taken her eyes off the diva since they had left Glee.
"So I'm free tonight, and all weekend, if you want to start on the assignment for Glee?"
"I have homework, Finn." Rachel could feel the eyes on her; not only Finn's but Santana's dark, intense ones down the hallway. It sent a tingle down her spine. "As do you, I'm sure. We will find an afternoon next week, perhaps one lunch time?" She didn't have to see Finn's face to know he was disappointed and had been hoping for some enthusiasm but she couldn't bring herself to care.
"I was sorta hoping we could get together after school, talk about it over dinner one night?" Finn hinted hopefully.
Rachel closed her locker with a sigh. "I don't think so, Finn. I told you I'm not interested in you like that."
The boy frowned. He pushed himself away from the lockers and fell in step beside the diva. "But… after what I said at Sectionals last year, I thought-"
"Exactly. What you said, Finn. I did not return the sentiment, did I?"
"Well… no, not exactly, I guess. But what about everything between us last year? You were pretty much all over me!" Finn sped up to keep up with Rachel as she tried to pull away from him.
"That was then, this is now. A lot has changed, Finn," Rachel could not stop herself from glancing at the three girls by the choir room as she passed them.
Finn followed her gaze and clocked the Latina's intense stare. Santana barely even noticed him though, her eyes so firmly locked on Rachel as the diva finally escaped Finn.
"Hey, what's your problem?" Finn called over to Santana.
All eyes went to the tall boy as he moved to square up to the Latina.
"What do you want, Hudson?" Santana turned her now stony glare on Finn. She felt Quinn bristle beside her. She encircled the girl's waist casually with an arm, her other hand finding Brittany's own as she sensed the anxiety spike in her girlfriend at Finn's sudden confrontation.
"Why have you been staring at Rachel like that?"
"Why is it any concern of yours who I stare at?"
Finn scowled at her, his hands flexing at his sides. "Because Rachel is my business. I love her."
The sharp laugh escaped Santana before she could stop it. Finn's scowl only deepened.
"Is that right?"
"Yes. It is. So I won't have you hurting her or playing any of your fucked up games with her, Santana!"
A smirk settled on Santana's face. "Whatever you say."
Finn took a step towards Santana then, her tone riling him up; suddenly Rachel was there, stood between them and staring up at the tall boy.
"Finn." The warning in her voice was clear.
Finn glanced down at the diva, who shook her head at him, before fixing his eyes back on Santana.
The Latina hadn't moved, hadn't flinched, didn't even seem fazed as the boy loomed over her with anger in his eyes.
"You're right, Rach. She's not worth it." Finn stepped back, his arm around Rachel as she steered him away from the girls and down the hallway.
Santana took off before Quinn or Brittany could stop her. She caught Rachel's hand and tugged the diva round to face her. "You don't have to do this, Rach. You don't have to be scared-"
Finn whipped round and shoved her away. "Get your filthy hands off her!"
Santana staggered backwards into the blondes who had hurried after her.
"Finn!" Rachel chastised the boy as he advanced on the Latina.
"That's enough, Finn!" Quinn, one arm protectively around Santana's waist, put herself in Finn's path. The fire in the blonde's eyes was enough to give him pause.
"Really, Quinn? Of all the people you could be with, why her?" He shook his head at her. "What happened to you? You used to be someone and now look at you-"
"Shut your fucking mouth!" Santana surged forward breaking free of Brittany and Quinn and shoved the boy as hard as she could in the chest. "You don't even deserve to fucking breathe the same air as her, don't you fucking dare speak to her like you know a goddamn thing that she went through, you waste of space!"
The Latina had caught Finn by surprise and had him staggering a step or two back. When the initial shock had passed the boy saw red. He barged past Rachel, the smaller girl desperately trying to drag him away, and slammed both hands square into Santana's chest as hard as he could. Santana went flying into the lockers behind her, barely missing Quinn and Brittany. Her head whipped back on impact cracking against the metal, she caught a glancing blow with her elbows and one of the handles, lock and all, caught her right on the shoulder blade. The noise of the impact echoed all around the hallway, as did the girl's cry of pain as she crumpled to the floor.
Panic ripped through the watching girls. All three rushed to Santana's side.
"Fuck! S!"
"San!"
"Santana!"
Finn frowned and moved to stop Rachel. "Rach, what are you-"
"I think you need to leave, Finn." The diva snapped at him as she placed herself between him and Santana.
