Author's Note: I thought I'd celebrate my first full week in my new house by posting a chapter for all you lovely people =) plus I just finished chapter eleven and started chapter twelve so there's that too! My landlord had the cleaners in to sort the upstairs carpets out as they are filthy and dog-scented, so I'm currently hiding in my lounge with my furbabies doing some unpacking.
Anywho, thank you to the awesome people who reviewed, and for all new favourites and follows I've gotten this week! It makes me so damn happy! I know I write for myself and to deal with my stuff, but it's really nice to know that people are enjoying my work and appreciate it too.
Much love,
Maxx
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the every growing collection of Pop! and Assassin's Creed figures in my lounge XD
Trigger/Content Warning: This chapter contains a scene of self-harm and blood (first scene), mentions of assault (third scene) and mentions of mental health issues and self-harm throughout - please stay safe!
Chapter Nine
Santana's hands shook as she gripped the sink. Her breath came out in loud hisses between her clenched teeth. She glanced at herself in the bathroom mirror and curled her lip in disgust – this was all her fault. No, not all her fault. But if she went to jail for killing Finn then she would never get to hold her girls again and her life would not be worth living. No. She could blame herself, punish herself and it wouldn't matter. And she needed someone to hurt for this. She needed to get this anger, this disgust, this pain, this heartache out some way, somehow before she fucking exploded and took the entire state with her.
Crack.
Her first punch sent a jarring pain up her arm and put a little crack in the mirror.
Crack.
Her second, with more force behind it this time, was no longer out of reflex and it sent jagged lines running through the mirror from the point of impact. Santana's eyes locked on her own reflection; seeing only the person who failed to protect her family. She wanted to hurt. Him, mostly, but she would do too.
Crack!
Her third punch shattered the mirror completely and bust her knuckles open. Blood stained shards rained down to the ground and into the sink. Santana did not flinch. Her breath came hard and fast now, her eyes closed and fists balled at her sides. She channeled everything, all her emotions – good and bad - into her hand and-
Thud.
Her fist connected with where the mirror used to be, leaving a bloody mark on the wall. Her hand throbbed, she had jarred her wrist and she could feel the blood running between her fingers now. The pain was good. It cleared her head, focused her mind.
Thud.
A grunt slipped from her mouth. That one really fucking hurt. She drew in a deep breath and held it.
Thud.
She let out the breath in a loud gasp as her fist connected with the wall. Good. That was good. She could think again. Her hand fucking hurt, throbbed, bled… it blocked out the shit going on in her head, focused her attention away from the darkness attempting to take her over.
Santana inspected her wounds with rough fingers. She moved to another sink and turned the cold water on. It stung like a fucking bitch when she put her hand under the running water, making her wince and grit her teeth. But she couldn't help the pained smile that slipped onto her face. She was under no assumptions that what she had done was incredibly dangerous and had the potential to scar her for life. But she hadn't seen any other way. Not in that moment.
She knew she should have stayed with Quinn. She knew she should have told the girl what was going on in her head, talked it out with her, cried it out if she had to… that would have been the healthy, well-adjusted, sensible thing to do. The smart thing to do, even. But Santana never claimed to be any of those things. It had taken everything in her not to find out where Finn was and beat him until he was black and blue, until he was bloody, until he was no longer recognisable as Finn… until he no longer breathed. She had wanted to do that. No one hurts her family. No one.
The part of her that still had rational thought and logic had managed to talk her out of it and guided her footsteps to the bathroom instead. It knew that she was going to punch something so had tried to minimise the damage to just herself. Yeah, still not great, she agreed, but her mind had been so full of dark thoughts and pain and anguish that she couldn't see past it, couldn't think of the 'healthy' thing to do in that moment. So she had done what she needed to so her mind was her own again and she could think logically.
Now that she could, Santana knew she had fucked up. She knew Quinn was going to be fucking livid, especially after all their conversations and all the support she had given to the blonde to try and help her get past her self-destructive habits. She knew Brittany was going to be so fucking sad, so fucking guilty and confused and hurt… they talked about everything, why couldn't Santana have talked to them about this?
"Fuck!" Santana clenched her fist hard, sending pain shooting through her whole arm. The pain and the release of cursing focused her mind again and she pushed those thoughts back for now. She would deal with them after…
After she had dealt with Finn.
