Chapter where Jess visits Doula with Annie! Enjoy!
Annie sucks her strawberry milkshake through her straw, swinging her legs. She's pleasantly tired after some hours of walking and her father leans back beside her, taking a sip of coffee and closing his eyes. They are in New York for the day. Usually, on trips to New York, either Richie or Charlotte are with them, but Charlotte is travelling before starting college and Richie is in school. Annie has an entire day off due to a teacher conference, and, as Rory is working, she and Jess are unaccompanied. Annie is pretty happy about this. Her parents always make time for days alone with their children, but those are usually limited to where they live. Rory takes Charlotte alone to New York sometimes, to see Logan, but Annie can't think of anytime she hasn't gone without Richie. She has her father all to herself and they've spent the entire morning taking in the city. It feels special, just the two of them. Satisfied, Annie finishes her drink and lets out a contented sigh.
"You good, Annie-girl?" Jess asks, smiling at her and Annie nods vigorously.
"Daddy, can we go to the Plaza?"
"Jeez, talk about rich taste," Jess chuckles. "Not sure if my wallet's going to stretch that far, kiddo."
"I just want to see it," Annie clarifies. "Because of Eloise. Can we go look at it?"
"Sure," Jess says fondly. "You know, if we skip buying books we could maybe get tea there."
"No, I want a book," Annie says firmly. She doesn't even have to consider it. Her father laughs again, leaning over to tuck a spare curl over his daughter's shoulder. Annie bounces impatiently in her seat.
"I'm done."
"Give me a second, Annie. We've walked around New York all morning!"
Jess lifts up his coffee cup, suppressing a yawn, and Annie smiles. It's so refreshing having a day in New York which doesn't revolve around making time to see Logan, or have her mom and dad talk about when they lived there after Charlotte was born. Even if Charlotte isn't with them, there has to be some compromise made between what Annie and Richie want to do and there's usually at least ten minutes of squabbling. The only thing all of them agree on is the bookstore. It sucks being the youngest. Everyone else is older and gets to do more, and boss Annie around too. Richie accuses his sister of using being the baby to get her way, but Annie sees it as only fair. She's the one who has to go to bed barely any time after they get home. Either way, today is her day with her father, a day where Annie gets to pick out where they go and what they see, and she never wants it to end.
Her father finishes his coffee and stretches.
"You know, if your mom was here she'd be through five cups already," Jess remarks. "I bet someday you'll be just as addicted."
Annie shrugs. She's liked the sips she's been permitted but isn't desperate for a cup of coffee over milkshake. Her father puts his jacket back on, checking he hasn't left anything in the booth, when his cellphone rings.
"Damn," Jess groans. "I knew I should have left this thing at home."
Rory made him take it, after Jess teased her about leaving it upstairs. Did we need cellphones that day you surprised me in New York? he asked and laughed when Rory said, seeing as I totally misread the bus timetable, I'd say yes. Her parents love that story - how Rory missed school one day and just jumped on a bus to see Jess. Her mother's eyes are animated as she describes going around the city in her uniform, spending an entire day on a whim, but are somewhat sad when she winds the tale up. Rory managed to get a slow bus and what with that and traffic, she missed Nana Lorelai's graduation. Still, she says it was an incredible day and doesn't regret it. Jess says it wouldn't have been the same if they'd called each other on a cellphone. He leaves his at home if they all go out together, but Annie knows he was only teasing Rory this morning. Jess never leaves it if they go out of town. Right now he looks as though he regrets this decision as he cautiously answers, "Hello?"
Annie can't hear the voice on the other line but her question is answered as Jess exclaims, "Doula?"
Annie sits up, interest kindled. She sees Aunt Doula maybe once a year. She was born after her dad left home and lived in Stars Hollow before promptly leaving at eighteen. According to her father she lives a beatnik existence, whatever that is, never settling down. Annie can't remember ever visiting her in the same place twice and Doula has never even been to their house. Right now Jess is crinkling his brow, his mouth in a line, and he doesn't sound happy as he says, "Seriously? Doula, I'm in New York with my daughter. No - Annie. Yeah, the younger one."
Another pause. Her father emits an annoyed sound, pauses again, and then says, "I can't just drop everything!"
There's a longer pause. Annie plays with her straw, blowing bubbles in the last of the liquid as though she's six again. Finally she drinks it, more air than milkshake, and jumps as Jess exclaims, "Fine! God - you're just like - okay fine, fine, I won't say it. I'll see you, but we can't stay. Text me the address. Great - bye."
He finishes the call and glares at the cellphone in his hand. Finally, he looks up and says, "We have to drop in on Aunt Doula."
