Author's Note: Apologies for the delay, meant to post it yesterday but it's been a very long weekend at work and I'm exhausted all the time right now. Man, do I miss doing nothing all day every day when I was off on sick leave *sigh * well work is shit as ever but I am very fond of one of my colleagues, she's lovely and we have awesome conversations so that made the weekend bearable. Plus we had a water gun fight with some of our customers so we were all soaked but it was hot AF all weekend so was kinda greatly appreciated XD had an awesome few days with a very lovely lady staying at my place with me last week, she was very distracting so I've done no writing in like a week (blame her!) but I'm getting back to it, I promise!
Anywho, as usual thank you so much to all the lovely people who reviewed and favourited and followed this story, you're all awesome and you make me wanna get writing and post even more =)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the TV in my house that my petty aunt is asking for back even though she gave it to me and hasn't used it in years. All because I'm keeping my distance from her cos she's not a nice person. Example? She's incredibly rude to servers and wait staff whenever we go out to eat so I can't deal with her anymore. I don't need that shit in my life.
Trigger/Content warning: mentions of s*x and violence from previous chapters, as well as talk/scenes of mental health issues, self-harm, panic attacks and blood/wounds.
Chapter Ten
Quinn waited until she heard Rachel's bedroom door close and music start before she turned her hard stare on Santana.
"What the fuck, S?"
Santana scowled but didn't respond. She knew there was no point, Quinn was going to yell until she got it out of her system so she just had to let her do her thing. And anyway, she was just too fucking tired, and her head hurt something awful; going toe-to-toe with Quinn was a fucking marathon, that girl could argue forever if she wanted to.
"What the fuck did you do? Did you fucking hit him? Did you hit someone else? Or did you do your fucking dumbass trick of hitting inanimate objects again? Huh?" Quinn's eyes blazed as she yelled at her silent girlfriend. "You're a fucking idiot, Santana, why the fuck would you do that? Why the fuck would you hurt yourself when you still haven't fucking healed from the last bullshit you got yourself in the middle of?"
Quinn threw her hands in the air and started pacing, unable to stand still or even look at Santana anymore. Her anger was spilling over, forcing the words from her mouth, not giving her even a second to think because she just needed the Latina to see, to understand what she was doing.
"Why the fuck couldn't you talk to me? Talk to Britt? We were right fucking there and you just fucking walked away! All you had to do was just open your Goddamn mouth and say… say something! Anything! I would have done whatever I could to help you, you know that. But no, you're too fucking stubborn and prideful and selfish and you clearly don't give a fuck about us-" Quinn clamped her mouth shut, her wide eyes going to Santana.
The Latina wasn't looking at her anymore. She was staring straight ahead at the wall. A tear escaped from the corner of her eye when she blinked and wound its way down her cheek. Quinn knew she had fucked up immediately.
"I-I didn't mean that, S. You're not-not selfish, and Britt and I, we both know how much you care-" Quinn stammered out.
"Aren't I?" Santana asked, turning her blank eyes towards Quinn. "How can you know when all I do is hurt you and make you both worry?"
Quinn's heart clenched painfully, her face a mess of conflicting emotions. She took a few steps towards the Latina and stopped, gauging her reaction before moving again to stand in front of the girl.
"We know, Santana. Okay? You show us every day. It's just sometimes… you don't think before you do dumb shit. I know you can't help it, believe me, I understand better than anyone! But that's why you have us. And why I have you guys. We're supposed to be there for each other, dealing with things together, as a family. That's what you always tell us and you're right."
Santana shook her head, a frown on her face. "Maybe I'm not. You'd be better off without me, Q. All I do is make shit harder for you."
Anger surged through Quinn again. "How the fuck could you possibly ever think that? That's fucking bullshit and you know it, S. So stop fucking saying it, no, stop fucking thinking it altogether!" The blonde whirled and stalked away from Santana, fuming, hands clenched into fists at her sides as she fought to regain her composure. But it wasn't happening. "God, you fucking infuriate me sometimes, do you know that? You do all this shit for me, for Britt, even for Rachel, yet you won't ever fucking let us look after you. Why? Why is it so damn hard for you to just let us love you?"
Quinn rounded on Santana, eyebrows raised expectantly. Santana could only stare. The blonde growled in frustration, yanking a hand through her hair.