When Rachel glanced over at the Nurse's office door again, Santana was gone and Quinn was stood there, flexing her fingers, looking like she couldn't decide what to do. The blonde's eyes were glued to the door like she was waiting for Santana to come back, but after a few moments Quinn shook her head and turned towards Rachel and Brittany. Rachel met the blonde's gaze – it was conflicted and hard but softened almost instantly. Quinn made her way over to the girls and sat beside Rachel.
"Where's Santana?" The words left Rachel's mouth before she could stop them, a tinge of fear in her voice.
"She…" Quinn swallowed hard. She had been about to make up some excuse, but she just couldn't do it, not with the way the diva was looking at her with such wide, desperate eyes. "She needed some space to think."
Rachel frowned at her, moving to get up. Quinn caught her hand and guided her back into her chair as gently as she could.
"She'll be back, I promise. Just… give her a little time." The blonde nodded firmly, taking Rachel's hand and linking their fingers together. "Britt and I have got you, okay?"
The diva chewed on her bottom lip, knees jerking up and down as her feet were unable to stay still. Quinn caught Brittany's eye and knew the dancer was thinking the same – they needed to get Rachel away from this Goddamn place and back home. The girl was anxious as fuck and they both knew she wouldn't be able to relax until she was far, far away from here.
"Mrs. Nurse?" Brittany piped up, fixing the woman with her best puppy dog eyes. "We have to take Rachel home now."
It wasn't a question but the Nurse answered anyway, a frown on her face. "I haven't finished Miss. Berry's paperwork yet and I still need to let Principal Figgins know, so you'll have to-"
Brittany stood and took the two steps from their chairs to the Nurse's desk and lent against it until she was eye to eye with the woman. "We… have… to… take… Rachel… home. Now."
The Nurse's eyes widened a little at the sudden change in the girl. A moment ago it had been all sweetness and light and now Brittany hadn't blinked in about a minute. "Uhh… Figgins…" she let out weakly.
"Don't worry about the Principal, San is gonna take care of that. So while she's saving you a job, I think you should let all our teachers know that we won't be in for the rest of the day," Brittany's tone had an edge to it but her smile was still in place, bright as ever.
"Britt?"
Brittany turned her head just a little towards Quinn but did not break eye contact with the Nurse.
"The report?"
Brittany nodded and turned her full attention back to the woman shrinking before her. "I know you haven't finished it yet but we'd like to have a look at your paperwork concerning Rachel."
The Nurse opened her mouth to argue, to tell the unblinking blonde that it was private and confidential, but no words came out. She just nudged the papers towards the girl with her pen. Brittany's smile widened and she finally blinked as she took the report and turned, handing it to Quinn.
Quinn scanned it quickly, murmuring as she read. Once she reached the end her head whipped up and her eyes narrowed at the Nurse. "Pen." She held out her hand.
When the woman didn't move, Quinn raised an eyebrow and snapped her fingers until she handed over the pen. Quinn leant on the Nurse's desk and crossed out a few things, added something here and there then scribbled something at the end before handing it back.
The Nurse read over her report again, mouth falling open. "You can't just… I'll have to do the whole report again now!"
Quinn stared her down as she carefully tugged Rachel to her feet. "So do it again. And do it properly this time. This was not an accident or some teenage hormones gone wrong. This was assault. By Finn Hudson. Don't you dare try and fucking sugar coat this to protect him. Just do your fucking job!"
The girls filed out of her office leaving the Nurse to stare after them, paperwork clutched in her hands, mouth hanging open.
Figgins' office was already pretty crowded by the time Santana got there. She counted six people, including Principal Figgins and… Finn… She sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, counting to ten in her head. She did it twice more until she got a handle on her murderous rage again. Something else stopped her then. Something she hadn't told Quinn or Brittany when she had initially declared she wasn't going to report the assault.
