Author's Note: I have literally spent the past two days working non-stop on this chapter for you guys, I wanted it to be everything you've been hoping for and more! I had most of it written up in my notebook but I ended up expanding it hugely so it's like, twice as long as I originally wrote it to be. So you get an extra long chapter today. Hopefully it will tide you over for a little while because I'll be at Uni all day tomorrow and then I'm back at work AND uni next week so may be a while until the next update =S This is the end of what I've actually written, but I do have the next few chapters mostly planned out so once I get time to sit down and write, it'll be reet.
Thank you so much to everyone for your reviews and favourites! You guys rock and you always make my day! I really do hope you enjoy this chapter, it was very cathartic to write!
Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing. No, seriously, I own fuck all. It's depressing but in this economy? Not a chance in hell.
Content Warning: This chapter contains talk of attempted suicide, mentions of s*x, assault, threat of violence, neglect, homophobia, vomiting. Please stay safe!
Chapter Sixteen
Finn shoved Santana into his bedroom and slammed the door behind them. He planted himself between her and the only escape route.
"I swear to fucking God, Hudson, if you ever put your hands on me again it'll be the last thing you ever touch!" Santana spat at the towering boy, tugging her shirt back into place so it was no longer choking her where Finn had dragged her by the collar. Her heart was in her throat and her hands shook but she steadied herself, refusing to let the boy know she was scared.
"How else was I supposed to get you to hear me out?" He shrugged.
"Have you ever fucking heard of asking politely, you lumbering gorilla?"
"Yeah, but would you have listened?"
Santana could only scowl at him.
"Exactly." Finn deadpanned. "I only need a minute then you can go, I promise."
"Yeah, because your promises mean so much to me!" Santana snarked, curling her lip at him as she took a step towards him cockily – and against her better judgement. "What's to stop me from just kicking your ass or yelling for your mom right now? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."
"Because I have a deal to offer you. One I don't think you will be able to say no to." Finn lent back casually against the door, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Santana eyed him suspiciously. She wanted to smack that smug smile off his face so badly and just step over him and out the door. But something stopped her… she was a little curious to hear what the boy thought he could possibly have to offer her that she would ever want or need from him. "You have one minute. Talk fast."
Finn's eyes glinted dangerously as he took a step towards her and looked her up and down. Santana had to physically restrain herself from flinching as he got closer still until he was in her face, looming above her.
"I will stop coming after you and your 'girlfriends', I will refrain from talking to or about you all, and the only time we ever have to interact will be Glee Club competitions and any class assignments we have together. I will even admit what I did to you and take whatever punishment or anger management classes they throw at me. And I will kick Puck's ass and ensure he knows never to come near Quinn ever again." He laid it all out clearly and calmly for her, making sure not to leave anything out of his offer.
"And what do you get in return?" Santana wasn't a moron, she knew exactly what Finn wanted before the words even left his mouth.
"I want you, Quinn and Brittany to end whatever you have going on with Rachel and stay as far away from her as you possibly can." Finn smirked gleefully, basking in his seemingly irresistible deal.
Santana's eye and lip twitched. Her fingers curled and uncurled into fists. Her neck cracked as she straightened and jutted her chin out, her face inches from Finn's own now. "Even if we did that, she would never come back to you. You well and truly destroyed that bridge when you forced yourself on her, dickwad." Her voice was low, dangerous.
If Finn had been smart he would have backed up right then and there but he didn't. He just shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not." His eyes were still fixed on Santana, daring her to try something. "But when you three publicly humiliate her and attack her in the middle of school, and I come to her rescue, she'll realise just how wrong she was about you and how right I am for her."
Santana felt physically sick to her stomach. Rage burned like fire in her veins and her whole body shook – longing to hurt him bodily, verbally, mentally, however the fuck she could. She snarled at the boy. "Do you really fucking think-"
"Ah ah ah!" Finn cut her off with a shake of his finger. "Don't say something you might regret later. Take a few days, think it over. I'm in no rush."
Before Santana could tell Finn exactly when, where, how and with what to go fuck himself, her name was called from somewhere in the house.
"Looks like our time's up." Finn stepped aside and jerked a thumb at his door.
"Oh, this is far from over, asshole!" Santana made a point to shove him out of her way as she passed by.