"You'd really rather fucking hurt yourself over and over than let your own girlfriends take care of you? You'd rather suffer in silence than ask for help from the people who love you most? Really? You talk the talk to us every day about being a family, trusting each other, relying on each other, but you can't walk the walk, can you?"
Quinn knew Santana would not answer her but she fell silent anyway, needing a second to get her anger in check again. She loved the girl more than she thought she could ever love another human being. She hated seeing Santana in pain, any kind of pain! Because it felt like she had failed as a girlfriend, like she wasn't good enough. Yeah, those were her own insecurities, she knew that. Santana had never once said anything to make her feel like that, nor had Brittany, yet still that niggling thought stayed lodged in the back of her mind, just waiting to drip poison into her thoughts, just waiting to force itself back to the front to make Quinn feel worthless and pathetic all over again. Often the thoughts sounded exactly like her father and when that happened it made her feel sick, it made her hate herself for still giving a fuck what he thought of her, it made her want to do anything she could to block it out…
So yeah, Quinn understood Santana. She knew that state of mind, the need to cause physical pain because at least that would heal and stop hurting again eventually. The emotional and psychological wounds stayed forever and took years of work and healing and love and therapy just to get the damn things to stop bleeding and finally scar over. She understood the reasoning behind it. She understood that it wasn't done to hurt her and Britt, nor was it done on purpose. She did not blame Santana for dealing with her feelings and trauma the way she did, just as she knew the girls would never blame or think less of her for doing the same.
What she didn't understand was why Santana did not seem to trust them enough to let them help her the way she helped them… That's all she wanted to do. Quinn just wanted to keep her family safe and together and happy. Because they deserved that, they deserved to be happy… didn't they?
Quinn sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her palms. She was so fucking exhausted all of a sudden. She just wanted to curl up in bed with her girls and sleep the weekend away safe in their arms. But first… first she needed to take care of the stubborn Latina.
"Let me see the damage. We need to get it cleaned up before it gets infected." She reached for the brunette's hand.
Santana jerked it away from her, folding her arms firmly and wincing when it throbbed. Quinn gave her a pointed look, eyebrow raised, which only made Santana scowl and clench her fists. A growl slipped out at the pain and Santana grit her teeth hard. Quinn's eyes widened and she held up her hands, a silent promise she wouldn't try it again.
They stared at each other for a long while. Quinn closed the distance between them slowly, coming to a halt only a few inches away from Santana. She dipped her head a little to press the softest kiss to the crook of the Latina's neck.
"I'm sorry, baby," Quinn murmured against her girlfriend's skin. "I won't yell anymore, I promise." She kissed her again and again, her lips sending shivers down Santana's spine as they moved up her neck. "I just want to take care of you." Her teeth tugged gently at Santana's earlobe earning her a stuttered sigh from the girl. "Please?"
Santana, uninjured hand moving to lose itself in Quinn's hair, groaned when the blonde pulled back and caught her wrist. "Tease."
Quinn shook her head. "Hand first, kisses after."
"That's what she said."
Quinn pursed her lips, unamused.
"Fine! Hand first," Santana rolled her eyes but a smile managed to find its way onto her face as the blonde linked their fingers together and tugged her into the kitchen.
Quinn opened cupboards and drawers until she found the first aid box. She ordered Santana over to the sink and ran the water until it was lukewarm. First aid at the ready, Quinn looked to the Latina for the go-ahead. Santana nodded, guilt darkening her face as Quinn finally got a look at the damage she had done to her hand. The blonde sucked in a sharp breath but said nothing. It wasn't bleeding any longer, the now-red towel had done its job there. But her knuckles were a mess, dried blood stained them, crusting around the cuts and grazes, bruising already starting to form.
"This is probably going to hurt," Quinn told the girl as she moved her hand towards the running water.
The hiss that escaped Santana made the blonde wince and curl her lip in sympathy. She very carefully cleaned the blood off, turning the water gradually back to cold in hopes that it would help with the swelling and bruising.
"Stay." Quinn commanded as she moved to get the paper towels from the furthest kitchen counter.
