I remember, when I was younger, Bella taking me to the cliffs at La Push after I'd begged her. We'd stood on the cliff staring at the crashing waves as the wind whipped around us. I'd shivered, but nothing had truly affected me at that moment in time – it was just me and my mom. For years, we'd visited the beach with the pack accompanying us; a place we could go to and not worry about recognition or being discovered. We'd share a seat on some driftwood and watch twilight fall into night, witnessing which phase of the moon appeared among the stars.

One particular day had a rare spell of sunshine, and while I was transfixed at Bella's glittering skin, I also watched the boys plummet from the cliffs into the ocean water and then emerge with grins on their faces. I wanted to do that. Never having done anything that reckless before, because we didn't know to what extent my body could endure hardships like a vampire, I never tried to do anything that hazardous. I begged and pleaded with Bella to let me do it just once. She'd refused at first, but when I reminded her that Seth was still young and was participating, she'd relented.

I stood by her side staring blankly at the fall below. Bella was talking to me, telling me that I could always change my mind, but I couldn't exactly hear her; the sound of the waves dominated my senses. I wasn't until I'd felt her hand take hold of mine that I turned to face her.

"We can always go back," she'd told me. The look in her eyes told me that she secretly hoped I would have done. It was because of that look that I told her I didn't want to.

I'd looked at the ocean again and told her the truth, "I feel so stupid. I asked to do this and now I'm up here hesitating about it."

"It's okay to be scared, Ness. You may not be totally human but you still think like one. Everyone's afraid of something, even me," she had reassured.

I would have asked her to elaborate on her fears if I knew I wasn't stalling. So I'd told her I wasn't afraid, "I'm not afraid, not really. It's just that, I don't know what it's going to feel like, or how I'm going to fair at the end."

"It's the unknown." With a small inclination of her head, Jake had stepped from behind us and had offered me a cheeky grin before he'd jumped. I'd watched his dive, holding my breath until I saw him emerge and look up at us.

"We can't know everything. There will come a time when we all need to make decisions based on the present and not worry about the consequences because we don't know how things will turn out. It's just a case of taking the chance and seeing how things will work out, or not take the risk and save yourself the strain. Of course, then you'd get the 'what if's'."

She'd let go of my hand and taken a step back. She'd smiled reassuringly and nodded. That smile had told me that it was my time to make that choice. Before hesitation could creep in again, I turned and leapt in the air over the edge; my heart hammering in my ears as I took the risk. The fall was graceful and exhilarating. I'd hit the water and heard the muffled sound of a second fall. My mom had been right behind me.

Decisions like that we rare for me: the cliff jump and the decision to come to college. I never figured that once I was here that I would be faced with another – one that affected more than just me. I had the choice now after embracing the knowledge of my vampire heritage; either I could ignore the situation and carry on as normal, or I could ignore them and pretend they never existed. The problem that was affecting my decision was that I didn't know which one fell under the 'risk' category. Remembering that day, I knew that my mom would be with me all the way - she'd proved that enough times in my life.

There was, of course, a third option and that was to acknowledge them and tell them who I was and get to know them, but I thwarted that idea. Bella and Charlie meant the world to me and I knew what having the Cullens in our life would do to them emotionally.

I was sat up in my bed again, the thick duvet pulled up around my waist. My back was propped up with the pillows and I was sketching absentmindedly from my mind's eye; my sketchbook resting on my raised knees. When I sketched absentmindedly, I never really saw what I was drawing until I'd completed the picture. For the past week of doing nothing but sketch, the meanings there were anything but happy: despair, confusion, hate, sorrow...

But sketching was the only thing I could do to pass the time. I hadn't attended any classes for just over a week. My professors and classmates were all under the impression I was sick – a message passed to them by Jenna.

Somehow Jenna knew I was lying and after two days of sitting in my secluded state, she'd pounded on the door demanding entrance. I'd opened the door and she'd thrown herself at me full force asking me how I was. I'd broke down again in her arms and it took a full forty minutes of comforting words, hugs, and ice-cream to fight my emotions enough that I could fill in the gaps to what she already knew. It turned out that Dawn was Bella's new trusted confident and had relayed instructions to Jenna to check on me because they were worried.

