Thanks for the feedback! This chapter continues from the last
Charlotte pauses before reaching the apartment building. It's a humid afternoon yet she feels slightly chilled, checking her phone and looking up at the sky with an anxious breath. Looking at where the sky meets the building, Charlotte wonders if she'll always feel this sense of stress before seeing Logan. When she was a teenager she figured she'd grow out of it but now she's in her twenties it's seeming pretty set.
The lobby is mostly empty and Charlotte rides the elevator alone. She stares at her reflection, remembering the night she came here at sixteen to confront Logan, knowing she looked like a mess. She felt apart from it and all of it at the same time. Right now, Charlotte still feels mixed up only she doesn't look it. As the elevator doors open on Logan's floor a woman glides though, her face flawless and hair pristine. Charlotte catches her check her reflection as she exits and wonders if this woman is mixed up too. When she was a kid, Charlotte saw adults as Grown-Ups. They could be boring about various things and totally unfair, like a particular teacher in third grade who wouldn't allow doodling, but they weren't confused. Grown-Ups had answers. That was what Charlotte always thought but now, as she's finished college, started working and is supposedly an adult herself, she's considering maybe everyone is confused no matter how old they get. That idea is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
Logan answers the door at Charlotte's knock, giving her a hug before she goes in. Charlotte can smell the apartment before she's even in the room; a hint of whisky and cleaning product and a kind of flatness. She doesn't know how else to describe it. Her parents' and grandmother's house are warm with a smell of coffee and cooking and, with the work Logan does at keeping the apartment undisturbed, it feels unlived in, with a sense of nothing to it. Charlotte doesn't know what her place smells like – probably takeout.
"Hey," Logan says fondly, walking over to the couch where he and Charlotte sit. "How was the journey?"
"Fine."
Logan waits for a moment and then says, "Want me to hang up your stuff?"
"I can do it."
Charlotte heads back to the door where she hangs up her coat, feeling awkward as it slips off and she has to hang it for a second time. Time seems to be in slow motion.
"Let me get you a drink!" Logan says loudly as Charlotte returns to the living room. "What's your poison?"
"Uh…"
"Anything you want, anything at all."
"I'll just have a soda." Charlotte could go for a glass of wine but it seems weird to drink with him. Logan nods, pouring her a glass and adds a small paper parasol.
"Here. It's more festive this way."
"Thanks," Charlotte says, amused and touched at the same time. "Um, cheers."
"Cheers," Logan says, lifting a large glass of whisky and taking a large drink. Charlotte sips hers, letting the bubbles settle in her stomach. The parasol awkwardly bumps around the glass but it somehow seems rude to take it out.
"So how are things?" Logan asks, leaning forward. "It's been a while."
"Yeah."
"I ran into your brother, Richie."
"I know." It's why I'm here, Charlotte silently adds. She takes another sip of soda and represses a burp. Why does she always forget about that when she drinks soda?
"So tell me how things are," Logan says after a pause. "New job, right?"
"Yep – I'm an assistant in a newspaper office."
"That's great!" Logan says loudly. "Working girl, huh?"
Charlotte smiles weakly. It was fun when her parents and grandmother said things like that, called her Girl Friday, but it's somehow annoying when Logan does the same. Besides, the excitement is starting to fade. Besides having to do her work she has to keep doing this other guy's because he keeps messing up, and if she doesn't do it they both get hell from the manager. She tried saying something once but was told they were on the same team and she should be a team player. What Charlotte wants to know is why she has to be the entire team, but she gritted her teeth and nodded. So much for the exciting world of journalism.
"So how does it feel to be out of college?"
"Confusing," Charlotte says honestly, making Logan laugh. "Seriously!"
"No, I know. All I knew was that I didn't want to work for my dad. Well, you can see how well that worked out."
Charlotte bites her lip. Looking around, she sees evidence of such, the door to the office where Logan works occasionally (only occasionally, she's been told), the monochrome, expensive furniture and the wedding photo on the table. Nearby is a photo of Logan in his twenties with his friends, the Life and Death Brigade, and Charlotte feels safe in assuming he is more attached to that than his marriage.
"Can't completely complain though," Logan says, following Charlotte's glance around the room. "I like the money."
"Is that why you didn't fight it?"
"What?"
"You know, working for your dad and marrying who he wanted, having a life you didn't want."