Santana allowed Quinn to meticulously dry her hand, trying her best not to flinch too hard or pull away. Her eyes stayed locked on the blonde as she worked. The concentration and concern on her face made Santana's heart swell. With gentle hands, Quinn used antiseptic wipes to clean any dirt or fibres from the cuts. It stung but Santana didn't quite mind so much when she noticed the way the blonde would grimace with her at the pain... They were connected. She understood now - her pain was Quinn's pain. Her anxiety was Quinn's anxiety. Her happiness was Quinn's happiness…
Everything she did affected her family. Everything she did had repercussions for them. The girls loved her unconditionally and completely, they trusted her and understood her… She could have kicked herself for being such a fucking moron for not realising sooner. But it wasn't entirely her fault, it's not like her birth family gave a damn about her or even spent enough time with her for her actions to have ever effected them in any way. Sure her father got pissed off at her when she caused trouble for him, but that was because she inconvenienced him, not because he gave a fuck about her.
These girls gave a fuck. They saw her and loved her anyway and, as confusing as that still was for Santana to comprehend, that meant the world to her. So why was she so damn set on keeping that last little bit of distance between them? She had come so fucking far, broken down so many walls. She had seen them prove how much they loved and trusted her every single day, so why could she not just let them in?
As she watched Quinn apply the Neosporin and carefully bandage her hand, it hit her. She did not trust herself not to hurt them. It wasn't about them hurting her, because she couldn't care less about that. No. Santana knew exactly what she was capable of, what she had done in the past, how much she had hurt people and how willing she still was to cause pain – Finn's face flashed in her mind then as if to prove her point. She knew she was capable of hurting the people she loved, never on purposed, but the thought still scared the ever-loving fuck out of her because she would rather die than let that happen. And yet… here they were. Quinn pissed and upset, Brittany and Rachel hiding upstairs from her… This wasn't right. She needed to do everything in her power to ensure this never happened again because of her. So that left her with a decision to make.
"There," Quinn smiled up at her, bandaged hand held very gently in her own. "All done." She bent her head and placed a kiss atop the bandage.
Santana couldn't help the grin that slipped onto her face. Quinn could go from screaming bloody murder and seething rage to soft and thoughtful in the space of a few minutes. Santana loved both, and everything in between. The girl kept her on her toes, kept her striving to be better, and for sure kept her in check! Her and Quinn were more similar than they would ever admit – both competitive, sharp-tongued, quick-tempered but sensitive, big-hearted and passionate too. But where Quinn had had to be rebuilt from the ground up, Santana needed to be dismantled piece by piece. And it was slower going than she had thought.
Santana sighed and took her hand back. "I don't want to keep hurting you. You deserve better-"
"No, S. What we deserve, and what we want, is for you to keep being yourself. You are the person we fell in love with, you are the person we trust, you are the person who always makes us feel safe and loved and cared for," Quinn stepped even closer to the Latina and wrapped her arms around her neck, dipping her head a little to meet Santana's troubled gaze. "All we need from you, my beautiful, stubborn girlfriend, is for you to just talk to us and let us in. We will never judge you or think any less of you, Santana, I promise." The blonde kissed the Latina softly on the lips. "Trust us. Please."
Santana melted into the kiss, pulling Quinn as close as she possibly could, hands curling around her waist. She expected the blonde to pull away… instead she opened her mouth to Santana, deepening their kiss and losing her hands in her dark hair. A moan slipped from Santana, spurring Quinn on. She loved the way Santana tasted, loved the feel of her tongue in her mouth, loved the way Santana would touch her - hands turning from soft and respectful to desperate and firm, but never pushing... The blonde broke the kiss and latched onto the sensitive skin of the brunette's neck, having thoroughly enjoyed the little noise she had earned earlier and seeking to replicate it. She kissed her way from ear to shoulder, tugging the girl's shirt out of her way so she could access even more skin. She had been so fucking scared and anxious about almost losing the girl that she had been tiptoeing around her all week, barely touching her in fear she might hurt her further. But fuck, had she missed her! She needed to taste every inch of her girlfriend, needed to hear her name slip from her lips at the height of her orgasm, needed to feel her tighten around her fingers, she needed it all so badly…
Santana gripped Quinn tight as the girl's tongue licked patterns across her shoulder and her teeth nipped at her. She was driving Santana slowly insane; moans and gasps leaked from her mouth at will. She vaguely felt Quinn start to unbutton her shirt, mouth following close behind her fingers as kisses covered every newly revealed inch of her. Next thing she knew her shirt was on the floor and Quinn was appraising her with hungry eyes.