The book in question had laid haphazardly splayed on the floor where it was launched; I hadn't considered moving it until Jenna went to retrieve it. She'd sat and filled through the pages; her eyes blazing as she landed on the photos that were revealed. It took five minutes of pleading and reassurance to get her to read the entire final letter to me. She'd hesitated and flat out refused... but I needed to hear it, and I wasn't strong enough to hold myself together as I read it on my own. I partially zoned out as she read the beginning – the part I had already read. My heart broke as she read to the end:

I don't know what I did to make them leave me, I honestly don't and if I knew I'd probably understand better. In a sense I do understand; I knew I could never measure up to them but I'd built a relationship with every single one of them. I guess the difference between our species was too great to carry on. The only one to say goodbye was him and even then his words broke me completely. He told me he didn't want me and that was the worst part, knowing that all along our entire relationship had been a lie and that hurt more than I can express with words. I understood the danger they posed. Jasper almost attacked me once on my 18th birthday because of a single drop of blood. He would have done too if it had not been for those who held him back. I was scared at the time but I knew the risk and I was willing to take that if it meant being a part of their family. But I guess the risk wasn't enough for some. I think that night played a part, but I do not know for certain. The only person who can give me answers is the one person I wish to avoid.

I can't help feeling that I was used. I was a young, naive human and the vampire whom I loved was deeply attracted to my blood. It also wasn't long after you were conceived. In fact, it was barely a few days later that they'd left, so you see why I feel used. Maybe a sense of guilt resided in one of them which forced them to remove themselves from my life. I'm not blaming the time that Edward and I shared, or my stupidity, because it gave me you, and that was a far better result than any I could have wished for. Knowing you were inside of me posed a different journey for me altogether. It took Jake a while to get used to the idea and of course, we had to introduce Charlie into the extremities of the other world and devise a plan that should keep me alive in case something went wrong, after all, you were part vampire.

Although I hate my feelings and the immobile state that I forced everyone to witness, I'd go through it all again for you; the pain, the heartache, the numbness, all of it. You are the best thing that happened to me, Ness.

I pray that you understand my past and the decisions I faced, and I pray you understand why I can't bring myself to face any of them again. But if you do wish to know them then I will somehow help you locate them. I promise.

I love you. Always.

I'd cried and cursed and clawed at my hair; dented the wall and destroyed my pillows; my pent up rage evident as I screamed out the emotions caused by my new-found knowledge.

One look at Jenna's panicked expression had shocked me out of it. It was then my human reactions occurred and I'd collapsed to the floor in tears. Jenna had held me on the floor, much like Bella had done the first night I found out. Being held in Jenna's arms like this, I remembered the next morning after waking up to find myself curled on my mother's chest.

She was stroking my hair affectionately and kissing my forehead as I awoke. She'd told me that she had to go and that she was sorry for making me cry. Her selflessness had never annoyed me so much as it did at that precise moment. She was always blaming herself for something, turning the main focus away from other people's involvement, but it was hardly ever her fault. She'd blamed herself for making me cry, but it had been the actions of others that had made me so upset; more specifically, the Cullens' actions towards her. She'd told me that she had to leave to go and arrange some things back home but that Jake would be in the forest later so that I could go hunting with him. I'd refused at first but then she scolded me for not taking care of myself, because it was blatantly obvious that I needed to feed. She'd left after kissing my head and telling me she loved me a final time.

I'd gone to Jake that night and I could see how uncomfortable he felt being so close to the campus, now knowing who else attended. As soon as I was in his arms, he'd relaxed immediately. I could understand his torment: whilst my mom had lived it, Jacob had watched her live it and knew the truth from the very beginning.

Reliving these memories had me drawing another dark picture. Looking at its form, I saw a girl looking at herself in the mirror watching the happy smile in her reflection's face whilst she stood looking sombre and pregnant.