Annie got that but doesn't point it out, instead asking, "Where's her place?"
"I don't know - she's going to send it to me."
"Do you know how to look it up."
Jess laughs, his face relaxing. "Jeez, Annie, I'm not that old! Cellphones did exist when I was young, believe it or not."
"Yeah, but you couldn't get internet on them."
Jess ignores that. His phone buzzes again and he opens the text, his face setting again.
"What?" Annie asks and her father blinks, trying to sound upbeat as he says, "Nothing - I just know where she lives. I don't need to look it up - I used to live in that neighbourhood. Come on."
"Are we going to have time for the Plaza?" Annie asks anxiously and her father plants a quick kiss on top her curls, nodding.
"This'll only take a second. Let's go."
Annie highly doubts it'll be as brief as that but is silent as she gets up. Her father leads them to the subway and it's a clear sign of how bothered he is that he remains quiet. Usually, every step in the city is peppered with anecdote. Annie is excited Jess ushers her into a seat on the train, sitting beside her and telling her to listen for when they get off. She stares into the dirty window opposite, feeling as though the bubbles from her drink are now bouncing inside her chest. Her cheeks are flushed with excitement. They go through a few stops before Jess finally gets up, gripping Annie's hand and hustling her off the subway and up the steps.
The neighbourhood is a far cry from the bustling city they walked around that morning. It's grimy, a dirty paper flapping right in front of Annie's feet before being flown up by the wind. A siren sounds in the distance and Annie can hear a child crying. Jess's hand is tight on hers as he leads her around one corner and then another before mounting a set of steps and loudly knocking on the door. Overhead, a window is pushed open and Annie gets a glimpse of a curly mane of hair before it instantly retreats, replaced with the sound of hurried footsteps. The door is tugged open and Annie stares at her aunt Doula, clad in jeans and a torn shirt, her hair long around her frowning face.
"Hey."
"Hey."
Brother and sister examine each other for a moment before Doula turns on heel and heads back upstairs, Jess and Annie following. Seems being quiet runs in the family, though Annie has only heard that it's just the men. Apparently it's Doula too. They enter her apartment, mostly bare with a torn cloth covering the window and dirty dishes in the sink.
"Jeez," Jess says, looking around. "See you're really taking care of the place."
"You should have seen it an hour ago," Doula snaps. "Take a seat - make yourself at home, or whatever."
Jess raises his eyebrows but sits on the sagging couch and, after a moment, Annie sits next to him. There's a faded rug on a floor with a stain father and daughter avoid putting their feet on.
"What happened?" Jess asks and, this time, his voice is softer. Doula looks softer too as she looks away and says, "Terry ran off."
"And he ran with your stuff?"
Doula nods, her throat sounding tight as she adds, "Not everything - he didn't know where I kept my money. But he swiped the television and the money we had for the week and..."
"There wasn't a lot more?" Jess guesses and his sister nods. Jess sighs, getting out his wallet.
"How much?"
"I don't know," Doula sniffles. "But Jess...I don't know what to do."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"He didn't -" Jess pauses, glancing at Annie. "Did he do anything besides take your stuff?"
"No, nothing like that. He just left me."
"Where are you working?"
"Here and there," Doula says vaguely and Jess sighs. He looks ready to say something else but instead gets up, going over to the refrigerator in the corner of the room which serves as a kitchen and opens it before instantly slamming it shut.
"I'm going to the store," he says. "You're out of everything."
"Do you know where a store even is?"
"I remember, I lived round here once. Come on, Annie."
"I want to stay here,"Annie says stubbornly. She never gets to talk to Doula and it doesn't seem fair to just go to the store with her father and then leave. There's a leather jacket hanging in the corner and a deck on cards on the table, along with some lopsided pottery, and Annie's curiosity is piqued.
"No," Jess says firmly. "I'm not leaving you alone."
"She's not alone, she's with me," Doula says. "It's fine."
"I don't think so."
"Jess, I might be a mess but I'm not going to walk out on her! I'm her aunt! And I won't let anyone in if it makes you feel better. Besides, you'll get through the store quicker without your kid."
Annie feels a little stung at that but keeps her mouth shut. She sees her father think, consider and finally say, "Fine. But if it's taking me more than twenty minutes I'm coming straight back."
"Jess, it's fine," Doula says in exasperation. "The store's down the street!"
After a moment Jess goes, still seeming unsure, and checks that the door is locked behind him. Aunt and niece look at each other and finally Doula says, "So you're Annie?"
"Yeah."
"You look like me when I was a kid. You've got blue eyes though...your mom's eyes, I guess."
