Chapter where Richie goes to see Jimmy
Richie rests his arms on the steering wheel. This must be the place. He looks around the ramshackle buildings through the smeared windscreen before getting out of the car, slamming the door shut. The heat is searing as Richie peers at the houses, ensuring he's found the right one. It seems to match the one picture he's seen, along with all the plants hanging from the steps and jostling in the garden. Taking a deep breath, Richie walks over to the gate and gingerly steps through. He's barely got both feet in when a cacophony of barking starts up and Richie jumps back. Why is he surprised that dogs are still there? That's always included in his father's story.
"Hey!" Richie calls, voice unsure. "Hey!"
Out of sight, someone whistles and the dogs retreat, and Richie looks up to see the silhouette of a man on the roof.
"What's going on?"
"Can I come in?"
"Can you come in?" echoes the man. He's blurred in the bright sunlight but Richie's pretty sure this is Jimmy. "What's the deal?"
"I'm...you know my dad."
The man bends down and then freezes, staring at Richie. For a moment he's wordless and then says, "Come through. Watch out for those two, they bite."
"Which two?" Richie calls but Jimmy's gone. He sees the dogs mill around him as he walks through the gate, wagging their tails now, and Richie mumbles, "I swear I will bite you back."
Hitching his bag over his shoulder, Richie makes his way into the house where Jimmy is standing. Cats twine around their feet and, easily, Jimmy bends down and lifts them up onto a side table where the cats land with puzzled mews. Richie gives them an awkward pat and they purr, making Jimmy remark, "Seems they like you." He's staring at Richie like he's seen a ghost. Jimmy looks like the few pictures Jess has shown him, only older around the edges.
"Hi," Richie says weakly and nods when Jimmy says, "You're Jess's son."
"Yup. I'm Richie."
"I know your name," Jimmy says quickly, so quickly that Richie doubts it. "And you've got siblings."
His tone rises into a half-question and Richie clarifies, "I've got two sisters. Charlotte and Annie. I'm the middle one."
"Right," Jimmy says. They try and smile at each other and abruptly Jimmy turns to the refrigerator, retrieving two beers.
"I don't know about you, but I could use a drink."
Richie hasn't turned twenty-one yet but Jimmy doesn't ask and Richie doesn't tell him. The two take the tops off and awkwardly raise the bottles in a kind of toast before drinking deeply. After a moment Jimmy sits at the table and Richie takes the seat beside him, relieved to no longer just stand there. Still, he supposes, just sitting here isn't that much of an improvement.
"So Jess has three kids," Jimmy says, making Richie jump. "You're bigger than in the last picture Jess sent. I remember your sisters - I saw their pictures too. And the older one...she's not Jess's."
"Charlotte's got another father," Richie says coldly, "biologically speaking, but my dad raised her and I'd say that's what counts."
Jimmy laughs at that. "You look just like Jess and sound just like him too. This is crazy - I feel like I stepped through a time portal."
Richie gives a kind of shrug. He's only ever seen pictures of Jimmy before, talked to him maybe once on the phone. Richie was in the area and figured maybe he'd see more of where he came from but now, as he swigs some beer, he wonders if it was a mistake. The weirdness of the house is matching how weird Richie's feeling inside. As he looks over Jimmy's shoulder, Richie catches sight of the clowns Jess told him about. Silently, he wonders how much the place has changed.
"So what brings you here?" Jimmy asks, breaking his thoughts, and Richie simply says, "Roadtrip. I've finished school for the summer."
"College?"
"New York. I just finished my freshman year."
Jimmy nods and says confidently, "I'm not surprised Jess's kids are in college. He's so smart that I still have a hard time figuring out how Liz and I made him."
Richie shifts uncomfortably in his seat and stares at his bottle as Jimmy asks, "So how is Jess as a father? Way better than I was, I bet."
Richie and Jess haven't gotten along too well this year. His father is frustrated with him, already was for not working harder in high school, and now he says Richie's not applying himself in college. Richie doesn't know what his problem is. He goes to classes, he does the work. Granted, he doesn't spend as long on it as he could, but he's doing it. Jess says he's drifting. He said that when he was a kid, but Jess said it more fondly then. He seemed proud that his son was a dreamer. Richie can't say that either of his parents were pushy. When Richie told his parents he hated Little League they weren't upset. Jess just laughed and told him about the time he stole all the baseballs from the gym in high school and replaced them with tennis balls. Very different results! Rory had admonished him, saying he shouldn't be giving Richie ideas, but she was laughing too. When a teacher told Jess in middle school that Richie should spend less time reading and more time on the field Richie had never seen him so angry. My son is fine. If you think he's doing something wrong by learning rather than kicking a ball around then maybe you shouldn't be in education.