A frantic hammering on the door had me break away from my drawing and looking to the intrusive sound. I walked to the door and sniffed the air, identifying the person on the other side. I'd begun doing this to avoid any surprise visits from a certain unwanted vampire. The familiar human scent told me it was my best friend standing behind the wooden rectangle. Another series of knocks resounded. I yanked open the door before she could cause more noise. It was still early in the morning, barely seven AM. She pushed me back into the room and slammed the door behind her before turning a serious, rather threatening (for a human) gaze on me. She planted her feet firmly on the floor and folded her arms across her chest.

"Renesmee Swan," she began, "I am not – repeat, not – going to allow you to stay held up in this bloody room anymore. You and I both know you are not sick and that the only reason you don't want to leave is because you don't want to run the risk of bumping into two certain douche bags, well, tough shit! You need to pull yourself together and be the friend that I know rather than running scared because of them. Don't you dare deny that you're not, Nessie, because you are. I may be human but I am your friend first and foremost. I've had to suffer through watching them parade themselves and have had Alice coming up to me and asking me questions regarding your whereabouts. I am doing this because I care about you and I am not collecting anymore notes for you. We have a lecture this afternoon which you can't afford to miss and I know that you've missed seminars, lectures and practical sessions in your other classes too. Pull yourself together, woman, and ignore the bastards if that's what you want, but don't hide yourself."

Her speech was complete with hands gestures and an obscene amount of pointing. She concluded by folding her arms across her chest and giving a short, sharp nod.

"Are you finished?"

She nodded then stuck her chin out as if expecting me to defy her, "Yes, I am."

I sighed because I knew she was right. "Okay. Let me get dressed."

Jenna's eyebrows shot up. "'Okay'? You've just accepted it like that?" She asked, snapping her fingers.

I hid my amusement. "Yeah. Jenna, you're right, I can't hide forever."

She dropped her arms and her entire body relaxed out of its stiff posture. "Well of course I am, I was just expecting you to put up more of a fight."

I shrugged then collected my toiletries and my robe to take to the bathroom.

"I'm not giving you long. You need a nice big breakfast!" I raised an eyebrow at her. "I have it on good authority that you haven't eaten anything human since last week."

"I had a tin of soup two days ago!" I protested.

Jenna snorted and plopped herself down on the end of my bed. "Soup should not be classified as food. And it's not suitable either. Now, go and get dressed!"

Admittedly, the shower worked wonders to my tense body. Lathering my body with soap and scrubbing the tension from my back under the steaming, pelting water was amazing. Of course, I couldn't stay any longer for the sake of Jenna's patience and my sanity – I wouldn't have put it passed her to have burst into the shower cubicle and dragged me back to my dorm stark naked.

Wrapping my now pristine body in my robe, I slumped back to the room reluctantly accepting the fate that lay ahead.

Upon entering, I saw Jenna sprawled on the bed with her hands resting behind her head waiting 'patiently' for my return. By her feet was an outfit that had been laid out for me, underwear and all. I huffed and dressed in what she'd presented. She remained quiet as I brushed my teeth and scraped my hair into a ponytail. I retrieved the shoes she'd chosen for me and pulled them onto my sock covered feet. I straightened up and saw Jenna now leaning against the doorframe, holding my backpack out to me expectantly. The bag remained unzipped, and from the slightly open pouch, I could see the stationary and resources I needed for my morning art class.

"Get moving," Jenna ordered. "We gotta eat."

I pouted but followed her anyway.

I bought and ate an apple and a granola bar, under Jenna's watchful eye. I kind of felt bad for Jenna, all she was doing was looking out for me – like my mother had asked her to – and the only thing she was getting in return was my indifference. She'd tried to make conversation that didn't revolve around the recent news bulletin of my life, and all I'd done was ignore her attempts. After eating, she brought up a different subject that I actually paid attention to as she walked me to my class.

"Your mom told me that Jacob's patrolling this morning. She thought it was best that he was around in case class got a bit heavy for you. He's sticking close by."

I smiled at the thought but it didn't quite show on my face.