"I didn't say I didn't like my life," Logan says, putting his glass down. His voice has lost its jovial tone.
"But –"
"I said didn't want to work for my dad, Charlotte. I never said I didn't like my life."
"You married someone you didn't want to," Charlotte says, perhaps against her better judgement. "You always talk about hating your job."
"You've hardly started working," Logan snorts. "Most of the time you'll hate your job."
Charlotte looks away, as if she had told Logan the truth about the office, but she snaps her head back as Logan says, "You're in your early twenties. You're still a kid."
"I am not a kid!"
"You've just left college! Trust me, Charlotte, when you're older you'll know how young you were."
Logan's voice is sad. Charlotte stares down at her drink, thinking about when she came to see him when she was sixteen, how young and far away it feels now. She felt the same when she saw Annie yesterday. Is it true, will this age seem as young as that someday? She doesn't know. Sitting up she says, "That's not the point. If you're not happy you can try and change it. I mean, are you happy being married?"
Logan shrugs, looking at his glass this time.
"I can't imagine not being married now."
"Do you want to be?"
Looking at the wedding photo makes Charlotte think of some day in the future where she might be married, which might be never. Even the thought makes her nervous. If she does get married she hopes it's happier than this, which has to be a pretty low bar.
Logan exhales, sitting back.
"Marrying for money was always my family's motto. Hell, doing anything for money was my family's motto, still is. And there's stuff I don't like about my life but I like money, I like having my lifestyle, so even if I could change it, I don't know if I want to."
"You seem sad when I see you," Charlotte says honestly. "Like I'm a reminder of all that stuff."
"It's not your fault."
"That's not what I said."
"Charlotte –"
"Look, I don't want to be that," Charlotte says, her throat tight. "Part of all this."
"You're not."
"Seems like it."
"You're my daughter."
"You're sad about that too."
"No," Logan says seriously. "I'm sad things turned out the way they did. I'm sad I screwed things up but I'm not sad you're my daughter."
"Okay," Charlotte says. She doesn't know if she believes him or not. "I think I'm going to go."
"Charlotte, I'm trying," Logan says and Charlotte looks at him. "I am, I swear. I know I messed up a lot of this, I messed up a ton of things, but I want to talk to you outside of an email now and then. I don't want to be an obligation."
"You're not an obligation," Charlotte says quietly. "But you can't see me twice a year and think we're good."
"I know," Logan says heavily. He looks small to Charlotte as she gets up and retrieves her coat and purse.
"Hey," Charlotte says. "Maybe you think I'm just a kid, but I think if you want things to be different you can try. It's something, right?"
"Something," Logan says halfheartedly. "See you, Charlotte."
"See you." There doesn't seem to be anything else to say so Charlotte simply leaves. She thinks back to what Richie said, about how seeing Logan makes her sad. In a way it does and yet she doesn't want to cut Logan out of her life entirely. She has no answer for it.
Charlotte is meeting Rory this afternoon but she texts her to say she's ready early, to which Rory replies, On my way, sweets. An hour later, mother and daughter are sitting in a coffee shop and Rory asks, "Do you want to talk about it?"
"You make it sound like I went to a funeral." Charlotte almost adds same difference but stops herself, only for Rory to shrug and say, "Yeah, well."
"It was fine."
"Really?"
"No, it was sad," Charlotte says honestly, breaking off a piece of croissant. "Logan's sad, Mom."
"I know he is."
"Why doesn't he do something about it?"
"It's not that easy for him."
"How come?"
"Lots of things," Rory says, sincerely if vaguely. Charlotte waits and then prompts, "Like…?"
"Like, he has a lot of expectations from his family and what they want from him. I don't think Logan finds it easy to break out of."
"But he could if he wanted to. He has a lot of money."
"That's an understatement," Rory says wryly. "But it's not just that."
"Do you think he's depressed?"
"No – I don't think so. I mean, I think he's afraid of starting over."
"Nana Lorelai did."
"Nana Lorelai wasn't scared in that way."
"But she was sixteen! Logan is, like, over fifty."
"Thanks for the reminder," Rory remarks, drinking some coffee. "But it's not something you grow out of. You'll see, someday."
Charlotte tears her croissant into pieces, thinking back to what Logan said. Her mother takes her hand and asks, "Hey. What's up?"
"Nothing."
"Charlotte."