Richie was always happy being a so-called dreamer and then suddenly, it was as though that wasn't okay anymore. He had to work harder, find a college, choose a major and decide right now. The whole world seemed to go into a rush. Richie didn't know where he wanted to go to college and picked New York because Charlotte liked it and because he liked the city. His father sighed and said fine, making Richie feel like he'd done something wrong but didn't know what. He made it through his first year but Jess wasn't too onboard with Richie taking a roadtrip. He wanted him to work in Truncheon instead. They used to bond over books and pranks, when Richie was a kid, but lately it seems they've grown away from any bonding at all.
"Where's Sasha?" Richie asks, wrenching the subject away. "Does she still live here?"
"Course she still lives here," Jimmy laughs. "Can't get rid of that woman, and I'm thankful...love her more than anything. She's visiting her sister."
"Oh."
"She'll be sorry she missed you," Jimmy says, whistling through his teeth. "So'll Lily...she's grown up now, but she lives up the coast. It's not too far."
"Oh," Richie says again and gives a small smile as Richie says, "She worshipped your dad. Lily had her own father but you'd think Jess was her brother...the two of them were always reading. It was spooky. You a big reader?"
"Yes," Richie says and, after a pause, Jimmy says sarcastically, "You're as verbose as Jess is too. How about your sisters?"
"We all like books but Annie talks a lot," Richie says. "She talks more than all of us combined."
Jimmy laughs loudly, finishing his beer. "I'd love to see that."
Richie wonders if he ever will and Jimmy coughs, apparently coming to the same conclusion. "Hey, do you want to see the boardwalk?"
"Why not?"
Richie finishes his drink and puts the bottle next to Jimmy's before following him outside. They walk to the beach in silence until Richie asks, "Do you still own that hotdog stand?"
"Nah, sold it awhile back," Jimmy tells him. "I still help out sometimes, if I need a little extra cash, but it's not mine. They still call me The Hotdog King though."
Richie's unsure if he's supposed to smile but Jimmy laughs loud enough for both of them. They walk down to the sand and Jimmy spreads his arms out.
"Come down here every day. I'd marry the beach if I could. Sasha says even though I married her the beach is still the other woman."
Richie laughs awkwardly and Jimmy grins.
"Yeah, your father had the same reaction. Come, sit here for a second."
They sit on a bench facing the ocean and Jimmy asks, "How come you're dropping in on me? Not that I mind, it's just kind of a surprise."
"I told you, I'm taking a roadtrip."
"And where to next?"
Richie shrugs and Jimmy sounds uncomfortable as he says, "Not just to see me, Richie?"
"No," Richie says in a half-lie. He didn't, and still doesn't, know the point of return. He stares out at the water and says, "I've never met you and you're kind of my grandfather."
"Kind of. Yeah, that sounds right. That Luke guy's your grandfather, isn't he? He was more of a dad to Jess than I was."
"Yeah." Richie doesn't know his mother's father too well either but isn't desperate to. He's seen him enough times not to bother. Luke was more of a father to Rory as well. He stares out at the ocean, the waves soothing the storm in his mind.
"So tell me something about yourself," Jimmy says brightly. "How are you liking school?"
"It's okay."
"Yeah? You get along with your sisters?"
"Most of the time."
"Do you miss them?"
"Kind of."
"Okay...what about girls? Do you have a girlfriend?"
"No," Richie says sourly. He hears Jimmy sigh slightly and clenches his fists. Richie knows he's not giving him a lot to go on, but why did he have to bring up girlfriends?
"I broke up with someone," Richie tells Jimmy, hoping to close the conversation. His kind of grandfather nods, frustrating Richie by adding, "Lots of girls out there for a guy your age."
Richie tries not to snort. He never even had a girlfriend until this year. When his friends found out, they teased him mercilessly. When they weren't laughing they were seriously asking why, and how he'd got this far still being a virgin. They teased him every time they said the word. Richie ignored them and one day he met a girl in the cafeteria called Alison. She seemed nice enough, though they didn't have too much in common, but Richie ended up dating her anyway. He almost felt like he had to. One night a few weeks ago everyone went out to celebrate the end of freshman year, and after kissing on the lawn for a while and knowing cheers from friends nearby, Richie and Alison ended up in his room. They kissed and kissed, moving to the bed, and without even planning it Richie was having sex with her. Her hand was on his back and his was in her hair as Richie held his breath, unsure what he was doing and hoping it was right. Alison moved his hand to her breast and, as she kissed him, Richie came. A little later she sighed and he slipped out of her, knowing it hadn't lasted long by any stretch of the imagination. He asked if she was okay and Alison had nodded, clinging his sheet around her. Richie had thrown out the condom from the box his friends once gave him as a joke and then Alison said she had to go. They'd awkwardly kissed goodbye and Richie hasn't spoken to her since. He knows that's a dick move. He wishes they hadn't slept together. What if she tells him he was the worst she'd ever been with? He probably is. She must have guessed it was his first time. What frightens Richie more is the possibility that it wasn't totally safe and she'll tell him she's pregnant. His parents will kill him if that happens. They'll already want to kill him if they find out he hasn't called her.