"Fuck, S…"
The pure desire in Quinn's voice had Santana wet and a split second later she was tugging Quinn's shirt over her head and their mouths crashed back together. Santana knew they should stop, knew they were in the middle of the Berry's kitchen, knew this was not how her first time with Quinn should go… but when the blonde wrapped herself around her - skin warm and unbelievably soft against her own - and her mouth found its way back to Santana's neck, all teeth and tongue and sucking… fuck, what was she saying?
Santana held Quinn's head firmly in place, eyes closed, mouth open as she panted. She wanted the girl to mark her, she wanted to be claimed by Quinn, by Brittany, by… by Rachel. She hurt inside and out, but this was a good pain and she didn't want it to stop. Quinn had never let their make-out sessions get this far, had never even tried to give her a hickey before, never allowed Santana's hands to roam so freely across her body. It felt so fucking good and not just physically. It felt good to know the blonde trusted her so completely to let her guard down like this.
"Q-Quinn?"
Santana felt Quinn grinding against her then, hips jerking, searching for friction. A groan of relief quickly followed when Santana slid her own thigh between the girl's legs and, her hands firmly on the blonde's ass, rocked them together. She watched the pleasure flood Quinn's face with such reverence – Quinn's eyes were squeezed shut, her mouth open, lips swollen, hair a mess. She had never looked more beautiful, Santana thought as she captured the blonde's bottom lip and sucked it into her mouth, before nipping at it gently.
"Q… Quinn, baby, look at me," Santana begged the girl.
It took a minute but when she finally managed to pry her eyes open, Quinn saw her girlfriend's lust darkened eyes drinking her in. "I want you so fucking much, S. I don't care anymore, just please fuck me."
That's when Santana knew she had to be the clear-headed one and shut this down before they both did something they regretted. Not that she would ever regret anything she did with Quinn, not for a second. But she wanted to prove to the blonde that she wasn't just some fuckboy trying to get into her pants, like all the other pricks at their school. She wasn't going to let their first time together be anything less than perfect. She didn't just want to fuck Quinn, she wanted to prove how much she loved and cared for and respected her. She wanted to make love to her.
Santana smiled as Quinn kissed her hard and wet. She pulled back after a moment and cupped the girl's face in her hands. "I want you too, Q. So fucking badly for so fucking long now. But this is not the time, nor the place. You're upset, I'm injured still and Rachel and Britt are hiding from us upstairs. And knowing our luck Rachel's dads will probably walk in on us," she chuckled.
Quinn whined and ground down on Santana even harder. "S… please…"
It took every ounce of self-control Santana possessed to plant her hands on Quinn's shoulders and gently but firmly separate their bodies. Quinn tried to bring them back together but the Latina shook her head - this time she had to be in control.
"Come on, think with your head, mi amor," Santana held the blonde's lustful gaze, refusing to let them near each other again until she saw Quinn snap out of it.
Quinn closed her eyes and took deep, measured breaths until she was back in control and her horniness had abated a little. She still wanted Santana, still wished she would have fucked her then and there but the girl was right. Quinn's first time hadn't been special at all so she damn well wanted to make sure her second time was – although just the fact that it would be with Santana, someone she loved with all her being and who loved her, would make it perfect no matter the where, the when or the why. When she opened her eyes again, she found Santana watching her with a smile that made her heart ache with love.
"You good?"
Quinn nodded and a split second later she was being crushed in such a fierce hug.
"I love you so fucking much," Santana murmured. "I can't even bear to imagine my life without you in it."
Quinn frowned, something in the girl's voice didn't sit right with her. "Me either." She tried to pull away to look at her girlfriend but Santana just held on even tighter. "S?"
Santana shook her head and buried her face into Quinn's neck. "Just hold me for a minute, okay? I just need you to hold me."
So Quinn did, happily. Concern and a twinge of fear gnawed at her mind, she knew Santana better than she knew herself and she could tell there was something wrong. But all she could do was hope the Latina would come to them this time.
When Santana and Quinn finally found their way up to Rachel's room, both fully clothed again, they found Brittany and Rachel curled up together on the bed, a movie playing on low in the background as they slept. The girls stood in the doorway for a moment, observing the sleeping two.
"What are we going to do, S?" Quinn lent into the Latina, who wrapped her arms around her from behind.