"But-"
"Now!" The diva glared at him with anger in her eyes, shocking the boy into silence. He backed away, his hands up as if she were about to go for his throat.
When he had finally vanished down the hallway Rachel turned and crouched beside Santana, her hands shaking as she tried to remember the first aid her fathers had taught her about possible head injuries. Suddenly she was being dragged to her feet, a hand wrapped painfully tight around her wrist, and pulled away from Santana.
"You need to go too," Quinn snarled at her. "You've caused nothing but pain and heartache for us. And now this?"
"Quinn, please, I never meant for any of this to happen!" Rachel winced as the blonde finally let go of her. "I just want to help-"
"I don't give a fuck what you want, Rachel!"
"Quinn!" Brittany called over, fear lacing her voice.
"Just stay away from us," Quinn whirled and shot back over to where Brittany was knelt by the Latina. "Britt? What is it?"
Brittany had gone very pale. She had been trying to get Santana to show her what hurt, but all the brunette could do was clutch her head. When Brittany finally managed to examine her girlfriend's head a little, probing gently with her fingers, they came away bloody. Quinn's eyes widened.
"We need to get her to hospital, Britt. Where's your phone?"
"At home."
"Fuck. Mine's dead…"
"I'm sorry, I forgot it, I'm so stupid!" Brittany's voice shook, her face lined with panic.
"No, you're not, Britt. But I need you to take a breath please-"
"Find something to keep pressure on the wound," Rachel stood where Quinn had left her, phone in hand. "The paramedics are on the way, but you have to get Santana talking and keep her conscious."
Quinn dug in her bag for her spare clothes. She folded up a t-shirt and, after prying Santana's hands away, she pressed it firmly to the back of the girl's head and held it there.
Brittany shifted to sit in front of Santana, her legs crossed, and took both of her girlfriend's hands in her own. "San? San, please talk to me." She squeezed her hands, massaging the girl's palms with her thumbs until Santana looked up at her. A brilliant smile lit Brittany's face. "Hey, San, I need your help. Do you remember when you, me and Quinn went to Breadstix for the first time together when it first opened?"
Santana nodded, but winced and quickly stopped. "Yeah, course I do, Britt-Britt."
"I wanted to try everything all at once, but you told me that would be too much food even for the three of us. Right?"
"You'd have thrown up everywhere, Britt. And then your mom wouldn't have let us take you out to eat again," Santana spoke slowly, her voice quiet as the throbbing in her head got worse. "And Q's mom woulda killed her if she'd had that many carbs."
"I know, you always look out for us. But can you remember what I had? I wanted to have it tonight so I've been trying to remember all day."
"I dunno, Britt, was it pasta?"
Brittany nodded earnestly. "Yes, with cheese!"
The corners of Santana's mouth curled a little. "Of course. What type of pasta was it? Noodles?"
"I don't think so, I would have remembered tying them all together. What are the pretty ones called? The ones that look little bows?" Brittany tugged on Santana's hands when the girl's head started to drop.
"Umm… bows… Farfalle, I think," Santana let out a quiet chuckle. "You tried to put them in Q's hair and she got mad 'cuz they had sauce on them."
"Oh yeah!"
"Then she stormed off to the bathroom when you tried it again."
"I don't know why, I cleaned them that time!" Brittany shrugged.
"She was pissed 'cuz your idea of cleaning them was licking the sauce off with your tongue, Britt."
Quinn couldn't help but join in with Santana's laughter.
Brittany looked perplexed. "She was mad I got sauce in her hair so I got rid of the sauce!"
Rachel stood a few feet away watching the scene, cell phone still clutched in her hand in a death grip. Her heart beat so hard and so fast in her chest. She wanted so badly to go over there and hold Santana's hand, laugh with them, do whatever she could to ensure the Latina was okay… but she knew she would only make things worse. If it hadn't been for her, Finn would never have hurt the girl. If she had just kept herself to herself then none of this would have happened! Suddenly Rachel couldn't seem to catch her breath; it came out in short, sharp gasps and she started to feel light headed.
The girls huddled by the lockers couldn't help but notice the diva as she paced, hands balled into fists, struggling to get any air into her lungs. Santana started to stand, her eyes on Rachel. Quinn managed to catch the Latina as she wobbled and her legs gave out on her and nausea hit.