As soon as Charlie got back to Forks, he'd rounded up Jake and the pack and filled them in on his visit to campus. Safe to say, they weren't impressed and Jake nearly exploded. They'd devised a security procedure alongside Bella and decided that they would alternate watching the grounds from afar. All I had to do was go to the woods and they'd be there with me. Knowing Jake was close by was a real fear reliever. "How come my mom tells you these things and not me?"

"Because Bella knows that I'll hear what she's saying," she pointed out. "Nessie, your mom is your mom and she knows you a whole lot better than I do. She can tell when you're not fine, even though you say you are. She's looking out for you as best she can."

My heart plummeted; I'd not be fair to her either. "I know."

Jenna pulled me into a hug outside the classroom and whispered a simple 'good luck' in my ear.

I inhaled and walked into the room. It wasn't full yet so I took my usual seat for the seminar and got out a notebook and a pencil. Helen greeted me warmly and asked how I was feeling after my bout of 'illness'. I told her I was fine.

I tried not to think of a certain classmate that had yet to enter the room and avoided looking towards those who entered by doodling. Lost in the little drawings, I didn't sense anyone's presence next to me until I heard the thud of a bag hit the floor to my right.

"Hey Nessie!" It was my classmate, Sarah. "I hope you're feeling better."

"Yes, thanks," I mumbled.

"I'm glad I caught you before class. There's a party this weekend to say goodbye before the holidays. Same time, same place as the last one, okay?"

I smiled and nodded. But it was then that I saw the profile of the black-haired vampire enter through the door. "Sounds great! Hey, would you sit with me today?"

Sarah smiled in return but her eyebrows furrowed, "Sure, but doesn't Alice usually sit here?"

I took a small glance at said girl and saw her looking directly at me across the room her head tilted the smallest fraction in confusion. "Usually, but she can sit somewhere else today."

My smile as Sarah took the seat was genuine - she had no idea how much she had just saved me. The astonished look on Alice's face as she took the seat Sarah normally occupied was just as genuine.

Helen strolled over to the door and slammed it closed, signalling the beginning of class and quietening the room.

She began with some notices before recapping on the lecture I'd apparently missed in my absence on Andy Warhol. Throughout the class, I felt Alice's continuous gaze and ignored it. The few times that I caught her eye, however, I didn't return the timid smile she wore. Eventually, she must have realised my change in demeanour and attitude as she stopped smiling altogether. Her face was a blank mask to others. However, Jenna and I had been the ones to spend the most time with Alice and I could pick up on the hints of confusion and upset. On anyone else the expression would have had me concerned - but not her.

Toward the end of the class, Helen announced a paired project: "Andy Warhol is our chosen artist. In pairs, you will create your own canvas range of pop-art using his style and techniques as your inspiration. All aspects of this project will be graded. The good news is: you can choose your own partners."

I turned to Sarah immediately, but she fortunately beat me to the punch, "Will you be with me, please?"

"Of course I will!" I replied, ecstatically.

My eyes drifted up and I saw Alice looking directly at me. She was closer to us now as if she'd been approaching. Her eyes flicked between Sarah and I before hurt clouded her features and she turned out of the room. For a split second, I felt bad.

I got out of there quick, storming into the cool outdoors where I relaxed. Alice wasn't supposed to upset me like that. Of course she upset me, but that was under different circumstances; I felt guilt - which I shouldn't. I needed Jake and I needed to hunt; two birds with one stone and all that?

I made my way to the forest hastily, only to be stopped in my tracks by the person approaching me... the one person who I wanted to suffer more than Alice and the rest of their coven put together.

Strolling toward me with a fierce expression on his face was Edward Cullen.

"Nessie, can we talk?" He growled.

I stopped dead. Shit, hide thoughts. "I have nothing to say to you."

His face held a very pronounced scowl. I simply turned and walked away.

"Wait," he implored.

I turned back to him and forced my vampire instinct to kick in as I spat at him, "Leave me alone!"

That startled him enough for me to make my escape. He didn't follow me.