Her pride. It was dumb, and egotistical of her, she knew that. But the galumphing boy had gotten the best of her, he had overpowered her and beaten her. He had seen her weak and bleeding, defeated at his feet and it had hurt almost as much as her head had. He had made her feel weak and helpless. It still unsettled her as she thought about it then. She was supposed to be Santana fucking Lopez, badass bitch from the wrong side of the tracks! She didn't cower, she didn't back down and she damn well didn't lose to no knuckle-dragging, chromosomally-challenged douchebag like Finn. So going in there and telling everyone that he'd hurt her, that he'd gotten the better of her…
Santana shook the thoughts from her head viciously. No. That was the old her. The person who gave a fuck what people thought about her, who cowed down to social pressure and societal norms. That wasn't her anymore. She had come too far to let her pride get in the way again, as it had for so many years and made her so unhappy. She needed to do this. She needed to be brave for her girls and go in there and do whatever it took to ensure Finn never hurt them again.
With that thought blazing through her mind, Santana set her jaw, squared her shoulders and marched into Figgins' office.
"…I don't understand what you're saying, Kurt, that just doesn't sound like Finn!"
"Do you really think I would lie about something like this, dad? Seriously?" Kurt, hand splayed on his chest, snapped at Burt.
Burt sighed. "No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of things because-"
"Because you can't possibly imagine golden boy Finn would do anything like that!" Sarcasm dripped from Kurt and made Santana like the boy a little again. But since he was part of Finn's ploy to get Rachel alone she had lost a great deal of trust in him.
"Kurt, Mr. Hummel, please!" Figgins stood, his hands up to quieten them. He spotted Santana then and frowned. "Santana? I thought you weren't returning to school until next week? Are you feeling better?"
Everyone turned to look at Santana then. Everyone except Finn who went rigid in his seat and kept his eyes firmly glued to his shoes, one hand holding an ice pack to his junk. Santana smirked, Brittany had really gotten him good – she was proud. She turned her eyes on Figgins.
"No. I'm not. I'm still recovering from a concussion, a head injury and having a number of stitches in my back and head." She kept her voice low but calm, ensuring every single one of them was listening to her.
"What kinda school are you running here, Figgins? How are all your students getting hurt so badly? Huh?" Burt rounded on Figgins.
Figgins could only open and close his mouth helplessly. He had no idea. So Santana would have to enlighten him.
"Do you really want to know, Mr. Hummel?"
Burt looked back at Santana. He didn't know the girl well, Kurt wasn't particularly close with her so he didn't mention her much. But he knew they were in Glee Club together and he remembered Kurt telling him how happy he was that she'd finally come out of the closet because she was much less abrasive and much easier to get along with afterwards. But the hard look in her eyes told him she wasn't going to be that easy to get along with now…
"Well," Burt cleared his throat, glancing sideways at his silent wife and his fuming son. "We were kinda in the middle of something right now-"
"Oh, I know. Finn sexually assaulting Rachel. I've been informed and I've seen Rachel. She's a fucking mess, by the way, if anyone gives a fuck?" She looked around the room, meeting everyone's eyes pointedly. Except Finn. He just shrank into his seat.
Figgins opened his mouth to chastise her for her language but the look she gave him was so full of fury that he snapped his mouth shut again.
"But no. I'm here to report an assault of my own."
Burt frowned, Figgins' eyes widened and Kurt jerked his head around to look at his step-brother.
"You didn't…" Kurt trailed off, still staring at Finn.
"He did." Santana met Kurt's eyes unwaveringly. She took a breath to steady herself before turning to Figgins and saying what she should have said days ago. She told Figgins everything that had happened after Glee Club last Friday. Half way through she heard Kurt mumble 'oh sweet Streisand' and saw Burt sit down, his head in his hands, out of the corner of her eye. "…then I went after Rachel to tell her… something, I can't remember what exactly, but the next thing I knew Finn had his hands on me and I was slammed against the lockers, bleeding and barely able to stay conscious." She frowned, annoyed at her own memories, or lack thereof. "I spent the night in the Emergency room getting CT'd, X-Rayed, poked, prodded and stitched up. Oh and throwing up… a lot! Head injuries, they're a bitch!" She rolled her eyes before folding her arms across her chest and staring at Figgins to let the man know she was done now.
The silence was deafening. Figgins could only stare at her, which infuriated her no end. A sob broke the silence then, it came from the left of her where Finn's mom was sitting. The woman had her face buried in her husband's chest, his arm around her and a pained look on his face. Santana sighed.