Finn smirked nastily. "I'm quite certain you'll see it my way, Santana. Sooner or later you'll take my deal. And for all your sakes, you might want to make it sooner."
Santana's blood ran cold as a bolt of fear flashed through her. She hesitated in the doorway – her whole body vibrating with anger, her fingers just itching to close round the giant boy's throat and squeeze until that awful smile was wiped off his smarmy fucking face. How fucking dare he threaten her girls! But the voice calling for her was getting more insistent and she needed to be back with her girls before she did something dumb.
"Give my love to Rachel and tell her I'll be waiting." Finn called after her as she slammed his bedroom door and strode back the way she'd been dragged.
As she got to the kitchen, Santana spotted LeRoy – the man's head swivelling back and forth frantically, posture rigid as he looked for her. "Santana!" Relief washed over him as LeRoy spotted the Latina finally.
"Sup, Doc?"
"Are you okay? Where were you? Quinn called me, she was frantic, worried something had happened to you…" LeRoy gave her a quick visual once over when Santana came to stop in front of him.
"Nah, I'm good, I just dropped my phone on the way back from the bathroom and… Oh." She bent down to retrieve her cell where it lay on the floor. "Found it."
LeRoy held her gaze. There was something off with the girl… something in her voice, in the way she held herself… he couldn't quite put his finger on it. "Are you sure you're alright, Santana?"
The Latina nodded but her voice was a little strained. "Just ready to get the hell out of here, Doc, that's all."
"You and me both. We'll say our goodbyes and head home, okay? We have a lot to process and discuss. As well as decisions to make." LeRoy clasped Santana's shoulder, smiling reassuringly at the girl. "But we'll do it together, you have my word."
Santana barely managed a ghost of a smile before turning and leading the way into the kitchen to get Hiram.
The drive back to the Berry's seemed to take forever. The Berry men were silent the whole ride back, each lost in their thoughts. The get-together had been a good start – they were on the same page as the Hudson-Hummel family in regards to Finn's behaviour and the need to deal with it head on. And they had even taken another step in getting to know and understand Santana. Plus they learned a little more about Brittany and Quinn too; although they did wish that the knowledge they now possessed wasn't so heart breaking. They also wished they had been more involved last year and insisted on family meetings more often – perhaps they could have nipped this whole Finn situation in the bud before it had even started, perhaps they could have found a way to help Rachel before her mental health had taken such a dive, perhaps…
LeRoy glanced over at his husband in the passenger seat. The tense posture and small crinkle between Hiram's eyebrows told him the man was beating himself up just as much as LeRoy was. Hindsight was 20:20 after all. But if they dwelt on all that then they would never be able to move forward with their lives and they both so badly wanted to do that. They so badly wanted to see their daughter happy and thriving again. They so badly wanted to look to the future and fill it full of laughter, and love, and singing again. The taller man's eyes flickered to his rear view mirror to see Santana staring intently out of the window, anxiety written on every inch of her body.
Santana couldn't sit still – her legs bounced, her fingers drummed, her brain going a mile a minute. She genuinely had not known what to expect to come out of going to the Hudson-Hummel's but it had only made things more complicated and possibly put them all even more at risk. She was furious at herself. Firstly for not punching Finn when she had the perfect opportunity to do so. And secondly, for letting him get in her head. Again. She had underestimated the boy's ego, his obsession with Rachel, as well as how far he was willing to go to get his own way.
All the Latina could think about was the three girls waiting for her – she needed to look after them, keep them safe and happy… all of them. She loved her girlfriends with everything she had, but what Finn was asking of them was cruel and impossible. It would be one thing if the diva actually wanted to be with Finn – but then again, after everything he had done to the girl now… even that wouldn't be enough to make Santana ever consider taking the deal!
Her mind went back to Quinn's text and she had to bite back the panic that rose up her throat. What the fuck was going on with the diva? Did she really not want anything to do with them? If she didn't, Santana would never try and make her stay. But she had a feeling that there was so much more to it. So they were going to fucking talk about it and sort this shit out if it killed her!
When the Berry house finally came into view, Santana let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. And when the front door was ripped open and the three girls appeared as they pulled into the drive, Santana's tortured mind finally quietened down and her heart left her throat to return to its thundering in her chest. She shot out of the car before LeRoy had even turned the engine off.