"You need to stay still, S. You can't be worrying about anyone else but yourself right now!" Quinn put a firm hand on the girl's shoulder until she stopped trying to stand up.
"She needs us, Q."
"You are the only person I give a fuck about at the moment, S-"
"Please?" Santana caught hold of Quinn's hand and held it to her cheek, pressing a gentle kiss into her palm.
Quinn's eyebrows knit together and her heart clenched at the desperation in Santana's eyes. She pressed a kiss to the Latina's forehead. "Okay. But do not move and keep talking to Brittany or I will come right back over!"
Santana watched thankfully as the blonde straightened and strode over to the diva. Quinn grabbed Rachel's shoulders and spun her until they were face to face. She snapped her fingers in the girl's line of sight to get her attention.
"I need you to listen to me, Rachel. I need you to focus on my voice." Quinn didn't wait for a response from the diva. "You're having a panic attack right now. It's fucking terrifying, I know, but you can get through it. I just need you to do what I say."
Rachel managed to nod, still struggling to take more than gasps of air.
"I'm going to put your hand on my chest, and I'm going to put mine on yours."
Rachel's eyes widened a little when Quinn did just that.
"I want you to focus on my chest moving up and down under your hand as I breathe. I want you to focus on the feel of my hand - let it ground you."
For a long time there was no sound save Rachel's stuttery breathing and Quinn's deep and slow breaths as the girl's stared into each other's eyes. Santana and Brittany watched them cautiously, Brittany still holding the now bloody t-shirt firmly to the back of Santana's head. Finally, Rachel felt her heart rate slowing. Her lungs didn't feel like they were being squeezed by unseen hands anymore and she found she could match her breathing to Quinn's soon after.
"Better?"
Rachel nodded. She brought her free hand up to cover Quinn's that rested on her chest. "Thank you, Quinn."
Quinn swallowed thickly, her eyes flickering to their hands, Rachel's fingers curled around her own.
The sound of a siren getting closer broke the spell and Quinn pulled away. She turned without another word and headed down the hallway and outside to meet the ambulance. Rachel let out a long, deep breath. Her hand instinctively going to where she could still feel the warmth of the blonde's on her chest. She met Santana's questioning gaze and nodded gratefully.
"I don't give a flying fuck about hospital policy! She's my fucking girlfriend, my fucking family and I deserve to know what's going on!" Quinn lent over the nurses' station at the unfortunate soul currently manning it. "At the very least just let me know if she's fucking okay!"
Nurse Jack, a short man with a shock of red hair, was glancing desperately about him for help but all the other nurses had wisely decided to make themselves scarce. "M-Miss. Fabray, I know you're upset and you're worried but I don't actually know anything yet. She was sent down to X-Ray to-"
"A fucking hour ago!"
"I-I know, but these things can take time! We are a busy hospital so we-"
Quinn slammed her hands on the desk, fighting back the tears that threatened to overflow. She couldn't let that happen. Because once it started she didn't think she would be able to stop it and she needed to be strong. For Brittany, and for Santana. "Just-Just please page Doctor Lopez again. He should be here."
"Y-Yes, of course. I-I really am sorry," the nurse, for his part, did look as if he felt bad about the whole thing. He could see how scared the poor girl was underneath her anger and cursing.
Quinn turned away from the desk and stalked back over to where Brittany and Rachel sat at the far corner of the waiting room. "Fucking useless. Fucking bullshit rules. I'm as much her family as her useless father is, fucking more so!"
Brittany reached for Quinn and pulled her onto her lap. The dancer wrapped the seething girl up tight, one hand rubbing Quinn's back gently, soothingly until the girl let her head fall onto Brittany's shoulder. "It's okay, Quinn, you did your best. But San's where she needs to be, right?"
Quinn grumbled but nodded anyway.
"So we just have to trust that they know how to make her better, okay?"
"I know, Britt, but not knowing what's happening, not knowing if she's okay or not is fucking killing me. I feel like I'm going insane…" Quinn buried her face in Brittany's neck.
Brittany could only nod and make sure Quinn was safe and comfortable in her arms. That was especially important now more than ever because… because Santana wasn't safe in her arms anymore and there was nothing any of them could do about that. What Brittany could do was take care of the girls with her now. And yes, that included the silent diva sat opposite them.
"How you doing, Rach?" Brittany cocked her head at the diva.