"Mom…"
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever feel like you've figured it out?" Charlotte asks, looking up. "Like, you're an adult and not trying to figure it out."
"No," Rory says honestly.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"I don't get it," Charlotte says, throwing down the food in frustration. "Everyone tells you, all your life, you're going to grow up some day. You're going to be in high school and then college and then at work and then get married and have kids, maybe, and it's the biggest deal ever and then you don't ever even feel like a real adult?"
"Charlotte –"
"It's not fair," Charlotte says angrily. She hates her job – what if she always hates her job? What if she always works there? She doesn't know if she wants to get married and have kids and everyone says no big deal, no pressure. If it's no big deal and no pressure why they do they keep talking about it? Dating is depressing enough as it is. She scrolls through apps, looking at various guys, and when she does go on a date it's usually mediocre. On really bad days she wonders if she made a mistake breaking up with Alec. What if it's always like this?
"What isn't fair?"
"Being told you'll figure it out as an adult and then finding out it's a lie."
"It is unfair," Rory agrees. "But you figure out some stuff."
"Doesn't seem it."
"You do. You will."
"I just don't get it. Like, high school seems like a million years ago but I still feel confused. Maybe not in the same way, but…" Charlotte's voice lapses and she eats some croissant, thinking back to her conversation with Annie this weekend. The whole thing with her boyfriend seemed so young, so teenage, but it's not like Charlotte feels free from making dumb mistakes these days.
"There's never going to be a time when you don't feel confused."
"Great," Charlotte says bitterly. "How do you figure anything out then?"
Rory is quiet for a moment and then says, "I was very confused when I got pregnant with you."
"Mom" Charlotte groans but Rory goes on, "I was confused that whole year. I kept thinking, I'm thirty-two, I shouldn't be confused anymore. I'm an adult. When Mom was thirty-two she was running the inn and raising a sixteen-year-old and getting me into Chilton and doing business school. I felt like such a failure."
"Mom," Charlotte says, in concern this time, but Rory shakes her head.
"I was making really dumb choices and all mixed up from my grandfather dying and then to top it all off I got pregnant."
"And then you figured it out?"
"Not all at once, but yes. That's something else – you don't usually figure it out in one moment. It takes time and you need help. I had Nana Lorelai and she was the best, and your dad, of course." Rory smiles and Charlotte smiles too.
"Do you regret it?" Charlotte asks. "All that stuff?"
"You know I don't. I had you."
"But you always talk about me making better choices."
"I want you to be smarter than I was about some things but I don't expect you not to make mistakes or be confused. That's being a person! Charlotte, I still don't feel like I have things figured out!"
"But Mom," Charlotte says, laughing in disbelief. "You wrote a book! You're an editor! You married Dad and had two more kids!"
"I still feel confused. Figuring things out is a process. And Nana Lorelai? She told me she felt confused back then too, having to ask her parents for money so I could go to Chilton and then her whole failed engagement with Max. It seemed so bizarre to me, but she swears it's true."
"Really?"
"Really. We all go through it."
"Mom, I really don't like my job," Charlotte says after a pause. "The guy I work with doesn't do anything and the manager's a total jerk."
"Are you looking for new jobs?"
"Yeah, but what if I can't find one?"
"You will. This is just one job, your first job, and you'll find something better."
"What if I can't?"
"You will. Dad and I will help you."
"I thought when I finished college it'd be easier," Charlotte says, staring at her coffee cup so she doesn't cry. "Everyone said when I was done writing papers and studying for exams I could relax. I just feel confused all the time, more confused, I swear. I miss last year." Charlotte drinks coffee, thinking back to when she said goodbye to her friends in the dorm, saying they would see each other soon and knowing they wouldn't. Charlotte hasn't seen some of them since.
"Angel, it will get easier. It's just hard at times."
Charlotte nods, sniffling, and Rory goes over to give her a kiss.
"I remember life feeling simpler at sixteen but I wouldn't want to stop being an adult. I like where I am now, even with how I got here."
"I keep stressing about the future and stuff."
"The future and stuff," Rory says, wrinkling her nose. "I did the same thing, still do, sometimes. But stressing about the future won't change it."
"One step at a time, huh?"
"Something like that. But how about right now we finish these coffees and go book shopping?"
"Sounds great."
Charlotte smiles, finishing her drink and gets up to go. One step at a time - if only there was a map. But she thinks she can find her way forward.