Quinn hit her first – slamming into her with enough force to have knocked her to the floor if Santana hadn't been ready for it – Brittany not even a split second behind. The blondes held her in iron grips, shaky breaths coming fast. Quinn's lips were on Santana's then, kissing her desperately, frantically, hands clutching at her shirt and hair. The Latina returned the kiss just as feverishly before breaking it to bestow a similar one on Brittany. They held each other until it stopped feeling like the world was ending… and until Santana's eyes landed on Rachel as she turned away from them with a heart broken look on her face.
"Hey, where d'ya think you're going?"
Rachel froze. She took a deep breath and turned back to find the three girls stood before her, intense eyes on her, making her shiver.
"Can I hug you, Rach?" Santana untangled herself from the blondes and took a step closer to the diva.
A whimper escaped from Rachel's mouth. The pull of the Latina was so strong. Her body and soul ached to be in Santana's arms but she knew if she gave in she would never be able to do what she needed to do… to protect her girls. Rachel shook her head at the question. She thought nothing could have been more painful than her conversation with Brittany and Quinn earlier, but the look on Santana's face right then was so much worse. She could literally see the girl's heart shatter – Santana's fingers curled, her knuckles turning white, she bit her lip so hard she almost broke the skin, her body shook with the effort of keeping her from closing the distance between them… and those dark eyes Rachel loved so much flashed with agony before Santana slammed them shut.
The Latina let out a breath. Her lips quivered. She opened her eyes and the mask slid effortlessly into place; feelings shoved as far back into her mind as she possibly could. She would not be able to get through this otherwise. She nodded once to acknowledge Rachel's answer before taking her girlfriends' hands.
"We need to talk. All of us. Now."
Rachel couldn't help flinching at the suddenly hard edge in Santana's voice. She trailed behind as Santana led them all down into the Berry's basement, shutting the sound proof door behind them, leaving a confused and concerned LeRoy and Hiram in their wake.
The moment they were in private, Quinn yanked Santana to her, hands and eyes frantic as they checked the girl over for any new injuries. She froze when she saw the red mark around Santana's neck – from when Finn had dragged her by the collar. Quinn's fingers shook as they traced the mark with such care. Her eyes met Santana's and the Latina couldn't help the shiver that went through her at the murder she saw in her girlfriend's eyes.
"He laid a hand on you?" Quinn's voice was barely above a whisper but it was dangerous.
"I'm fine, baby." Santana took the blonde's face in her hands. "He grabbed my shirt, that's all."
A growl ripped from the blonde, rage coming off her in waves. Santana's eyes darkened. Fuck, Quinn was so fucking sexy when she was pissed. She tried to shake that thought, and all the ones about future plans to rile the girls up for some rough, intense sex, from her head and endeavoured to calm the blonde down.
"Baby-"
Quinn tilted Santana's chin with her thumb and ghosted her lips along the mark one way and pressed gentle kisses back the other way. All thoughts flew from Santana's head as she sighed into the touch and just let Quinn look after her for a moment.
"I'm going to fucking kill him, S. I swear to fucking God," Quinn breathed against her girlfriend's shoulder as she kissed at the bite mark she had left the day before.
Santana couldn't help the soft smile that took over her – she loved how protective, how fearless, how fucking fiery the blonde was. It made her heart thud hard in her chest and her whole body ripple with the need to claim, and be claimed by, Quinn. She wanted to give herself to the girl so badly because she knew she would be just as safe and as loved with Quinn as she always had been with Brittany.
But first they needed to deal with Rachel…
"I'm sorry, mi amor, if I'm not allowed to neither are you."
Quinn grumbled wordlessly making Santana grin and wrap an arm around her neck, hugging her tightly to her for a long moment before she sighed.
Quinn frowned up at her. "S?"
Santana pressed a kiss to her forehead and one to her lips before stepping around her and approaching Rachel. The diva stood on the other side of the room from them by the stage, eyes on the floor, hands clasped in front of her. When she heard Santana move, Rachel's gaze snapped up to her and she took a half step back. The Latina immediately stopped – hurt flitting through her but she shoved it down. This was going to be even harder than she'd expected…
"Do you remember when we all went to Breadstix together, Rach?"