"I think we should join them. I'm fucking exhausted."
"That's not what I-"
"I know," Santana dropped a kiss onto the blonde's shoulder. "But I just need a few hours where shit doesn't hurt and I know everyone is safe because you're all in my arms, okay?" She sounded so tired and defeated.
Quinn turned in Santana's grip and put her own arms around the girl's neck. She gave her an understanding smile, kissing her once, twice on the lips. "I want that too." Quinn pulled away, hands trailing down Santana's arms until she could link their fingers and led the girl over to the bed.
They both kicked off their shoes and climbed carefully onto the bed. The tall blonde had Rachel flush against her, their legs tangled together and Rachel's face hidden in Brittany's chest. Quinn settled behind the dancer, Santana joining her a moment later and opening her arms for the blonde once she was comfortable.
"San? Quinn?" Brittany mumbled, craning her neck to see the girls behind her.
"We're here, Britt."
"Did you get all your shouting out?"
Quinn laughed quietly, shifting until she could see the dancer and plant a kiss on her cheek. "Yeah, it's all done now. I promise."
"I don't like it when you guys fight," Brittany sounded so sad.
Santana and Quinn shared a look – they both felt their hearts cracking and guilt eat at them. This wasn't news to them, they knew how anxious and upset it made Brittany when they fought. They always tried their best to minimise the damage – waiting until Brittany wasn't there or ensuring she couldn't hear them – but the dancer always knew and always took it to heart.
"We're sorry, Britt," Quinn found the dancer's thigh and gave it a comforting squeeze.
Santana watched her girlfriends guiltily. "We'll… I'll do better, I swear. I never want to hurt either of you but that's all I seem to do lately. You deserve the world so I'm gonna try my best to make sure you get it." Her face set in determination, mind made up. It wasn't a decision at all because Santana had no choice. She couldn't, and didn't want to, live without the girls by her side so she was going to do whatever the fuck it took to break down those last few walls that stood in their way. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
The blondes' eyes widened.
"What?" Panic coloured Quinn's voice as she exchanged a desperate glance with Brittany.
"What do you mean, San? Why would you go somewhere? You belong with us."
"Exactly! You fucking belong with us so don't you fucking dare-"
Santana quickly pressed her lips to Quinn's, stopping her before her voice got any louder and woke Rachel. "I said I'm not going anywhere. So take a chill pill."
Quinn scowled at her. "But you were fucking thinking about it… right?"
Santana couldn't meet either of the blondes' questioning gazes as she shrugged.
Quinn punched her in the arm. "Fucking asshole! This is exactly what I was talking about, you stubborn dumbass! That is a thing you need to be talking to us about."
"Ow!" Santana rubbed her arm. "And I know, why the fuck do you think I brought it up now, dipshit?"
Quinn opened her mouth to argue more but snapped it shut again. She narrowed her eyes at the Latina.
"You really wanna talk about it with us?" Brittany shifted carefully so she could see Santana better, a hopeful glint in her eyes.
"Well…" Santana chewed her lip as she chose her words. "Not talk exactly, because it's not a thing, I'm not going anywhere. But I wanted to try being a little more open about what's going on in my head – good and bad. The old me was a mouthy bitch, I had no problem telling people what I thought back then but now…" she trailed off with a deep frown marring her face.
"Now you're actually trying to be honest and not only is it terrifying, it can also leave you vulnerable if it's to the wrong person," Rachel shuffled up the bed a little so she could prop herself up on her elbow and see the Latina. She gave the girl an apologetic smile when Santana cocked her head at her. "Forgive me, I didn't mean to be nosy-"
"No, you're right, Rach," Santana shot her an appreciative smile at the realisation that the diva understood on a personal level. "It's fucking scary and I don't want to fuck it up because… because I could lose the most important people in my life. I learnt real quick that if you didn't want to get hurt it was better to be the one doing the hurting, because then people stayed away and didn't want you to be honest. But that's lonely and I'm done being lonely." She nodded firmly, meeting each girl's gaze in turn. "I want you in my life and I'll do whatever it takes."
"We're home!" Hiram called as he shut the front door behind them.
The Berry men found a strange car in their drive on their arrival and it took a moment before LeRoy recognised it as Santana's.
"Hi, Rach, is Santana here? Is she okay?" LeRoy shouted up the stairs as he took his jacket off and dropped his briefcase on the bottom step.