"Yeah," Annie says again. They're her mother's eyes, the Gilmore eyes. She's a little indignant at being called a kid. She's eleven! She wears a bra! She looks around the apartment, wanting to investigate, and Doula says, "You want a drink?"
"What kind of drink?"
"Don't get too excited - a soda."
"Sure," Annie says and Doula fetches one from the mostly empty fridge, opening one for herself too. They sip for a while until Annie burps, covering her mouth with embarrassment. Doula doesn't seem to notice. Annie lifts up one of the pots on the table and says, "Did you make this?"
"You can tell me it's my talent, right?" Doula grins. "I should probably quit that."
"How come?"
"I thought it'd be more fun than it is, and I'm not exactly great it it. Got excited by the whole Ghost deal."
"What?"
"You know, Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze? Forget it," Doula says at her niece's blank face. "It's just from an old movie."
"Oh." Annie isn't sure what to say but privately decides to request Ghost for movie night. She puts the pot down next to some homemade jewellery, judging by the scattered gems.
"So a day out with your dad, huh?" Doula says eventually. "I didn't even know he was in town. My mom - our mom - would be going on about it being fate, some junk like that."
Annie swallows. She doesn't know her other grandmother very well. Liz used to live in Stars Hollow but spends most of her time travelling with a fair group, and her father doesn't seem too torn up over rarely seeing her.
"Mom always loves telling me about Jess," Doula continues. "My perfect big brother! A writer, and a dad, and taking in a kid who wasn't his. A freaking saint!"
Annie bristles slightly. "Charlotte's my sister," she says staunchly. "My dad's her dad too."
"Hey, I didn't mean anything by that," Doula says, sounding genuine. "Mom just goes on about how this other guy was involved."
Annie nods grudgingly and Doula's irritation returns as she adds, "I never even saw Jess when I was little - hardly ever. He hated visiting Mom, not that I blame him, and told me I was luckier than he was. Screw that."
Annie stares at her hands, unsure what to say, and Doula coughs, sounding embarrassed as she says, "Sorry, didn't mean to rant at you. So you're - how old? Ten? What about the other two?"
"Eleven," Annie says proudly, smug that her siblings aren't here. "Charlotte's nineteen and Richie's sixteen."
"Huh." Doula doesn't add to that and Annie is grateful that she doesn't make some comment about how the other day she was just a baby. Annie can't stand it when adults talk like that - how would they like it if she pointed out their new grey hairs?
"You weren't planned," Doula says suddenly. "I remember Jess telling me."
"I was a surprise," Annie corrects, a little affronted, and Doula chuckles.
"Yeah, you and me both. Seems that runs in the family, both sides for you, I guess. Keep that in mind."
"For what?" Annie asks, puzzled, and Doula shakes her head, her curls springing out.
"Never mind."
Annie finishes her soda in annoyance. Doula, it seems, isn't completely cooler than other adults. She's doing that thing where they make weird comments and laugh at you for not understanding, and then refuse to explain. How's she supposed to know?
Annie goes to the bathroom, washing her hands in the chipped sink, and walks around the bathroom when she comes out. A peek around the corner reveals a bedroom, a red length of fabric coating the light and casting a rosy glow across the messy bed and clothes on the floor. There's a scent of something like incense. Doula is flipping through a magazine and doesn't seem to mind as Annie examines everything, lifting the sleeve of the leather jacket.
"This is cool."
"That was your dad's."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously," Doula laughs. "He gave it to me when I was a baby and I started wearing it practically as soon as I started toddling. I wore it to Kindergarten too."
"Can I try it on?"
"Sure," Doula says after a pause and Annie pulls it on. She's admiring herself in a murky mirror when there's a bang on the door, making her jump, and Jess comes in with two full bags after Doula lets him in.
"Here," he pants, setting the bags down. "That should last a week."
"Thanks," Doula says. They pause for a moment and Jess says briskly, "Annie, take that jacket off and get ready to go."
"I don't want to go yet," Annie whines and Jess says, "We've done what we need to do."
"That's right," Doula flares up. "I'm just what you need to get out of the way!"
"Hey, you called me!"
"Yeah, because you never call! You were in town and didn't tell me!"
"I'm having a day with Annie," Jess retorts and scowls as Doula says, "Yeah, and how often do you call all the other times you're in New York?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know you're in New York? Last time we talked you were in California!"
"You never bother to check! And Mom called me to say she told you I moved here. How come you didn't call, Jess?"
"You know why! Because you always need bailing out!"
"Just like Mom!" Doula shouts, hands on hips. "That's what you were going to say, right?"