Rachel blinked, looking confused, but nodded.
"For every question you answer, we'll answer one too. But it's gotta be truthful all round, okay? And you can ask anything." Santana watched her carefully. She was sick of not knowing for sure, of hiding how she felt about the diva. She just needed some fucking answers so she knew where they all stood finally.
Rachel swallowed the lump in her throat. "Okay."
Brittany and Quinn moved to join them nervously. The blondes' eyes were on Santana – she was staring very intensely at Rachel. They knew this was it, finally make or break for them. Their hearts thundered, palms sweated, so much could go wrong here but… but so much could go right too. It was a risk they had to take if they ever wanted their family to be whole…
Santana spoke before anyone else could – her voice layered with desperation, she needed to know… "Do you really want us to stay away from you? 'Cuz if it's what you want, if it'll make you happy and keep you safe then… we will."
Rachel's lip quivered, her eyes filled with agony and conflict as they flickered to the blondes. "I… Truthfully?"
The three girls nodded, waiting with bated breath. Fuck was it going to hurt if she said yes…
The diva closed her eyes and choked back her fear. "I want you to be safe. And being around me has only gotten you all hurt. So if you stay away…" Her logic was sound, or so she thought.
"Firstly, that's absolute bullshit and you know it. And secondly, you didn't answer the question, Rachel. Answer it." Santana snapped, huffing in annoyance.
Rachel averted her eyes from Santana, answering in a strained whisper. "No. I don't want that. It won't make me happy at all. In fact, I think it might just destroy me entirely."
A relieved smile spread across Santana's face as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Me too." She admitted.
"And me." Brittany nodded, twisting her fingers together.
"And me." Quinn gave her a sad half shrug, eyes lingering on Rachel's own for an intense moment – making the diva's heart skip a beat.
"Okay, but… have you all been hurt as a direct result of having me in your lives?" Rachel pressed, daring them to lie to her.
Santana sighed, Quinn rolled her eyes and Brittany frowned sadly.
"Have you been hurt as a direct result of having us in your life?" Quinn folded her arms and raised an eyebrow pointedly.
Rachel humphed. "That wasn't an answer!"
"You answer mine and we'll answer yours," Quinn shrugged making Rachel snap her mouth shut. "I thought as much."
Rachel bit the inside of her cheek and held her tongue. They all knew what the truth was. It was just… no one wanted to admit it because every single person there believed the hurt to be worth it to have the others in their lives.
"Okay then!" Rachel drew herself up to her full height. She wet her lips with her tongue and reached deep within herself, gathering the courage she needed… "Do you want to be with me?"
The question had barely left Rachel's mouth before three voices answered:
"Yes."
Rachel's jaw dropped and her heart soared. "Really?"
Santana shook a finger at her, barely able to contain her beaming smile. "That was two questions, Rach. It's our turn."
The diva rolled her eyes but couldn't hold back her huge grin.
"Do you want to be with us?"
Rachel had expected the question; she had been waiting on it, hoping for it even. She met each girls' eyes in turn, lingering on Quinn as she answered. "More than anything." She watched as Quinn's whole body seemed to relax, her demeanour changing from tense, uncertain to light and confident. It made Rachel's heart sing to know she had such an effect on the usually, for her, unreadable girl.
Brittany bounced excitedly opposite Quinn, a giddy laugh escaping her as she shot over to Rachel and scooped the girl up in a massive hug. Santana took in her girls with such love in her eyes, happiness radiating from her as she met the diva's gaze. The Latina took a step towards the embracing blonde and brunette, Quinn following suit.
"Britt." Santana called to the dancer. "We have to keep going."
Brittany glanced over her shoulder at the Latina and pouted but relented and placed Rachel back on her feet before stepping away. "It's your turn again, Rach."
The diva calmed her fluttering heart, her skin tingling where Brittany's lips had littered her face and neck with kisses. God, she had missed the girl and it had only been a few hours that she had spent hidden away from them both, even longer away from Santana… she ached for them all. Especially when Santana looked at her the way she was right then – her dark eyes intense, bright, mesmerising, full of… love…
Rachel's eyes fell on Quinn again. "You told me earlier that you were trying to help Santana and I get together. Why?" Her voice shook as she spoke, nearly failing her, but she refused to let her courage fail her this time.