There came no reply so LeRoy took the stairs two at a time and stopped outside Rachel's room, listening carefully. Hearing nothing from inside, he slowly turned the handle and opened the door a crack. The sight that greeted him had him clutching his chest and grinning widely, his heart full. His little girl was fast asleep, sandwiched between Santana and Quinn, Brittany's arms almost encompassing them all, holding them together. They all looked so peaceful that he didn't have the heart to wake them. Especially Santana, he knew she hadn't been sleeping much as it was so she needed all the rest she could get.
LeRoy shut the door again silently and crept back downstairs to find his husband starting to cook.
"Is Santana staying for dinner?" Hiram asked over his shoulder as he rooted through the refrigerator.
"You might want to make enough for six of us, dear," LeRoy took Hiram's apron out of the drawer and put it on the man with a kiss to his cheek.
Hiram frowned and stopped to look at his husband. "Six? Oh! Brittany and Quinn are here too?"
LeRoy nodded, smiling.
"Excellent! I finally have an excuse to break out the good china!" Hiram bounced excitedly, pulling out the things he needed from the refrigerator and cracking on with a gleam in his eye and a grin on his face.
LeRoy couldn't help but swell with pride. His husband had been very untrusting and cold towards every potential love interest Rachel had ever brought home or introduced to them. When LeRoy had commented on this, Hiram had voiced that he had yet to be introduced to someone who was worthy of their daughter and whom he believed would treat her the way she deserved to be treated, not only as a woman but as the star she is and the star she was destined to be.
So the fact that Hiram was so open to these three girls said a lot. Although they had only met them a week ago and seen them only briefly on the way to and from school since then, Hiram was an incredibly good judge of character and could always tell when someone was lying to him. He had taken to Quinn immediately, finding the girl intelligent and polite. And he loved conversing with Brittany, enjoying her unusual way of looking at the world and her immeasurable kindness. However he had not had much of a chance to interact with Santana yet so he was hoping tonight he would get a read on the girl and get to know her a little. Especially since she seemed to have won over his little girl and his husband so quickly.
Rachel awoke with a start, her heart in her throat as the remnants of a nightmare still held her hostage. She sat bolt upright struggling to draw in air and panic started to set in. A moment later she felt Santana's arms around her, pulling her into her lap, Rachel's back flush against Santana's chest.
"You're okay, Rach. Just breathe with me." The Latina placed her right palm firmly against the diva's chest and held her tight to her so the girl could feel her own chest rise and fall.
Rachel's fingers dug into Santana's legs painfully but she didn't flinch.
"In… Out… In… Out… you got it, Rach. Keep going, I'm right here, okay?" Santana pressed a soft kiss to Rachel's ear.
The diva's heart fluttered and her stomach squirmed. Even with her lungs out of her control - for the second time in a week now - Rachel's body reacted to Santana's touch how it always did and that helped ground her. It was familiar and she needed it right now.
"Again. Please." Rachel managed to gasp out between sharp breaths.
Santana thankfully understood and a second later she was leaving a trail of kisses on the diva's ear, down her neck and along her shoulder, before working her way back up again. Rachel's eyes slid closed as she concentrated on the way Santana's mouth felt on her skin, how each kiss was like a little spark of electricity jump starting her heart back into normal rhythm. She arched back into the Latina, resting her head on her shoulder and grasping the hand of Santana's that was still stationed on her chest. Slowly her breathing returned to normal.
"Better?" Santana's voice came quiet and husky at her ear and made her clench her thighs together.
"If I say no will you keep kissing me like that?"
Santana's chuckle sent another shot of heat between her legs and made her squirm.
"All you gotta do is ask, mi Estrella, I'm happy to kiss you whenever you want," The Latina wrapped both arms securely around the diva and dropped her chin onto her shoulder.
Rachel reached back and lost her fingers in Santana's hair, turning her head enough to be able to place a kiss of her own on the girl's cheek. "That is certainly useful information to possess, thank you."
Santana grinned, relief flooding her body. It definitely sounded as if Rachel was okay now and that's all that counted. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"About…?"
"The nightmare."
"Oh." Rachel took her head off Santana's shoulder and sighed, rubbing her eyes.
"Hey, no pressure, okay?" Santana released the girl and sat back on her hands, afraid she had pushed too hard too fast. "But we're here if you need us."