"If you want proof I'll get my medical records and you can talk to Britt and Quinn, and even Rachel if you really have to. But not before next week!" She hissed, brandishing a finger at Figgins. "She's been through enough so leave her the fuck alone for now."
"Language, please, Santana. But…" The Principal glanced about the room. "I think that's probably for the best. I need to deal with this situation first."
Santana nodded and stepped back to lean against the wall. Figgins looked at her expectantly.
"I'm not going anywhere until I know you've actually dealt with this instead of just sweeping it under the rug or downplaying it because he's a straight, white boy. That Zero-Tolerance policy you like to pull outta your ass when it suits you better be the next thing I hear outta your mouth, or we're gonna have a problem." Santana folded her arms across her chest, only just managing to contain her hiss of pain as she jostled her damaged left hand in the process.
Figgins kept his composure and turned to Burt and Carole. "We do have a Zero-Tolerance Policy here about violence in all its forms, Mr. Hummel, Mrs. Hudson-Hummel." He addressed the still silent couple in a no-nonsense tone. "We will be investigating these matters as fully as we are able," he glanced pointedly at Santana. "But until that time, until we have gotten to the bottom of this, Finn is suspended indefinitely. Effective immediately. And he is not allowed back on school grounds until either the suspension is lifted or he is invited on personally by myself or the School Board to attend any meetings or to attend his hearing." He nodded firmly, slapping his desk with one hand and sitting back in his chair.
Santana grit her teeth but gave the man a nod. That would have to do for now. But that did not mean she was done with Finn in any way shape or form. She was going to make the boy bleed, make him beg, scream for his mommy until he was hoarse. She was going to make him regret ever laying a finger on Rachel if it was the last thing she ever did. She turned abruptly on her heels and left.
A second later she heard hurried footsteps behind her but she did not slow down. Kurt appeared beside her and kept pace, his face paler than usual, bag clutched tightly to his shoulder.
"I had no idea what he was planning-"
Santana rounded on the boy, fire in her eyes as she backed him into the lockers. "I don't give a fuck if you had any idea or not, Kurt. You got my girls hurt."
The boy squeaked in surprise but did not cower. He held her angry gaze and spoke with as much sincerity as he could muster. "I know. And I will never forgive myself for that. But I swear to you, Santana, I just thought he wanted to apologise to her. He said that was all, because he had upset her last week and hadn't had a chance to explain his side. I thought…" Kurt swallowed hard. "I thought I was helping my brother make up with the girl he loved. I had no idea he was capable of… of…" He shook his head, disgust plain on his face.
Santana narrowed her eyes at him.
"If I could take it all back, I would. But I can't. So tell me what I can do to help. Anything at all and I'll do it."
"Anything?"
Kurt had never been Santana's biggest fan but he had seen the changes in the girl this year and he admired her for coming out and finally trying to be herself, for loving exactly who she loved without apology – even if the rest of the morons in Glee, in this school, in this backwater town didn't seem to understand. He had been where she had been, he had struggled, he had imagined all the ways his dad might disown him, imagined him screaming at him or kicking him out a thousand times when he came out. He had faced years of bullying and slushies and dumpsters. The difference between them though? Kurt had never been anyone but himself, he had been free and safe enough to just be without worrying about the consequences or that it could be wrong - all thanks to his loving mother and his supportive father. But Santana obviously had not had that and so society had shamed her and shaped her for the worse. For that's what she was, a product of a society that had a very narrow world view and raised up those who stayed in line and fit in, while demonising and punishing those who dared to dream and be their authentic selves.
So when Santana had walked through the choir room door that first day back, fingers linked with Brittany and Quinn, Kurt had felt his heart soar and tears well up. He had so badly wanted to run and hug them all fiercely and proudly. But, and he was ashamed to admit this, he was still wary of the girl and wanted proof that she really had changed. As the weeks went by Kurt had seen it with his own eyes: the way Santana cared so much for her girlfriends, how she was so open with her affection, how she was a little softer, smiled more, seemed to genuinely enjoy her time in Glee… He felt even guiltier now that he had not gone and spoken to her before. He should have supported them. He should have educated the Glee kids; he heard the way they gossiped about The Unholy Trinity, how they thought their relationship weird and that it 'wouldn't last'.