Brittany shot Quinn a told-you-so look making the shorter blonde roll her eyes. She turned to Rachel and pointedly held her gaze. "Because I see how you look at each other. I see the longing, and the lust, as well as the affection and how much you care for each other. I didn't want her to lose you. I…" Quinn hesitated, the words almost getting caught in her throat as she finally opened up to the diva. "I didn't want to lose you."
"You… didn't want to lose me?" Rachel could hardly believe her ears – was Quinn Fabray really saying that she-
"I care about you, Rachel. You're kind, unstoppable, insanely talented, beautiful… you got under my skin from the moment we met, in good and bad ways! You're also difficult, demanding, and dramatic as hell but… but it took the absolute terror of almost losing you, of seeing you so fucking broken and hurting to make me realise I don't want to live the rest of my life without you in it. So if getting you and Santana to stop being morons and admit your feelings kept you in my life, then of course I'm going to do it." Quinn shrugged, pulling at a thread on her sleeve suddenly shy at the realisation of how much her mouth had run away from her. "I know we have a difficult history. We've hurt each other and caused a great deal of unhappiness and upheaval. And yeah, I was wary of you, but I don't really trust anyone except S and Britt. It took me a while to sort out how I felt, and to figure out if you even liked us the way we liked you. Or if you'd even want to be in our family. I was just scared that you wouldn't want us- wouldn't want me-"
Rachel all but launched herself at Quinn, wrapping her arms around the girl's neck and crushing their lips together with enough force to knock the breath from them both. Quinn's eyebrows shot up, but her eyes closed on instinct. She wound her arms around Rachel's waist and kissed her back as she steadied them on their feet.
"Of course I want you, Quinn! How could I not?" Rachel mumbled against the blonde's mouth, pressing kiss after kiss to her incredibly soft lips.
Now that she was finally kissing Quinn she found she couldn't stop… the blonde held her so close, their bodies melding together, her lips tasted wonderful – like vanilla and the diet coke she'd had earlier. Quinn was tender, a little hesitant, but so passionate as she breathed the diva in deeply and let the heady rush of her first kiss with Rachel wash over her until it was all she could think about. The way the girl wrapped herself around Quinn, the way she lost herself in her and trusted her so completely that she let Quinn take control made the blonde's whole body beg to do this all the time.
At last she understood what Santana and Brittany had been talking about – kissing Rachel was like being on stage at a competition, singing in front of hundreds of people, hitting every note, every cue and getting every move perfect. It was a rush, yet it felt so familiar. It was anticipation and anxiety, it was freedom and fear, it was… like living your dream every day and getting to come home to the love of your life every night. Or loves, Quinn thought to herself with a grin, in this case. She had wanted this for so fucking long that a part of her couldn't quite believe it was happening… until Rachel moaned into her mouth when their tongues touched, and Quinn felt proof that it was real throbbing between her legs.
Quinn just about managed to pull herself away from the diva, remembering where they were and what they were currently trying to achieve. She could have sworn she heard a soft whimper come from Rachel when their mouths finally parted, and Quinn untangled herself from the girl with a parting peck on the lips.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for," Rachel gasped out as she caught her breath.
Quinn could only chuckle. She glanced about at her girlfriends – they stood, in each other's arms, watching them with matching smiles and shimmering eyes. She could practically read their thoughts as their eyes met: fucking finally! Quinn rolled her eyes, blushing as Rachel linked their fingers together and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
Santana noted Quinn's embarrassment and quickly shifted the focus. "I guess it's our turn-"
"Are your dads okay with you being with us?" Brittany jumped in. She cocked her head at the diva, her curiosity getting the better of her. The dancer was very good at knowing and understand people, so she knew how important Rachel's fathers were to her, and how much of an influence they would have over the girl, so she wanted to know where they all stood.