Before Rachel could respond there came the distinct sound of laughter and the clank of pots and pans below them. Rachel's eyes went wide as she scrambled to find her cell phone. She blinked in the sudden brightness of it, Santana grumbling behind her, and saw the time. Her fathers had already been home for a good hour or so, it was twilight outside her windows.
"Oh God, what am I going to tell them? How am I going to explain what happened?" The words tumbled from Rachel before she could stop them, fear gripping her. "What will they think of me? I can't go down there, I just can't-"
"Hey, no, no, Rach, come on! Take a breath please," Santana turned the girl around to face her and saw the look of sheer panic in her eyes. Her heart ached for the diva. She wished she could take that panic, take the nightmares and the pain and the memories as her own so that Rachel didn't have to go through it. But she couldn't. All she could do was support the girl unconditionally and be by her side every step of the way.
"What's going on? What's happened?" Quinn was awake and in fight mode as she instantly clocked Rachel's anxiety.
"Rachel's dads are home."
"Oh… Oh!" Understanding hit the blonde and she slipped her hand into Rachel's, the diva holding on tightly as soon as she did.
"I can't do it. I can't go down there and look them in the eyes and tell them… tell them… I just can't!" Rachel's breathing started getting laboured again, coming fast and sharp.
"Rachel, look at me," Santana took the girl's face in her hands and waited until their eyes met. She spoke softly but firmly. "You are not alone. You don't have to do or say anything, we can explain for you if you need us to. Yeah, your dads are gonna be upset and angry, but not at you. That much I know for sure. They love you and they want only the best for you. Okay? Trust me."
Rachel gripped Santana's arm and leant forward until she could press their foreheads together. She took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. "I do trust you."
Santana felt her heart swell. A beaming smile lit her face. "We'll be by your side for as long as you need us to be."
"We got you, Rachel," Quinn gave the diva's hand a squeeze.
Rachel turned a little, forehead still pressed to Santana's, and gave the blonde a weak but appreciative smile. Quinn returned it and brought the diva's hand up to her lips for a kiss. All her guilt and anger of earlier came screaming back to Quinn when Rachel's sad eyes had met her own then. She shouldn't have let her go off alone, she should have stayed with her, she should have killed Finn after he had hurt Santana then this wouldn't have happened… she spiraled into darkness before she could stop herself.
"Quinn?" Rachel frowned at the sudden strange look she saw in the blonde's eyes.
"Q? Fuck. No, come on, come back to me, mi feroz león," Santana took up Quinn's free hand and massaged circles into it with her thumb, her other hand cupping the girl's face, thumb stroking her cheek softly.
"What's going on?" A sleepy Brittany sat up behind Quinn, rubbing her eyes. She took in the scene before her and realised immediately what was happening. She scooted up behind Quinn, a leg either side of her, and slipped both hands under her shirt to rub her back, fingernails lightly grazing her skin.
Slowly Quinn managed to shake off the awful, painful thoughts, shoving them to the back of her mind, focusing instead on the three beautiful girls grounding her, watching her with concern. "Sorry," she murmured.
Santana wrapped Quinn and Brittany in one big hug. She needed the blonde, both blondes, with her to get through this. "I know you blame yourself, Q, I blame myself too. But the blame is not ours. You did everything you could to keep her safe and you've been so goddamn strong this week. We're gonna talk about this and work through it, okay, mi amor? I promise. First we got another battle to fight though."
Rachel watched the girls hold each other desperately and felt her still pounding heart break for them. In that moment she understood how damaged yet big-hearted they really were, and why they had spent so many years crafting that perfect armour of indifference, bitchiness and anger. If they hadn't, she was quite certain that the world would have swallowed them whole years ago. But they had survived and found their safe place in each other so that finally they had a chance to breathe and be vulnerable. She wondered if they might have room in their hearts for one more… because every moment she spent with the little family she was becoming more and more certain that her own heart had more than enough space for all of them.
AN: I really hope you guys are all still enjoying this! I'm gonna write as much as I can before I start my Masters at the end of September but if you guys want more let me know and I'll do my absolute best to keep this going. I love this story and these characters so I'ma keep writing as much as I can but everyone's support and kind words always give me that little bit of motivation I need too =)
Peace Out.
Maxx