"Don't worry about me right now, Brittany," Rachel's voice was a little hoarse and her smile strained. "Just look after Quinn." She stood and headed out of the waiting room, past the nurse's station and out of the doors towards the pick-up/drop-off zone.
She hadn't gotten more than a few feet from the hospital before she felt the bile rising in her throat; she ran to the nearest garbage can and threw up. Once her stomach was empty and the nausea had mostly passed, Rachel straightened up. She felt a hand on her back, rubbing circles, while another came into her field of vision and offered her a tissue to wipe her mouth. Her eyes followed the arm up until she met the familiar warm brown eyes of her father.
LeRoy had gotten wind of the situation when Dr. Lopez was paged. When the man didn't answer the second page, a nurse had come to find him and had run into LeRoy instead. He hadn't even known Rachel was involved until he had seen her rushing out of the waiting room on his way to speak to the Lopez girl's friends.
"D-Daddy…" Rachel sniffed, gulping heavily she hid her face away, safe in her father's arms. "It was all my fault. I messed everything up and now S-Santana's hurt and no one will tell us what's going on and Quinn's furious and Brittany's trying to be strong, but they're both so scared, daddy! So am I. I just want to know that she's okay, please?"
LeRoy's heart broke as he listened to his daughter tearfully and haltingly recount the awful incident at school. He couldn't bear to see her like this, and he didn't for one second believe any of this was her fault. She didn't shove Santana into that locker, Finn Hudson did. That giant of a boy did not know his own strength and now he had hurt someone. But as LeRoy stood there, letting the words tumble from Rachel as he held her, he started to suspect Rachel's feelings for the Lopez girl were something rather complex and possibly of the romantic variety. It finally dawned on him that his daughter's terrible mood after her Breadstix date last week could have something to do with Santana, and not some boy as he had initially suspected. He had no idea why it hadn't occurred to him that his own daughter might not be heterosexual. It seemed he was just as guilty of heteronormativity as the rest of the world. He was going to have to have a conversation with Hiram when he got home!
"Okay, sweetie, listen to me," LeRoy bent so he could look his daughter in the eye, dabbing at her tears with a tissue. "I'm going to head back inside and I'm going to find out what's happening in regards to Santana and then I will come back and find you and…"
"Brittany and Quinn."
"And Brittany and Quinn, and I will give you all an update. How does that sound?"
Rachel nodded, still sniffing a little, and proceeded to throw her arms around her father's shoulders and squeeze him tight. She pulled away a minute later with a mumbled 'thank you' and watched as LeRoy strode back into the hospital with purpose. She remained outside for a little while longer, putting herself back together and taking some deep calming breaths so she didn't freak out the girls waiting for her inside.
When she returned it was to the sight of Brittany singing softly to the girl in her arms, Quinn drifting off slowly; her breathing slow and even, her head tucked under Brittany's chin. Brittany smiled at her as Rachel sat back down opposite. The diva's heart ached at how soft the girls were, how much love she saw in Brittany, how much trust she saw in Quinn… these girls loved each other completely and unconditionally. Their relationship was more than just what the rest of the Glee Club had assumed. Most of the Glee kids had thought that Santana was just a player, that Quinn was just rebelling and that Brittany was just dumbly following them both. But they couldn't have been more wrong.
There was nothing dumb about Brittany, no rebelling from Quinn, and Santana was the furthest thing from some fuckboy player. All she could see was love, trust, respect, kindness… all the things Rachel knew made up a family, or should anyway. Their birth families had failed them, their peers at school did not understand them, most of the world still thought their love and their relationship unnatural – so these three girls had decided to make and define their own family instead.
Then in came Rachel, blindly stumbling about, stick her nose into things and getting herself involved where she did not belong. She had seen how protective the Latina was of Brittany and Quinn, and it had not escaped her notice that Santana had been looking out for her too. She should never have let it happen, should never have asked for Santana's help or gotten her involved – especially when she knew Finn was still so stuck in love with her and would not take no for an answer!
The diva sighed and slumped back in her seat, eyes closed. Brittany's voice was lovely and soothing; she could not make out the words to the song but it sounded familiar and made Rachel smile. It wasn't long before she too felt herself drifting off to sleep. She only wished it was in Santana's arms, or Brittany's, or even Quinn's…
AN: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I know there's a lotta angst and drama but needs must! Can't be any comfort without the hurt first =S