Rachel thought for a few seconds. When she spoke, it was slowly and with consideration. "They like you, all of you. They asked me all week to invite you over for dinner one night when Santana was up for it. And dad doesn't get the fancy china out for just anyone!" She divulged with a laugh. "I haven't really had a chance to have that conversation with them, to be honest with you. There hasn't exactly been a good time in between the assaults and all the confusing feelings…" Rachel frowned, pursing her lips. "But I think they'll be okay with it. They've always been incredibly supportive and open-minded people so I don't see why they wouldn't."
"Perhaps the thought of us defiling their daughter might sway their opinion a bit!" Santana smirked.
Brittany elbowed her.
"What? It might!"
"It didn't put my parents off," Brittany shrugged, pressing a kiss to Santana's cheek.
The Latina's mouth fell open. "You told your parents?"
The dancer nodded. "Why do you think they always whistle loudly or announce where they're going whenever they come upstairs?"
"I just thought that was one of their quirks!" Santana looked stunned. Then a frown furrowed her brow. "Wait, they've done that for almost as long as I've known you…"
"Uh huh. Well, they've been doing it since they caught us kissing that first time when we were in fifth grade. Remember? You tripped over Lord Tubbington and fell out the window."
Santana smiled fondly. "Of course I remember that, Britt-Britt."
"And 'cuz I told them I wanted to marry you the first day I met you in Kindergarten so they took it pretty seriously. Mom says they started the whistling thing mostly so dad didn't accidentally scar himself for life by walking in on us, but she said it was also 'cuz she wanted us to have a safe space to be together." Brittany tucked a strand of hair behind Santana's ear and ghosted their lips together, a smile curling her mouth when Santana's eyes fluttered closed and she leaned in.
Brittany obliged, kissing the Latina so softly and sweetly, earning herself a sigh of contentment.
"Thank you for telling me that, mi amor." Santana curled her fingers around the back of Brittany's neck and held the blonde close until her heart settled and her love for the beautiful dancer stopped threatening to overwhelm her. "I'm so fucking glad there's now two of us who have decent parents." She laughed a little shakily as she glanced over at Rachel, exchanging a smile with the diva.
Rachel cleared her throat. "Can-Can I ask anything?"
Santana held her gaze and smiled softly. "Anything you want, Rach."
Rachel nodded distractedly. There were so many things she still didn't, and still wanted to, know about the family. So she started at the beginning… "Why did you change?"
Santana stiffened. The blondes glanced between the brunettes, their eyes not missing the sudden tension that had appeared in their girlfriend – they were actually very curious about the answer too. Yes, Santana had told them many times that it was because she hadn't wanted to lose them, but it had always felt like she was holding something back.
"O-Over the summer, I mean," Rachel clarified. Her eyes darted between the Unholy Trinity as she clocked the change in the mood.
"I know what you meant, Rach," Santana breathed, her voice quiet and vulnerable almost.
She should have expected this question, should have prepared some half-truths to protect her girls but she hadn't. And she found that she didn't want to lie any more. The truth would hurt but it would also at long last break down that last wall between them. And anyway, she had promised Rachel the truth.
Releasing her hold on Brittany, the Latina gathered her strength and her determination. "I… I tried to kill myself."
Sharp inhales of breath filled the room, but no one spoke. All eyes were fixed to Santana – wide, sad, confused eyes.
"Last year was…" Santana heaved a deep sigh and shook her head. "Bad. My abuela, the one decent, loving parental figure in my life, called me disgusting, depraved, and told me to never darken her doorstep again. My father decided I was a complete lost cause and hadn't bothered to so much as look at me in months. My mother forgot she even had a kid most days. School was soul destroying – watching Kurt get bullied for daring to love and be himself, feeling Q pull away and having to watch her break while I couldn't do a damn thing, having all these expectations, and labels, and assumptions piled onto me and having to live up to them all every day was just… exhausting." Santana's whole body seemed to slump as she remembered those feelings. Her voice cracked when she spoke again. "I lost myself. I had no idea who the fuck I was. I didn't believe things could ever get better, that I could ever be happy and free to love who I loved." Santana's gaze fell on Brittany.
The dancer had tears spilling down her cheeks, her fingers clutching at the material of her pants so tight it looked like they might rip. "I knew it, San," She whispered.
Santana reached out for the girl again and took her hands, thumbs rubbing circles into the backs of them. "I know, Britt. You didn't leave me alone for weeks after everything with my abuela. You always did know me better than anyone, even myself. It wasn't until I realised why you hadn't left my side that the thought even consciously occurred to me, to be honest."