"What do you want me to say? Jeez, Doula, you're thirty-two! How much longer?"
"How much longer what?"
"This!" Jess exclaims, gesturing around the apartment. "You never figure anything out!"
"Oh, not like you, right? I should find a place in the suburbs, marry some guy and have a few kids! That's the dream!"
"I didn't say that," Jess says angrily. "I don't care how you figure it out, as long as you actually figure it out! Stay with a man, stay with a woman, or stay alone, I don't care! Just do something!"
Doula's jaw is working and, in that moment, she looks exactly like Jess. Annie stares at them both as Jess goes on, "When was the last time you were single?"
"That's none of your business!"
"I'm trying to help you! Maybe it would be good if you were alone for a while, Doula. Not getting involved with other people's stuff, know yourself more? Mom kept getting married because she couldn't handle being by herself. You can - you're way stronger than this! Right now you're throwing everything away!"
"What do you know?" Doula spits out. "You judge me, think I'm a loser, but you never cared. You hardly saw me when I was a kid and now here you are, with your own kid, giving me some life lesson?"
"You had a real home growing up," Jess argues, but he sounds a little guilty. "You had Liz and TJ and Luke and the whole town!"
"I hated living there, it was suffocating! Mom said you thought it too, but you never even called me! And half the time Mom was off doing her Renaissance gig and everyone at school laughed at me and called me a freak. It was really shitty. Yeah, I know you had it worse, you always have it worse, but now you're acting like if I just went to school or settled down I'd be happy!"
"I'm sorry I didn't visit more," Jess says, after taking a breath. "I am. But look, I'm not trying to be an ass. You're my sister, I care about you. And you don't have half the time you think, trust me. You need to find something of your own and make it your own, not jumping into other people's stuff. You're as smart as I am."
"High praise," Doula says sarcastically but she's a little subdued. "I'm not - I can't be a writer."
"No one's telling you to be a writer. Dammit, Doula. I'll help you, I promise, but you need to tell me what you need. It's got to better than this, right? I'd know. I was here."
Jess gestures around the room but Doula's eyes narrow, and Annie can sense the last remark was a mistake.
"My life's not yours," she says angrily. "You hardly know me."
"You can't keep using me not seeing you as an excuse not to pull it together!"
"Oh, now it's an excuse?" Doula shouts. "Relax, I'm not asking to be your pity project!"
"Doula -"
"My life might not look like yours but I like it!"
"You do?"
"Yes," Doula says defensively, hastily adding, "Breakup not included."
Jess raises his eyebrows and sighs, picking up his jacket.
"Fine. Whatever. You do you, or whatever it is they say. All I'm saying is that you can do more than enroll yourself on a pottery course every six months and depend on some guy who's not even worth glancing at."
"Sometimes it's a girl."
"My mistake," Jess says mildly. "Come on, Annie."
This time Annie doesn't protest. She slips off the jacket and lifts her hand in a quick wave as Jess lays some bills on the table and, just as they reach the door, Doula says, "Wait."
Jess turns around and she says sheepishly, "I don't blame it on you - how I am, I mean. I'll blame Mom instead."
She tries to laugh but it comes out more sad. Jess lays a hand on her shoulder and says seriously, "Don't blame it anyone - don't resign yourself to whatever anyone thinks. Figure out what you want to be."
"I don't know what I want to be."
"You'll figure it out," Jess says again. "And I'm here, Doula. I'm always here."
Doula nods, looking away again. Annie watches, wondering if they'll hug, but instead Doula waves and father and daughter make their way down the steps. Once away from the apartment Jess lets out a long, tired sigh.
"That was a blast from the past, huh. Sorry about that, Annie-girl."
"It's okay." Annie wants to hear more about Doula but isn't sure how to say so, and Jess smiles at her.
"I believe we have time to hit the Plaza."
"Daddy...do you mind if we don't go to the Plaza?"
"You sure?" Jess asks, surprised, and Annie nods.
"I'd rather just get hot chocolate and hit the bookstore," Annie says sincerely. "If that's okay."
"More than okay," Jess says and, even though she's eleven years old, he lifts his daughter into his arms and swings her in a circle before putting her down with a kiss. "How did I luck out with a kid like you?"
"I was a surprise," Annie comments and Jess stops, looking into her eyes for a moment.
"Best surprise I ever had," he tells her, squeezing her hand. "You're my girl. Let's go get that hot chocolate."
Half an hour later Jess and Annie are drinking hot chocolate in contented silence. Annie is tired now, but doesn't mind missing the Plaza. Seeing Doula was better and, with some courage, she asks, "How come you never saw Aunt Doula when she was a kid?"