He should have been a Goddamn ally to them all, he should have been better! But now was his chance. Even though the way Santana was glaring at him - fire dancing in her eyes, jaw clenched, stance threatening – was just about the most terrifying thing he had ever seen and he genuinely thought she might kill him on the spot… Kurt wanted a chance to make up for his error in judgement, both in Finn and in The Unholy Trinity. Because he had truly been wrong about both.
"I will do anything to earn your trust back, Santana. Rachel, Brittany and Quinn's too." He waited with bated breath while she scrutinized him, her eyes scanning his face not missing a thing.
After a very long few seconds had passed, Santana nodded stiffly. "You can start by keeping your prick of a step-brother far, far away from Rachel. And away from Quinn and Britt too. If I so much as catch a whiff of him anywhere near them I am holding you personally responsible. Is that clear?"
Kurt nodded quickly, letting out the breath he had been holding as the girl finally stepped away from him. Sweet Streisand, she could still be terrifying when she wanted to be!
"Good. You will also personally apologise to all three of them for your part in all this and find ways to make it up to each one of them individually. Once you've done all that, and I've beaten your step-brother to within an inch of his worthless life, we might just be able to move past this."
Kurt waited for Santana to crack a smile or chuckle or say… something to let him know that she hadn't actually been serious about doing that to Finn but the Latina did nothing. She just continued to stare at him with that same hard glare. She raised an eyebrow at him impatiently.
"Kurt?" She snapped.
Kurt flinched and stuttered out his agreement to her terms before watching Santana turn without another word, hair flipping wildly as she did, and disappear down the hallway just as the bell rung and she was obscured by the crowd of students.
Quinn drummed her fingers on the hood of Santana's car, her eyes darting, head jerking about at every sound. Brittany and Rachel were stashed safely in the backseat of the Latina's car already, Rachel tucked tightly into Brittany's side as the dancer hummed softly rocking them both. The rocking was mostly for Brittany's benefit, Quinn knew, but it seemed to be just as effective in calming Rachel down as it was at calming Brittany.
The main doors to the school opened and Quinn's head whipped around. Her eyes landed on Santana, making her way quickly down the steps towards them. The blonde let out a sigh of relief but it was cut short when she noticed something wrapped around the Latina's left hand. No… she wouldn't have… she didn't…
Santana had reached the car and had her keys in hand. "Come on, we need to go."
"What the hell happened to your hand?" Quinn reached for the girl but Santana snatched herself away.
"Get in the fucking car. Now."
Quinn's eyes widened and her eyebrows almost vanished into her hairline. Santana was already in the car, starting the engine and did not notice. After a moment, Quinn followed suit and before she could blink they were out of the school parking lot and speeding away. No one spoke for a few minutes but the tension was palpable. Before Quinn could break the silence, Rachel spoke up from the backseat.
"Where are we going?"
Santana glanced at her in her rear-view mirror and softened a little. "I'm taking you home, Rach. We need to get you cleaned up and… and tell your dads what happened."
Rachel's eyes widened at her words.
"You don't have to say a word about anything, if you don't want to, okay? We can tell them, or we can stay with you while you tell them. It's totally your call."
Rachel knew Santana was right. Her fathers needed to hear it from her before they got a call from the school and freaked out. Thankfully they were both finishing early today and would be home by five, that gave her… about three hours to prep what she was going to say she just… she didn't think she could face saying it out loud again. She had already had to tell the Nurse three times, and had just about managed to choke it out to Quinn and Brittany when she had calmed down enough. She just wanted to forget it ever happened and fall asleep in her girls'- uh someone's arms, safe and secure.
"I… I don't think I can tell them. I don't think I'll even be able to look at them… Can-Can you please-"
"Of course. Don't worry about it, we got you." Santana sent the diva a smile that melted her heart. It was soft and sincere and made her feel like she was the only person in the world.
A blush coloured Rachel's cheeks as she dragged her eyes away from Santana's. Even after… after everything that today had thrown at her, all it took was a few words and a smile from Santana to make her heart flip flop in her chest and her mind stop racing for a few precious moments. She snuggled back into Brittany's side, content in the dancer's arms for the rest of the drive.