"What's the deal?" Jimmy asks suddenly. "Something's going on, same as it did with Jess. You running from something?"
"No!"
"Jess was running from something," Jimmy goes on. "He screwed things up with your mom. You know, you look like just Jess apart from your eyes. They're Rory's eyes...I've seen pictures. This'll make you smile - your dad had a picture of her in his wallet. Every day he'd take it out and stare at it when he thought I wasn't looking."
Richie doesn't smile. He feels sad, hearing that, and Jimmy presses, "What are you running from? You've got that look in your eyes too."
Richie stares at his hands, his mind casting back. He'd come home late from wandering around the town, going to the bookstore which stayed open through the evening, and Jess had lost his temper. "Your first night home and you can't stay and talk to us?"
"It's my second night!"
"Big difference, my mistake," Richie retorted and Rory had cut in with, "Guys, don't fight."
"Is this what you're going to do all summer?" Jess demanded. "Go out all day, avoid us, and then take a roadtrip? You need to focus!"
"Why?"
"Why? Richie, you need to figure things out!"
"It's summer!"
"And you're not a kid!"
Here we go, Richie thought silently but had held off saying. This is where he hears the story about how when Jess was his age, he'd screwed up enough to start putting his life together. Richie doesn't know what seems to disappoint him more - the fact that he's never gotten into some trouble or the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing. Richie feels like he's failed. He should have more of an idea. He's not an accident like Charlotte or a surprise like Annie - he's their planned child, had everything his parents didn't. Richie knows he's lucky and he doesn't want to sound like what Charlotte refers to as an entitled white male. But he can't seem to figure out a next step. Richie doesn't get why a roadtrip was such a bad idea and said so, to which his father retorted, "Instead of drifting around here you'll drift around the country?"
"Isn't that what you did?" Richie asks and Jess's eyes had narrowed.
"You've got a lot more opportunities."
"Just lay off for me once!" Richie had exclaimed. "I'm not you, okay? If I want to take a roadtrip, I'll take a roadtrip, just leave me the hell alone!"
Jess had stared at him, looking hurt, and just as Richie was about to take it back Jess had said angrily, "I'm disappointed in you. You do what you want."
"Guys," Rory said. She looked like she was about to cry and Jess's eyes softened. He glanced over at Richie before saying, "It's okay. I'm going to go finish up some stuff for work."
"Jess..."
Jess had already gone into his office, leaving Rory and Richie looking at each other.
"I'm sorry, Mom," Richie had said quietly and Rory looked at him sadly, her blue eyes reflecting his.
"Do you have to take this trip?"
Richie shrugged. A big part of him wanted to tell her everything, but he didn't. For one thing, it's weird to tell your mom this stuff, and, mainly, Richie knew she'd be upset with him. She'd want to know why he hadn't called Alison and Richie wouldn't have an answer. He regrets it. He wishes it hadn't just happened like that, he wasn't really ready. He sounds like a woman, he thinks, and his sister's voice chides him in his mind. Why's that such a bad thing? It's not, he knows, but Richie hates feeling like this. Besides all that, he needed to go to California. Richie's afraid that if he's drifting too much then maybe he has more of Jimmy's genes than he'd like. Instead of telling her, Richie had hugged his mother goodnight.
"I love you, Mom," he'd told her and Rory bit her lip as she'd cupped his chin.
"I love you too. But Richie..."
"It's fine, Mom," Richie had said. Rory had accepted that without asking Richie his fears, both about Alison and about who he's becoming. After stepping back, Rory looked up to see Annie watching and told her to go back to bed. When Richie went to bed himself the door had opened and Annie tiptoed in.
"I don't want you and Dad to fight."
"We're not," Richie had said automatically. Annie's fifteen but still his baby sister and Richie doesn't want to worry her. "We're fine."
"No, you're not."
She sat on the bed next to him and said, "Don't go. Charlotte's on vacation and you've just got back. It's not fair."
"I'm sorry," Richie said to her. "I just...I have to go."