Brittany's bottom lip quivered so violently she could barely get her next words out. "When did you…?"
Santana almost didn't answer. But she knew she owed it to the girls. "The night Q showed up on my door step at the start of Summer."
"What?" Quinn lurched towards the blonde and brunette, disbelief and absolute heart break dripping from her voice at the thought of how close she had come to losing Santana…
Santana couldn't bring herself to meet her girlfriends' eyes, shame and embarrassment almost stealing her words from her. "Britt… Britt had had to go home. I had been… taking things, pills, one by one for about fifteen, twenty minutes before you knocked, Q." She was not proud of herself but in the moment… it had seemed like her only option. Life had defeated her and she just couldn't keep fighting any more. It was too fucking hard. But… "As soon as I saw you stood there, looking so beautiful and so broken, I knew I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I chugged the last of Coach Sylvester's Master Cleanse I had in the fridge and spent the next hour throwing up on and off."
"Seems the batshit crazy woman finally did some good," Quinn managed to choke out in a shaky laugh as she dragged Santana to her for a hug that she had no intention of ever letting the girl go from. "I don't even want to think about what would have happened if you hadn't text me to go over that night, Britt. I almost fucking didn't… God!"
Santana's head whipped round to give Brittany a confused look.
The dancer just shrugged and let out a watery laugh. "Do you really think I would ever abandon you when you needed me? Even when I can't be physically with you, I am always looking after you. Like I told you, you just have to let me, you just have to trust us."
Santana wrapped an arm around Brittany's neck and dragged her into the hug too, a disbelieving chuckle slipped from her. It was followed swiftly by a pained sob. "I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. I should have told you… I shouldn't have even thought about doing it. I'm a fucking fuck up, and a fucking dumbass."
"You are a dumbass. But not for that," Quinn murmured into the Latina's ear. She didn't bother trying to stop the tears as they fell. So much had happened these last few weeks and they had barely had time to sleep, never mind process and deal with it all. Quinn was surprised she hadn't broken down before now but hearing Santana talk about… that… about how much pain she had been in, how hopeless she had felt… She couldn't imagine her life without her girls. And the thought that she had come so close to… She just buried her face in Santana's neck and cried, safe in her girlfriends' arms.
Santana lost her fingers in Quinn's hair, massaging gentle circles into her scalp. She knew the blonde had been at breaking point for a while now, and although she hated herself for being the reason that she finally broke, Santana was glad she got to be there to hold her tight and help pick her back up again. She never wanted any of her girls to go through shit alone ever again. She never wanted them to get to the dark, hopeless place that she had and think there was no other way out. Because there was always another way.
Yeah, maybe the only reason she had not finished the pill bottle that night was because she saw how much Quinn needed her. It had made her realise she still had a purpose, still had a reason to keep existing, at least for a little while longer anyway… but she had made her mind up to stick around for good when she finally started letting the blondes in and letting them love her. Well, 'let' isn't quite the right word! It was more like they sledgehammered their way in and refused to allow her to give up on herself.
She couldn't help the quiet laugh that slipped out. Nightmare Rachel had been right – Brittany and Quinn were her reason for being alive, they had saved her over and over and over again just by loving her, just by trusting her, just by existing... She tucked Brittany into her side even closer until they were flush against each other, smiling into the dancer's temple as she hid her face in Santana's neck.
"I love you both so fucking much." The Latina peppered kisses from one blonde to the other and back again until she heard them laugh weakly and nudge at her with their heads to get her to cut it out. She let her head drop to rest between them, eyes sliding closed.
Santana felt someone tugging on her shirt then and opened her eyes again to find Rachel stood beside her; the diva's big brown eyes swimming with tears, her hands shaking as she fiddled with the hem of the Latina's shirt.
"I-I had no idea, Santana. I'm s-so sorry, I never should have-"
"No, Rach. I'm glad you did. I wasn't brave enough to tell them by myself so thank you." Santana dipped her head to meet the diva's gaze. She held an arm open for the girl, just hoping that maybe-
Rachel didn't even have to think. She fell into the embrace with a loud sob. The blondes shifted so she could sink into the middle of them all and the diva just let the three girls hold her as she fell apart right along with them. The moment Rachel trusted the family to hold her as she came apart - as the months of shit and confusion and hopelessness overwhelmed her and rendered her broken - things finally started feeling right again.