They pulled into Rachel's driveway and the diva let them all in. Brittany had not let go of Rachel's hand yet, the dancer rubbing soothing circles into her palm with her thumb. It made Rachel feel funny – tingly and goose bump-y and warm all over. Brittany tugged Rachel through the house towards the stairs as if she had been in the Berry house countless times already.
"Come on, Rach, let's go get you cleaned up," the dancer started up the stairs before Rachel could stop her.
"But… what about-"
"It's best if we leave them to it for a little while. They need to… talk," Brittany shrugged, an earnest smile on her face.
Rachel saw the dancer's eyes go to Santana and Quinn where they stood by the door and something flashed across Brittany's face. It was only for a split second but Rachel could have sworn she saw such a heart-breaking look of sadness. But then Brittany was smiling at her brightly again and tugging her up the stairs. Somehow, the girl found her room on the first try and led Rachel to her bed, pushing her gently to sit on it. She pressed play on Rachel's stereo and turned it up.
Rachel watched silently as Brittany spun and busied herself rooting in the diva's closet and chest of drawers, pulling out a few items of clothing and slinging them over her shoulder. The blonde hummed happily to herself as she did so, making Rachel smile. Brittany was infectious – her smile, her laugh, her attitude, her easy-going, fun loving nature, her sweetness – Rachel liked everything about the girl and she could see very clearly why Santana and Quinn had fallen for her. Yet there was something a little mysterious about Brittany too and it intrigued Rachel. The dancer was incredibly dedicated and talented, she was resilient and observant, and had a way with words that seemed both nonsensical and genius at the same time.
Brittany was back in front of Rachel now, hand outstretched for the diva to take. She led her into her ensuite bathroom and motioned for Rachel to sit on the edge of the bathtub nearest the sink while Brittany filled the sink. The dancer carefully laid the clothes she had picked out on the lid of the toilet before turning back to the diva.
"Can I?" Brittany gestured to Rachel's sweater.
The diva froze, her throat threatening to close up. But Brittany didn't move, just held Rachel's gaze with her own and waited. It took her a minute to remember that it was Brittany, not… not someone else. That Brittany had protected her, had held her through everything and had been so gentle and attentive the entire time. She had nothing to fear from the girl, she knew that with an absolute certainty and the thought calmed her down.
"Yes, you may."
Brittany gave her a small, grateful smile and carefully helped Rachel out of her blood stained sweater before throwing it into the hamper behind her. The blonde reached across to the sink and dipped Rachel's washcloth into the water then squeezed it out a little. She met Rachel's eyes again and waited for confirmation. The diva nodded hesitantly and Brittany set to work. The washcloth was warm and the blonde's hands were gentle but sure as they oh-so carefully and meticulously wiped the blood from Rachel's face and removed any trace of spilt tears. She couldn't help but smile when Brittany took her hands and cleaned them too before placing a kiss on them when she was done.
Rachel watched the blonde work; concentration clear on Brittany's face as she focused her complete attention on the diva. There was that tingly, warm feeling again! Rachel swallowed thickly as the blonde leant across her to drop the washcloth back in the sink. Brittany had been so close but yet so far, touching Rachel only when given permission, but now the girl was pressed against her, hair tickling her face, scent filling Rachel's head and making it swim. She so badly wanted to lean up until she could lick at the hollow of Brittany's throat, until she could kiss along her jaw, until she could taste the blonde the way she had wanted to since their private dance class weeks ago now.
But before she could, Brittany had moved away to pick up the clothes and was speaking to her again.
"Umm sorry, I didn't catch that."
Brittany took in Rachel's flushed cheeks and darkened eyes and smiled brilliantly. "That's okay, Rach. I just asked if you wanted me to leave while you got changed."
Rachel, a little dazed thanks to Brittany, shook her head. Brittany smiled again and Rachel found her breath caught in her throat as the blonde passed her the clothes and turned her back so Rachel could change. It took the diva a minute or two of staring at the blonde's back before she remembered what she was supposed to be doing. She quickly pulled off her shoes and socks, wriggled out of her skirt and underwear, tugged her shirt over her head and unhooked her bra. Strangely she felt no awkwardness or uncomfortableness about being naked with Brittany in the room, because she knew the girl would not move until Rachel gave her the all clear.