He could see Annie's chin wobbling in the dark and got up, putting his arm around her. "It's not the whole summer."
"But why do you have to go?" Annie insisted and Richie said, "I want to see more."
He didn't know if the answer was enough but Annie didn't fight him on it. She lay beside him on the bed and was still asleep when Richie had got up to go. He slipped her a goodbye note and hopes she forgives him. Richie isn't sure how great a brother he is all the time. He just knew he had to go, find out about Jimmy and how much of a mirror he seems.
Richie looks up and asks, "Why'd you leave when my dad was born?"
"Wow," Jimmy says, blinking. "Talk about a swing from left field!"
"Why?" Richie presses and Jimmy coughs uncomfortably.
"I couldn't be a father - figured that out before I finished the cigar."
"You could have tried."
"I didn't have it together until I was well past thirty! He didn't need me."
"It was a jerk move," Richie says angrily. "Leaving his mom, not letting him stay. I know you didn't want him to."
"I'm sorry, you were there?"
"I've heard about it. I know you only let my dad stay because Sasha agreed."
Jimmy shifts around uncomfortably.
"I didn't know how to help him. Maybe I was kind of a dick, but I'd never even met the kid before - not really."
"He was still your kid," Richie says furiously. "And even if he wasn't...he was a kid who needed you, right?"
"Hey, put the bat down, man! I couldn't make up for eighteen years in one summer! And hey, Jess turned out pretty well - he's a writer, married your mom and has three kids. He even took a kid that wasn't his to start with! Polar opposite to me, right? He was her dad because he wanted to be. I don't know where he gets it from but I didn't have anything to do with it, that's for sure. Be happy you've got him, that's all I'll say."
"I disappoint him."
"What? That can't be true."
"It is true! I don't know what I'm doing in school, life, I messed it up with..." Richie falls silent and Jimmy's eyes are kind as they examine him.
"I fought with your dad just like this," he tells him. "Right here, too. He told me he had nothing. He said he'd messed up everything. But he figured things out and I know you can too. Stop being so hard on yourself! You're still a kid."
Richie shrugs and Jimmy says, "Hey, how about I show you the music stores? There's still some cool ones along here, bookstores too, though that's more your dad's scene..."
Richie nods, following Jimmy to the shops. Once he relaxes, he almost has a good time, and once they're back Jimmy shows him his vinyl collection. Richie can't deny being impressed. They listen to several albums before Richie finally opens the bag he's been lugging around.
"More pictures of us," he says shyly. "I thought I'd show you more recent ones. You know, my dad still prints them all...says he likes things being tangible."
"That sounds like Jess," Jimmy says. He smiles as he looks at them and remarks, "I never met your mom but you look as much like her as you do your dad. God, Jess loved her. That poor kid. I'm happy things worked out for them in the end. He used to go to the payphone that's no longer here and just call her...I saw him a few times. I knew it was her. And then someday he gave up...he told me she said it was over."
"Mom still loved him," Richie said quietly. "Dad just messed up. I think he got scared."
Jimmy looks at him and gives a knowing nod. Thankfully, he doesn't ask Richie what he knows about that and the next morning, when Richie says he's going to drive back, Jimmy doesn't try to talk him out of it.
"Give my best to Jess," Jimmy tells him. "Say I'm sorry for it all."
"I will," Richie promises. The two share an awkward, brief hug and then Richie is headed on the long road home.
It's late on the night Richie makes it back to Philadelphia. He pulls up to his parents' house and all the lights are off apart from the one in the kitchen. Richie can see his father working, a plate he absently eats from beside him, and Richie hesitates before letting himself in. Jess is at the door before he even closes it, his eyes widening.
"Hi Dad," Richie says quietly and then Jess's arms are around him, hugging him tightly.
"Hey, bud," Jess says and Richie smiles at the nickname he hasn't heard in a while. He hugs Jess tightly back and his father's eyes are a little bright as he steps back.
"You're early," he remarks. "I thought you were going to be away longer."
"I'm done."
"Come on, I'll make you some coffee."
Richie is limp with gratitude as he follows Jess into the kitchen. He waits for the coffee to brew before Richie says, "Dad, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too."
"I didn't mean to yell at you...I know I let you down. I always let you down."
"Hold up," Jess says seriously. "What are you talking about?"
"I disappoint you a lot."
"I was disappointed that you took off," Jess says slowly, "but I'm not disappointed in who you are. How can you think that? You're my son."
Richie looks down and Jess puts a hand on his arm.
"Tell me," he says gently and the two sit at the table.