Jess looks into his drink for a moment before finally saying, "She made me think of everything I left behind. If I saw Doula I was seeing Mom, and seeing both of them made me think of when I was a kid. It wasn't fun to think about. I always felt shaken up - Mom and I lived in these shitty - sorry, crummy - apartments and Doula had a real home. But I should have seen her more, I'm her brother."
"You didn't miss her?"
Jess drinks more hot chocolate before saying, "God, I'm going to sound like a jerk. I loved her - of course I loved her - but she was born after I left home. I still felt like an only child. I told myself she didn't care either, because she never remembered me being there, but I didn't take the time to try and bond. Gave her my jacket though and I see she still has it. That's something, I guess."
"She loves it," Annie says. "She told me so."
"Good," Jess smiles, but his voice is heavy as he says, "I let her down. I screwed up."
Annie doesn't know what to say. Everyone always says how her dad does too much for Doula, helping her out to the point of enabling, and here he is saying the opposite. She simply puts her hand on Jess's arm and her father smiles, putting his spare around her and hugging her closely.
"Promise me you won't fight with Richie and Charlotte," he says, after a moment. "Wait, I can't say that...of course you'll fight. And I can't ask you to promise a kind of relationship for me."
Annie waits and finally Jess says, "Just promise me you'll try. I want you guys to be close and look out for each other...I can't control that, and sometimes life happens, but I'd hate for one of you to be all alone and think the other two don't care. I care, and Doula cares, and all this junk has screwed it up. I hate it."
"Can't you work it out?" Annie asks in a small voice and her father kisses her cheek.
"I'll try," he says gently. "What do you say we go hit that bookstore?"
Two hours later, Jess and Annie are heading home, bookbags joyful in their hands. They're walking to where the car's parked when Annie asks, "How did you figure it out?"
"Huh?"
"You told Doula she could figure it out like you did...how did you figure it out?"
Jess pauses, looking at her. "I hit rock bottom," he says. "Take it from me, that's not a fun place to be. I'd really messed up, Annie-girl, I'd hurt your mom and Luke and this whole thing with my dad...I didn't think I could make any of it right. I lived in a place not too far from where Doula is now, and it sucked. I loved your mom though. And when she didn't love me back, I decided to move on."
"But you love Mommy!"
Jess laughs, tousling Annie's hair.
"Yeah I do, and I did then too, but we were at different points in our lives. I was falling apart. I knew I couldn't drift like that forever so I started writing, trying to be more of an adult, and one day things felt a little better. And then another I day I felt like an adult and not someone trying to be one."
"I'm kind of confused," Annie admits and Jess chuckles.
"Yeah, it's confusing. Sometimes I still feel like I'm pretending to be an adult...you'll understand someday. It's messy."
Annie loathes it when adults tell her she's too young to understand, but right now she doesn't mind. She walks a little further with her dad until he says, suddenly,
"My mistake was thinking I didn't need any help. You always need people, Annie. I don't mean you need a guy, or a girl, for that matter, but you need people. Doula needed me before."
"How do you know?"
"I know," Jess says seriously. "I'm her brother. I hope she knows I'm here."
Annie is silent, thinking. If her dad hadn't figured things out, would he and her mom have met again? Would Charlotte be her sister? Would she even exist? The thoughts make her dizzy and suddenly she's scared, her sure world wobbling.
"Daddy, I don't want to grow up," Annie says and her father shakes her head.
"Yes, you do. Trust me on that."
"What if I can't figure things out?"
Annie's not even sure what those things are, but she's afraid, suddenly, and then her father is crouched down at her knees, his hands around her arms.
"I am always here," he promises. "There's nothing you could do that would stop me being here. Life'll hurt sometimes, Annie-girl, that's what it does, but I'm here. And I swear you'll be fine."
"Really?" Annie says cautiously and her father nods, hugging her.
"You've got me, your mom and your siblings, and you're you. You're already pretty great."
Annie laughs at that, feeling her tension lift.
"Thanks."
"Anytime, Annie-girl. Let's go home - I don't know about you, but I'm beat. Could definitely eat some pizza too."
"Me too. Hey, can we watch Ghost next movie night?"
Jess bursts out laughing.
"How'd you even hear of that movie? You're a little young for it."
"Just somewhere," Annie says vaguely. Maybe, she thinks, someday Doula will watch it with her. Maybe not. It's there for the future. As she gets in the car Annie feels her eyelids droop. Her father has put on a Clash CD, whistling along with it, and Annie smiles. It's been the perfect day. She tries to stay awake but sleepiness wins and Annie coasts the wave, closing her eyes. She'll survive whatever comes.