Brittany had picked out some comfy sweats and her favourite t-shirt – it had a giant gold star on the chest and always made her feel like she could do anything when she was wearing it. She pulled them on and tapped Brittany on the shoulder so she could turn back around. The blonde gave her an appraising once-over and nodded happily.
"You look lovely as ever, Rach. Do you… do you feel a little better?" Brittany asked hopefully.
Rachel couldn't help but smile at how earnest the girl sounded. "I feel much better already, Brittany. Thank you for being so sweet and helping me."
"You're welcome, Rach. Can I give you a hug?"
The diva frowned slightly, since when did Brittany ever ask for a hug? "Of course you can, you don't need to ask."
Brittany wrapped her arms around Rachel's neck immediately and pulled her close. "I just didn't want to overstep or make you uncomfortable. You're important to me and I want you to know that I'd never do anything to hurt you or upset you. Or… or without your permission, okay?"
Rachel felt tears prick at her eyes and she hugged the blonde even tighter to her. "I know you wouldn't." She felt the girl smile into her neck – tingly and warm! Dammit, what was Brittany doing to her?!
Brittany pulled away so she could look at the diva, her arms still loosely around the brunette's neck. "So what do you wanna do now? We could… watch a film and snuggle in bed until those two have cooled down?"
Raised voices could still faintly be heard from below and it made that sadness flash across Brittany's face again. Rachel frowned.
"What's going on with them? Why are they fighting?" The diva let Brittany lead her out of the bathroom into her bedroom. She had a horrible feeling she was somehow involved and couldn't bear the thought that any of the girls were hurting or upset because of her!
"Quinn's mad." Brittany plonked herself down in front of Rachel's DVD collection and started sifting through it.
"Why?" Her fear must have been evident in her tone because Brittany responded to her very thoughts.
"Not at you, I promise. It's because… because Santana forgets how to talk sometimes."
Rachel was glad for the clarification but it didn't make her feel any better to know Quinn and Santana were arguing. "How do you mean?"
Brittany shrugged. "Her head gets full of bad things and she can't think or talk or ask for help when she needs it, so she does whatever she can to get the bad things out of her again."
Rachel watched the girl closely as Brittany looked between two DVDs. "Okay… and what is it that she does?" She moved to sit beside the blonde.
Brittany glanced over at her, holding the diva's gaze for a moment or two before going back to the DVDs. Santana would probably be mad if she told Rachel the truth. It was a private thing, a thing that Santana wasn't proud of because she knew it hurt Quinn and Brittany too when she did it. But it was also something she couldn't control and it scared all of them. Especially because Quinn had similar tendencies and Santana had worked so hard to help her deal with them in a healthier way. It was just… sometimes, when things got really out of control and really bad, Brittany knew Santana couldn't see another way around it and it just happened.
If… if Rachel was going to be a part of their family then she was going to learn these things sooner or later. And it would probably be better for the girl if she didn't learn about it by accidentally walking in on one such moment because Brittany knew she would probably freak out and accidentally make things worse. Even if it didn't work out the way they wanted with Rachel, at least this way they would have one more person who understood and could look after Santana if her and Quinn weren't there… right? At least she hoped that's what Rachel would do, not just think Santana was crazy or dangerous and run away from her.
Brittany let out a sigh before turning her whole body to sit facing Rachel. The diva's eyes widened and she tensed up.
"I'm gonna tell you this because I trust that you care enough about Santana to want to keep her safe. Am I right?"
Rachel swallowed loudly but nodded. What the fuck could be so bad to get Quinn pissed off and Brittany so serious all of a sudden?
"Sometimes, when really bad stuff happens or when San has no control over her life, her head gets full of darkness and feelings pain. She's always had a hard time dealing with feelings, but it's not her fault, the world is broken and her parents aren't parents to her like yours are to you and mine are to me," Brittany sighed sadly. "San finds it easier to deal with physical pain so she uses it to distract her brain long enough to put the feelings pain in little boxes for later and to beat the darkness back again."
The frown on Rachel's brow was very prominent but Brittany gave her time to digest. She knew the second understanding hit the diva because her eyes went wide and she clutched at Brittany's arm, anguish plain on her face at the mere thought of the girl she lov- liked hurting herself.
AN: Feel free to let me know what you thought of the chapter, I know there's so much angst and hurtin' but I promise there's some fluff and more cuteness between the girls coming soon!