"I feel like I let you down with school," Richie says haltingly. "Because I picked New York, because I don't know what my major is...it's like you used to like me dreaming and now you don't."
Jess is silent for a moment and then says, "I just wanted you to go for something you really want. It felt like you chose New York because you didn't want to think about it."
"I liked it. Isn't that enough?"
"I only want what's best for you, not just what's okay. But if you're happy there, I'm happy. It's just...Richie, you seem like something's going on. Is it school?"
Richie stares at his cup of coffee and says, "You'll be mad at me."
"Try me." Jess doesn't sound angry and Richie swallows.
"I met someone. I didn't date her for very long."
"What's her name?"
"Alison."
"You never told me and Mom about her."
"I know," Richie says uncomfortably. "We didn't date very long...and Dad...we...I...we had sex."
Jess is quiet for a moment and then says, "Were you safe?"
Richie nods. "I think so."
"You think so?"
"We used a condom," Richie says awkwardly and his father lets out a sigh. "Good. What's wrong?"
"I just...it kind of happened. I didn't plan it. And it was awkward and Alison just left and I haven't called her. It was a few weeks ago."
"Richie." Jess sounds disappointed and his son winces.
"I'm sorry."
"Say you're sorry to her, not me. Why haven't you called her?"
"I don't know what to say. It was bad. I know it was bad. I liked her, and I wanted to in the moment, but..."
"Now you're regretting it." It's not a question and Richie says, "I wish I wasn't. I wish I hadn't." He looks away and Jess says, "I said you should never feel bad about sex...or not doing it."
"I know. I got embarrassed."
His father sighs but doesn't seem angry. He looks into Richie's eyes and asks, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I just feel bad about it."
"Richie, it's okay. But you need to call her."
"I know," Richie says quietly. "But what do I say?"
"You can start by asking how she is. That's the least you can ask."
Richie nods and then bursts out with, "I feel like such a loser. I could hardly talk to girls before this, I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and I fought with you and Mom as soon as I got home. I want to stop drifting but I don't know how. I dream too much."
"Richie. I never want you to stop dreaming."
"Yes you do. You said I drift too much."
"There's difference between drifting and dreaming," Jess says, putting his hand back on Richie's arm. "You're not a loser. I never want to hear you call yourself that. All I want is you to find your passion and be happy. Lately, you've seemed aimless. I don't want to pressure you, but I want you to find something. I wanted you to work at Truncheon with me as a start. Thought maybe we could talk like we used to. I miss you."
"That sounds good," Richie says quietly and then tells him, "I saw Jimmy."
Jess's hand stiffens for a moment and then he asks, "Is that why you were so desperate to take this trip?"
Richie nods and says, "I wanted to see what he's like. To know if it's why I'm not figuring it out."
Jess lets out a sigh and says, "I think being twenty might have something to do with it. But you saw him...how's Jimmy doing?"
"Okay," Richie says with a shrug. "He says he's sorry. Look, I took a picture."
Richie gets out of his phone to show Jess and his father smiles.
"Strange seeing him now. I went there to get answers and figured out there weren't that many. I figured out that I had to be the one to start putting my life together...seeing my father wasn't going to fix everything."
"I want to find something," Richie says quietly and Jess puts his arm around him.
"You will, someday. It's okay, kiddo. I'm here, I'm always here, and me and your mom, we'll never stop loving you. You know that, right?"
Richie nods and they both jump as the door opens to show Rory staring at them. She is over in an instant, flinging her arms around her son and kissing his cheeks.
"It's so good to see you!"
"I missed you, Mom," Richie says and then Rory is hugging him even tighter. Jess gets up, giving them a moment alone, and Richie tells her about the trip and his worry about drifting. Rory looks into his eyes and says, "I see a lot of me in you. I know what it's like to wander without meaning to...you can talk to me, Richie. I've been there too."
"I will," Richie says softly. Rory smiles at him and, after some hesitation, Richie tells her some of what happened with Alison and she sighs, saying he has to call her. Jess comes back in and Richie looks away, embarrassed to have told them but relieved to have some advice.
"Don't just call her and hang up either," Jess says. "Take it from me."
He smiles and Richie nods, knowing what he means. Rory squeezes his hand as Richie admits, "I don't know if I want to keep seeing her."
"But it'll help if you talk and are honest," his mother says. "Trust me."
Richie does trust her. He's lucky to have his parents. He understands it more than he did before he left and he smiles at them, thoughts interrupted by Annie coming down. They all have a cup of coffee together before Rory insists they go to bed.
"We'll figure it all out in the morning," she says and Richie nods, putting his arm around his sister as he starts upstairs. He's figuring it out already.