Not just for Rachel either – the Unholy Trinity felt like the final piece of their puzzle had just slipped into place. And they gave a collective sigh of relief – as if somehow, they just knew things would be okay now that they were together. The diva had felt that too – had felt the warm, real bodies pressing in all around her like a comfort blanket and a suit of armour rolled into one. She felt so safe, so loved, so… happy that it only made her sob harder and the girls hold her even tighter to them.
The horrible irony of it all was that they had never felt so close to each other than they did in that moment. Rachel's soul jarred every time she thought about the fact that she could have lost Santana before she had ever found her… it sent panic rippling up her spine until her lungs felt like they were being crushed. If it hadn't been for the Latina's pulse thrumming hard and loud where Rachel's ear was resting against her neck, if it hadn't been for Brittany's warm breath on her face and Quinn's body crushed up against her own, the diva knew she would have already been in the throes of such a terrifying panic attack. The girls grounded her, and she never wanted to be more than a few seconds away from being in their arms ever again.
So Rachel said the words that had been carved on her heart and sat on the tip of her tongue since she had learned about the little family and saw their love with her own eyes - since their Breadstix date… maybe even before that, she wasn't quite sure. She pulled back just a little, lifting her head up off of Santana to look the Latina in the eye.
"I know it's not my turn to ask…" The diva started hesitantly, dashing away her tears.
Santana smiled softly at her, nodding her encouragement.
"I-I made a promise to myself weeks ago that… that if I couldn't have all of you then I couldn't have any of you. But I want to be a part of your family so much it actually hurts!" Rachel clenched her fist over her heart and squeezed her eyes shut. "So… if you want me, I'm yours. Can-Can I be a part of your family?" The last sentence came out in a rush of words, so fast that even Rachel wasn't quite sure if she made any sense.
But the way Santana was grinning like a Cheshire cat at her, dark eyes sparkling brilliantly, the diva knew she had understood.
"Rach…" The Latina glanced at the blondes. "You're already a part of our family. We've just been waiting on you."
Quinn and Brittany couldn't help but laugh as the diva squeaked and bounced on the balls of her feet giddily.
"Really?!"
Santana nodded earnestly. She watched the diva with soft eyes as she craned her neck to kiss first Brittany and then Quinn happily before focusing back in on Santana. Rachel had to stretch just a little, her hands gripping the Latina's shirt, tugging her until their mouths met. They breathed each other in for a long minute; just revelling in the feeling, the taste, the warmth of the kiss. Rachel could not even fathom how incredibly fortunate she was to have three such wonderful, caring, beautiful girls in her life. And how fucking lucky she was that she could kiss and hold and care for each one of them so openly now.
"Well…" Santana broke the kiss reluctantly to suck in a breath. "You might want to answer my last question before you decide whether you do want to be with us or not."
Rachel frowned and drew back. "What are you talking about? Santana?"
The Latina licked her lips nervously. She gently parted the four of them so she could gauge each of their reactions, but her focus remained on Rachel as she spoke. "Is there anything that Hudson could do, or that we could do to make you ever want to get back with him?"
Quinn raised an eyebrow suspiciously as Brittany cocked her head. Rachel recoiled a little, her lip curling in disgust at the mention of her dating Finn.
"I don't want him, Santana. I want you. All of you. And there is not a single thing I could think of that would ever make me change my mind about that." Rachel all but stamped her foot, annoyed that this was still on the girl's mind. "Why?" The diva leaned away from the Latina to narrow her eyes, scrutinizing her. "What happened at the Hudson-Hummel's, Santana? Did… Did Finn say something? Did he do something to you?"
AN: I hope the fifteen chapter build up was worth it! They finally know how each other feels and that they all want to be together XD now if only Finn would fuck off forever... yeeeeaaaah, that's not gonna happen. He's a determined motherfucker, that's for sure!
I look forward to hearing what you guys think! Hope you have a good week and I shall be back with the next chapter when it's written, I promise =)
Much love,
Maxx